Chapter Sixty-Three

"Sirius! Oh my god!"

Lily pounced on him as he walked through the door to Remus' flat.

"Lil'?" Sirius frowned; "What are you doing here?"

"I was looking for you! Remus was worried – we were both worried – where have you been? I checked St – what happened?" Lily's eyes darted over him, the torn front of his shirt easily displaying the fresh scars beneath it, even if he had drawn the fabric over in an attempt to cover them, sticky blood matting it against his skin.

Maybe he ought to have cleaned up a bit first.

Sirius flicked his wand, casting a quick cleansing charm, but Lily, the Healer, suddenly took place of Lily, the worrier, and seized him by the arm, drawing him to the couch.

"That won't do it." She lifted her wand, eyeing him over; "You need to clean those up, properly. And you'll need a blood replenishment potion." She lifted her wand, muttering some incantations, and then she paused, looking at him curiously after a moment; "Which you've already taken?"

Sirius gave her a grin; "What, you think I go into these things unprepared?"

She raised an eyebrow, studying him sceptically for a second, before she tightened her grip on her wand once more; "Right." She murmured further incantations as she continued checking over him; "I didn't know you were so adept at brewing potions."

"I'm not."

Lily met his eyes for a second, before frowning and carrying on.

"Suppose it's a good thing lover boy was there."

That got her attention.

Lily stopped. Met his eyes.

Sirius only returned her look, evenly.

Her mouth opened. Closed. Brow furrowing as she made sense of what he had said.

"Severus helped you?"

He said nothing. Let the silence speak for itself.

Sure, he might have helped him. Saved his life, even. And, perhaps, Sirius might have seen something a bit more in him; something that, before, he would have quite sincerely sworn could not possibly be there.

But it was still Snape.

And Sirius wasn't going to sit there and spout praise about the man. He certainly wasn't going to let Lily think he was actually okay with the fact that she was with him.

Lily went back to work, lifting her eyes heavenward when he said no more, but there was a slight smile there, now, on the edge of her lips, her expression warming, though Sirius knew that neither were for him. Her mind seeming to leave them for a moment, no doubt heading off to the clouds where her head seemed to spend most of its time nowadays.

"Where's Harry?"

"He's asleep. Remus is –" Lily broke off, suddenly, shaking her head and squeezing her eyes shut, before she lifted her wand and sent off a patronus; "He went out looking when I got back. I told him I'd go back out –" she shrugged; "- he insisted."

Sirius gave a small smile.

"He looked like utter crap when I saw him earlier."

"I noticed." Lily stated, brow furrowing; "I think it's worse than last time. He's hiding it but…"

"Yeah, I know. I'll keep an eye on him."

It was the most civilised they – he – had been in weeks. As if nothing had ever happened. As if everything were back to normal again.

He missed this. He missed her. Her and Harry.

Sirius had made a promise, years before, over a firewhiskey and a laugh in Hogsmeade; James turning to him in drunken candidness, the war weighing heavily on their minds even as they frolicked in the bars, asking him to take care of his wife, his baby, if anything ever happened to him.

Sirius had made the promise with a grin and a raised glass; neither truly thinking that it was a promise he'd ever have to fulfil. Both entirely convinced of their own invincibility.

But, somewhere along the line, his motivations had changed. It wasn't just James anymore, as Lily had said some weeks ago. Both he and Lily were passed that now; coming out the other side of the grief of losing him and finding themselves here.

Sirius loved them. And it was that, and only that, which gave him purpose. A reason to get up in the morning.

Sirius needed them.

But Lily didn't need him.

Sirius had seen it, clear as day, in the moment that Lily stood toe to toe with him that night, Snape and Remus behind her – they, too, seeing that she didn't need them, either, to stand up for her; Lily could stand alone. She would.

And it had hit him like a punch in the gut. Even through the disgust, the astonishment, the betrayal.

Lily had grown beyond him now, leaving both him and James behind, and the determination in her eyes had told him that it was all over, the house of cards they had built crumbling with the understanding that she was ready. She wanted to go.

Even if it pained her, both of them, to finally let it happen.

"Okay. You're done." Lily stated, drawing him from his thoughts and tucking her wand back into her sleeve; "But you better get cleaned up. Properly. Remus has some salve I got for him, I'll ask him where it is when he –"

"Lil'."

"Hm?"

"I'm sorry."

Her surprise was evident, head drawing back just so as her eyebrows twitched upwards for a second. And then, she simply stared until a small finally smile came to her, even as she lifted an eyebrow; "That's got to be the last thing I imagined I'd hear from you right now."

"I guess almost dying made me forget myself for a minute."

A chuckle escaped her and she tilted her head to the side, as he went on.

"I've been a dick. To you, mind. I'm not saying that what I thought, what I'm still thinking, is wrong. Just…well. Remus thinks you can handle it."

"Handle Severus?"

"Handle everything, I'm guessing. Remus seems to think you can do anything."

"And you?"

"Well. I'm willing to be here when you can't."

Lily slapped him playfully on the arm, shooting him a glare.

Sirius smiled, giving her a shrug. And then she met his smile with one of her own and a nod but before either could say anything more the door to the flat opened and Remus walked in, looking just as pale and weary as he had when Sirius had left him earlier but his eyes, instead, conveyed relief when he saw him there.

"Alright, Moony?"

Remus eyed him; "You look worse than me."

"Ha. Don't count on that."

Lily grinned, shifting and making as if to stand up; "Do you want me to take Harry tonight?"

"What?" Sirius looked at her sharply.

"Well, as the two of you just pointed out, you look like hell."

"Ease up, Lil'. I haven't had the chance to get my make-up on yet."

Remus snickered as he gingerly lowered himself into the chair.

Lily fought a smile, rolling her eyes; "If you're sure?"

"I'll keep them here, Lily," Remus spoke up.

"See that. Good old Remus is gonna take care of me."

"Right." Lily stood, then, indicating at his chest; "Get those cleaned up."

"Yes, Mum."

Lily smiled at him and shook her head as she made her way to the door, giving Remus a parting squeeze on the shoulder as she instructed him to 'make sure you get him that salve' just as she was leaving. No doubt in Sirius mind as to where she was heading off to, now that she'd got the three of them straightened out.

Waited for an ensuing surge of bitterness that, this time, didn't come.

Sirius leaned back, watching her go, and, for the first time in a very long time, he really believed that they were all going to be alright.

Severus had tried to stay awake.

He'd come across the note Lily had left, hastily scribbled and placed on his pillow, just after Black had departed; telling him sorry she wasn't there, that the wolf had sent for her and that she'd be back later, if it wasn't too late. Don't wait up.

Severus didn't last long. The events of the night taking the little energy he had in the first place from him, the potions he had taken himself to dull the lingering aftershocks of the Cruciatus making him drowsy, unfocused, even when he had been dealing with Black's injuries.

Sleep just wouldn't wait.

But he left the door unlocked. Just in case.

It paid off.

Only an hour or so after drifting off, he felt the mattress dip behind him, cool arms slipping around his waist as a familiar body moulded itself against him.

Severus peered, blearily, over his shoulder; met with bright green eyes and a wide smile.

His voice came out low, husky with sleep; "You look happy."

Lily nodded against his shoulder, still smiling; "Mhm."

Ah.

Lily had spoken with Black.

Severus turned, slightly, to touch his forehead against the side of hers.

"Thank you," she whispered, pressing a kiss to his cheek. And then she tightened her arms around him, snuggling in close and burying her face in his hair, presumably ready to sleep.

Severus wouldn't object to that.

He reached down, linking his fingers with hers and drew her hand upwards, pressing a kiss to her palm, before settling back down himself.

Sleep coming easily to them both.

Severus sat down next to Lily at the next Order meeting.

She turned confused eyes his way.

This was a change from their previously agreed behaviour. They were supposed to stay away from one another, as much as possible. Even among their allies.

And, even if that were not the case, it was still a deviation from the norm as, ever since the Order meetings had resumed months before, Lily always sat between Sirius and Remus; Severus opposite.

"Good evening, Professor," she commented, wryly.

Severus gave her a nod; "Mrs Potter."

He seemed tense.

Remus approached, eyeing Severus with curiosity at where he was seated – in his seat – and walked on by behind them both without hesitation or a word, taking the seat on the other side of Sirius.

Lily looked away when Sirius' realisation of what had happened became evident, turning from him as he turned towards her, half-expecting a comment, but Sirius remained silent.

Severus' wand was on the table in front of him, his fingers resting lightly against it, the index tapping the wood, almost in anticipation of having to use it.

"I was just speaking with Arthur," Remus' voice sounded, drawing her attention in his and Sirius' direction; "Death Eaters attacked the Auror, Ryder Stone, last night. His house. Killed his whole family."

Another attack. Further deaths. All adding to the ever-increasing death toll; muggleborns and their sympathisers quickly coming under scrutiny and attack in recent months.

But this was different.

"His house? How did they find out where he lived?" Sirius straightened, looking alarmed.

"Friends of theirs said his wife had been worried for a while, said that Stone was sure he was being watched. He played it down at the time but…" Remus shook his head, breaking off.

"First the Waters, now the Stones. It's just like last time," Sirius said, lowly, though it didn't matter if anyone overheard. Soon, anyone who hadn't already would hear of it. Dumbledore likely to give the details of it upon his arrival.

"But where we live," Lily spoke up, her anxiety gripping her steadfastly; "Eaton Waters wasn't an Auror, he was just an Order member. Not even a fighter! How would the Death Eaters even know –"

"Right. Some of the information they've been getting are things only people in the Order would know. Or, at least, someone with access to it." Sirius eyes went passed Lily then, to Severus sitting beside her.

Lily shot him a warning look and Sirius turned away.

Lily drew in a breath, turning her attention back to Severus, who remained silent, still, not looking their way.

She kept her eyes on the table, her voice low; "Everything okay?"

Severus glanced at her out the corner of his eye but said nothing.

"What's wrong?"

"Stay sharp."

"What?"

"Sh."

Dumbledore strode into the room then, making his way to the customary seat at the top of the table. Even he seemed to notice the new change of seating arrangement. His eyes lingered a moment on Severus as he walked by, glancing between them both. Severus returned his look evenly, before the Headmaster gave a slight nod and a knowing smile, before turning to address the rest of the table.

"Good evening, everyone. I'm sure by now you have all heard of the tragic events that took place last night…"

Dumbledore carried on. Carried on speaking kind words about those who had been lost, almost a eulogy, before going on to make vague, indirect comments on how they ought to respond. His words eventually becoming empty, saying nothing but things that everyone already knew.

It was almost as if he was reluctant to speak details, even when met with the uneasy questions of those in the room. Questions asking how Voldemort and his followers could have possibly known the identity of Waters, how they could have tracked Stone to his home, whether or not the rest of them were safe; their own families, their children.

Lily felt a chill run through her.

Dumbledore, however, remained as calm, as stoic as ever; reassuring and commanding, all at once, as he encouraged everyone to remain strong.

Severus, beside her, said nothing. Sat by her side, even more tense than he usually was at these meetings, fingers still twitching against his wand where it lay on the table.

Lily was becoming accustomed to the little signs, the little actions of his, that were indicative of what he was thinking, feeling. Quickly recognising when he was irritated, when he was embarrassed, when he was pleased.

In this instance, despite his blank expression, Lily could pick it up from the little tap, tap, tap of his index finger against his wand.

Severus was anxious.

Something was very wrong.

As if on cue, an alarm suddenly sounded.

Shrill and urgent and deafening.

A breach of the wards.

Severus' wand was snatched up, instantly. Everyone else following suit, scrambling to their feet.

Death Eaters were suddenly everywhere.

Those too slow to react hit the ground first; the first to be hit with the jinxes, the Unforgivables.

It was chaos.

The attack so unexpected, the location of it – Order Headquarters – so unthinkable, that confusion rippled through the room, even as the Order members fought back.

"Crucio!"

Remus hit the ground. His cries of agony joining the cries of the others within the room; cries of pain, of incantations, of instruction.

Sirius hit back at the Death Eater who struck him, engaging them at close range.

"Get out, we have to get out!"

The room was not large, making it difficult to move, to fight back, to be certain they wouldn't hit one of their own as their spells fired forth; Death Eaters seeming to come in from all sides.

"Sectumsempra!"

Lights fired forth everywhere. People ducking and firing, almost aimlessly, all skills and knowledge of battle rendered almost useless by the circumstances they found themselves in; stumbling over the fallen and bumping into one another.

And then someone saw sense, fired a spell that blew out the wall behind them; Death Eaters and Order Members spilling out of the room and onto the grassy turf outside.

They engaged one another, ferociously, as all found their bearings, the playing field evening out now that they were outdoors; Death Eaters no longer surrounding them, losing the upper hand of surprise.

"Einlatus!"

"Crucio!"

"Avada kedavra!"

They fought mercilessly and Lily, previously firing as hastily throw spells came her way, quickly found herself engaged with an opponent; curses fired forth, for the appearance of civility had been long since lost in the months since Voldemort returned.

No one held back.

Curses.

Not jinxes, not hexes.

They were all, everyone, beyond that now.

"Globus ignis!"

Lily ducked as ball of fire flew her way, the heat scorching even as it missed, flying passed her; engulfing someone behind, as they screamed in pain.

"Fulmina!"

"Sectumsempra!"

Her opponent doubled over but they recovered fast, the unforgivable shooting her way before Lily could even react; "Crucio!"

It was not unfamiliar.

But it was a sensation one could never develop an immunity to, a tolerance.

Every time unbearable, searing, agonising; the intensity, the endlessness of it always quickly leading to thoughts that it would be so much better just to die than to feel it a moment longer.

Lily screamed, as she writhed on the ground.

And then her opponent was struck. Hit from behind with a non-verbal. Falling to the ground with a thud.

Lily's vision cleared when the Cruciatus was abruptly lifted.

Severus stood a little way away, anxious eyes only leaving her when hers met his.

She got to her feet, eyeing the Death Eater she knew Severus had hit; still breathing.

A body-bind.

It was tamest spell anyone in the vicinity had cast.

And, then, Lily remembered; Severus couldn't fight for the Order, here.

Nor could he fight for the Death Eaters.

Every spell he cast as he engaged them non-verbal. And non-lethal.

Keeping up appearances.

That was a far as her ruminations got; another opponent quickly making themselves known to her and she fought back, instinctively, as any reflective thoughts left her. In the moment, to survive, to fight, the only motivator behind her actions; curses leaving her lips without hesitation.

"Come on, you can do better than that!" Sirius' voice met her ears, cocky and mocking, and with a glance to the side Lily could see he was once again engaged by his cousin; Bellatrix, who had left him for dead less than a week before.

The glint in the woman's eyes telling Lily she wanted nothing more than to finish the job.

"Avada kedavra!"

Sirius barely dodged it.

He laughed.

Lily could have rolled her eyes.

Instead, all carried on fighting; focus entirely on her opponent once more.

Curses fired forth; light and cries filling the air.

People falling with every moment that passed.

The Order had no option but to retreat. To run. Some people cried it out; Dumbledore ordering them to pull back.

The members began to disapparate, casting final spells the Death Eaters' way, as they made their escape.

The opponent Lily fought fell; struck from behind, and then Severus was suddenly in front of her, taking her by the arm; "Let's go."

Severus kept a grip of her; disapparated swiftly, taking her with him.

It took a second for her to find her bearings. Where Severus had brought her to. The woods alongside his home.

"Severus." Lily shook her head, even as he let her go and made his way in the direction of the house, his expression grim; "Remus, Sirius, they might –"

"They'll have left by now."

"You don't know that –"

"If they had sense they'd follow Dumbledore's orders."

Lily followed, still shaken by what had just happened. The Death Eaters had attacked them at Headquarters. Had somehow learned the location, of the place where they had congregated for the past several months. Just as they had been learning and acting upon information of its members. It couldn't be coincidence.

It couldn't have been accidental.

Lily stopped.

"You knew."

Severus halted in his steps, a few feet in front of her.

"You knew that was going to happen."

There was a pause.

A tense silence.

And then Lily heard a quiet 'muffliato' cast, before Severus turned to face her. He met her eyes for only a second, before he averted them, as if he couldn't even look at her.

"Didn't you?"

"You know you can't ask me that."

"Don't give me it. Just tell me the truth."

"Yes."

"Then why didn't you say anything?"

Severus met her eyes then, looking exasperated.

He was silent. As if he was weighing up the question. He shook his head, jaw clenching; "What makes you think I didn't?"

Lily frowned.

Was he saying what she thought he was saying?

"But – Dumbledore…He wouldn't…How could he –"

"Lily."

Lily met his eyes.

"You know we can't do this."

"We can't? We've hardly been playing by the rules so far. I don't see why you telling me about this –"

"Yes you do," Severus interrupted her, eyes glancing around the area, cautiously, even if he had cast the spell, even if he had ensured no one knew of this place; "I made it very clear from the start what I am. You said you accepted it. That you understood."

Lily swallowed, averting her eyes, digesting his words.

Yes, she had.

Severus was the spy. The double agent.

"I told you, there's things I can't tell you. It's not safe for you to know."

"That Dumbledore is willing to let Order members die to pursue his own agenda?" Lily glowered.

Severus lifted his eyes, skywards; "He is the commander of the Order, he leads the resistance to the Dark Lord. There are sacrifices he has no choice but to make."

"Lives."

"Yes. If it means that he may prevent the loss of further such in the larger scale."

"Well that's not acceptable."

"Then just be glad it's not you who bears the burden of it." Severus turned away then, making his way towards the house.

Lily followed. Neither speaking until the door clicked shut behind him.

"You can't be okay with this?" Lily turned on him once more; "Who knows how many people just died tonight, Severus!"

"Lily –"

"How did Voldemort find out where we were? Did you tell him? Did Dumbledore tell you to?"

"I can't answer that."

"Which means yes!"

"You know what I am. It is necessary for the Dark Lord to believe I am useful to him; otherwise he will not reveal information to me, information that Dumbledore needs to –"

"So the ends justify the means?"

"Just stop –"

"No! I won't stop. I have to know! You told me to trust that man to protect my son –"

"I assure you, your son's survival is of upmost importance to him –"

"As if that makes me feel any better!"

Lily felt sick.

How could she possibly carry on fighting for Dumbledore, knowing what she now knew; that anyone was expendable. That he would risk their lives, any of their lives, if it only meant getting ahead in this war.

It was abhorrent.

It was so wrong.

And, yet, Severus stood here before her, telling her this as if it were the most rational thing in the world. The game that Dumbledore was playing. Trading one piece of information, through Severus, in order to receive a piece of his own in return.

Each making their move, their play, and they were all the pawns.

Severus wasn't looking at her now. He was looking away, almost hanging his head, as if he was aware of everything she was thinking.

Never before had their circumstances been more apparent.

Lily had always known not to ask. Severus had told her not to.

Now she knew why.

Severus had known all this for years. Had served Dumbledore as a spy since the first war.

"Severus."

He sighed.

"We are at war, Lily." He finally spoke candidly, though he still did not meet her eyes; "And it's a war we're at very real risk of losing. Dumbledore is our only chance. You may find his methods questionable, but surely you don't question that. He is the most gifted Wizard we have on our side, the only person the Dark Lord is truly afraid of, because he, too, knows that Dumbledore would do anything to bring him down. To end this."

Lily couldn't help shaking her head; couldn't help the fact that she couldn't stomach it. The hard truth.

"These are decisions that have to be made, the consequences of which most could not find it within themselves to carry; Dumbledore does so, so that we don't have to."

"Severus –"

"If a lesser man were leading us, I have no doubt that we would fail."

Severus turned away from her then, going to pass her by, but Lily wouldn't let him. Took him by the arm and forced him to stop, to look at her. And she saw it, then, the burden that he spoke of; the shame, the regret.

Dumbledore called the shots.

Severus carried them out.

Even if he hated it.

All this time, the two of them had only ever discussed what Severus being a spy meant for them, for her. Never had they truly broached the subject of what it meant for him. The weight he carried, silently, never turning to her, never revealing anything of what Dumbledore or Voldemort asked him to do.

Severus had sold his soul to the man a long time ago.

To save her.

Lily closed her eyes, her voice coming out as a whisper; "I'm sorry."

When they opened, Severus was looking at her. He eyed her, looking bewildered, uncertain; "Sorry?"

"I guess I just…I never really thought about it. Not properly. The things you have to do."

Severus shifted, looking uneasy for a moment, before he seemed to wipe his expression of emotion completely; "If it's not something you feel you can –"

"No. That's not what I'm saying," Lily interrupted him, knowing instantly where he was going; "I'm just saying I'm sorry. I should have thought about it before. What it meant for you, all of this; not just us."

"I don't want you thinking about it. I told you. I don't want you asking questions."

Lily sighed, exasperation rising within her at Severus' relentless refusal to show any weakness at all. His ever-infuriating persistence to protect her from everything. Especially now, when she could see that it was him who needed her, needed someone to be there, to lean on.

Lily knew he was struggling with it. With the things Dumbledore was asking him to do.

She could see it in his eyes.

Lily stepped towards him then, taking him in her arms and pressing her face into his neck; pulling him close. He tensed for a second and then his arms wound around her, an exhale escaping him as the tension left his body.

She drew back to look at him, keeping her arms around him as she did, and he met her eyes, guardedly, as if he couldn't quite believe she was letting him hold her. Pillock.

She leaned up, kissing him softly. A kiss he returned, gently, until she drew back to press her forehead against his.

"Lily. I understand if you want to –"

"Nope."

"I –"

"Don't even." She shook her head, decidedly; "As I've told you before, I'm not going anywhere."

Severus still looked uneasy, uncertain, but it fell away when she lifted her chin, defiantly, raising an eyebrow before giving him a small smile.

And then he sighed, pulling her close once more, finding the comfort in her arms that he was too proud to ask for.

Lily held him tight.

Determined now, more than ever, that she would always be there to provide it.