Chapter Three

The next morning, Jackson resumes doing what he'd been doing the evening before: talking with Miller about the movie.

"Now come on, Jacks. The movie wasn't that good," Miller laughs.

"I guess not," Jackson admits. "It's just that I'd never seen it before."

"Wait, what? I thought every person who lived on the Ark saw every movie. More than once. I know I sure have," Miller adds, wryly.

Jackson smiles and tilts his head. "From the time I was thirteen, I spent most of my days training with Abby. She pulled me out of all of my classes except math and science, and the rest of my waking hours were in med bay. I didn't do a whole lot of….fun things."

Miller sobers up and looks as if he's about to apologize, so Jackson quickly adds, "No, no, I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for me! Just wanted to explain why the movie…drew me in so much. It was only because I'm not used to watching anything on screens except….videos of how to perform surgeries."

"I get it, I totally get it," Miller says. He then turns towards Jackson and places a hand on his thigh. "Just as long as you're not more into that movie than me."

Jackson returns Miller's mischievous facial expression and pulls him closer for a kiss. "Absolutely not."

The first breakfast after Praimfaya goes much as the previous day's breakfast. It's quiet and subdued, and at times one could hear a fork drop. Kara Cooper has been released and her facial expression can only be described as pure vinegar, but she's silent.

"Where are you off to next?" Miller asks Bellamy, once people start clearing out.

"Leadership meeting," Bellamy answers.

"Oh, that's right. Every morning after breakfast. Hey…you wanna just talk sometime?" Miller asks. "I'm off duty till the evening."

"Sure. I'll come find you after the meeting. I can take a break before I go observe Randall in the classroom."

"I'll probably be in the library. Or the gym – getting my ass kicked by your sister."

They laugh at that and, indeed, a few hours later Bellamy does seek out Miller. He's in the library, as expected.

As Bellamy walks up to them, he reflects for a bit. He and Miller have always been close, since the dropship landed. Then The List happened, the list which haunted him since the day they were forced to create it and still haunts him today. Bellamy had registered that Miller wasn't on it, just as Monty, Jasper, Harper, and Murphy weren't on it either. The only way Bellamy could make it through each day was by reminding himself that Octavia and Clarke were on the list, taking comfort in that fact and trying to block all others.

So now it's almost weird that Miller is here. Bellamy feels a mix of relief and happiness that Miller's alive, but it's overwhelmed by shame over the fact that he'd been about to die. Strange times and strange combinations of emotions.

He wishes he knew why Miller approached him earlier, but whatever the case, he's not going to ignore it. If Miller is angry over the fact that he originally wasn't on the list, that's fine, Bellamy tells himself. Now that Miller is here, Bellamy wants this friendship to work, even if it means letting Miller unleash some fury.

So Bellamy braces himself, these thoughts circulating through his head, as he approaches Miller in the library.

"Hey," Bellamy says.

"Hey," Miller returns the greeting, setting down the tablet he was reading.

Bellamy breathes a sigh of relief. If Miller is angry, he sure doesn't look it. In fact, he looks much the same as he always does. Bellamy sits down next to Miller. The library right now, just as most of the Ark, is practically deserted. A few others are around but out of earshot.

They chat for a bit, Bellamy asking Miller what he's reading. Miller doesn't have a lot of interest in ancient mythology despite Bellamy's attempts to get him to check it out. Instead he's reading an anthology of ghost stories, which Bellamy can't believe survived the first apocalypse.

"Just wanted to see how you're doing," Miller says. "I was gonna say you looked a bit…off." He then adds, a harrowed look on his face combined with a hint of his trademark sarcasm, "But everyone's a bit off, what with the whole human race having just been destroyed and all that."

Bellamy looks down and forces a smile at Miller's humor. "Yeah," he admits. "But, uh, look….how are you? Do we need to talk about…?"

"The stockade? My dad? The whole everybody-getting-gassed incident? No. Not now anyway," Miller says. "There weren't any good choices. And I don't envy you guys - you couldn't give me enough food or booze to be one of Skaikru's leaders. Let's leave it at that."

"Thank you," Bellamy says. He guesses his features make his relief clear. He wasn't exactly expecting Miller to start yelling at him or crying, but he's relieved at Miller's words nonetheless.

"I-it's you I was worried about. You look kinda out of sorts." Miller's voice carries a sincerity and gentleness that Bellamy has seen glimpses of before from Miller, but not often.

Bellamy looks down and takes a breath. "I guess…same as you. A lot happened. A lot to deal with. So it's hard."

"Yeah. But you and Clarke. You two used to always look so….I don't know, on the same page. But at every meal since yesterday morning? I dunno, it was like you were each trying to not look at each other." He pauses. "I just felt something was off there."

Bellamy is silent for a beat or two. He doesn't talk about his feelings for Clarke, not with anyone. And right now, he just can't. Even Miller's bringing them up right now causes a fresh barrage of pain. She's right, she's right, she's right, Bellamy reminds himself. We can't feel now. Clarke said what she said and did what she did for a reason. We can't open ourselves up like that.

"It's….complicated," Bellamy admits. "But Clarke and I are friends, same as always." He thinks this is the best place to leave it at. "I'm okay," he adds, forcing out a smile.

"Okay. Just wanted to be sure." He looks away for a second and adds, "I'm here if you ever need to talk."

"Thanks. And hey….you and Jackson. Glad to see you two doing good." Bellamy is glad to change the topic.

Miller smiles expansively at the mention of Jackson. "This is a very weird time to start a relationship. But…it feels right. I'm all in. Not just because I don't have too many options," he says with a laugh. He then resumes looking more serious as he adds, "I really have feelings for the guy."

"Good. He's lucky to have you." Bellamy remembers that Miller's ex Bryan perished a couple months ago in the black rain, after he and Miller had split up. Jackson is certainly quite a bit different than Bryan in everything from temperament to maturity, from what Bellamy can see. But he and Miller seem to just fit. He fleetingly thinks that with Miller having now lost his father, maybe dating an older guy who is more mature works for him from that standpoint too.

When Bellamy gets up to leave the library, he's touched that Miller noticed something was off and reached out. But it also makes it clear that he's doing a terrible job suppressing his feelings. He wonders if the whole of Skaikru knows the real situation.

"So what's the plan for five years from now? Skaikru can just open the doors and walk out? Or can they?"

Niylah asks the question to Octavia. It's a few hours before dinnertime, and Octavia has been assigned to kitchen duty for the dinner meal today. But she still has some free time before she has to get to work. She has completed her daily combat training.

"From what I hear," Octavia begins, "the whole planet's gonna still be a desert wasteland. Like what we see out the window right now. The only difference is that the air should be breathable again."

"So we'll still need the hydrofarm," Niylah says.

Octavia shrugs. "Kara and Ben are working on something that's supposed to regenerate the soil. But it's untested. And even if it works, it doesn't sound like it'll be instant. We'll still be pretty tied to the Ark and its farm."

The two women are quiet for a bit. So even when the five years are over, Niylah can't exactly pop out of her hole, leave the Ark, ride away on a horse and go raise chickens. She will still be dependent on Skaikru – and quite possibly on hiding. Niylah shuts her eyes. She'd been resolved to take all of this one day at a time, since thinking of the future right now only drives one mad.

"Come on," Octavia says, getting to her feet. "Let's practice again. One more round."

"Okay," Niylah says.

They start another combat drill. As long as they are careful not to shout or slam any furniture around, they are able to spar. Niylah knows she needs the movement and the exercise, and she's glad to have a sparring partner.

It just hurts. That's where Bellamy is at right now, on Day Three post-Praimfaya. It just hurts.

He sees Clarke at both meals each day, sitting at the same table no less. He sees Clarke at the daily leadership meeting. He sees Clarke at the movie each evening. And considering that only 100 people live inside this huge Ark, it's odd how he just keeps running into her at other places too. In the library. In the gym. In the hydrofarm. Once she even joins him in observing one of Randall's classes. And to top it off, tomorrow they're scheduled on cleaning duty together!

He is definitely going to ask Miller to switch cleaning shifts with him. At least that last one he has some control over.

You told yourself you were doing fine. That you could just turn your heart off and just accept being Clarke's friend – and friend only. So why can't you do it?

Bellamy wonders if talking with another person would help him a bit. But the problem is that the person he's used to fixing problems with is Clarke herself. This isn't the kind of thing he normally discusses with his sister or with Raven. Kane has been a solid father-figure to him, but Kane is too close to Abby – and Bellamy just can't imagine discussing this with him. Miller did approach him a couple days ago, and Bellamy debates whether or not to tell him everything.

One week after Praimfaya, it's time for the Memorial Service. There has been lots of discussion, both within the small leadership team and within all 100, as to when to hold the service. (And the leadership team of Clarke, Kane, Jaha, Abby, and Bellamy has been officially renamed The Council). In the end, it's agreed that they could wait another week or another month or another year but there will never be a perfect time. They decide to go forward with the memorial.

On the morning of the service, Bellamy silently decides to use this time to metaphorically bury his feelings for Clarke too.

I have to. I can't go on feeling this way. This is my chance to just say goodbye to all of that.

He decides to knock on Octavia's door on the way to the service, to see if she wants to walk with him.

"Hey, O," he calls out after knocking. "You ready to head over?"

"Go on ahead, I'll catch up," she calls back.

As Bellamy walks on, he can't help but to think how annoyed Octavia has sounded every time he's knocked on her door. Once she even yelled back, 'Go away, I'm masturbating!' to which he could only reply, 'Okay, didn't need to know that!' Well, he reminds himself to let her have her emotions and if she's annoyed in general, then she's annoyed. Maybe I should back off a bit and let her come to me instead. She's telling me she wants some space and I should give it.

The Council has decided to hold the memorial in a different setting than usual, to take it out of the ordinary mess hall where meals and the daily movie take place. There is a conference room inside the Ark that fits 100, and that's where the memorial is to be held today. Bellamy's thoughts continue to churn as he takes a seat near the front, next to Miller.

So I'm burying my feelings for Clarke today, and also reminding myself that O looks like she needs some space. Raven looks pissed most of the time lately too – can't blame her, with Jaha apparently unable to stay out of engineering. But there's Miller. He's always even-keeled and always down for hanging out. Maybe I just need to spend more time with him.

The group is called to order. Kane and Clarke will each speak, and then open it up to anyone else who'd like to say a few words. Bellamy turns his head and looks around the room. The Council had expected that not everyone would attend, but as far as Bellamy can tell, it looks like most people are here. They are quiet and somber, as most have been all during the past week.

Bellamy is well-read and can put together a few good sentences himself, but he hasn't envied either Clarke or Kane for their speaking roles. He knows both have agonized over their speeches all week, and he can't blame them. What truly is there to say? We're sorry we couldn't stop the nuclear meltdown? We're sorry the people who came before us didn't take care of our planet, and we're sorry that we only had enough supplies to save 100 of us?

As first Kane and then Clarke speak, Bellamy listens more carefully today than he did to Kane's speech a week ago as the deathwave began to hit. Although neither Kane nor Clarke is saying anything particularly profound, their words make sense. They talk of death and grieving and things that can be controlled and things that cannot. Clarke reads a poem that a young boy, Ethan Hardy, wrote and asked her to read as he insisted he was too shy.

Anyone who has a trinket or something that reminds them of a lost one are invited to bring it up front and place it on a tray. The tray is ancient, pre-Apocalypse, and it's beautiful, Bellamy notes. It's made of wood and it has intricate carvings. One person gets up to speak and says that with the Council's approval, she plans to turn one wall of this room into a memorial for their lost ones. It will bear their names, woven into a pastoral setting that she plans to paint.

A handful of others also take Kane and Clarke up on their offer to get up and speak. As they do, Bellamy sometimes looks around the room. Jackson sits on Miller's other side, and Bellamy notes they are holding hands. So are Kane and Abby, now that Kane has sat back down. There are several other couples on the Ark too. Bellamy has to simply force his mind to shut off thoughts of how much he'd like to be holding Clarke's hand, how fitting it would be if they could be at each other's sides like that. His thoughts continue to spiral. Why wouldn't Clarke want what these couples have? Does she think I'm a monster?

Bellamy reminds himself to focus on why they are here today. But that provides small solace. He has seen death many times before but when he closes his eyes, he often sees Monty and Harper's bodies inside the stockade's airlock. He carried Jasper's unconscious body onto one of the carts bound for the stockade. Bellamy has been dealt other losses, but these ones still sting, still wake him up during the night. His breath catches. He's known for a while that today he's not going to get up and speak about them. He can't. But he has written notes to all three of them.

After everyone who wishes to speak or place an item on the tray has done so, Kane quietly concludes the service. The group recites the prayer together, and the service is over.

Bellamy's not quite ready to leave yet, he's heavy with grief, so he remains sitting next to Miller. Miller doesn't seem eager to go either.

"You-you didn't want to get up and speak?" he asks Miller gently.

Miller smiles wistfully and pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket. "I wrote something," he says, looking down at the paper. "But I get choked up every time I start to read it." Jackson puts an arm around Miller as Miller continues, "I figured dad would understand." He sniffs back what might've been a tear or two.

"He would."

"What about you?" Miller asks.

Bellamy answers him, letting him know he preferred to keep his written tributes to himself.

Bellamy sits quietly with Miller and Jackson for a little while longer. He sees Kara Cooper file out of the room. She didn't speak during the service, just sat there looking the same she has all week – venomous.

It happens a few hours after the Memorial.

Bellamy walks with Randall to the school. Randall had told Bellamy beforehand that today's lesson, both for the teens and the younger kids, was going to involve helping them mentally process the memorial and their feelings. Randall guides it well, using Ethan's poem (with Ethan's permission) as a springboard to helping the other students find ways to express themselves. Some are doing it through drawing or writing, and several decide to get up and share their feelings with the group. It's a bit easier to do that in this smaller classroom setting instead of with all of Skaikru.

Bellamy has to admit he's relieved when the abbreviated class is over. It's been a lot to carry emotionally, for everyone. He is done for the day, mentally and emotionally exhausted. Drained. He has to remind himself that for him personally, today was also about burying his feelings for Clarke during the memorial.

Randall ends the class by encouraging the kids to either make use of the gym or speak to him or another adult. Bellamy, too, lets the students know that he is there for them.

But the only person who comes up to him when school's out is not one of the students. It's Bree.

"Just wondered if I could keep you company. Feeling kinda lonely right now."

Bellamy looks at Bree. Her intent is clear, her body language and the look on her face leaving no doubt. She's been giving him similar signals for the past several days, and he's been ignoring them. And he certainly knows her body language and signals well enough given their time together in the dropship camp.

Bellamy is not going to turn down her offer. Clarke has made it clear that they can never be more than friends, and Bellamy needs some balm for his aching heart. At the very least, he needs a distraction. Their hookups in the past served as very pleasurable distractions.

He takes Bree's hand and they go off to her room.

Music is another source of comfort and distraction on the Ark. In addition to the songs and recordings that survived the Apocalypse, the music gleaned from Mount Weather has been added to Skaikru's musical library.

Niylah notes that Octavia makes it a habit to put music on when they are inside their room together. Although they are confident that no one in the hallway outside can hear them unless they decide to start screaming or throwing furniture, somehow just having music on gives Niylah a feeling of comfort.

"If you had asked me a few months ago if I'd ever want to listen to music that came from the Mountain Men, I'd have said 'never'," Niylah murmurs.

"I can shut it off, if you want," Octavia says quickly, leaning forward towards the device.

"No, no," Niylah says insistently. "The music's….good. It's nice to hear something new."

"Okay, good." Octavia looks down. "But, uh, I should've realized that music that used to belong to the Mountain Men isn't exactly something you'd love though."

Niylah shrugs. "Like I said, I changed my mind about it. Music is music. Even if it was owned by people who did terrible things to my own people." She smiles. "This song has a nice beat. And a hypnotizing melody. Almost makes me want to dance."

Octavia's eyes grow wide. "In all my time with Lincoln and Indra…I never saw grounders dance."

"Oh, but we can," Niylah says. She stands up from her chair and begins to sway a bit. "You've heard us sing. We can dance too."

"I've heard the singing," Octavia says, her voice tentative as she watches Niylah.

Niylah begins to dance without self-consciousness. It feels good to just move. During her life on the ground, she moved all the time – walking, running, combat training, climbing trees. Inside Octavia's room, her only exercise is combat training with Octavia and things like pushups or just pacing around the space. But the room itself only allows about seven steps before she has to turn around and pace back the other way. Her body is screaming at her that she needs this dancing outlet right now – and when she glances at Octavia, the younger woman seems to understand it.

Niylah continues to dance. A slower song comes on, and it's one Niylah likes as well, so she modifies her movements to slow them down a bit. She's not self-conscious. Niylah has always had a quiet inner confidence, and she's always known that there are many things she does well. The music continues its stirring, melodic pattern.

"I'm still surprised to hear that Lincoln never danced with you," Niylah says gently, softly. And she is genuinely surprised if that is the case, because she knows that Trikru lovers often used to dance together. In private.

But she regrets the words instantly as Octavia gets to her feet. Her face is blank but it looks like it might crumble. Clearly Octavia isn't ready to talk about Lincoln, and Niylah knows she has pushed her too far.

"I gotta go," Octavia says.

Niylah stammers out an apology, Octavia tells her there's nothing to be sorry for and adds that she just needs to take a walk and that Niylah should keep dancing if she wants to.

Ever since Octavia left the room, Niylah been debating whether or not to apologize and with how much intensity to do so. Octavia has signaled that she doesn't want to see strong emotions. She clearly hasn't wanted to hear any more "thank yous" from Niylah. Sitting inside her hiding spot, Niylah starts to feel despair and fear for the first time since Octavia found her. I've upset the person whom I depend on for my very survival. And I don't know how to fix it.

Octavia returns to their room a few hours after leaving. As soon as the door closes, Niylah moves the floor component aside and pokes her head up.

"Hi," Octavia says. She's already squatting down near the entrance to the hiding spot.

"Hey," Niylah says, adopting the informal greeting she heard Skaikru use many times, before she went into hiding.

"Sorry," Octavia says straightforwardly. "I get emotional when it comes to Lincoln. Probably gonna be that way for a while."

Niylah opens her mouth a bit but Octavia waves her hand. "Don't apologize. Just…don't take it personally if sometimes I gotta just….get up and go or something like that when I think about him."

Niylah nods. "I understand."

"You've lost people too. You don't get to just take off when you're upset. I'm sorry that you're stuck in here all day."

"Sorry? Octavia, I'd be dead if it weren't for you." Niylah winces slightly after the words are out. Octavia doesn't seem to enjoy, as Niylah reminds herself, strong displays of potentially sappy language.

But Octavia is smiling. "Okay," she says. "Let's make a deal. No more sorrys or thank yous. From either one of us. We're just two women stuck here and trying to stay alive."

"I like that," Niylah says with a smile. "No more apologizing or thanking. Just two women trying to survive."

Octavia nods and glances back at the music player on her desk. "How 'bout I put some music back on?"

"Yes," Niylah says. She then adds, again because it's something she's heard Skaikru say, "That works for me." The entrancing rhythm of the music begins to work its magic.

"Well, you're a man with a mission. I'm glad to see it."

Miller makes the comment to Jackson a few mornings later, as they are getting ready for breakfast.

Jackson smiles. "I needed something to do, and I am glad to have… a mission, as you put it."

With Skaikru's population down to 100, most of whom are young and healthy, neither Jackson nor Abby has had much to do in med bay. As much as Jackson loves catching up on the journals, he feels the need to be actually healing people. Yesterday one of the engineers came in . One of the older ones, she had strained her back. After giving her a pain reliever, Jackson added that a medical massage might help her even more. It did. She said it left her feeling better than ever. Jackson told her that almost anyone could benefit from medical massage – and that anyone is welcome to take advantage of it now. So Jackson is busy once more, working out cricks in people's necks, easing backaches, working with muscles and connective tissue to coax it into relaxation.

"You're gonna need a sign-up sheet pretty soon."

"That would be good. I'm used to being busy."

"Well," Miller says, taking a step closer to Jackson. "I like what your hands do."

Jackson raises his eyebrows. "Just my hands?" he teases.

"Not just your hands," Miller clarifies with a grin as he touches a hand to Jackson's back and pulls him close.

"We're gonna be late for breakfast," Jackson warns as Miller guides him into a kiss.

"Too bad."

It becomes a regular thing, with Bree. Sometimes they use Bree's room, sometimes Bellamy's. Bellamy prefers when they use his room, only because Bree's room is kind of a mess. (He's not sure how a group of people with so few personal possessions can spawn someone who is so untidy, but Bree has clothes, shoes, and other trinkets from Mount Weather simply strewn about her room. One of them is a painting that should be hanging on the wall but is not. Bellamy has to dodge items as he walks the steps to her bed).

They never spend the night together. When the sex is over, whoever is the guest gets up and returns to their own room.

Bellamy is always relieved when that happens. The sex is good, it serves a need, it scratches that itch, it provides a distraction. But he hates kissing her. That part of it is truly a chore.

Days turn into weeks. The two of them hook up fairly often, though not every day. They don't sit together at meals or movies; Bellamy continues to sit with the same group he has sat with since Praimfaya. Pretty much all of Skaikru tends to sit in the same place each day. Maybe after all the chaos they've experienced, people like having a pattern for something.

Bellamy knows that gossip is like water here, and he understands it. Everyone has their tasks and duties, but entertainment options are limited apart from the movies everyone has seen before and the music everyone has heard before. Although he hears that a group of people is talking about scripting a play in their spare time, he still hears plenty of gossip here and there. Sometimes it's people talking during their janitorial shifts (shifts which bring back decidedly unpleasant memories for Bellamy), other times it's talk on the sidelines of the gym or as people line up for meals. No one has said anything about Bree to him yet, and he doesn't know if others discuss it or not. He has been spotted once or twice leaving her room, and he images the reverse has happened too.

I don't care. If they talk, they talk. Hookups happen, and Bree and I aren't the only ones.

But a small voice nags at him, reminding him that he does care about what one person in particular thinks.

They haven't spoken much the past couple of weeks. As usual, they see each other multiple times during the day. Bellamy doesn't avoid Clarke, and she doesn't seem to be avoiding him either. But they're not really talking either, and the absence rips at Bellamy's heart. He needs to just…converse with her about something other than kitchen schedules or engineering status updates.

He shakes his head. Most of their time on earth has been spent trying to stay alive. Then she was gone for three months and he spent most of his time trying to find her. When she finally came back, they worked together. It wasn't always seamless or harmonious but they were such a strong team. But now here they are, settling into this new life inside the Ark where the days are steady. And where Clarke has said she can't afford an emotional commitment. That has left them in some strange limbo right now.

Bellamy wonders if there is any chance Clarke finds it as dissatisfying as he does.

TO BE CONTINUED

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