When she awoke the next morning, after a night devoted to nightmares of blood and Kakashi, her head was on Naruto's arm who was asleep next to her. Sasuke was on her other side. He wasn't touching her but he sat close with his back against the wall, knees bent and eyes shut. He seemed asleep, but as her eyes glanced off his face, he opened his eyes and looked at her. She shuddered. She couldn't meet his eyes. She rose, trying not to disturb Naruto, crawled past Sasuke, trying to put as much distance between them as she could.
Sasuke's eyes followed her as she walked across the room to her closet. It was unnerving. Once, she'd have been delighted to know that he was watching her, but now, she wished she could go back to the times when he had ignored her and Kakashi had been alive.
Don't go there. Don't think of blood and Kakashi.
Silent tears began to fall. She stood facing her closet, heart broken, full of self-hatred, and afraid of a person she had thought she loved more than anyone in the world.
Suddenly, she felt movement behind her. Her hands shook, she clenched into the clothes folded in her closet. Sasuke stood close behind her and put a hand on her shoulder. "Don't cry." he said, in the same soft voice she knew so well from her nightmare.
Her heart clenched tighter, and her eyes grew hazy with tears. She jerked out of his grasp, and ran to the bathroom. She locked herself in and turned the water on so he wouldn't hear her sobs.
When she had cried her heart out under the hot water, she walked out of the bathroom in her robe and rummaged again in her closet. She could hear voices from outside her bedroom- Naruto and Sasuke were still there. Thinking of them brought a wave of exhaustion. She sat on the floor to pull on her pants, and put on a shirt. Then she wrapped her arms around her middle, brought her knees as close to her chest as she could and sat there, wet hair dripping onto her shirt, willing some energy to appear and help her deal with the two boys waiting for her.
Energy didn't appear, but Naruto did. When he saw Sakura, he sat on the floor next to her, as if sitting on floors with dripping hair was something they did everyday. He didn't talk, just placed a warm arm around her shoulder.
After a bit he said, "Will you come and eat some ramen with us? It's the first time teme has bought and I don't want to eat it cold."
She nodded tiredly hoping that finishing ramen would help get rid of them. He helped her stand up, put his arm around her shoulder again and lead her towards the living room.
Sasuke sat on the couch, elbows resting on knees and hands crossed under his chin. Three packets of Iciraku Ramen waited on the table in front of him. Naruto guided her to the couch as well.
"Scoot over," he told Sasuke. Sasuke gave him a look, but scooted over. Naruto sat Sakura next to Sasuke and himself next to her. She tried to sit as far from Sasuke as she could, while making sure Naruto noticed nothing unusual. They each picked up a packet and began to eat. Sakura ate carefully, keeping all her attention on the food to prevent her thoughts from wandering. The boys didn't talk either. It was unnaturally silent.
Naruto and Sasuke both finished before her. And when she was done, she opened her mouth to thank them for the food, but Naruto beat her to it.
"Thanks for eating with us Sakura-chan. Would you like some tea before going to bed?"
She wanted them gone. She wanted to be alone. She was feeling more energetic with some food inside her, but mentally, she still felt dead and didn't want to think or talk about anything. But she couldn't argue.
She nodded. He gave her a look with a smile so wide and sincere that it hurt. Then he bounded up and rushed to the kitchen. She could hear him moving utensils and filling water. Sakura leaned back in the couch and sighed quietly. A few more minutes and she'd be alone.
Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Sasuke was staring at her. She closed her eyes and wished he'd look away.
When Naruto returned with the tea, they sat silently again, as they had before.
"Where did you learn to make tea dobe? I thought you only knew how to make ramen." Sasuke said.
This was the change that a month had wrought on Sasuke. He talked more, though he was still curt and cold. But the bond between him and Naruto had changed in some way that Sakura could not understand. Before, he'd never have made such a remark. And Sakura doubted he'd say such a thing to anyone but Naruto. She wondered what had happened to them, other than Kakashi... Her heart clenched again, but she fought the panic rising in her chest.
A little longer, they'll soon be gone.
Unfortunately, it was not meant to be. When they'd finished the tea, Naruto turned to her and gently said, "I don't want to go home and be alone. Do you mind if I and the teme stay here?"
She knew what he was trying to do and damn him, she knew that he knew that she couldn't say no when he asked like that. She stared at him a minute, trying not to fall apart. He looked at her, expression open and kind, eyes and body warm. Slowly, she nodded.
He smiled again with a warmth that made her heart unclench a little.
"Let's play a little game before we sleep, ne?" he asked.
She knew what game he meant. They'd discovered early during the past month that Shogi helped her keep her thoughts away from all the things that turned on the tap behind her eyes. She nodded. It was better than pretending to sleep while her thoughts and memories tormented her.
They started with Naruto playing against Sakura. Sakura focused on the game as she had focused on her food: relentlessly. She had discovered the trick to controlling her thoughts was to dig herself a deep pit out of distracting thoughts and so prevent tormenting thoughts from finding her. She focused on the game until there was no room in her mind for anything else. She was so busy thinking that she didn't notice Naruto was playing against her until she completely decimated him.
Then, when the game was over and she finally had no thoughts to hide behind, she raised her head to look up at him. The world came back. She was in her apartment, her parents were gone, Kakashi had died to save her. Her team-mates who should have hated her were there, trying to make her life more bearable. She felt her heart being clenched again. The pressure behind her eyes built up again, but Naruto was looking at her with a smile. A smile warm as the light of the sun. His face was open, eyes slightly worried, but he was looking at her with his smile laying his heart open to her. He didn't hate her. He cared. And that made the pressure behind her eyes worse. Her eyes filled and overfilled. Two heavy tears fell past her cheeks. But before she could breathe and make it worse, Naruto was by her side, a warm arm draped around her shoulder, face close to hers so their foreheads were almost touching. His blue eyes looked into hers, sending a warmth through her chest.
"Come on," he urged, smiling slightly, "You can't stop until you hand the teme's ass to him."
Sasuke scoffed and began to put pieces on the board. Sakura nodded shakily and rubbed the backs of her hands across her eyes.
It was the same. She withdrew into the Shogi game until there was no room in her mind for anything else. Until she forgot she was herself. Throughout it all, Naruto kept his arm around her shoulders, offering his warmth and his comfort.
When it was over, Naruto jumped up excitedly, "Yatta!" He made a face at Sasuke. "See teme, the last times were not flukes. She killed you. You didn't stand a chance. Phoo!"
Sasuke picked some pieces and threw them at Naruto. "Hn. Whatever loser."
They played until they could not keep their eyes open anymore. Naruto led her back to bed and let her lie close to him again, her head on his shoulder. Sasuke sat as he had before. The room was quiet. But it was not empty and Naruto's warmth was relaxing. Sakura slept.
She woke up twice in the night shaking and sobbing. Naruto held her until she grew calm enough to sleep again, whispering meaningless nothings softly as if she were an injured kitten. Sasuke remained quiet, but he had laid down on her other side and put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed bruisingly, waking her up from one of the nightmares when she couldn't wake on her own.
In the morning, they made her leave the bed behind in favor of breakfast. Surprisingly, it was Sasuke who declared he would not stand ramen for breakfast and made eggs for them all. And Naruto coaxed her out of bed by informing her it was the first time that Sasuke had prepared breakfast for them. She groaned and wished they'd leave, but she left the bed and ate, something she hadn't been able to do for the past week while they'd been away on a mission.
After breakfast, Naruto and Sasuke suggested training. She wanted to decline firmly and bury herself in her blankets. This had worked for the past month. But today was a day of firsts. Sasuke's eyes bored into her face, echoes of Kakashi screaming rose in her head. Sakura froze, then shivered violently.
Naruto was looking pleadingly at her, "They're threatening to break our team up if we cannot work together. Please Sakura-chan, I don't want to be on any other team. I even tolerate the teme because you're on the same team. I don't want to be separated."
"No." she gasped, through rigid muscles.
"Get ready then," Sasuke commanded. "The dobe and I will return here with weapons and gear in 15 minutes."
She nodded, eyes falling to the floor.
Naruto's smile returned and his shoulders relaxed. He placed a finger beneath her chin lifting her face towards him, "Don't worry Sakura-chan, I won't allow them to break us up. I just need you and teme here to support me a little."
"Dobe," Sasuke scoffed.
Sakura decided to take the same approach to practice as she took to Shogi: focus so sharp that she cut her own personality out. They stretched and sparred. Sakura focused on her muscles and movement and opponents. She lasted longer in the spars than she did before. But Naruto and Sasuke could still wipe the floor with her. She felt tears of anger and despair rising inside.
"I need to get stronger" she told them, with a fist clenched over her heart. "I cannot go on as I did before. I don't want to be left behind. I don't want to watch your backs and have you protect me. I want to be able to protect myself and you guys."
Naruto and Sasuke shared a look.
"We'll help you out Sakura-chan, the teme and I," Naruto said immediately. "Kaka-" He cut himself off before he could utter his name. "We'll get stronger together, you'll see."
After training, they collapsed beneath a tree. It was a day of beauty: warm sunshine in winter and sky a deep blue. The grass, blanketed by a layer of chakra Sakura was holding, was soft and warm under them. A dense silence filled their ears.
Naruto, bless his heart, was asleep within minutes. Sakura rested against his stomach and stared up at the light falling on the tree above them. Sasuke rested with his back against the tree, tearing at the grass around him, restless even with peace enfolding them like a blanket.
Sakura thought this was Sasuke- inundated by guilt at allowing himself a moment's respite because he felt he didn't deserve it. Always dragged by ghosts, memories, regrets and questions to a dark night, even when the sun was shining around them. He lived like that. There was no other way for him.
She thought she could understand him a little better now, with the weight of Kakashi's guilt weighing her down. But she also understood how much she did not understand him.