Chapter Eighteen
Insistent knocking that would not be ignored forced Remus to rise from where he had collapsed into bed a few hours earlier.
He moved, weakly, towards the door to his chambers, expecting Poppy to be on the other side – checking on him, unnecessarily, again – when he finally reached it and pulled it open.
Severus stood there, looking impatient.
"Severus."
Remus did all he could to straighten up, to not appear as weak and sickly as he felt.
"Lupin. A word?"
Remus forced a nod, stepping aside so that Severus could go ahead and make himself comfortable, while he followed slowly and lowered himself into the nearest chair to the threshold.
"What can I do for you, Severus?"
Severus held up a piece of parchment, tossing it onto the coffee table between them; "Recognise this?"
The Marauder's Map.
Remus stared at it, not reaching for it, as it required far too much effort than he was willing – or able – to make.
He turned his eyes back to Severus; "Where did you get that."
"From Potter. Who else? It seems he has been putting it to good use."
"How so? Has he been sneaking into Hogsmeade again?"
"I am not being sarcastic, Lupin. Potter came to me last night; he identified a name quite familiar to us both upon it. Peter Pettigrew."
Remus straightened, despite himself, wincing at the sharp pain that shot through him at the motion; "Peter?"
"Yes. It seems he has been trawling the grounds of the Castle for months."
Severus activated the map, peering at it, as if looking for the name.
"It seems an unnecessary question; but would Pettigrew recognise this item, if he were to see Potter using it?"
"Yes."
"Then we can presume that he doesn't care that Potter knows of his presence. And that the Dark Lord is anticipating a response at some point, according to whom he was to reveal the information to."
"How does Harry know about Peter, though? We've never told him, what he did to them."
"An oversight that has proven less than sensible," Severus remarked, and Remus just glared because anything further than that required an energy that he just didn't have within him at that moment; "It seems that Potter learned of it through his nightmares; the Dark Lord referred to Pettigrew by name and, from that, he was able to deduce his allegiance to the Dark Lord by himself. I doubt he is aware of the true extent of his betrayal of the Potters, as I obviously could not reveal it to him."
Remus frowned; "Harry came to you about this?"
"You seem surprised."
Severus looked smug.
Remus drew in a breath, not bothering to dance about the subject; "Can you blame me?"
"Perhaps not."
Remus adjusted himself in the chair, the pain of remaining in one position too long forcing him to weakly do so; "Well, Severus, if Harry has seen fit to confide in you about it all, then I don't see what it has to do with me? Unless you are here to accuse me of being in some way complicit in Peter's activities?"
Remus was only half-joking.
"Not quite, Mr Moony. As you are aware, while Potter has saw fit to regale me of this information, it is not possible for me to do anything about it without implicating myself. The connection between Potter and the Dark Lord's mind prevents it."
"Right. So, you want me to ask Harry about Peter?"
"Discreetly. Try not to be too obvious about it. This information could only have come from me."
"More lies. Of course."
Remus couldn't keep the bitterness from his voice if he tried.
"Something to say, Lupin?"
"Nothing you'd want to hear."
"Is that why you go behind my back to Lily, then?"
Remus felt a surge of irritation hit him; "It is none of your business what is said between me and Lily, Severus. We were friends long before you entered the picture."
"It's my business when it concerns my family."
"Family," Remus laughed, humourlessly, shaking his head and looking away in disbelief.
"Care to elaborate on your amusement?"
"Harry," Remus said, simply.
"What about him?"
"You call him family?"
"Obviously."
"He thinks you hate him."
Remus thought he caught a flash of something – of feelings, shockingly enough – but it was gone as quickly as it flared up.
"It is safer for him that way."
"He is a child, Severus. A living, breathing, thinking child who is not going to take this lightly, when the truth of what you and Lily have been keeping from him comes out."
"Surely even you are not so lacking in sense as to wonder why it has to be this way. If any connection were to be made between him and myself – especially now, that this link between him and the Dark Lord has been established – it would not only be Potter and myself in danger, but Lily and Grace as well."
"Maybe you should have thought of that before pursuing this."
"Now who's not minding their own business, Lupin?"
"Harry is my business. Those kids –"
"Leave my daughter out of this."
Severus' eyes flashed, dangerously, as he said it; reminding Remus just who it was he was talking to and he was not foolish enough to think that Severus was in any way happy about the large presence Remus had in Grace's life.
He would happily kick him out of it, if Lily would have it.
Remus drew in a breath, backing down, and glanced away with a frown; "I'll speak to him."
"Good."
Severus got to his feet, deactivating the map and tucking it back into his robes.
"If you'll report to Dumbledore with your findings, that would be most helpful."
"Not yourself, Severus?"
"As much as I should like continue our conversation, I will be at the Foundation for the rest of the day."
Remus only nodded, glad of the fact he wouldn't have to deal with another encounter with Severus that day.
The Potions Master took his leave without a word, heading towards the door.
"Give Lily my love."
Severus halted in his steps, pausing for a moment. Remus saw him shake his head, slightly, and fought back a smirk.
Severus looked at him, over his shoulder, shooting him a dark glare.
"Of course, Lupin."
Remus gave him a tight smile.
Severus slammed the door.
Lily was distracted.
It seemed as if anything that could go wrong, would go wrong as a matter of rule, these days, and she was tired of the paralysing apprehension that gripped her and stopped her from just making a damn choice and knowing, with conviction, that she was making the right one.
It had been so long since she'd surely made a decision about anything.
Everything that had gone down with Sirius and Voldemort and Harry having seen to that; the consequences of all her choices back then leading to that fateful night.
Lily forced herself to focus – she was supposed to be working, after all – and get her head down to assess the numerous outcomes of the current project her team were working on.
She got to work, gathering up the parchments of potion concoctions that the Potions Masters and Apothecaries had been evaluating and how they could be paired up, forcing herself not to re-read the documents Healer Clay had given to her regarding the trials he wanted her consent to put James forward for, all the while only smiling politely when one of her colleagues attempted to engage in conversation in an attempt to dissuade any further attempts at discourse.
A stirring of activity drew Lily's attention to the front of the Lab.
Severus had just walked in.
He was immediately greeted with animated chatter; Heart and Butterman quickly drawing him over to where they worked and the three of them stood there, chatting amongst themselves, breaking into laughter every now and again, and it took great effort on Lily's part not to stare.
Lily noticed him turn in her direction, their eyes meeting briefly, before she turned her attention back to the parchments before her.
She heard the familiar click of his shoes, the accustomed stride, before she did his voice.
"Good afternoon, Mrs Potter."
"Professor Snape," she straightened up, surprised at his approach and offered, what she hoped, was a polite smile in greeting – rather than the full-on beaming one she held back – and raised an eyebrow; "Can I help you?"
"Mr Littlewood has asked for my input on Project Cassidy. I believe you are looking into the diagnostics?"
"Oh. Yes, I was just assessing the outcomes now."
"I have some recommendations, if you wouldn't mind," Severus said, indicating at the parchments, and Lily made to hand them over before they were interrupted by a teasing voice from a few rows ahead.
"Uh oh."
Butterman's voice.
Severus' eyes went sideward in his direction, though he didn't turn, and a smirk tugged at his lips.
"Beware, Lily; Severus has been let loose on you," Chesney added.
Heart laughed outright, while a few of the other colleagues chuckled amongst themselves, glancing in their direction.
"Shall I find you a crash helmet, Lily?" Chesney went on.
"Need more than that," Butterman said, shooting her a grin.
"Haven't you all got work to do?" Severus shot them a look, though the sternness in his glance was belittled by the amused twitch of his lips.
There were further chuckles and mutterings, which Severus ignored, gathering up all the parchments on her bench and, with a nod, indicated that she follow. She did, Severus leading them up to one of the larger workbenches at the back of the Lab, far away from any eavesdropping colleagues.
He tossed the parchments down onto the bench, almost carelessly, and reached into his robes, pulling out a miniaturised rack of phials and jars – which Severus returned to their normal size with a wordless flick of his wand – and accioed a cauldron from the stores, setting it up briskly, saying nothing at all as he moved around the bench.
Lily drew up the stool, taking a seat, glancing discreetly in the direction of their co-workers, some of whom cast curious glances their way – though Lily quickly summarised it was interest in Severus, rather than any interest in she and him being together, that had drawn their attention – and she turned back to him, keeping up the pretence, even though she knew there was no way any could possibly hear them from this distance.
"I wasn't aware that the aims of Project Cassidy were something of interest to you, Professor."
Severus met her eyes then, as he shrugged out of his robe and tugged on the sleeves of his shirt, rolling them up; "They aren't."
Lily's lips twitched.
"Muffliato," Severus uttered, with a flick of his wand, stepping in beside her, not stopping in his work for even a second, smoothly reaching for the jar of emmerworms in the rack; three on the bench that he began slicing up.
"Your son came to me last night."
"Is something wrong?"
"We know better than to expect any different, don't we? Pettigrew has been stalking the Castle."
"Peter?" Lily turned to him sharply, earning a warning look from Severus, and she glanced back in the direction of the others present, though they paid them no attention now.
"What happened?"
Severus explained to her the events of the previous night, carrying on with his slicing and dicing and tossing of the ingredients into the Cauldron – occasionally making eye contact – making a show as if advising her on the task at hand, should anyone happen to observe them.
When he had finished speaking, taking his leave for a minute to collect further resources from the stores, Lily forced herself to remain calm, as much as she possibly could, though her mind was positively racing at the information that Severus had given her.
That Peter was in the Castle. That he was spying on Severus. On her son. That he was watching their every move and reporting it back to the monster who sought to kill him.
When Severus came back to the bench, she met his eyes, speaking quietly, despite the muffling charm; "How can you be sure he didn't follow you here?"
"I use the Floo network directly into the office; it is impossible he would be able to follow in his animagus form, and even more so in his human, as the wards see to it that only I can access the building through that route."
"He's definitely spying on you?"
"Indeed. Harry supplied me with a most useful artefact confirming it."
"What artefact?"
"Sit over there," Severus indicated at the stool on the opposite side of the bench with a nod of his head.
Lily frowned; "What? Why?"
"Because you cannot act to save yourself and it is obvious from your expression that we are not discussing potion strategy."
Lily fought a smile, doing as Severus said and taking a seat opposite him, her back now to the colleagues still in the Lab, for several had now taken leave to follow up on their own trials.
Severus spoke without looking up from his task.
"It is an enchanted map of Hogwarts, revealing the ins and outs and comings and goings of all within it; something manufactured by Lupin and his cohorts at school, I gather. I spotted Pettigrew on it this morning, as Harry informed me I would. I did not learn much more than that, as the Dark Lord's link to the boy's mind would make it dangerous for us both if he were to reveal anything further to me – indeed, he seemed keen to do so – but I have dispatched Lupin to learn what he can from him at his earliest convenience."
"He won't be well, Severus, the full moon was last night."
"So I noticed during our conversation. Nonetheless, he is willing to offer his services and has agreed to speak with Harry before the day is out. This isn't something that can wait."
"You went to Dumbledore, yes?"
"Yes. Immediately. The students are to be gathered for a grand, final week of the year 'sleepover' in the Great Hall this evening – and any other remaining ones of the school year, should Pettigrew fail to be captured – while a select group of Professors attempt to detain him. I won't be one of those few, you can imagine why."
Lily nodded slowly, turning the information over in her mind, and thanking any and all higher beings she could imagine for the fact that both Severus and Remus were in that school with Harry, to protect him from all of this.
She lifted her eyes to Severus, who continued working and speaking with ease, as if this were entirely natural to him; "He doesn't trust you, then? Voldemort."
Severus winced.
It was a habit that had not dwindled, even in all the years since he had turned from the Dark Wizard, but even then, his unease at hearing the name was far more pronounced now that it had been in previous years, no doubt due to the impending revival that seemed to be getting closer, with each passing day.
"The Dark Lord trusts no one. As is, he is probably assessing my value to him, whether or not I have Dumbledore's trust, for when he seeks to return."
"That's what he's doing?"
"Obviously I am not an expert on the inners workings of the Dark Lord's mind but it is my impression that if he truly believed I was unfaithful to him he would not be wasting his time attempting to confirm it. He would simply eliminate me and, with Pettigrew's seemingly easy passage in and out of the Castle for the past few months, that would have been simple enough to arrange and be done with by now."
Lily hesitated in her movements, raising her eyes to Severus' then.
"I know where your mind is going; rest assured that Harry is within sight of a discreetly assigned Professor – all of whom have been briefed of the circumstances – at all times, at this very moment, and, as such, could not be any better protected even if we tried."
Lily nodded, slowly, before indicating at what he was doing and he slid over the bloom berry for her to extract the liquid.
Severus reached for the parchments as she took over the brewing preparations, glancing through them with, seeming, disinterest for a few moments until his head tilted to the side at one of the ones he caught sight of.
He dropped the remaining parchments onto the bench, keeping hold of the one that had caught his interest and Lily glanced at it, quickly realising what it was.
"Oh! That isn't what Littlewood is working on. It's just –"
"I know what it is," Severus said, mildly, interrupting her explanations, and continuing to read through the text.
Lily bit her lip, an entirely unwarranted feeling of nervousness coming over her as he did, for they were passed all of this now, they had been through so much worse. But the topic of James had and always would be an area of discomfort for the two of them.
After a few long minutes, Severus simply nodded, and dropped the parchment back to the desk, on top of the others; "Interesting."
Lily looked up at him, carefully, as she finished off what she was doing and pushed the mortar back in Severus' direction; "You think so?"
"Indeed. Regulus had described it as revolutionary; I'm inclined to agree."
Severus dripped the liquid carefully into the bubbling cauldron as he spoke, two stirs clockwise, five counter clockwise; tossing in another handful of chopped emmerworms.
"Healer Clay seems confident, also. I'm not so sure."
Severus hesitated, meeting her eyes for only a second, before he carried on with his work; "What are you unsure about?"
Lily was hesitant.
There was nothing she couldn't say to Severus. Not anymore; she knew that. But, still, this just seemed to be crossing the boundaries, pushing him a little too far – he had already demonstrated enough of his devotion to her and them as it was – and it wasn't fair, to put this on him.
"You know me. I'm always second guessing everything."
"Lily."
Lily drew in a breath, raising her eyes and he was looking at her directly this time, the sincerity in them that always made her melt ever present and she sighed, nodding, even as she averted her glance.
"What do you think the chances are? The odds?"
"Based on this?" Severus indicated the parchment he had been reading.
"Yes."
"Sixty percent."
"Success rate?" she frowned.
"Of survival."
Lily met his eyes, sharply.
"And, of those sixty percent," he went on, turning his attention back to his work; "Eighty-five percent a full restoration, fifteen percent worse off," Severus stated, stirring the liquid in the cauldron before him; another two clockwise, followed by five in the other direction.
"Terrible, then. The odds."
"It depends on how much you value the potential success against the risk, I suppose."
"Well, what do you think?"
"As a researcher, I would take it to trials." Severus paused for a moment, before he added; "But then, you're not asking as a researcher."
Lily mulled the statement, as it was true, though she wasn't entirely sure what she was asking as, because while researcher wasn't the case, loved one seemed almost insincere, in light of the fact that she had, years before now, said her goodbyes and moved on.
Severus shook his head; "I cannot advise you on that front, Lily. That's a decision you have to make on your own."
"It's not right. It shouldn't be me, not after all this time."
"You are his wife."
Severus said it with all the neutrality in the world but Lily could still sense it, the bitterness that still lingered, and she met Severus eyes, straightening somewhat and speaking with certainty.
"You and I both know that I haven't been James' wife. Not for a really long time."
Severus met her look, his expression neither softening nor hardening at the statement. Just as infuriating stoic as it ever was, whenever a topic he was uncomfortable with arose.
"It's not right that I should be making this decision anymore," Lily said, fingering the consent form with a frown.
"Well. If that's the way you truly feel, then the solution is simple. Do not answer the question as if you are his wife. Answer it, as if you are simply his proxy."
Lily lifted her head, looking at him curiously.
"Ask yourself what Potter would do, if Clay were to take this consent form to him directly. If he were physically able, knowing the risks, the odds against what he has to gain," Severus indicated the parchment she touched; "Would he sign it?"
Lily stared at Severus, thinking on what he had just said, and wondered if it was really that simple. That she should make the decision, this potential life and death decision of someone she had once loved with her whole heart, based purely on speculation of what James would have done, if he were here to do it himself.
Because, in that case, the answer was simple.
He would.
Without question, James would have his named signed at the bottom of the parchment before the ink of the document had even gone dry.
It was the risk that made everything worth it, that's what James Potter had always said.
Severus had turned back to his brewing now, carefully dripping werewolf blood into the bubbling liquid; "Indeed, you and I knew him entirely differently. But I think both of us would find it hard to believe that James Potter would choose lying in that bed for another second over any chance he has of getting out of it. Even if the odds were a hundred to one."
Lily just looked at him.
After a second, he met her eyes.
She worried her bottom lip between her teeth for a second, before she finally asked the question she knew she ought to have taken to him in the beginning; "Are you okay with this, Severus?"
He tilted his head, regarding her for a moment before his eyes softened; "Lily. Do what you have to do."
Her hand that was resting against the parchment was mere inches from where Severus' rested next to the cauldron. It was hidden completely from view of any onlookers, Lily knew, but even then she would have probably risked it. The understanding in his eyes warranted so much more but this was all they got, under the current circumstances, the tiny movement of her own hand in his direction; not taking his, no, that would be foolish. Just the pressing of the side of her hand to his.
Severus smiled.
But only for a second.
And then he straightened, drawing both hands from the desk, and pulled out another miniaturised rack from his robes that were flung over the side of the bench; another wordless spell and it was at full size, and Severus tapped each empty phial contained within it with his wand, until they all slowly filled with the potion just brewed.
"Give them five hours. That should bypass the issue Littlewood has been having with the overgrowth."
Lily stared at the potion phials, utterly dumbfounded.
"What?"
Severus' lips twitched at the astonishment in her voice but he said nothing, simply flicking his wand to clear up the bench, reducing the sizes of the rack and ingredients he had brought into the Lab with him, and unrolling his sleeves to redo the buttons.
"You're kidding," Lily shot him a look, though her lips twitched as she did, "He's been turning every component inside out for weeks trying to sort that out and you just breeze in here and fix it in less than an hour?"
"Now, Lily. I wouldn't want to brag."
Severus was smirking, as he shrugged back into his robes, tucking the miniaturised items into the pockets, before he reached into another, pulling out a rolled-up parchment that he handed over to her.
Lily unrolled it, a quick glance telling her it was the steps he had just taken to brew the potion in the phials.
Severus lifted the muffliato that had been cast over them, before she had the chance to make any smart remark in response; "Should you require any further assistance, feel free to stop by my office. At your own convenience."
Lily bit back a smile, though her back was still to any colleagues who may be looking their way.
"Thank you, Professor Snape," she simply said, re-rolling and tucking away the parchment gifted into her own robes, her tone laced with the irony she felt, and Severus inclined his head, a smile playing on his lips as he responded.
"My pleasure, Mrs Potter."
He walked on by to the front of the room.
Severus spared a minute to speak with Heart and Butterman, once more, before sweeping from the Lab and leaving her feeling much lighter than she had before he had entered it.
Even if he had come bearing further bad news about what was going on within the walls of Hogwarts.