Chapter Fifty-Eight

The floorboard creaked beneath Lily's feet and she winced; the second from the dresser. Damn thing got her every time.

Severus slept soundly behind her, undisturbed and a contentment in his expression as he did that made her smile, as she reluctantly reached down to lift her jersey from where they'd cast it the night before.

Winter had passed in a blur of snowfalls, Order battles and stolen kisses; the adrenaline from it all keeping her high up on a cloud as she and Severus fell deeper into one another. The lingering darkness of the outside world seeming unable to touch them, to bring them down, not just yet. Both of them spending the past few months reeling in the almost surreal condition of falling in love and finally giving in to it.

But reality lingered, all the same, even if it couldn't dampen their feelings. Every decision they made was measured, every touch seeming a risk, every kiss. On the rare occasion they could find to go further, hands tugging off robes, kisses pressed elsewhere but needing something a little more, an ache needing satisfied; all over too fast and there was rarely the time for them to simply melt in the aftermath. Too soon they were dressed and saying goodbye; back off to reality. Back to war.

But Lily handled it better than either had thought she would. Eventually, the questions that she couldn't help slipping from her lips stopped; asking where he had been, where he was going. The worry for him that she seemed unable to keep from expressing eventually becoming manageable; taught herself to focus on the moments, the time they did have together, and to be stronger, if not for herself then for him, because she could see the uneasiness in his eyes when her concern for him was too evident. She buried it and left him with lingering kisses and smiles and confident assertions that they'd see one another again soon.

Lily pulled her jeans up over her hips and Severus stirred as she did, rolling from his side onto his back, but his eyes didn't open. Still asleep and the space that opened up next to him looked so inviting, his bare chest making her own longing stir, that it took all said strength she had developed not to just drop her clothing once more and climb back under the covers.

It was a simple wish, really, just to wake up next to him in the morning. Lazy mornings in bed. Lingering touches, kisses, sleepy musings on the day ahead.

It was something Lily had taken for granted before, the first time.

Another life.

Another man.

It was foolish of her to compare them. Both men she had been with were so different, it would be an understatement to say it would be a case of apples and oranges. Everything about each relationship, even the way each made her feel, were different.

She and James had been barely grown when they had come together, in many ways still children, and it wouldn't be fair of her to compare the boy James had been with the man that Severus was now.

James had never had the chance to grow up, to be who he was supposed to be.

And, even now, Lily knew that who her husband was supposed to be was someone great.

Their future snatched from their fingers.

But, further than that, their circumstances were poles apart.

Until Voldemort had opted to hunt them, there had been very little conflict at all for them to deal with. Time had passed them by, their relationship developing from casual to serious to marriage with little effort made on either of their parts, once they had finally become official. The two of them just carried away on high of being young and in love and full of hopes and dreams. And even Harry had come along easily, having been unplanned, unexpected, well before they had even discussed having children.

Blessed without even looking for it.

Nothing at all like the relationship she shared with Severus now. Every decision made carefully. The stakes so much higher and the intensity seeming to increase with each day that passed.

But then, her relationship with Severus had always had a lingering intensity to it; their earlier friendship had been wrought with it, debating and enthusing and arguing over things with a passion that her connection with James never quite seemed to reach. Especially when they had stepped into the castle, Hogwarts, the reality of their new world so much more than either had expected, even with the information Severus had known and shared with her in the years prior to their arrival. And Severus had always been reserved, guarded, and that only strengthened as the years went by; becoming more and more difficult for her to read to the point that it became a challenge for her, to figure out what it was he wasn't saying.

The things that he held back.

James had held nothing back.

Everything he thought, felt and wanted was expressed, openly and unabashedly. Always on the surface.

Lily never had to work at it.

James was utterly besotted and he made sure that she – and everyone who happened to be in the near vicinity – knew of it. And as conflict was minimal, aside from the contemptuous bickering of their earlier years, the most passionate of their arguments tended to be over the most mundane of issues; if Lily didn't want to go to a party; if James and Sirius had gone too far on a night out; whose turn it was to do the midnight feeding of Harry.

Even those arguments were few and far between, happiness seeming to be the default setting of their relationship and their brightest moments had been all sweetness and light; their ultimate goal most of the time simply to have fun.

It was all action; parties, Quiddich matches, hanging out with friends, sneaking away for a quickie whenever they could. Unable to keep their hands off one another.

James was the first person to ever make her feel loved.

As a child, before Hogwarts, she had been far more self-assured than she had been when she had finally stepped into the Wizarding World; those two years before with Severus building up her excitement, her expectations right alongside their friendship. She had been totally unaware of what lay ahead when they had stepped onto that train; the prejudices she – both of them – would face, because of their blood. As such, it had come as a huge, unexpected slap in the face when she had come under the first attack for it; 'mudblood' spoken from a Slytherin two years older, with a disdain that told her that it should mean something. That there was something about her that she should be ashamed of and she had wilted, keeping it to herself, the word. Nursing it over in her mind and it wasn't difficult to figure it out. But it wasn't until she had come under fire the second time – Mulciber – in their second year, that Lily had finally asked Severus outright what it meant.

Severus had clammed up for a second, which told her all she needed to know, and for all his insistence in the following minutes that it didn't mean anything, that it didn't matter, that people were just being stupid saying that, there was little that her friend could say to diminish the twisting in her gut that told her that it did mean something and that it did matter

Lily had buried it; the insecurity.

Only Severus got to know the truth, how much it hurt, held her hand tight when she had cried but then she pushed the feelings away. Because it would do no good to let the others know the weight she carried and each time in the years that followed, when the word would fall from their lips – the Slytherins, the others – she would brush it off; a flip of the hair, a narrowing of the eyes, a curt turn on the heel as she strode away.

Only once had she faltered, barely able to keep up the pretence, the script; fifth year, by the lake. But she had managed it, all the same, and Severus had recognised it instantly. The moment everything changed.

Just too far. It couldn't slide. Not when Severus was the only one who got to know; the only person she had trusted with it. The only person who knew the weight, the sting, the infuriating, ridiculous but ever-present shame that she concealed, was made to feel by the intolerance, and his reassuring words in their second year hadn't managed to diminish it.

The slip in their fifth only making it coil tighter.

Then had come James.

Showy, bold-as-brass and entirely devoted; not caring that he looked like an absolute tool even to his closest friends, to their entire year, as he pursued her. Making a fool of himself over her. Taking every knockback with a grin; another assertion of his resilience until, eventually, she had lost a bet – a bet – and had conceded to a date.

One date.

Why, Evans, I do believe the stars burn brighter when you're around.

Yes, James was an idiot for her and she wanted that. She needed someone who loved her like that. Totally unrestrained and carefree; lifting the burden. Someone who took the weight away and who made her feel worthy, special.

Young and insecure and so tired of fighting.

A far-cry from the woman she had now become.

A soft snore sounded at Lily's side, as she drew her seater down over her head, and she grinned, affectionately, down at him where he still slept soundly in the bed she had just vacated.

Not wanting to go but their circumstances leaving little option; even the night before was an indulgence. Entire nights were rare and, most definitely, not advisable. Should Sirius have sought her out, he would undoubtedly wonder where she was, and Lily knew he would quickly put the pieces together if he got even the slightest hint that she was involved with someone.

And Sirius knowing wasn't an option.

Even Remus didn't know, not really, though he obviously suspected considering their past discussion of the matter. Lily glanced at the timepiece; just a little past five in the morning.

With a resigned sigh she sat and leaned in, reluctantly waking him for goodbye.

Kisses on his neck.

Now that was a wake-up call he could get used to.

Severus reached for her, eyes still closed, but his brow furrowed when his hand came into contact with knitted fabric and his eyes opened.

Lily smiled down at him from where she was perched on the bed, fully dressed and ready to leave. Too soon, as always.

Severus tried to glance by her, at the timepiece, noting the sun had barely even risen yet.

"It's early," Lily confirmed, her voice a murmur, before she leaned down to press her lips to his; "Go back to sleep."

"Hm." Severus pressed his lips back to hers.

Her kiss was soft, slow before she drew back; "Remus is bringing Harry back early, he's going back undercover later tonight. And Sirius has been…oddly preoccupied lately."

Severus scowled at the mention of him.

Lily ignored it, giving him a grin and a shrug; "I think there may be a lady involved."

No doubt.

Regulus had been gone barely a month before Sirius Black had come crawling out of the woodwork, laying claim to everything his brother had built, and, despite Lily making him aware of Regulus' continuing survival, Black had set forth with the legalities that saw to it he would receive anything and everything that he may be entitled to – Malachi's 'death' meaning that Black was undeniably Regulus' next of kin – and, legally, he was entitled to everything.

Bastard.

Although it made sense. Severus was far from surprised when he thought back on it and blamed missing the obvious signs of Black's intentions on the fact that he had often gone out of his way not to think about the other man in the slightest since parting ways at Hogwarts, but it was all startlingly clear when he did so now. It had been after the war, after the Foundation had been founded, when it was growing more and more prominent, that Black had begun to make his first attempts at reconciliation with Regulus. Continuing as such in the years that followed; now, his goal was clear.

Four weeks after Regulus' disappearance, Severus was served with notice to either vacate the premises at Newton's or cough up Regulus' share to purchase it outright. Severus had no wish to do so, anyway, having spent most of his time at Hogwarts or the dwellings he now temporarily rented, but he resented doing anything that in any way assisted Black with his moneygrubbing. In fact, he had considered taking it to the courts, or at least to Lucius; demand he have Narcissa challenge him to the rights. She had been more family to Regulus than Black ever had the past few years.

"Hey." Lily's nudge drew him from his thoughts.

He forced thoughts of Black away. The man was already a potential sore spot between them, even if Lily – and Dumbledore - had seemed to agree with him that Black's actions had been opportunistically callous, and the last thing he wanted to do was waste precious time, that could be much better spent in other ways, so much as even thinking of that imbecile.

"I have something for him." Severus threw the covers off and stood, unable to help the little smirk of satisfaction he got when he noticed Lily's eyes lingering when he walked to the dresser.

"For Sirius?" she said, confusion in her voice.

"Lupin."

Severus lifted the box of phials, ignoring the temptation to voice his thoughts that phials of poison to give to Black would give him far more satisfaction than what these held for Lupin. He held it out to her; "He knows how it works."

Lily looked from the box, up to his eyes, and he saw the realisation come to hers; with it came surprise, gratefulness, along with a warmth he was beginning to realise was reserved only for him. He felt his stomach flutter a little, embarrassingly, and he glanced away; "Dumbledore demanded it."

"Ah." Lily grinned but the warmth in her eyes was still there when she took the box from him; "Thanks, Sev. Remus will be –"

Severus waved a hand, cutting her off; even talking about Lupin was a waste of time. He knew very well that Lupin would be grateful for the offering. And, frankly, Severus couldn't care less. If Dumbledore hadn't of insisted, he wasn't going to stand here and pretend he would have gone to the trouble of brewing the potion, as such gratitude was unwarranted.

Lily seemed to get it. She always seemed to, these days. Adapting far better than he had expected to the dark, dreary life he had promised her some months before; carrying on as bright and as resilient as ever. And he was selfishly grateful that she seemed to be able to handle it, seemed to be just as happy as he with where they were.

Lily stood and approached him, winding her arms around his neck; something he recognised to be the beginning of goodbye.

"So. I'll see you tonight, then?"

Severus raised an eyebrow.

"Order meeting."

"Right."

He kissed her.

She smiled up at him when he drew back; "Right."

Severus had often seen couples; two people who would linger, touching and kissing and expressing sweet nothings to one another publically, seeming completely engrossed in one another and entirely oblivious to everything and anything going on around them. Sappy, bumbling idiots that only served to cause embarrassment to those unfortunate enough to observe them.

It ought to mortify him that he was quite certain that he, himself, now fell under such a category.

It didn't though.

Severus was more than happy to indulge himself; lips pressing behind her ear and then to the side of her neck, hands slipping beneath the fabric of her sweater to touch.

Lily giggled, drawing back; "Enough of that, Professor. I really do have to go."

He kissed her again.

Lily gave in, drawing him closer, pressing herself against him. Sighed into his mouth, a little moan that she knew had the capability to drive him wild, but then she drew back and her arms slipped downwards; hands resting on the side of his arms. She raised an eyebrow with a cheeky smile.

Little tease.

Severus only smiled and her own brightened when he did. She pressed her lips back to his, quick, once, twice, and then she drew back; "Okay." She turned, lifting her discarded cloak from the floor, glancing over her shoulder as she straightened up; "I'm going to go now."

"So I see."

"Because if I don't go now, I won't go at all."

"Is that supposed to threaten me?"

"Think you can handle me full time?"

"I do not shy away from a challenge."

Lily laughed and brushed by him, eyes meeting his, sparkling and affectionate when they did; "See you later, Sev."

With a careful glance out the door, she checked the area and he briefly wondered why she hadn't brought the invisibility cloak. A moment later, she was gone.

Leaving him alone with his thoughts.

When Severus was with her, rational thoughts always seemed to leave him, at least somewhat; easily forgetting himself when they were together. It had always been the same, the world always seeming to take a back seat, even when they had been back at Hogwarts. Back then, he fooled himself into thinking it couldn't touch them; now, though, he knew better.

Concerns over such things were unavoidable, understandable. Bigger than the lesser issues his mind also seemed to see fit to dwell upon on occasion.

Today, thoughts lingered on Potter; the mention of the boy to whom Lily had to return home to inevitably leading to them. Had they been anyone else, people not caught up in the heart of the war, perhaps it would make sense to ponder it. The entire issue seeming laughable in light of the other obstacles that he and Lily faced.

Yet, his mind lingered on the issue all the same. On the questions he wasn't sure he could even ask, the answer having the potential to shatter the little glass house they had built.

Where did Potter factor into their relationship?

Or, perhaps more appropriately, where did Severus factor into their marriage?

Other than his outburst some months before, Lily's choice of husband was a subject which never came up, both avoiding and changing the subject whenever it seemed to come close. Especially now.

Part of him told himself to ignore it, the lingering uncertainty. He would know eventually, if occasion were to arise to warrant it, so just enjoy how things were as they were now. Being with her at all was more than he could possibly have even hoped for and it made little sense for him to dwell on if and how it would end. There were many reasons why it would and Severus would be fooling himself if he said he believed that what they had was actually going to last.

Soon enough, something would happen, something would take her away.

What did it matter if it was Potter?

At least, that's what he thought, rationally. Irrationally, he imagined scenarios such as Potter awakening – it was a possibility, there were studies ongoing that could result in revival – and the masochistic side of himself could picture it clearly; Potter returning and taking Lily away.

But he was uncertain if it was even fair for him to bring up the subject with her. He couldn't expect her to answer questions regarding a scenario which may never happen in the first place and Lily had already expressed to him, well before he had even confessed to his own transgressions, that she had struggled with letting go of the other man in the first place. Laying such questions at her door would only lead to musings that were, undoubtedly, painful for her, particularly now that she had opted to let go and move on.

Is that what this was though? Was she moving on or was she simply passing time?

She says she loves you, you idiot.

Yes. She does.

For now, he could content himself with that.

Severus stretched, eyeing the bed and considering heading back into it for another half hour, before heading back to Hogwarts.

The searing burn that suddenly seized him by the left forearm put end to the thought.

"Uncle Sirius!"

Malachi leapt into his uncle's arms, smiling widely as Sirius stepped into the little shack that he and Regulus had been hiding out in for the past few weeks.

"Hey kid." Sirius laughed, giving him a squeeze, before dropping him with a plonk back to his feet. He swung around the knapsack he sported, holding it up; "Hungry?"

"Starving!"

Regulus smiled slightly, as Malachi quickly seized a sandwich Sirius presented him with, making his way to the entrance that Sirius had just enter through; peering out at the trees.

"'s alright, little brother. I'm getting to be a pro now at stealth and approach."

Regulus smirked, rolling his eyes, before he drew back.

Sirius shrugged, holding up the cloak he held in his hand; "Or I may have borrowed Harry's invisibility cloak."

"Can we keep it?" Malachi's eyes widened, excitedly.

"Nope." Sirius grinned, tucking it away; "I'm afraid he doesn't know I have it."

"You stole it?"

"Borrowed, kid," Sirius said with a wink, before he proceeded to unload what he had brought; various food items, copies of Daily Prophets from the past couple of weeks since his last visit, clean clothing, blankets. Transfiguring them into their normal size from the smaller state he had reduced them to so they would fit in the small carrier.

Sirius tossed some magazines in Malachi's direction, along with another, smaller bag that Malachi eagerly lifted. Pulled out items Regulus recognised from his son's room at Newton's. Some books, toys, a photo frame with a moving image of his son and Evelyn inside, a toy snitch he'd received from Severus the Christmas the year they had lost her.

Malachi stared down at the picture, reverently, before raising his eyes and smiling shyly at his uncle; "Thanks."

Sirius ruffled his hair; "Don't mention it."

"You got Newton's sorted, then?" Regulus spoke up.

Sirius nodded, leaving Malachi to his things, and approaching Regulus without the same ease he always demonstrated with his son; "Uh, yeah. I got the deeds in this morning and headed over. It'll be a couple more days before I can get it all straightened out for selling up. I have to take Harry tomorrow, Lily's started that new fellowship now. Won't take long though, people have already started sniffing around asking when it's going up for sale."

Regulus nodded; "Right." He swallowed, glancing around and avoiding his eyes; "Thanks."

"Is there anything you want me to bring? From the house?"

Regulus shook his head; "Just Malachi's stuff. I think most of it is there. The rest is replaceable."

Sirius nodded, slowly, eyes seeming to study him and Regulus shifted, uncomfortably.

He hated this. Hated relying on his brother for anything. But he had no choice. Not even a week of running, hiding, and he and Malachi had barely survived; no one to turn to. Just finding food was an almost impossible task, especially as he had been so unwilling to let his son out of his sight for even a second.

And he couldn't go to Narcissa; he knew the Malfoys would be under scrutiny as the Dark Lord searched for him and Severus would be even more so. The idea of going to him for help was unthinkable. It was a relief to learn from Sirius, when they had been discussing the legalities of getting everything liquidated, that Severus was even still alive himself and had been able to maintain his cover following his own exposure.

Sirius was the only one.

And, despite their estrangement and how little he wanted to have to turn to him, Regulus had known his brother would step up. That he would protect him, if he asked.

So he had. For Malachi, as well as for himself. His son couldn't be expected to suffer just so Regulus could maintain his own pride. He already had to suffer enough for his father's mistakes.

"Hey." Sirius placed a hand on Regulus' shoulder and he met his eyes, fighting the urge to step away; "Is there anything else you need?"

Regulus shook his head.

Perhaps he was being foolish, childish, ungrateful by maintaining his distance; demanding Sirius help him when he was unwilling to offer up anything of himself in return. Sirius wanting to reconcile, properly, and Regulus wanting to keep punishing him, nurse the grudge, the feelings that his brother's abandonment still brought up within him.

Yes, it was childish. He was acting like a brat. Hardly something he ought to be proud of. But, hey, he was the little brother here.

"Look, Reg, maybe it's time I went to Dumbledore, yeah? He could help you a whole lot better than I can."

"No. Not yet."

"It's almost sorted. I'll get Newton's sold within the week; once we've got somewhere else you'll be under the Fidelius and then –"

"And then we'll tell Dumbledore. Not now, Sirius. It's too risky."

"Reg –"

"Just drop it!" Regulus snapped. The last person he wanted to think about was Dumbledore. As soon as he revealed himself to him he'd be back in it; back in the war. Taking on whatever new role the old man decided he would be best suited for and, right now, the only thing Regulus wanted to concern himself with was making sure there was a safe place for Malachi to hide while he did so.

Some dingy little shack in the woods was hardly the place he had in mind, the charms Sirius casting over the place meagre, barely a deterrent if the Dark Lord or the other Death Eaters discovered the location of their current hide out.

"Just you, Sirius."

Sirius looked like he wanted to argue, like he wanted to insist, but he didn't; he, too, feeling the strain of civility that hung over them. This wasn't brotherhood, Sirius knew that, it was necessity.

For immediate survival purposes, yes. But also the fact that something more was needed to ensure they could carry on living this way. And no one else could access what Regulus needed; his money. Black blood once again proving essential.

Sirius drew in a breath, seeming to realise he wasn't going to get anywhere with him, not this time. Regulus felt the burn of mortification as he remembered how he had wept in his arms as he had reeled in the aftermath of the blood curse; confessed his innermost feelings of remorse.

Merlin.

Even Severus hadn't been privy to such an outpour prior to that; no one had. Of course, Severus had been there, also, witnessing the whole thing.

Regulus cleared his throat, turning away.

"Guess I'll head off then."

"What?" Malachi perked up, attention on his comics evaporating and met his uncle's eyes, looking disappointed; "But you only just got here."

Sirius hesitated, glancing briefly in Regulus' direction; "Yeah…I uh –"

Regulus shrugged; "Stay if you want."

He reached down, lifting one of the Prophet's Sirius had brought, and headed to the other side of the room; which was merely a few feet. Sitting down and settling to read it. He didn't blame his son for his eagerness at keeping Sirius around. Even if he wasn't as fond of him as he was, he doubted Malachi enjoyed being confined to the tiny dwellings they had been moving back and forth between, with only his father for company for the past few months.

Sirius took the invitation and sat down next to Malachi; proceeded to offer commentary on what Malachi was reading for a while until his son cast the magazine aside, toys forgotten, as he became engrossed in Sirius' stories.

Regulus didn't join the conversation. Pretended to read the newspaper as he listened in. His son eagerly posing questions and Sirius answering them with a familiar over-dramatic manner than he recognised from when they were children; when Regulus would ask him questions of his own and his big brother – oh, so much older and wiser – would humour him and tell him the answers; sometimes lies, mind you, sometimes utter nonsense that Regulus would go on to repeat only to learn he had been duped.

His big brother was always an arse.

Regulus couldn't help it; fighting a smile as he listened to his son interact with him. The little boy's laughter filling the air, his brother's chuckles following suit. And he felt himself longing for those days, back before, when everything was different. The world hadn't touched them yet.

Still innocent. Still pure.

Sirius met his eyes then, seeming to hear his thoughts.

And, for the first time in over decade, Regulus gave him a smile.