Chapter Two
Jackson feels that it's wrong to feel anything akin to happiness. There is no way someone can be any semblance of a moral human being and allow oneself to feel happiness at a time like this. But here he is, with the man he loves in his arms, the man he had been resigned to never seeing again. Nathan Miller is alive and safe, and warming Jackson's heart and bed.
Jackson wasn't sure if Miller would be able to sleep, but once both men kicked off their shoes and hit the bed, arms around each other, Miller actually dropped off first. It makes sense, Jackson thinks. Poor guy probably hasn't slept since he woke up from the gas.
Miller does awaken at some point and use the bathroom, including his allotted three-minute shower. Jackson is wide awake when Miller emerges from the bathroom.
"I needed that," Miller says, drying himself off with the towel. He smiles. "Was gonna ask you if I woke you but…you always wake up when you're needed."
Jackson nods. And he takes note of everything, as he always does – including Miller's comment about Jackson being needed. "I do," Jackson says, sitting up. "I'm here for you. Do you want to talk?"
"I can't," Miller answers. "Not just now, I really can't." He takes a breath. "It's just that….how'd they decide to put Major Costa on their list and not my dad? Costa outranks him but my dad's always been so loyal. He's just as qualified as Costa to run the guard." He pauses and swallows. "Was."
Despite his words from a few seconds ago, Miller apparently very much needs to talk. And so he does. Jackson provides a gentle, sympathetic ear. From what Jackson has overheard, Sergeant David Miller lost the spot to Costa due to, yes, Costa's rank as well as Costa being a bit younger and in a bit better health. But right now Jackson correctly guesses that Miller doesn't need to hear that. Instead he needs to get it out, to talk it through, to rage at the world and at fate. So Jackson lets him do so. When Miller is done, they resume their position on the bed together, arms around each other, until it's time for Jackson to shower and the duo to head to breakfast.
Two meals a day are provided on the Ark. A morning meal served at 1000 hours and a late afternoon meal at 1700 hours. Meals are tightly controlled and monitored. Meal plans come in four different calorie counts: adult females receive the fewest calories, adult males the second fewest, and children under 16 the third fewest. Pregnant and lactating females receive the most calories, although the Ark doesn't have any in that category right now.
The first morning meal after the removal of the 358 is a somber occasion. Those assigned to breakfast duty finish up their meal preparations, all under the watchful eyes of guards. Not one morsel of food can be wasted, and none of the prep team can pocket even one slice of dried apple. The mess hall doors are then opened, and the Ark's inhabitants file inside.
Nathan Miller is at Jackson's side as they line up. Too much has happened during the past 24 hours and Miller knows he can't process it, though he believes the food will help. He just knows he needs to be grateful for the fact that he's alive. He has a boyfriend in Jackson, and people he cares about in Bellamy, Clarke, Octavia, and Raven. Kane, too, as a sort of uncle-figure. Miller needs to leave it at that and stop thinking about his final, desperate hug with his father. About how his father is still out there, probably violently ill from the radiation by now. Miller wishes the deathwave would just get here or his father would lose his stubborn streak and just take the poison. He thinks again. Perhaps Sergeant Miller's talk of waiting for a miracle was just talk for his son to hear, and perhaps he put himself out of the pain the moment Nathan left the stockade. Miller takes a breath and forces himself to leave it at that.
He reaches the front of the line now, and his tray is handed to him. He follows Jackson to a seat.
Guess I'm in the big leagues now, Miller thinks for a wry moment. Sitting at the table with three chancellors. Jackson has always taken meals with Abby when they both are both free. Kane and Clarke sit with Abby as well, which only makes sense, Miller thinks. And Miller goes on to note that wherever Clarke is, Bellamy, Octavia, and Raven naturally follow. Miller represses a smirk as Jaha joins their table too. Jaha is exactly no one's favorite person, but it's logical that he'd sit with his fellow former chancellor and the current one. I hope we don't have to listen to Jaha expound on this or that during every meal though, Miller thinks. Miller starts to dig into his food.
"What in hell is he doing here?"
Kara Cooper's furious words ring out, and Miller realizes instantly that they are directed at him. He sees Kane and Jaha exchange a look. Apparently no announcement was made as to who would receive the extra two spots.
Kane stands and faces Kara, his hands out in a placating manner. "Kara. These are agonizing times for all—"
"My husband is out there in that stockade!" Kara bellows. "He-he's just nine or ten years older than Miller. And unlike Miller, he knows almost as much about the hydrofarm as I do! And we can have a child. Why in the hell did you pick Nathan Miller instead?!"
"Kara. I need you to calm down."
Although Miller's not on guard duty right now, he's relieved to see two guards immediately approach Kara. She looks like she's ready to throttle either Kane or Miller or both. And, hell, Miller can't blame her. As Kane said, these are times filled with terrible decisions. He doesn't suspect the fact that Miller's father is out there alongside Kara's husband will help placate Kara.
"Cooper," one of the guards says. "Calm down. We don't want to have to place you in the brig."
"Calm down?" she echoes. "I demand an answer! I demand a measure of logic from our leaders!"
The younger guard hits Kara with a taser, and Kara falls to the ground. Miller thinks the guard moved too fast and should have tried one more de-escalation tactic, but he has to admit that what he did was effective.
"Bring Ms. Cooper to her quarters," Kane orders. He adds, softly, "Bring her breakfast rations with too."
Unnerved, Miller takes a breath. Jackson places a reassuring hand on his thigh. Miller wonders whether Kara will pose an ongoing problem for him. And we're trapped here with her for the next five years.
Bellamy periodically glances at Octavia. "You need to eat, O," he says gently. He looks down at her plate of oatmeal and dried apple slices. She's hardly touched it.
"I'm working on it," she replies. "Look around, brother. It's like a funeral in here. No one's eating much."
He can't argue with that. His conversation with Clarke this morning broke what was left of his heart. Clarke's right, he reminds himself. Life's just too painful. What did Lexa once tell Clarke? Love is weakness. She was clearly right.
Clarke sure thinks it.
Bellamy puts those thoughts out of his mind and nods at Octavia's comment. "How's-how's your new room?" He then adds, "Our old room," alluding to the fact that the Blakes used to share it.
"Fine," she says. "It was good to get out of the other one. Too many memories. Of him."
When Bellamy opens his mouth, Octavia just gives him a look. "I don't want to talk about it," she says harshly. She then pauses and seems to soften. "Sorry. We're all going through so much shit."
"Yeah."
"Every grounder on the planet is going to die – if the radiation hasn't already gotten them. They were always more of my family than Skaikru."
Bellamy listens to Octavia's words. They come out sounding more factual than bitter. He can't fault her for not seeing herself as one of Skaikru, and he's not in the mood to argue with her or remind her that she was given one of Skaikru's coveted spots here.
As he thinks of what Octavia has just said, he glances at Clarke. Maybe, Bellamy thinks, Clarke wants someone who could have found a way to prevent this. To protect everyone, not just 100 people. Maybe if I'd been that person, she would have wanted me. If I'd somehow found a way to prevent this, to save everyone.
Bellamy glances out the window. The wind, rain, and other havoc all seem to be increasing rapidly. Even within the last ten minutes, they have really picked up. Raven mentioned to the group that the deathwave will be here very soon, and it's clear that it's on its way. Right now. Kane is standing up and saying a few words as chancellor. Bellamy only gives it half a listen. It's not bad, the parts Bellamy absorbs. Kane's not trying to say anything too inspiring or give a pep talk – no one's in the mood for that – but he is reminding them that they faced terrible choices to get here and that now everyone needs to live and go about their days. "We are the last of the human race," he is saying. "We will move forward as a united group." He adds that with the deathwave almost here, they will hold a memorial soon, "for those who we lost."
"Which is literally everyone but the people in this room," Raven mutters under her breath, so low that Bellamy thinks he might be the only person who hears it.
When Kane's speech is over, people begin to set about starting or resuming their chores for the day. As one of the leaders, Bellamy will join Clarke, Kane, Abby, and Jaha for a daily post-breakfast meeting. He knows it won't be easy, seeing the woman he loves at every meal and at a daily meeting.
Loved, he corrects himself. Past tense. She told you it's not going to happen, so you need to move on. Stop looking at her the way you do. Shut it all off like a faucet.
Bellamy looks at Octavia again. She's picking up her tray, which still contains half her meal. "Bringing it to my room," she says. "Maybe I'll get an appetite later on today."
He nods. He notices that she's not the only one doing so – plenty of people are too shocked, horrified, and sickened to eat.
Niylah still, really and truly, can't believe her luck.
"Just get that look off your face and eat," Octavia says. They are sitting inside Octavia's room, Octavia on the bed, Niylah on the chair by the desk. The rooms are soundproofed well enough that they can speak at a normal volume – as long as they refrain from yelling or singing, even someone standing right outside won't hear them.
"Thank you," Niylah says. She slowly starts to eat the remaining half of Octavia's meal. "I'll need to thank you each day for the next five years."
"Please don't. That will get really, really old," Octavia says, with her arms crossed.
"Will people notice sooner or later though….that you're losing weight?" Niylah asks. She can tell that Octavia doesn't exactly want her to throw herself at her feet with gratitude, so she tries to keep her tone even as she asks the question.
Octavia shrugs. "I only ever got half-rations for sixteen years anyway. And Indra always said I was all muscle."
Octavia takes a deep breath, and Niylah can easily read the look on her face. The loss of Indra has to be brutal for Octavia, especially considering that she's still dealing with Lincoln's murder. "All of Trikru respected and admired her," Niylah says. "She-"
Octavia waves a hand. "Can't talk about Indra right now," she says flatly. She shakes her head. "I wish it was Trikru who found a way to survive and not Skaikru. They were always my real people."
There's not much to say to that, so Niylah remains quiet as she eats. After some time, Octavia cracks a smile.
"What?" Niylah asks softly, with a smile of her own.
"Was just thinking what I'll do if Bellamy or someone knocks on my door when you're up here," Octavia says, tilting her head back. "I think I'll just say 'Go away, I'm masturbating!'"
With that, both women can't help but to laugh. "How many times is that going to work though?" Niylah asks, in between laughs.
"As many times as it needs to."
When Niylah is finished eating, she showers. She and Octavia have agreed to a system. Since each Skaikru is allowed one shower per day, the two of them will alternate who gets to bathe. As Octavia has said to her, 'I can shower every other day. I don't stink that bad.' They also decided that another thing they could do is run the shower for three minutes and fill buckets with water so they both could take sponge baths each day, if they want. As for clean clothing, that is one thing the Ark has in abundance – especially since 2,200 people used to live on the Ark. They took the spoils from Mount Weather too. Many ghosts walk the halls.
When Niylah emerges from the shower, wrapped in a towel, she hears something. It's not voices or people. It's coming from outside. She exits the bathroom and enters the room's main area. Octavia is looking out the window.
"It's here," Octavia says flatly. "Praimfaya."
Niylah stands silently at the window, shoulder to shoulder with Octavia. She's known for months that it was coming and that there was no way to save her people. Despite having a stomach that no longer growls and despite feeling refreshed from the shower, Niylah can only describe herself as numb again right now.
She forces herself to take a breath. This is it. The green forests she used to ride through. The lakes she used to swim in. The wildflowers she used to collect. All the hidden treasures that used to adorn the forest, the wild mushrooms she'd go picking with her dad for fun. All gone. Niylah turns to glance at Octavia.
"This has to be even worse for you," Niylah murmurs. "You only got to enjoy it for a few months. Earth."
Octavia snorts, "I don't know if I'd use the word 'enjoy' since I spent half the time trying to not get killed." She then adds. "But yeah. It was beautiful."
Niylah again looks at Octavia. She wants to hug her, to offer some comfort or…something. But as she looks out the window, Octavia's eyes are a little too distant and hard. Niylah steps away and begins to get dressed.
With med bay empty of patients, Jackson does what he likes to do when he can: read the journals and the studies. The Ark's tablets, along with more than a few old paper books, contain a wealth of medical and scientific studies. Jackson feels there is always more that he can learn and absorb. Yesterday he couldn't concentrate – he could barely think. Today, with Miller miraculously saved, his brain is in a much better place.
When they first leave the mess hall, Abby walks with Jackson for a bit. She has to head to a leadership meeting soon, but she wants a few minutes with him.
"I just need to check on you," she says, placing a hand on his back as they walk. "With Miller here, we've decided – as you can see – that you don't need a guard on you anymore. But as your physician, I need to check. Is it…safe to say you are no longer at risk of self-harm?"
"Yes."
Jackson doesn't regret what he did in the least. He doesn't know if his actions bumped Miller up on the list or not, doesn't know if they influenced Kane during his discussions with Clarke – and right now he doesn't care. In fact, it feels almost exhilarating, the fact that he asserted his wants even if it was in a fit of utter desperation.
"That's what I thought." Abby pats his arm and heads off for her meeting.
When Jackson sits down to read a journal, he is thoroughly absorbed in it. But he can't miss what he sees through the window, out of the corner of his eye. It's here. The deathwave.
And a second later, Nathan Miller is here too. "I'm on duty," Miller says quietly as he enters med bay. "But I just happened to pass by here."
They stand silently by the window, holding hands and watching it. There is nothing much to be said right now. If there had been any chance that David Miller was still alive, he's gone now as the death wave rattles the Ark and exterminates all living things. Jackson's stomach clenches. But he has the warmth of Miller's hand in his, the security of having this man by his side.
"We always knew – or suspected – we were hanging by a thread on the Ark when it was in space," Jackson murmurs. "And now here we are. Probably the last of humanity."
"Do you think there could be any survivors? Anywhere?" Miller asks. "Like, in an underground bunker? Clarke and – what was his name? – Finn found a bunker back when we first landed. But it didn't have any food."
"It would need a hydrofarm. And air scrubbers. It would have to be as well-equipped as Mount Weather."
"Yeah."
"Hey…speaking of our hydrofarm," Jackson begins. "Kara Cooper this morning…."
Miller shakes his head. "I'm not worried about her. She's angry. That's fine. Everyone here is angry or sad."
Jackson nods and continues to hold Miller's hand tightly. The world outside burns.
Bellamy stands at the table. Clarke, Kane, Jaha, and Abby are there as well. The conference room windows show them clearly what's happening, and the deathwave starts to rock the Ark.
"Do we need to check on anything from an engineering perspective?" Kane asks quietly. The conference room is bathed in eerie, ugly orange light from the deathwave.
"Raven and I have gone over everything countless times," Jaha answers, glancing down at his tablet. "This…rocking is normal. In fact it's a bit less intense than we expected."
Bellamy observes them talking about engineering. Clarke and Raven have shared some of the discussions that have already taken place. Jaha has apparently been told, more than once, that Raven works best with minimal oversight and that he needs to ensure he doesn't breathe down her neck. Bellamy hopes – both for Raven's sake and Jaha's – that Jaha follows that directive. Raven has already said she'd trade 100 Jahas for one Sinclair, and Bellamy has to bite his lip when he think of the look on her face as she said it.
Another wave rocks the Ark. Bellamy puts his arms around himself, giving himself a hug. He glances at Clarke. Abby has a hand on her back. Bellamy wishes he could hug Clarke or put a hand on her back or something. Her facial expression is stoic. Bellamy takes another breath and reminds himself once more that what Clarke said is best. Even a friendship right now is an emotional burden and an emotional risk. There just is no room inside their hearts. Clarke is wise and she is right. That needs to be the end of it, Bellamy reminds himself.
The meeting progresses. Jaha says he will check in with engineering right after this, but according to every reading on his tablet, the Ark is in a good place right now. The deathwave seems to be passing over and moving on now.
And the group has other items to cover. They discuss the people who aren't guards, medics, engineers or farmers – the ones who got their spots largely due to their age. The leaders decide that each of them will be given a few choices about which profession they wish to learn – and then will start learning them. And everyone, no matter their profession or age, will continue to take shifts in areas such as food preparation and cleaning. The leaders agree that it's important that they themselves continue to be seen doing janitorial and cooking work so the people know that they don't consider themselves to be 'above' menial labor.
A man named Randall serves as head teacher. He has said that he could use some assistance in the classroom.
"I'd like to help with that," Bellamy says. "I'd love to teach." He looks at Kane. "And you and Costa have enough guards – you don't need me on the guard full-time, do you?"
"No," Kane says. "So that works for me, if you want Randall to mentor you as another teacher."
Bellamy nods. He catches a glimpse of Clarke out of the corner of his eye. She looks….pleased, he thinks. He again tries to brush her out of his mind. He can't be constantly thinking about her.
Even though that is exactly what he does. What he has always done since the day they first landed on this wretched planet.
Discussion turns to the hydrofarm and Kara Cooper. "I recommend we leave her in her quarters until tomorrow morning," Abby says. "She needs to cool down. We'll bring dinner to her room at 1700 hours, of course."
Clarke nods. "I just spoke to Ben. He knows the hydrofarm almost as well as Kara. He can keep it under control." She pauses. "It will be good to start training others on it too, in case Kara is this difficult in the long-term. And in case something happens to Ben." She then adds, "Monty left notes about starting an algae farm. They're pretty detailed. I'd like Ben to start looking into that as well. It would be good to have a back-up."
The meeting winds down. Bellamy can't help but to take one more glance at Clarke as the group dissolves. She's glancing at him too, but he quickly looks away.
The day continues on and then dinnertime approaches. The group reassembles in the mess hall at 1700 hours to eat. Clarke had suggested that they do a daily movie night, and it's decided that movie night will take place after dinner. Most everyone has seen all of the movies on the Ark repeatedly, but that doesn't matter so much. It has been a brutal, terrible day even for a group of people who have all suffered multiple losses before. The movie is a welcome distraction. The computer is set up, windows are closed, and chairs are turned to face the wall.
"It was a weird experience. I've never seen any of the movies. But Bellamy described each and every one to me." Octavia pauses. "He did a good job. I knew exactly what was going to happen."
Octavia is now doing what Bellamy used to do for her. She's sitting with Niylah, describing the evening's movie in full detail.
"You never saw any of them? Not even after the Mountain was freed?" Niylah asks. She remembers that Skaikru had a few months of peace after the Mountain, before they foolishly decided to elect Pike.
"Never did," Octavia says. "Lincoln and I spent our time outdoors, riding horses, training, that sort of thing. And, well, having sex," she adds, with a small laugh. "Movies weren't high on our list."
When Octavia is done giving the full recap of the movie, Niylah asks her about the rest of her day. Octavia goes on to describe it in detail. She remembers how hearing about Bellamy's day used to be one of the things she absolutely lived for during her years under the floor. (Her mother never had too much to say about her day, and from a young age Octavia could clearly see that Aurora wasn't happy and didn't do too much that she was proud of. It was Bellamy who had the good stories at the end of the day, Bellamy who took the time to make his life sound interesting).
Octavia tells Niylah about spending a few hours doing combat drills after breakfast. "I gotta go easy on them," she says. "I can take any of them out in a second or two."
"You should be running that guard, not Costa," Niylah comments.
Octavia ignores the comment. She goes on to say how she sat through some sort of presentation in the hydrofarm, led by the farmer Ben. He led a small group as they reviewed some notes from Monty and began plans to build an algae farm. Niylah continues to hang on her every word with rapt attention, so Octavia again doesn't spare any details. Niylah shares that she's eaten algae before, having traded for it. "It needs oil and salt – and to be dried - in order to be….palatable," Niylah adds. "Otherwise it's just slimy and gross. I wouldn't eat it without oil and salt unless I was truly, truly desperate."
After they've been talking for hours, both women start to feel the fatigue and agree to call it a day. Just to be safe, they agree that Niylah will sleep "in the hiding hole" rather than the main room.
Just as Octavia finishes replacing the floor component, there's a knock on her door.
"Who is it?" she calls out by the door. She has no intention of opening it even though Niylah's hiding place is secure now.
"Just me," Bellamy says. "Just wanted to wish you goodnight."
"Yeah. You too, big brother," Octavia says through the door.
She hopes he doesn't make this a daily habit. She wants Niylah to be able to be out of the hole as often as possible. There's enough room down there to stretch and do some exercises, but Niylah also needs to do things like walk, even if it's just pacing around the room.
Octavia knows this all too well.
Bellamy leaves Octavia's room – or more accurately, the hallway outside her room – and walks towards his own. He walks several paces and, so far, only passes one person on the way. No surprise there, he thinks. This is the lowest number of people to ever live inside the Ark, and he should get used to seeing most corridors empty.
He comes upon one of the large windows with the attached window seat. He and Clarke sat on one…how many hours ago? He had been about to share his feelings for her before they got interrupted. They'd talked about how these window seats were some of the only peaceful places on the Ark. Bellamy's not sure how peaceful he will view them as ever again.
No. Clarke was right. We have to shut our hearts off and just exist now. Anything else means heartbreak.
I just have to figure out how to see her at every meal, sit in a daily meeting with her, train with her, and sit near her at a daily movie while keeping my heart numb.
Bellamy reminds himself that he had a good session with Randall the teacher today. Although he, of course, continued to think of his love for Clarke, he mostly was able to focus on his teacher training. He sat in during most of the kids' lessons and concentrated best he could, observing Randall. The thought of someday co-teaching or even having his own classroom gives him something to look forward to.
So that's what I need, Bellamy thinks. Good distractions like that. Other things to think about.
"Goodnight, Bellamy."
Bellamy is startled. He sees Bree walking up to him, smiling. Her gait is slow, and eyes seem to gleam a bit.
"Bree. Uh, yes. Goodnight."
"See you in the morning," Bree adds, with another enticing smile. Bellamy watches her saunter away.
TBC!
Author's Note: I'm sorry that this chapter is a lot shorter than Chapter One. Chapter One was long because I wanted to set the stage, but I expect that future chapters will be more like the length of this one. Hope you enjoyed this chapter!