Chapter Five
It has been six months since Praimfaya now, and Bellamy is doing okay.
His friendship with Clarke is back to being much like it was before Praimfaya. They don't avoid each other at all. They talk. Having Octavia's secret to keep helps to bind them, in a way. The day Clarke came to him with her concerns about Octavia helped open the door to get them acting as friends again, and so that is where they are at now.
Friends only though. Bellamy tells himself that he's lucky to have Clarke as a friend, and he will need to accept what he is given. It's a comfortable place most of the time, though there are days when he looks at her and his heart melts once more. Every now and then his mind still wanders and he thinks about what it would be like if they were together, holding hands, kissing, touching. He simply swallows and reminds himself that Clarke is his friend and nothing more.
And in the meantime, life continues – and, on rare occasions, it even feels like some kind of normal. Bellamy is trapped in the Ark just as he was before, though this time there are only 99 other people instead of 2,200. And this time he's on the Council instead of working as a janitor. Sometimes he even looks forward to their meetings, though not as much as he enjoys learning how to become a teacher.
He and Bree continue to sleep together, though much less frequently now. Once a week seems to be about average at this point. It continues to serve a purpose, scratch an itch, provides him a distraction without any entanglements. Just as always, whenever they are done, they return to their own rooms. As far as Bellamy knows, Clarke hasn't taken up with anyone, though he reminds himself that it would be none of his business if she did.
Life isn't bad, especially now that he and Clarke are friends once more. Bellamy also has Miller and Raven's friendship. Kane offers mentoring and coaching, and Bellamy looks forward to it. He guesses this is what it's like to have a good uncle. Bellamy also has his work in the classroom and the Council, he has the library and the gym and the daily movie night. He'll watch Octavia and Miller spar in the gym, learn what he can from their techniques, laugh as the three of them sit down to glasses of water afterwards. Day-to-day survival isn't an issue like it was on the day the dropship landed, and for that he's grateful.
Sometimes Bellamy and the others even have fun. Miller has taken to making snarky comments at the movies. Sometimes he has Bellamy, Jackson, and the others holding onto their sides with laughter. But then Bellamy remembers everything they have experienced – everything they have done – and he doesn't want to laugh anymore. The next day he will watch someone do a magic trick and then remember Monty's old card tricks - and feel a new stab of grief knowing he will never just "get over" the loss of Monty, Harper, and Jasper.
He still worries over Octavia and still wonders if his and Clarke's assumption about her hiding Niylah is correct. He doesn't know. A few times he has done as he told Clarke he would – he offers Octavia some of his food, saying that his stomach hurts. Octavia accepts it. A few other times he does what Octavia occasionally does – slips a potato or piece of dried fruit into his jacket when no one's looking. He later offers it to Octavia in private and she accepts without comment. They leave it there.
A few days after the six-month mark has passed, Bellamy is sitting in the daily post-breakfast Council meeting.
"I have something new to bring up," Abby announces as the other four sets of eyes turn to focus on her. "Someone approached me yesterday. I won't say who. But she asked what our policy is on reproduction now. She said she's not pregnant, but she would like to be. She wants to know what the rules are."
The rules on the Ark were clear. You were free to marry whom you wanted, but your contraceptive implants didn't come out until a committee cleared you and your spouse. The Council doesn't need to be reminded that times are different now.
"It's an interesting question," Jaha says. "We did account for having five to ten births during the next five years."
"And we did weight the list towards young women," Clarke adds. "Specifically for that purpose."
"The human race does need to be repopulated," Kane says. "Inasmuch as that can be done with only 100 people."
"And," Clarke adds, "the fact is that every system is working well. We've had no issues with the hydrofarm, the air scrubbers, or the water recyclers. Even the algae farm is producing."
Bellamy looks at his tablet. "I'd say we easily could accommodate even more than the number we planned for," he says. "Five to ten births was a conservative estimate."
Bellamy looks around the table at the other faces. None of them could be described as jubilant – in fact many look ill-at-ease, and the reason is obvious. They just culled most of their population. The tension between the idea of recognizing that Skaikru needs babies and mourning those who were culled is hard to balance.
But the fact remains that they can easily accommodate a few babies, which the human race desperately needs if it is going to continue.
The discussion grows robust. On the Ark, prospective parents had to be married, mainly for the reason that raising a child alone is challenging - and requiring marriage also provided a degree of stability in case one parent died, which happened not infrequently. It also helped ensure that the baby would always have one caretaker while the other parent was at work. The group debates the wisdom of requiring marriage now, especially when so many of the Ark's female population is young. They decide that if a woman has a close friend or relative who commits to raising the child with her, they will view that as acceptable in lieu of a marriage.
The group then discusses what their actual policy should be, knowing that they need to have a policy in place and announce it, rather than just letting birth control implants be removed at random. So they decide that anyone who wants to become a parent should make their wishes known. "We will then randomly select three women who will be allowed to become mothers," Clarke says, summing up their decision. "If all goes well, then 12 months from now we will randomly select three more. Then we'll evaluate the strain on our systems and decide if we can allow more. We should be able to, but we still need to take it slowly."
The group looks over what they have put together, decides to let it sit for a day and then revisit it tomorrow before they make the announcement.
Bellamy looks at the 95 faces sitting in the conference room, the faces belonging to those who aren't on the Council. As Clarke shares what has been decided, Bellamy is guessing that the group looks mostly pleased with the news.
A few hands are raised when Clarke asks what questions they have. One person asks when the lottery will take place, and Clarke answers that they decided to wait 30 days before holding the lottery so that everyone can give this the thought it deserves. A few more questions are asked, and again Bellamy thinks the group looks pleased, and the meeting is adjourned.
And then, just a few days later, it happens.
Bellamy is inside his room, reading and resting, having just returned from a lesson on engineering. Raven figured out that to get Jaha out of her hair, she had to put him to work teaching others the basics of engineering, and thus Bellamy has spent the past few hours in a class taught by Jaha. This arrangement has worked out well for both Raven and Jaha, Bellamy guesses. He was never a fan of Jaha the chancellor but he thinks that Jaha the teacher is hitting his stride.
There is a knock on his door. He puts the book aside and stands up. When someone knocks, it's usually one of his friends wanting to play a game in the rec room or take a walk or even do some combat training. He's going to decline any requests for a game of chess, even if it's Clarke asking. His head is a little heavy right now from the engineering lesson. It could also, Bellamy knows, be Bree in search of a hookup but they just had one a few days ago and he truly doesn't want one now.
He opens the door and it's Clarke.
After all this time as "just friends" – of seeing her casually multiple times a day - his heart still skips a beat at the sight of her. And his pulse picks up just a bit. She doesn't often knock on his door, though it happens occasionally, especially when she wants to coax him into a chess game.
But Bellamy knows her too well and the look on her face is something else. The last time she had this particular look, she told him about her suspicions that Octavia was hiding Niylah. No, Bellamy corrects himself. The last time she looked this way was before that, when she told him they needed to be just friends. Again, his heartbeat is faster than he would like right now and he has to remind himself to breathe.
"How's it going?" Clarke asks, as she steps inside his room. "How was engineering class?"
"It was good," Bellamy says. He forces a smile. "I think Jaha's found his calling."
"Which I'm sure Raven appreciates," Clarke says with a laugh that Bellamy can clearly see is forced. "So…hey," Clarke begins again, taking a breath and looking more serious now. "I was thinking. There are 100 people left in the human race. It needs to be repopulated. It's – it's a moral imperative. You are my closest friend. You're smart and strong and responsible. And caring. I could go on and on." Clarke actually swallows and then makes her ask. "I think you and I should enter the lottery to become parents. As friends."
Bellamy's only response is for his jaw to drop and to ask a pronounced, "What?" The word stretches out for more than one syllable.
"I know, I know," Clarke says, shaking her head and putting her hands up. "It's weird. But, well, like I said. It's our moral imperative to help rebuild the human race. Neither of us has a girlfriend or boyfriend or spouse. But we're close friends. You'd be a great father. We can do this."
Bellamy's mind starts to get back in gear after completely shutting off for a second or two. 'Imperative', he repeats to himself. Clarke really has rehearsed this. Just like she scripted the speech on the day she said we should be just friends.
Bellamy imagines that whatever look his face displays can only indicate one reaction: dumbfounded.
"I know it's a big decision," Clarke continues. "So please, please take all the time you need to think about it. We can't enter the lottery for a month now anyway. So we have time."
Bellamy is still astonished and silent. He has to fight the urge to answer with a 'Yes! Of course!' Dimly he's aware that he will not commit to anything right now.
Part of him wants to unequivocally refuse – he is not parenting anyone unless he's in an actual relationship with the mother, not just friends. But his brain keeps poking at him, telling him that this is his chance to become close to Clarke, to take on the most important job in the world with her, as her co-parent. This is his chance to touch her and hold her. It's not the way he wanted and it's far from perfect, but wouldn't this be better than just remaining friends? This would take them up a step from friends to co-parents.
"You look like you need time to think about it," Clarke says straightforwardly.
"I do," Bellamy manages. His throat is dry.
Clarke nods. "Take all of the 30 days we have, if you want. And if you want to go over questions and ideas – things like parenting styles and such – just let me know."
Bellamy listens to her words. Again they sound scripted, and the two of them may as well be in a Council meeting. He can only nod as he watches her leave.
Niylah listens eagerly as Octavia recaps the day's big meeting. The first time she had ever heard of Skaikru's one-child policy, she'd felt distaste, of course – even though she could see the logic to it. Being raised on the ground with the earth's abundant resources all around, Niylah could only imagine what life would be like inside a metal box in space where most resources, other than solar power, were finite.
"But yeah," Octavia says, concluding. "If they got room for three babies this year and three babies next year, then they got room for you." She takes a breath. "But we're still stuck. I disobeyed rules by hiding you."
"And we don't know what the punishment for that is," Niylah says. "We do know that on the Ark we'd both have been floated for this." She is pleased with herself every time she uses one of Skaikru's expressions.
"And I still have no idea if they'd make an exception now since there are so few of us," Octavia says. "So few humans. And I can't exactly ask." As Octavia has shared, no one else has broken any rules since Praimfaya. The last big disruption was Kara Cooper's outburst on the day of the death wave. She was confined to quarters for a day and then released. The 100 Skaikru living here now follow the rules.
"Still too big of a risk then," Niylah concludes. "We can't come forward."
"Right."
Niylah sighs. "Clarke is a good leader. If we ever do get discovered, I have to hope she wouldn't allow anything drastic to happen to us."
Octavia nods. "Hey, so…about Clarke. I was just curious. You two used to be…not a couple, right?"
"We were friends," Niylah says simply. "We care about each other," she continues, unsure whether to use past or present tense. "When I first met her, she needed comfort and I was happy to provide it. Some comfort, a listening ear. I've always enjoyed doing that for people." She smiles and adds, "And, yes, sex as well. But we were never in love, never had any aspirations to be more than two friends who sometimes slept together."
Niylah is unsure how to interpret the look on Octavia's face. Maybe a mix of curiosity and caring? "Have you ever….been in love?" Octavia asks. "Like me and Lincoln were?"
Niylah fleetingly thinks it's strange that they haven't ever discussed this during the months they've spent together. But Niylah has never wanted to bring the topic up, since Lincoln's loss clearly still pains Octavia. Niylah has been careful to steer away from matters of the heart, topics that might remind Octavia of Lincoln. She wonders if it's something of a breakthrough that Octavia has brought him up today.
"No," Niylah answers. She shrugs. "Just never met the right woman. So I've only had….what your people call 'friends with benefits' or 'hookups'."
Octavia smiles. "What's the Trig word for that?"
Niylah supplies the word. Her answer to Octavia a moment ago was honest. She's always been open to having a love such as the one Octavia and Lincoln shared, but it hasn't happened for her. She once lived for about six months with another woman but they couldn't get it right and Niylah returned to her father's house.
"Are you interested in women only? Or in anyone?" Octavia then seems to force a laugh. "I'm asking lots of questions today, huh?"
Niylah returns her smile. She's glad that Octavia is more interested in sharing now. She has to admire the way Octavia and Lincoln went for a big, bold, passionate love even if it ended in tragedy.
Of course, Niylah cautions herself, be careful where your heart decides to go with this as this, too, might end in tragedy.
She answers Octavia's question. "Only women stir my heart. And my passions." She pauses. "What about you?"
Octavia looks down and scratches at her pant leg. "I don't know," she says after a while. "Never really thought much about romance or sex till I was out of the Skybox. Then there was Lincoln – oh, yeah, Atom before that, I think I mentioned him." She keeps looking at her pant leg. "No woman ever…. expressed interest in me, and I never really-"
They are interrupted by a knock on the door. With well-honed practice, Niylah is back into the hole and the floor panel is replaced in a matter of mere seconds.
"Who is it?" Octavia calls out.
"It's Sepetys and the others," the young cadet answers. It's a small group who Octavia has been teaching grounder combat skills to. "Just seeing if you want to walk with us to dinner."
"The movie's good tonight," another one calls.
Octavia has already told Niylah the name of the movie scheduled for tonight. She remembers Octavia describing it six months ago when Octavia first saw it. It made a vivid impression because it contained a love scene between two women, and Niylah remembers how Octavia described it. She hadn't spared too many details.
"Be right there."
And with that, Niylah hears the door open and close, and Octavia is gone for the next few hours. Niylah leans back, resting against the wall. Uncomfortable, she repositions the pillows and blankets inside her hole to make herself more comfortable.
There are a variety of things she does to pass the time when Octavia's not around. Often Niylah just naps. The hole isn't large, but she can still do several stretches as well as strengthening exercises. There are Trikru prayers, breathing exercises, and other mental or spiritual exercises. She once meditated so deeply that she barely heard Octavia when she returned. Octavia has also supplied Niylah with anything she can scavenge that she might enjoy. There's a small puzzle from Mount Weather but Niylah accidentally kicked it when she was doing some abdominal exercises, and she hasn't reconstructed it yet. There are scraps of paper and a few pencils, and Niylah has found that she prefers doodling to reading. She's not at Clarke's level when it comes to drawing, but she's not half-bad either.
Lately her drawings have been mostly of Octavia.
Niylah tries to "keep it there", to channel her energy there, into her drawings. She never got the full answer from Octavia to her last question, and Niylah again cautions herself to cut off that line of thought. Perhaps it's best to not ever think much about it. Not to think how good it would be to touch Octavia, to hold her, to press her lips against hers.
Stop, Niylah commands herself. Stop.
Octavia returns, as she always does, once dinner and the daily movie are over. As Niylah climbs out of the hole, Octavia sets the dinner tray down on the desk and pulls out the chair for Niylah to sit.
"It's too much," Niylah says, surveying the bowl of stew. Dinner often is a soybean and vegetable stew, and today is no different. "This looks like far more than half."
"It's yours," Octavia insists, seating herself atop the bed. "I had plenty."
Niylah nods and tucks into the stew as Octavia begins to recap the movie. Although this is Niylah's second time hearing the rundown of the film, she's still glad to hear it. Octavia truly does a great job at recalling details.
As Octavia approaches the love scene between the two women, one of the most central points of the movie, Niylah tenses up just a bit. Octavia's pacing has slowed a bit, her voice taking on a more serious tone. Whenever there has been a love scene in a movie, Octavia often glosses over any details. (Her recaps of sex scenes are along the lines of "He kisses her, she kisses him back, then there's sex." Or "They end up making out in the car and you know what happens next.") This time Octavia is providing ample details, describing what each woman is wearing, the look in her eyes, the movement of her hands.
Niylah normally looks at Octavia's face during the movie recaps, stopping her occasionally to ask a question. She can't do that now. She can only look down at her hands. Her heart is pounding and she thinks she's perspiring a bit. Octavia continues describing the scene, until it's over and there's a moment of silence.
"Kiss me," Octavia says.
Niylah is flustered. "Uh – sorry, are you saying that Carol said that to Therese?"
"No," Octavia says, stepping down from the bed and over to where Niylah sits. "I want you to kiss me."
There is something about Octavia. Niylah has always suspected that Octavia, as much perhaps as Clarke, was born to be a leader. She has a commanding presence, she can turn all eyes towards her. And it makes Niylah completely flushed and excited.
Niylah wordlessly stands to face Octavia. She is happy to obey this directive. She leans in towards Octavia, ready for that kiss.
Before their lips touch, Octavia steps back almost as if she's been doused with cold water. "I'm sorry!" Octavia barks out. "I had no right to order you to do that. I'm sorry!" she repeats.
Niylah smiles. "I'm happy to do it," she says softly. "I'm happy to do whatever you like," she adds with a slight raise of her eyebrows.
Octavia takes one more step back so that she's now standing against the bed. "We-we can't. Not with the way we live here. It wouldn't be right."
"Why not?" Niylah asks simply.
Octavia looks down before meeting Niylah's eyes. "Because of the situation we're in. You depend on me for food and for hiding. You-you might feel obliged and not really want to…."
"Oh, I want to," Niylah insists. When the words are out, she winces. Looking at Octavia, Niylah can clearly see that whatever put Octavia into the state of wanting to be kissed is gone now. She's not sure if Octavia has cold feet because of the reason she just gave or something else. But Niylah feels that she was wrong, a second ago, to push it.
"We shouldn't," Octavia says. She's still pressed against the bed.
And again Niylah can only observe that Octavia's innate commanding presence just needs to be obeyed. Although Octavia's voice a second ago wasn't as firm as it often is, Niylah believes this is not the time to argue with her.
"Okay," Niylah says with a tilt of her head. And then, with what can only be described as a big grin, she adds, "If you ever change your mind, you know where to reach me." The words are so ridiculous that she and Octavia both laugh. The release of tension is exactly what they need. They laugh some more, Niylah bids Octavia good night, and she retreats back into the hiding spot.
"I have to admit I'm looking forward to it. In less than a year we might have babies born here."
Jackson says the words to Miller. They are cuddled together in bed, with hours to go before either one is on duty or needed somewhere else.
Miller listens to his words and takes just a moment to savor things before he replies. Life post-Praimfaya is perhaps slower-paced than his life ever has been before. True, it was slow inside the Skybox too but he was only there for about seven weeks, and that all feels like a distant memory anyway. As the Council shared – and as everyone else already knew – the Ark is functioning well, like a well-oiled machine. So Miller is allowed more free time than he's ever really experienced before.
And it feels good, just lying in bed, feeling Jackson's naked body against his. Miller likes it all, everything they do on this bed. Anticipating and getting ready for sex, building towards orgasm, and the post-sex cuddling too. Miller has spent every night since Praimfaya here in Jackson's room, only once returning to his former room to collect his meager belongings.
"Yeah," Miller answers. "It'll be nice."
"I love getting to assist with deliveries," Jackson continues wistfully. "Abby will take the lead, of course. But it's one of my favorite things to do. There's almost always a happy ending."
A happy ending, Miller thinks to himself. He exhales. "Just seems that if they planned on there being five to ten babies born here, they could've allowed a few more people to stay. I know, I know….I just gotta accept it, accept their decision and what happened."
Jackson shifts his position so that he's looking at Miller's brown eyes. "It's okay," he says quietly. "It's okay to be upset. What happened is not the kind of thing that you can ever really just get over."
Miller takes a moment to digest those words. "That's exactly it," he finally says. "I am happy – really – that there will be babies born, that people will get to become parents. I just wish that somehow my dad could be here too." He strokes Jackson's shoulder. "I told you what he said to Clarke in the stockade, didn't I?"
Jackson nods somberly.
"He said I'd 'mate' with anyone if that's what it would take to get a spot in here," Miller remembers with a twisted half-smile. He knows he's forcing the smile and soon drops it.
"I wonder if either of us will ever be asked to do that. Just from what I've heard in the halls and in the gym, I don't think there's a shortage of prospective moms or dads. I think they will have more than three women enter that lottery."
"I think you're right." Miller tilts his head. "I know I'm not the only one who wonders if they could've saved more people though. Did you see the look on Cooper's face when they made the announcement?"
"I try to avoid looking at her," Jackson answers, looking somewhat bemused.
"I mean she always looks kinda angry," Miller says wryly. "But she did not look happy during that meeting." He tries to stop dwelling on Cooper. Once again, the guilt pokes at him. Cooper's husband didn't make the cut, while Miller did and is in the arms of the man he loves. Cooper has every right to look as angry as she usually does. Miller needs desperately to think of something else. He touches a few fingertips to Jackson's face. "Hey….ready for round two?"
"Thought you'd never ask," Jackson smiles. He pulls Miller into a deep kiss.
Bellamy has gone back to doing something he did often during the sleepless nights leading up to Praimfaya: pacing the halls. He walks and walks and walks some more, often passing whichever guard is on duty more than once.
He knows that he can – and probably should – sit down with a few people to bounce this off of them. Clarke hasn't asked him to keep this quiet, and of course if they decide to move forward and enter the lottery, there would be no keeping it quiet at that point either. Bellamy has plenty of people he can talk with. Kane has been such a good uncle-figure. Miller and Raven such good friends. Octavia knows him so well, though she has definitely been preoccupied with something these past few days.
No. I need to make the decision on my own. I need to decide what I think is right and go with that.
It has been four days since Clarke approached him.
Since then, they've seen each other as usual, at mealtimes and at movies. Once, alone in the halls, Clarke reminded him – apparently trying to keep her voice casual – that she'd be glad to sit down and discuss whatever he wanted to regarding her proposition. She quickly added that they still had plenty of time to make a decision and she didn't want to rush him. Bellamy had nodded, said he was still thinking but not ready to discuss any details or ask any questions at this point.
Bellamy continues to walk. So much to think about, so many factors to weigh. His love for Clarke, even though she just wants to be friends. The fact that the human race is down to only 100 – or 101, assuming Niylah is here – members. The desire to survive and pass on one's genes is as old as history. There is also the fact that out of all the potential partners/girlfriends/wives here, Bellamy isn't really drawn to anyone other than Clarke. He can truthfully say that no other woman here sparks his interest in anything beyond a friendship. And the fact that despite all the mistakes he made and despite the abysmal circumstances they were in, he enjoyed his part in raising Octavia. He has to smile when he thinks back to playing lily pads with her. Bellamy thinks of all the people who have passed away, never getting the chance to become parents. Monty and Harper would have been such wonderful parents, and now they are dead. Shouldn't he take this chance while he can?
But what about all the downsides? How difficult – or even impossible – would it be co-parent a child with Clarke when they are only friends? She'd be so near and so far away. There's also the matter of conception of the child. Although Bellamy hasn't asked, he's certain that Clarke would opt for conception to be done in med bay – no sex involved. Bellamy has to ask himself if he's really okay with that. When Clarke had proposed this idea, Bellamy had instinctively mused that he'd get to touch her, but he realizes now that in all likelihood, they won't be doing much touching beyond perhaps a family hug with their toddler.
Although….if Clarke says that she wants the conception to take place the usual way, Bellamy has to ask himself if he's really ready for that.
Bellamy has obsessed over all of these thoughts for the past four days.
He rounds another corner. He has made his decision. He's going to slip a note under Clarke's door and ask to speak with her when she's up in the morning.
TBC