Chapter Thirty-Two

Sleep was impossible.

It was late when Lily had eventually gone up to bed, Severus urging her to go on up, following their – what was it, a discussion, an argument, an almost-break up – following whatever that was, the night before. Though she had only herself to blame, not only for the previous night's drama but for all of this, really; Remus was right on the money when he slammed her with his statement that she had made this mess.

She had.

And she knew that Severus had only just barely held back from casting the very same accusation in her direction the night before as well.

And so, she had gone up to bed, still as wired and agitated as she had been during the exchanges, and spent the whole of the night, tossing and turning – wide, wide awake – as she tried to untangle it all in her mind and think rationally about it all, because the emotions were running far too hot when she had spoken to both Remus and Severus. But even then, looking at the cold reality of it all, she was still struggling, just as Severus had claimed she was.

It came down to one simple question; the bottom line of it all. Was Harry's trust too high a price for Grace's safety – her life, if it should come to it – and, no, up against stakes as great as that, it wasn't.

Everything, every attempt she had made to protect and prevent Harry from being targeted by Voldemort, years and years ago, before this had all even really started; it had all led to the very event Lily had sought to prevent. Her desperate – emotional, irrational – response to learning about the prophecy leading her to put into motion the very events that had led to Regulus' defection, Regulus and Malachi having to flee, Sirius being killed trying to conceal them and Harry, finally, being Marked.

Regulus didn't blame her for all of that, no, citing that she was being ridiculous – he would have fought tooth and nail for Malachi's safety, too – when she had tried to apologise to him for it all, but Lily did. The reality of those consequences, as well as what was happening now, weighed heavily upon her.

Every single day.

The loss of four lives, potentially, already on her hands if the Fidelius should fail and she'd be damned if she did anything that would put her daughter on Voldemort's hit list, as well.

But Remus was right when he said they would lose him over this.

The better of two evils, Lily thought, bitterly, and flung the bedclothes from herself and got to her feet. It was just past six in the morning and there was no point in trying to sleep, now, what with Grace due to be collected in just a couple of hours.

Lily headed downstairs.

"Ah."

Lily looked up sharply when she heard the voice, just as her foot hit the last step into the kitchen, immediately seeing Severus sitting at the table; exactly where she had left him the night before.

Severus lifted his chin, in greeting; "I had expected that you would find it impossible to sleep and be pacing up and down the house all night."

"You stayed?" Lily frowned, walking towards him; "Why didn't you come up to bed?"

Severus pulled out the chair next to him, leaving his hand on the back of it when she sat down upon it beside him; "You were overwrought. I thought it best to give you some time."

Lily sighed, meeting his eyes and shaking her head; "I'm sorry."

Severus shook his head, brow furrowing; "Lily, you don't have to –"

"No. I do," Lily asserted, so, so glad that Severus had stayed, so that she could say this; "I don't want you thinking that I'm not sure about all of this. I…I was overwrought," she rolled her eyes; "Just as you said."

"What did Lupin say to you?"

"Well if you've been sitting here stewing all night, I think you could have probably already worked it all out."

"Yes. But I should like to hear it all the same."

"That I'm going to lose Harry. That he's going to lose Harry," Lily said, shrugging and looking down; "That it's gone on too long. That we should be married, if that's what we really want. That we're not committed to this."

Lily felt Severus' hand on her shoulder, slipping from where it had been resting on the back of the chair; "What would Lupin know about our commitment to one another?"

Lily released a breath and shook her head, looking away; "I know. I was being stupid."

"No. You weren't. Lupin was overstepping. Interfering where his opinion does not belong. I shall speak with him."

"No, you won't," Lily looked at him, sharply; "I already spoke to him and he's doing as you asked. He's staying away."

"I find that very hard to believe," Severus stated, eyes lifting towards the ceiling; "No doubt Lupin will be sticking his nose into our business from here until the end of time."

"He won't be here," Lily said, knowing that Remus had meant it all, despite what Severus was saying; "He won't be seeing Grace."

Severus eyes lowered at the mention, a flash of guilt; "Do you truly feel that she will mourn that loss?"

"Yes," Lily confessed; "But I told him not to go –" Severus met her eyes; "- and he went, anyway. So, maybe it's better for us all this way. Whatever you thought of him, we can't deny that it wasn't fair to him, not really, for us to ask all of this of him."

"We didn't ask him anything," Severus pointed out; "We told him nothing. Had he not been snooping into our business he would never have learned of it in the first place."

Lily couldn't help the little bubble of laughter; "He wasn't snooping, he came upon us while we were out in the very open!"

Severus shrugged; "I can obliviate him, if it would make it easier for his feeble mind to deal with it."

Lily smiled, shaking her head and lowering her eyes. She drew in a breath, remembering further what Severus had said to her the night before, before she turned in her seat to face him; "That thing you said last night. About me walking away."

Severus' chin lifted ever so slightly, eyes squinting for a second, at the recollection of it as he looked straight back at her; telling her he had meant it. That he still meant it.

Lily shook her head; "I don't want you thinking that that's an option."

Severus said nothing, only looked back at her, entirely pokerfaced.

Lily leaned closer; "It's you and me, alright. I know that we can do this." She felt the thumb of the hand upon her shoulder move in a gentle caress against her skin, but even then, Severus' non-expression barely flickered.

"I don't want you ever thinking that you're alone in this," her voice quiet but no less sincere than if she were to stand and shout it from the rooftops; "I'm with you. Always."

Severus held her look but it took a few moments for his straight-faced expression to soften and, when it did, he released a breath – almost a sigh – and the hand that caressed her shoulder reached up to cup her cheek, another caress, before he took her by the nape of the neck and drew her to him; closed the short distance between them and pressed his lips to hers.

It was soft and sound, an acceptance that he knew that she meant it – and she did, she always had – and he lingered, forehead pressing to hers, when they drew apart.

She smiled at him; a small smile tugging at his lips in turn and then he nodded, drawing back fully, to straighten where he sat.

Lily glanced around the room, her eyes quickly coming upon the owl she had received from Harry, where she had left it next to the sink. She raised her eyebrows, standing and going to retrieve it; "I received a letter from Harry yesterday." She held it up, as she made her way back towards him.

Severus leaned back, nodding, knowingly; "Ah."

"Yes," Lily said, lips twitching; "Apparently he needs my permission for some sort of 'experimental mind magic with Professor Snape', as he so put it."

Severus scoffed; "That boy."

Lily giggled, unfolding it and putting it on the table between them, though Severus didn't bother to reach for it, now that they both knew Harry hadn't been entirely upfront with her in his writing; "What experiments were you planning on carrying out upon my son, Professor Snape?"

Severus met her eyes, looking at her for a moment, and then he glanced away; "He has asked me to use the findings of Orion to help him locate some memories he may have lost regarding his father."

Utter silence filled the room at the explanation.

A pin dropping would sound as if a bomb had went off.

Lily frowned; "And you agreed to that?"

Severus looked at her, giving a shrug; "Only if his mother does. It is highly invasive. You know the procedure."

"More invasive than legilliemency?"

"Legilliemency is necessary when training to occlude. This is not."

Lily drew in a breath; "He's still struggling with it, then? With James? His death?"

"It seems so."

"Do you think this would help him?"

"It would answer some questions. And would provide him with something tangible. Something other than second hand stories and accounts that he may have learned elsewhere."

Lily nodded, slowly, considering his words, before she met his eyes; "And you would do that for him?"

"If you should wish it."

Lily looked back at him, carefully, because she knew exactly what Orion was – it was the first step to Dorado, that had never been completed, in her earlier attempts to revive her late husband – and she knew what Harry was asking of Severus, here, even if Harry didn't; "You know you'll see some things, Severus. It won't just be James and Harry."

Severus met her eyes.

She went on, needlessly, she knew, and stated; "I'll be there."

"I am aware," Severus conceded.

"You won't want to see that."

"Most likely not."

"But you'll do it."

"As I said," Severus was beginning to sound exasperated; "I do have to say, sometimes it is very evident just who that boy's mother is."

Lily gave him a playful slap on the arm and he smiled, raising an eyebrow; "Do we have your consent?"

Lily nodded; "Yes. I'll write him this afternoon."

There was a knock at the door.

A door that only a handful of people in the world ought to be able to see.

Severus was immediately on his guard. With a quick glance at the timepiece – confirming it was far too early for a regular social call – he got to his feet, not going to conceal himself, as he really should, but heading towards the door instead.

"Wait," Lily said and made to stop him, thinking that maybe it would be Julia with Grace, if she had been unsettled through the night.

But Severus didn't stop, going and peering carefully through the smallest of gaps in the blinds of the small window near the outside entrance. Severus drew back, frowningly, and then reached down, pulling the door open, widely, without hesitation.

Regulus was stood on the other side.

He took notice of Severus, quickly, the smile of greeting on his face quickly becoming a frown; "Severus."

Severus raised an eyebrow; "Regulus."

The two of them looked at one another, as if it were the strangest thing in the world for them to encounter one another here – which, really, it was, as they never had before – until Severus stepped aside a few moments later, and Regulus walked into the room.

He shot Lily a smile when he met her eyes; "Morning, Lily."

"Hey," she smiled, getting to her feet; "You're here very early."

"I know, I was hoping to catch you before Grace got home."

Severus frowned, closing the door; "How did you know she wouldn't be here?"

Regulus looked caught. But then he shrugged; "Order meeting."

"Have there been further developments regarding the horcruxes?" Lily asked him, assuming that was the reason for his visit.

"Ah, no," Regulus said, shifting a little and looking uncomfortable; "Actually –" he glanced at Severus, briefly, and Lily realised he really didn't want him to be there, for some reason. Regulus cleared his throat and stepped towards Lily, putting on an air of nonchalance; "I just wanted to ask if you could write down the address to the cottage."

Lily was surprised at the request. He had never asked for her to give up the location before, ever since the Fidelius charms on their respective homes had been enacted. But, obviously, she couldn't refuse, and it was none of her business why he wanted her to, so she nodded; "Of course."

"Why?" Severus was not so reserved, stepping towards Regulus, looking suspicious.

Regulus closed his eyes and shook his head, already looking exasperated, as if he knew what was coming; "Because I need it for someone."

"It is obviously a woman," Severus said, managing to sound both amused and disapproving all at once. Lily fought a smile, suddenly realising where Regulus had learned of Grace's whereabouts the night before.

"I'll get a quill," Lily said, heading from the room.

She could hear Severus and Regulus' bickering voices, even from the living room, while she rummaged through the desk, and by the time she had written down the location for him and returned to the kitchen, both men looked irritated and were rolling their eyes at one another.

Lily held out the folded parchment to Regulus; "Here you go."

Her voice was light and her eyes sparkling, entirely sure she knew who the recipient of the words was to be, but she didn't say so – Regulus obviously wasn't happy about Severus knowing – and she smiled when he uttered a 'thanks', plucked it from her fingers and tucked it into the inside of his robes, patting his chest where it was now placed and shooting Severus a self-satisfied smile.

Severus eyed him, crossly, but said nothing.

Regulus rolled his eyes, chuckling, before giving Lily a smile; "I'll see you next week."

"Bye, Regulus," she said, barely holding back her own chuckles at the exchange, and he left, ignoring Severus' watchful eyes.

Lily allowed herself to laugh, giving Severus a shove, when the door clicked shut behind Regulus; "Leave him be."

"He is being an idiot."

"Oh, I think it's sweet."

"Sweet!" Severus repeated, scoffing; "He is supposed to be laying low. Instead, he flaunts about in the evenings in bars and goodness knows where else, spending the nights with randoms; he is practically begging to be caught. And now he decides it is appropriate to walk around with the written location of his protected hiding place upon his own person? Goodness knows who that little piece of information is intended for but no good could come of it, he is entirely too trusting for his own good."

"He has only ever asked me once," Lily stated, reassuringly; "And isn't it better he is spending time with this person at home, under the protection of the Fidelius, rather than out and about on the streets looking for 'randoms', as you put it?"

Severus drew in a breath, glancing away from her, which was as close as conceding as he would allow, she knew.

Lily smiled, leaning up to give him a kiss; "I need to get ready. I have to collect Grace this morning before Julia's shift."

"Hm. I suppose I had better get back. No doubt Dumbledore will want to discuss the events of last night's meeting."

"Did I miss much?"

"No. Other than the Ministry disappearances, the Dark Lord is almost entirely off the radar and he has not yet summoned me with any request."

"That's good, right?"

"In some ways yes, in others no. Not that I am complaining, of course, for it will not last long. I find the quiet easy to endure in the meantime."

Lily couldn't agree more, the longer Voldemort let Severus be, the better.

"I shall see you at the Foundation next week," Severus said as he leaned down, giving her another – final – kiss, this time of farewell.

Lily nodded, squeezing his hand, briefly, before he turned and left the house.

"Did you know that muggles have a whole profession who's job it is just to put out fires," Malachi said, shaking his head as he continued to read through his Muggle Studies textbook; "That's crazy!"

Ugh.

More muggle talk!

Malachi's previous – and just as boring! – interest in the Statute of Secrecy had suddenly transferred to all-things Muggle, ever since the new term had started.

He was becoming totally obsessed.

Harry shrugged, his Transfiguration assignment far more interesting than further talks about the boring muggle world, and just agreed with him; "Crazy, yeah."

Harry didn't know much about muggles, despite his mother's heritage and, if he were honest, he couldn't care less. Especially if all that Malachi had been telling him about them were true. Their lives sounded so dull in comparison to their own world of magic and what interest Malachi could possibly find in them, Harry didn't know.

Suddenly, owls began to fly into the Great Hall overhead, and Harry spotted Hedwig as one of them, swooping down and depositing the note he had been waiting for.

At least, he hoped it was the one he was waiting for.

Harry unravelled the scroll, quickly, breaking into a smile when he read the contents of the note inside; "Brilliant."

"What's brilliant?" Malachi asked, lowering his book to the table – the Gryffindor table, a rare choice for them but he couldn't be seen reading about Muggles at his own – and looked at Harry, curiously.

"It's from my mum," Harry said, tucking the parchment away to show to Snape at their next lesson – Friday, unfortunately, since Monday's lessons were so early that they came before the first owl post; "I asked Snape about that Orion Project you were telling me about. He's going to help me. Well, he said he would, if my mum agreed to it," Harry wondered if Snape was counting on his mum refusing consent and grinned to himself, as he couldn't help imagining the look of annoyance on the man's face when he found out she hadn't.

Malachi smiled, nodding; "That's great. Looks like he doesn't hate you as much as you think."

Harry grinned, outright at that.

He actually didn't think Snape hated him, anymore; not really. Snape had been closed off, sure, since they had come back after the summer but, then, he had never exactly been warm and fuzzy in the first place. Even with Malachi – as he had always pointed out to him. Snape was just prickly by nature and Harry was getting used to that.

Sometimes, his exasperation was even funny. Though Harry still couldn't quite shake the fright he felt when he remembered how Snape had chopped off that Death Eater's hand – was about to do so with his own! – without a second's hesitation, entirely on Voldemort's orders.

That was still a little jarring.

Nonetheless, Harry had become so used to Snape's prickliness, at this point, that it hadn't felt weird at all when he had asked – or, rather, demanded – that Snape right the wrong he had done by him by letting him see those awful memories of his father, some months before.

Even if Harry had been the one to cast the spell that threw him into the Potion Professor's mind in the first place.

Harry was still troubled by it, by those memories, by that hateful look of his father. Obviously, he had been looking at Snape and not him, but it still chilled Harry, that the man was even capable of such loathing.

It didn't help that everyone from the Gryffindor House to Hufflepuff had all wanted to commiserate with him upon his return to school, for his great loss.

The condolences offered by his well-meaning schoolmates didn't make him feel any better, not at all, and it certainly didn't make him feel comforted. Rather, it just reminded him of the awful truth.

Harry didn't need to be comforted.

Harry still couldn't find the necessary emotions within himself to actually mourn his dad.

The fact had haunted him for weeks – that was obvious, considering how each and every memory Snape pulled up was related to James Potter – and he tried, vainly, to muster up memories of Sirius instead. He tried to remember and focus on the pain he felt when his uncle had died, instead, as if he could excuse his lack of feeling for his father's demise by reliving the utter devastation he had felt in the aftermath of Sirius'.

It didn't help.

All that did was make him miss Sirius.

So much so, that rather than grieving his dad, as he should be - the man who had died just weeks ago – he was just torturing himself wishing for Sirius and reminding himself why his uncle had died in the first place and how he was to blame.

Harry shook his head, pushing the thought aside.

All that, Harry had finally started to let go off, a bit, following his conversation with Snape during one of his first Occlumency lessons.

What a coincidence.

Harry only hoped the man could help him once more and help him finally both see and let go of the ghost of his father.

His lack of feeling for James Potter had been a confusion that he felt he had been plagued with since before he could even remember.

Regulus and Julia were a tangle of limbs, just as they always were whenever they were in one another's company.

Regulus simply couldn't get enough of this woman!

Days and days on end, sometimes, were not enough to satisfy him; he longed for her touch, her kiss, just her very presence, almost instantly when he left her behind to return to the cold, dull reality that awaited him when he was apart from her.

Regulus reached up, drawing aside the tresses that had fallen over her shoulder, exposing the soft, utterly irresistible skin of her neck and he leaned in for a taste, trailing his lips and tongue across the flesh and delighting at the sigh and the shiver she rewarded him with in turn.

Julia's hands tugged at his shirt, bumping up against him where they stood, untucking it from his trousers, and her hands slipped beneath and upwards, a palming across his stomach and up towards his chest that weakened his knees.

Regulus drew back, releasing a long breath and met her eyes.

He had better do this before he lost all sense of himself.

Not to mention the fact that he had promised himself he would not be spending another night upon that godawful mattress!

"I have something for you."

Julia raised an eyebrow, her lips turning up in a smile and she eyed him, up and down, teasingly; "Yeah, you do."

Regulus laughed, drawing back, and reaching into the side pocket of his shirt. He held out the parchment for her to take, and she did. He had really held on to it too long – a full day – and he shouldn't be walking around with such incriminating information on his person. A fact that Severus had been so eager to point out, repeatedly, the day before.

"Hm. Intriguing," Julia turned the piece of parchment over in her hand, looking at him with a smile.

"Nothing all that exciting, really," Regulus stated, making light of the offering; "Just my address, is all."

Julia met his eyes sharply.

Regulus glanced away; "I'm sure you know how I live."

When he looked back at her, she was looking at him, her smile gone and her expression serious, but still as warm as it ever was when she did.

"Yes, I do," Julia confirmed it, glancing down at the parchment but still not opening it. She looked back up at him; "You want me to know where you live?"

"Well," Regulus shrugged, as if it were no big deal, even if he had never handed out this information before; "We really shouldn't be meeting up so publicly, as frequently as we have been doing these past few weeks. And I can't be seen hanging around yours all the time. The last thing we need is someone noticing and thinking you actually mean something to me."

Julia's eyebrows rose; "Ouch!"

Regulus realised his blunder immediately. He gave a nervous laugh, as he averted his eyes and reached up, rubbing the back of his neck. He gave her a sheepish smile; "You…uh…you know what I mean."

Julia was laughing, heartily, and he marvelled at how utterly unoffended she always was, whenever she was faced with his idiocy. His bumbling, clumsy phrasing always taken in such good humour that he wanted to keep her next to him, well, forever.

Her laughter dwindled and nothing further was said for a moment, while Julia looked at the parchment and Regulus glanced around the room, pretending that it really didn't mean anything. Really, really. Not at all.

Julia thought otherwise, waiting until he looked back at her before she spoke, with a sincerity that only came up occasionally between them, their encounters always laced with teasing and lightness.

"This is a big deal," she stated, holding up the parchment between them; "Are you sure you want me knowing this?"

"Yes."

Regulus said it with utter certainty.

Julia got a wide smile, then, and she raised her eyebrows, her teasing tone returning; "Even though I mean nothing to you?"

Regulus snickered, averted his eyes before closing them and shaking his head; "Yes."

He looked back at her, still smiling warmly, and she held his look for a second, before she unfolded it and read the words he had given to her.

Her smile came slowly, and she nodded, meeting his eyes; "Scotland. Of course."

"I believe you know the place?"

"Hm," she nodded, for she had grown up there; "I know exactly where you are, Mr Black."

"You've been?"

"Here?" she held up the parchment and shook her head; "Nope. But I've heard it's beautiful."

"That it is," Regulus said, walking towards her and taking the parchment from her. He flung it up in the air and flicked his wand at it, incinerating it carelessly, before he kissed her, softly, and then drew back, taking her hands in his; "Let me show it to you."

Julia bit her lip and her look was almost coy, and he thought his heart would burst at that little look of adoration that came on the heels of it. She lifted her shoulders; "I'm all yours."

Regulus squeezed her hands in his.

He wished, to every higher force in the universe, that the words could be true.