Chapter Thirty-Nine

"What utter nonsense."

Severus rolled his eyes; even he did not think Harry Potter could be so melodramatic. He could give Grace a run for her money, for sure.

"After keeping him in the dark all this time what could he possibly think?" Lily countered.

Severus just shook his head, not even deigning to give an answer to the question as, surely, the boy had some common sense and could easily figure out the reasons for secrecy regarding all of this by himself.

All it took was a little thinking.

No.

Rather, Severus concerned himself with the more important issue at hand – imminent discovery, by those whose response would have a much more profound impact than overblown, childish tantrums – and peered, carefully, out the small gap in the curtains of his office. Ever aware of the lingering threat within the walls of the Foundation.

Severus had not been surprised that Lily had completely disregarded his warnings – there was no question where Harry's lack of emotional restraint came from – but he was irritated, nonetheless, having just returned from a grilling by the Dark Lord as to the reasons for Harry's current emotional state when he had come across her here.

"We should have told him sooner."

"Sooner?" Severus couldn't not respond to that, turning in the spot that he stood; "If anything, this theatrical display only demonstrates how entirely inept he is at handling such delicate information."

"He feels excluded. He thinks he wasn't part of the family."

"Ah," Severus crossed his arms, nodding; "And so, he wanted us to put the lives of all within said family – including himself – on the line; throw it all away – the only upper hand we have over the Dark Lord – so that Harry could feel included?" Severus scoffed; "That is absurd!"

"Severus –"

Severus flung a hand in the air, making his way back towards his desk, as he spoke, derisively; "Take a leaf out of Lupin's book and throw caution to the wind. Pin our hopes on a wing and a prayer, that the Dark Lord would overlook or, indeed, be merciful, to the fact that I have set up house with that of his most sworn enemy and fathered his sister?"

Lily sighed, walking towards him and looking exasperated by his response; "He's only fourteen –"

"Precisely. A fourteen-year-old boy, and a sheltered one at that, who has no concept of the need for discretion and sacrifice in these times – a time of bloody war, for Merlin's sake – and, as always, he is unable to see past the end of his own nose; not even for the sake of his five-year-old sister."

Severus drew out the chair from behind his desk with a loud scrape and sat down upon it; he had never suffered fools gladly and even becoming a father, himself, had not increased his patience for it. Especially when said foolishness manifested itself in such an asinine manner as Harry's had just done; over-the-top theatrics to the end, just like his Godfather.

"He understands all of that," Lily insisted – to Severus' utter scepticism, as if the boy did, truly, understand the stakes here, he would not be making such a show and dance about it – and went on; "It's the lies, Severus; it's the deception."

"A necessary deception," Severus asserted, unable to believe that Harry's foolish words had actually managed to rattle Lily in this way, after they had turned this over and over again a thousand times for years on end. The boy may be oblivious to the things the Dark Lord was capable of and would do to them, but Lily certainly wasn't. But then, again, no. Harry was not oblivious; he had faced the Dark Lord himself.

"What else would he have had us do?" Severus asked, in a clipped tone, clasping his hands together atop his desk, pointing out the fact that; "His dearest friend is Malachi Black. Harry has seen that life, what it does to him. Is it his wish, then, that we had risked and subjected Grace to such a fate, targeted along with himself, all so that he could be brought into the 'circle of secrecy', to satisfy his curiosity? He is a child and he does not make the decisions, certainly not the hard ones – heaven help us if it ever comes to that – he sits in his dorm room, tilting at windmills and seeing conspiracies where there are none, while the rest of us do so for him – all in the name of his protection – and this is the wrong that he lays at our feet? That he feels excluded? The rest of us should be so lucky to be so excluded from all of this lovely business that is war."

"Severus –"

This was preposterous.

And, despite Severus' assertions that Harry was not ready, he still could not claim to have been entirely prepared for an emotional outburst quite like this. No, indeed. In fact, over the course of the past few weeks, he had been impressed enough by Harry that he had begun to wonder if, perhaps, he was not giving him enough credit.

Perhaps he would surprise him.

But no.

Severus could not help but feel disappointed. Even if he had just been proven right.

"He acts as if we have been living it up; our lives a tale of sugar and roses, while he has been caught up in the safe haven of the Castle walls."

Not brushing shoulders with Death Eaters or longing for his daughter's smiles every damn day or watching people be tortured and killed or carrying out whatever orders Dumbledore or the Dark Lord saw fit.

Hell, it would be easy to do as Lupin had suggested; throw it all away and just hunker down in a bunker and play happy families until the Dark Lord did, and would, eventually track them down and kill them all for his betrayal and Harry's existence.

"What else is he expected to believe, after all Grace has told him about you?" Lily went on, in defence of Harry's ludicrous assertions, "She doesn't know the truth, either, and for her, it was a life of sugar and roses until recently, just as unaware of all the sacrifices as he. How can we expect Harry to just know the truth, when that's all that he's heard and hasn't seen the reality of it?"

"He surely has some powers of deductive reasoning, Lily," Severus wouldn't let his reaching off the hook that easily; "Of all the people who have sacrificed for this war, it is Harry who has both benefited from it the most and has suffered for it the least. Frolicking and constantly looking for trouble within the Castle, entirely ignorant of all the sacrifices, all the unhappiness that everyone – including his younger sister – have had to endure on his behalf. And now, learning this, he has the nerve to turn around and claim that you do not put that boy first," Severus scoffed; "That is outrageous!"

"Obviously not."

"This is absurd," Severus scoffed, shaking his head, still unable to get his mind around all that Lily had told him; "He cannot seriously claim that he has been living in hardship these past seven years? That he has not been part of a warm and loving home, which you have provided; and that his mother has not done everything in her power to ensure that he is safe, protected, from this crapstorm that is about to befall him, when the Dark Lord does manage to penetrate these over-emotional walls and see just what, exactly, has caused such a melodramatic reaction in his enemy's life."

Lily looked stricken; "He's felt it, then? Voldemort?"

"Of course, he has felt it!" Severus rolled his eyes; "Is there a soul within a five-mile radius who hasn't?"

Lily shot him a look; "That's where you were, then? This afternoon."

"Yes, I was summoned, shockingly enough, and it is now the Dark Lord's deepest wish – my newly-issued task – to learn just what could have possibly provoked such an emotional response within the boy."

"Oh God," Lily pressed her hands to her face; clearly on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

"Yes," Severus conceded; and may he have mercy!

Lily dropped her hands, looking both rattled and furious, as if it were he that was to blame for all of it; "If we'd told him sooner, we could have prevented this! He might have been able to think rationally; he wouldn't have taken it so badly –"

"It is precisely because of the way in which Harry learned of it, that will prove vital to our preservation. If we are very lucky, I might add," Severus interrupted her; "It is only because Harry is unable to filter and control his over-the-top emotional response to all of this that the Dark Lord has not managed to get in and see what is going on for himself."

Lily considered the information.

"Oh."

"One of the only benefits, I might add," Severus added, to Lily's glower; "Unfortunately, that means we are now on an ever-decreasing countdown to when the Dark Lord is able to do so; and it is necessary that Harry either gets himself under control enough to prove to us that he is, in fact, capable of treating this information with the delicacy that it deserves or – just as unlikely – that he finally manages to make enough progress in his Occlumency training to keep the Dark Lord at bay."

"And how is he going to do that, Severus?" Lily challenged, eyeing him with an entirely unimpressed look; "Your attitude here isn't much better than Harry's; you're not even trying to see his point of view and if you go in so antagonistically then there's no way he's going to listen to anything that you have to say during these lessons."

"I quite agree; for that reason, the Headmaster is going to be taking over the training from now on."

There was a silence in the wake of his revelation.

Not for long, though.

"What?"

"Please." Severus held up a hand, completely aware of where this was going.

"Severus, you know – you know – how I feel about Dumbledore being involved with Harry."

"Under the circumstances, we have no other option. Harry needs him."

"Dumbledore doesn't care about Harry or what he needs; all he cares about is getting ahead and ending this war."

Severus sighed; "We all want to end this war, Lily."

"I won't have Harry be a pawn in one of Dumbledore's games; no way!"

Severus got to his feet, coming around the desk; "Lily, how many times must we discuss this; Dumbledore is not the enemy. He is our Leader, in all of this, and the only chance that any of us have got. Certainly, his methods may be questionable at times – which you ought to know nothing of, by the way – but that is how it is in a time of war; he cannot be beholden to a single person when he has the faith of thousands upon his shoulders."

"Oh, that is so comforting, Severus," Lily shook her head, glancing away.

"As it so happens, none of what we are discussing with regards to it will even matter, in the end, if he is unable to get Harry's mind back on track to what actually is important in all of this and teach him what he needs to know."

"Severus –"

"Harry does not only know that I am Grace's father; he knows everything. There is no way that I can spin any of this to our advantage, if that becomes apparent to the Dark Lord; no chance. I will be dead on the spot and the three of you will be left entirely vulnerable and what then; will your pride lead you to turn your back on Dumbledore and go it alone?"

Lily looked at him, as incredulous in that moment as he had been throughout the entirety of their earlier discussion about Harry's reaction to all of this.

"Are you seriously talking about what you want me to do when you're dead, Severus?" she asked, furiously, as if it would be something of a choice of his, when it did.

"Yes," Severus conceded, because it was time for them to finally discuss strategy in case of the possibility that it did. He and Regulus, entirely aware of the stakes, had done so, years before – what they would do for one another's families if it came to that; "When it happens –"

"When?"

"If," Severus corrected himself – as ever increasing the likelihood and nearness of the possibility seemed to be getting, he doubted Lily would appreciate the pessimism – and went on, calmly; "If that were to happen; I need to know that you will cast aside these misplaced reservations and trust him. Trust that he will do whatever he can to keep you all safe."

"I don't trust that he will keep us safe."

"Lily –"

"And I don't trust that he's going to do all that he can to help Harry, either," Lily went on, stubborn to the end; "Especially not now; he's vulnerable, Severus, you think Dumbledore won't use this to his advantage?"

"Of course, he wouldn't," Severus denied the possibility; entirely unwilling to believe the Headmaster would be so ruthless with the life of a child.

"God, Severus, you didn't see him; you didn't hear the things he said to me," Lily burst out, finally seeming to lose the grip she had been holding over herself since his arrival; "You're acting like this was just some typical teenage tantrum, but it wasn't, alright? I've lost him to all of this and for what? Voldemort, he's going to come after us, anyway! And here you are talking about your impending death as if it's bloody inevitable!"

"That is not what I'm saying," Severus sighed; "The situation is not entirely hopeless. Not if Dumbledore can prevent it. And you have not lost Harry –"

"He's never going to forgive me for this."

"You're his mother. Of course, he will."

"Not this time; it's too much, it's too far."

"Lily –"

"You're right, Severus. I'm his mother, I should have done more for him. I should have protected him –"

Severus took her hands in his, stepping in closer, so that she was forced to meet his eyes and hear him; because he wasn't going to let her spiral, this way, and blame herself for all of this when the circumstances had meant there could not, possibly, have been any other way for them to do this.

"Everything you have done for the past seven years – even before that – has been to protect your son. Your son and your daughter; he seems to forget he is not the only one you needed to be concerned with in this matter. Nonetheless, you have done exactly that, along with providing them both with a warm and loving home – a family, do not let Harry's childish declarations convince you otherwise – and the very fact that Harry is so able to take all of that for granted, only goes to show how well you have done so."

Indeed, if Severus had dared to speak to his own parents with such disrespect, his father would have had him knocked out from here until Sunday!

Lily drew in a breath, the words seeming to get through to her – thank Merlin.

"That he has had no inclining or understanding of all that you have gone through to ensure all of that is a blemish on his character, not yours, and, as assured as he may be of his convictions now, he will eventually grow up – as foreign as that concept may seem – and wake up to the reality of all of this."

Lily glowered at him, obviously not pleased by his scathing account of her son. But, really, how else could Severus possibly see the boy after all of this other than an ungrateful, overly-entitled fool – Black's influence, no doubt – so sheltered and spoiled that he is unwilling to even attempt to see how difficult the situation had been for his mother, so much so that he would throw everything she had ever done for him back in her face.

Severus made a mental note to ensure that his sister – who, of course, would be just as assured of her parents love and protection – would not grow up to be such an entitled brat if and when they failed to live up to her idealised expectations of them, also.

"We should have found another way," Lily finally said.

Severus shook his head, squeezing her hands; "There was no other way. Not after Grace."

And Severus would change their last moment decision to bring her into this world for nothing; for no one.

"I should have –"

"You take too much upon yourself," Severus said, before she could continue to beat herself down about all of this; "It was I, from whom Harry learned of all of this, somehow. I allowed him to get too close. I allowed Grace to get too close."

He could never have them. Lily, she could understand it; she could choose it. But those children. He could never be the father that Grace – that Harry – deserved. Not while all of this was going on.

And maybe that was the point. Maybe that was the essence of it all, even if Harry didn't realise that was what he was saying.

That it didn't matter, really, all that was being done to and for him in all of this. Because, at the end of the day, it was war, but he and Lily couldn't seriously expect those children to sacrifice any and all that they deserved for it; they were children.

And they deserved far, far more than Severus could ever give them, while he was a part of it.

Severus shook his head; "If we had just stuck to the plan from the beginning – if I had just stuck to the plan, from the beginning – and stayed away, when Grace's awareness made it too dangerous, then we would not be in this situation. Harry claims that he is the one who could not be part of the family; but you and I both know that is not true. Whatever he says or believes, it wasn't Harry that shouldn't have been there."

Lily closed her eyes, chin lowering at his assertion.

Severus released one of the hands he held, reaching up to caress the side of her hair, and she, crumbled, then, stepping in further and he held her close, as the reality of all of this – every good and bad, and wrong and right decision – came down upon them, then and there; because, he had to admit it.

It was a necessary deception, yes.

But neither a right one; nor a wrong one.

It just was.

And, now, there was nothing that anyone of them could do, but live with it. And everything else that followed as it all began to unravel.

Regulus could do nothing but stare.

Severus tapped his index finger on the desk, only meeting Regulus' look evenly, as he finished up relaying everything that was currently going on with Harry – and Grace and Lily– to him, the truth of Severus' family life finally laid bare, after years of almost-silence between them on the matter.

Severus was quite certain that Regulus was aware of most of it – he had a brain, after all, and the power of deductive reasoning, as he had just been marvelling at Harry's lack of, during his conversation with Lily – it would not have taken much for him to have figured it all out.

Still, even then, Regulus looked startled at all that Severus had said – and what it could now mean – as they finished up reasserting one another's earlier promises that – if it should come to it – neither had to worry about their families, their children, if the other should fall.

While Regulus had always been entirely certain that he would be the first to go – "I'll save a nice spot in Hell for us both, Severus, don't you worry" he had once joked – Severus couldn't quite shake the feeling that, actually, he was really just living on borrowed time, himself, at the moment. There had been far too many near misses, these past few months, for him to be at all certain that it wouldn't take just one more slip and that would be it.

Regulus finally just nodded and, with one finger, slid the untouched glass of firewhiskey in front of him in Severus' direction.

Severus down it in a single gulp.

"Well. That certainly is a pickle," Regulus said, clearing his throat and looking at an utter loss as to what to say. He lifted a letter from the corner of his desk, and Severus quickly recognised the handwriting of his Godson upon the front of it; "I did wonder at Malachi's request."

Severus raised an eyebrow, curiously.

Regulus held it up; "It seems Harry would like to spend the holidays with us in Scotland this year."

Severus rolled his eyes.

Of course, the dramatics go on.

Regulus nodded, unfolding it and reading from the note; "Apparently, Harry has developed quite the interest in fishing these days –"

Severus reacted, immediately, to the assertion – the obvious nod to the memory with James Potter – and Regulus met his eyes, curiously, but didn't press the matter.

"- and would like to see the village," Regulus shrugged; "He is welcome, of course. Not that there is much opportunity for fishing going on in the month of December. But I would have thought Lily would want him home."

Severus gave a wry smile; "And so she shall."

"As I thought."

Then again, perhaps the opportunity of spending the holidays with Regulus and Malachi would do Harry the world of good. His time at home would be nothing but doom and gloom, in light of all these recent revelations, and some time with the Blacks – and whatever entertainment Regulus was sure to have planned out for himself and his son that holiday season – would most likely alleviate that weight, or at least allow Harry the chance to forget about it all for a while.

And the less Harry was thinking about all of this, the better, as his grief began to subside, and his mind became vulnerable to any attempts by the Dark Lord to penetrate it. He was far less likely to be dwelling or, indeed, even talking about it at all at the Blacks, than at the Potters.

Not to mention the fact that the alternatives – either home or Hogwarts – would only leave Harry feeling as if he were being cornered on all sides, whether he was at home with his mother, or at the Castle where he and Lupin would be spending the holidays.

All the great betrayers in this big mess, according to the boy's perception of it.

A neutral party, such a Regulus, just might bring the boy back to his senses.

"Go ahead and offer the permissions, if you are truly willing, though I doubt his mother would allow it," Severus said, with a shrug; "With any luck a fortnight causing havoc with you will get it out of his system and put end to these theatrics."

Regulus grinned and gave a conceding tilt of the head; "I'll certainly do my best."

"Have there been any further developments on the investigation into the Foundation?"

Regulus' shook his head, his expression darkening, somewhat; "No. But I suppose we can take comfort in the fact there have been no further attacks."

"Indeed."

"Not that it brings back those who were lost," Regulus stated, tone heavy with guilt; "I had intended on cancelling the Gala next month, out of respect, but Heart and Littlewood thought that Felix would be far more appreciative of turning it into a celebratory memorial; I am inclined to agree."

Severus' lips twitched, and he lifted his eyebrows; "We all know Butterman."

Knew.

We all knew Butterman, Severus reminded himself, thinking back on the friendly co-worker – and friend – who had worked alongside them both for years. Another casualty. Another loss.

One of many more still to come.

"I'll have a word with Lily then," Regulus said, folding the letter back up; "See if I can convince her to lend me her son for the holidays."

Severus smirked; "I do not know which circumstance you will be requiring more luck for."

Regulus only laughed and shrugged.