The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has been filed by New Better Cheryl. So how did that happen? Well here's my theory on the origin of…
New Better Cheryl
"All right," Mallory's face appeared on the screen of her office. "What the hell happened this time?"
The rest of the Agency was in the room. "Okay in the first place," Cyril spoke up. "It's not as bad as it sounds. We did capture the target, Steven 'The Torch' Slantanivsky. One of the world's most notorious arsonists."
"And we did stop him from burning down the Metropolitan Museum of Art," Lana added.
"Then how did the Met catch on fire?" Mallory snapped.
"But it didn't burn down," Pam spoke up. "Instead of the entire building getting burned, just one of the bathrooms and a hallway."
"Again, I ask…" Mallory glared at them. "How did that happen?"
Lana let out a breath. "Cheryl…"
"I should have known," Mallory groaned as she took a drink. "Go on."
"Cheryl used her influence to get into the Met for their latest art exhibit gala," Lana said. "And as a cover we were her entourage. Everything was fine until somehow Cheryl gave us the slip. Then again we weren't watching her."
"But we probably should have," Cyril groaned.
"Figured that out didn't you, Col-Dumbo?" Mallory snapped. "What happened?"
"The next thing we know there was screaming coming from the men's room," Ray explained. "And by the time we got there…"
"You weren't there already?" Mallory quipped.
"I was stationed at the other side of the room!" Ray snapped. "By the time we got there…There was a small fire in the men's room. Which quickly turned into a large fire in the hallway."
"For the love of God," Mallory groaned. "Please tell me that The Torch did that."
"Not the one you're thinking of," Pam sighed. "Cheryl was dressed up in this whacked out red costume calling herself Fire Woman…"
"In other words," Mallory groaned. "Cheryl had another personality change. Then again any change is an improvement."
"Not in this case," Ray sighed. "She really slipped into Fantasy Land this time."
"That implies she ever left!" Mallory snapped. "That also explains why the Torch had been stabbed five times in five different places, with tungsten knitting needles!"
"I have no idea how she keeps getting those," Pam admitted. "I do a sweep of her desk every other week! Every time I find at least three or four of those suckers."
"Good thing I brought my tranquilizer gun," Krieger nodded.
"And even better that some of Cheryl's lawyers were at the event," Ray added. "Long story short we were able to blame everything on the wanted arsonist."
Mallory sighed and took a sip of her drink. "You know when the CIA complains about how roughly you treat your bounties…It's like mob bosses complaining that they have too many people wearing cement shoes at the bottom of the river. We need to have a talk with Cheryl about this Fire Woman phase."
"She already forgot it," Pam groaned. "Said it wasn't canon and then went off to the broom closet to sniff some glue. Where she is now."
"She's had a few new personalities already," Ray pointed out. "I mean they didn't last as long as Cherlene. But still…"
"She's basically a more unstable version of Sybil," Lana admitted.
"Honestly, I am worried about her," Pam sighed.
"Me too," Mallory admitted.
"And by that you mean you're worried that she'll die a horrible death," Lana guessed. "Which would not only stop her monthly protection payments to The Agency, but possibly get us sued?"
"I didn't consider the suing part," Mallory admitted. "But that first half is spot on."
"So how do we stop the United States of Cheryl from burning down the office?" Ray asked.
"I think I might have a way to help Cheryl," Krieger spoke up.
"Let me guess," Mallory sighed. "Does it involve a microchip and a car battery?"
"She might be into that," Pam spoke up.
"No! Hypnosis!" Krieger explained. "I will explore Cheryl's subconscious and implant the desire and the ability to be an efficient assistant!"
"You can do that?" Mallory did a double take.
"Yup," Krieger grinned.
"Then why the hell didn't you do that sooner?" Mallory shouted.
"Mallory!" Lana gasped. "You really have no problem with Krieger doing his crazy science mumbo jumbo shit to try and rewire Cheryl's brain and change her personality? And as I'm literally saying the words out loud…"
Cyril agreed. "We're talking about a woman who regularly sniffs glue. Strangles herself. Ingests a copious number of drugs and god knows what else…"
"Not to mention a fully blended scorpion," Pam sighed.
"What?" Cyril did a double take.
Pam explained. "She has this weekly weekend juice cleans where one of the ingredients is and I kid you not…A live scorpion!"
"Does the scorpion uh…" Ray blinked. "Have its stinger and venom removed?"
"Nope," Pam sighed. "She throws that live fully loaded sucker on a pile of spinach, kale, beets, prunes, bubble tea, a few diet drinks and puts the blender on full tilt…"
"Oh my God," Lana gulped.
"She says the stinger gives it its kick," Pam sighed. "Then she pays a guy to pump her stomach. Nice guy though."
"It's worse than I thought," Lana groaned.
"Honestly," Ray shuddered. "Anything Krieger does to her can't be worse than what she does to herself."
"Where does she get her scorpions?" Krieger asked. "Because my scorpion guy is overcharging me."
"On the other hand…" Ray groaned.
"As long as she pays us protection money, does some work and doesn't burn down the office…" Mallory remarked. "In that order…I have no problem with this."
"Yes!" Krieger grinned. He ran off. "Oh Cheryl! I have some new glue for you!"
"Why do I have the feeling this is going to be weird?" Lana groaned.
"It's Krieger," Mallory told her. "The same way you have a feeling the sun is going to come up."
"Somebody should watch what he's doing," Ray sighed. Everyone looked at him. "And I guess that somebody is me. Great."
A short time later…
"This will be great!" Krieger grinned. Cheryl was lying vertically unconscious on a lab table in his lab. There was a strange silver device on top of her head like a bizarre crown.
"How did you get Cheryl to agree to this?" Ray asked. "You drugged her, didn't you?"
"Just a tiny little bit of tranquilizer, scopolamine and a dash of cherry Nyquil," Krieger told him.
"You can really taste the cherry…" Cheryl mumbled happily.
"Her subconscious can hear us and respond to us," Krieger said.
"I don't know…" Ray frowned.
"Ray think of this as a treatment for her drug addiction, arsonist tendencies and personality disorder all in one," Krieger told him. "I mean let's be honest, if Cheryl keeps going the way she is…odds are she's going to end up in my lab as my new cyborg project. What's left of her."
"I see your point," Ray sighed. "Still I'm having second thoughts."
"That would imply you had first thoughts…" Cheryl giggled. "Burn!"
Ray glared at Cheryl. "Pull the damn switch."
"Actually, it's a button," Krieger picked up a remote control. "But you're right. A switch would have been cooler!"
A series of beeps emitted from the device on Cheryl's head. "Hey! I ordered extra pain with my brainwashing!" Cheryl grumbled. "I barely feel anything at all!"
"That's because if I put it on a higher setting," Krieger told her. "Your brain would literally melt."
"Literally…" Cheryl paused. "That's bad right?"
"Very," Krieger nodded.
"Oh yeah this will go well," Ray groaned.
"Quiet!" Krieger snapped at Ray.
He turned to Cheryl. "Cheryl. Listen to my voice."
"Okeydokey Mr. Chokey!" Cheryl said.
"Cheryl," Krieger told her. "You don't want to take drugs anymore. You want to be a good Cheryl. A smart Cheryl. A new better Cheryl. A Cheryl that is capable of a lot of things. Like typing and organizing."
"And burning buildings to the ground!" Cheryl said cheerfully.
"NO!" Krieger told her. "New Better Cheryl does non-burny things!"
"Non-burny?" Ray asked.
"It's a phrase. Shut up!" Krieger glared at Ray. He went to his computer. "I'm going to download some typing and organizing skills directly into her brain."
"Should be plenty of room," Ray muttered.
Cheryl twitched a little. "Still not enough pain. Are you sure a little brain melting would be bad?"
"Don't say a word Ray!" Krieger glared at him. "Cheryl. You want to be a new Cheryl. A better Cheryl."
Cheryl responded. "Do I get my own theme song?"
Krieger shrugged. "Sure. Why not?"
Ray sighed and picked up a piece of paper. "I'll get started on the lyrics."
The following day…
"All right," Mallory sighed as she appeared at the screen in her office. "Let's start another meeting. Where's Cheryl?"
"Right here!" Cheryl said cheerfully as she appeared with several dossiers. "I have the dossiers for today's briefing and today's schedule all typed up." She handed them to everybody.
Cyril looked at it and did a double take. "Cheryl did you type this?"
"With my own little hands," Cheryl grinned.
"I don't believe it," Cyril looked at the dossiers with the others. "It's concise. It's legible."
"No spelling mistakes," Ray's eyes widened.
"This looks really professional," Lana realized. "I'm impressed. Good work Cheryl."
"Thank you," Cheryl grinned. "New Better Cheryl is a very efficient assistant."
"What's this on my phone?" Mallory looked at her phone as it beeped.
"Oh, I forwarded your daily schedule, dossiers from the CIA and some future online meetings for you," Cheryl told her. "I remember you said that you wanted to reapply for membership for some organizations back in New York. So, I took the liberty of filling in some applications and getting you a few online interviews."
"What?" Mallory looked at her phone. "The Women's League? The Society Matrons of New York? The Colony Club? They kicked me out years ago! The Beaumont Society? They said they'd never take me back!"
"Yes well," Cheryl shrugged. "That was way before the really bad flu season. As well as a lot of members and/or their husbands getting indicted. Or caught stealing funds. Membership has really dropped to catastrophic levels. They have decided to give you another chance."
"My god," Mallory realized. "I haven't had anything efficient from an assistant for so long, I forgot what they're supposed to do!"
"Krieger you're a miracle worker," Pam said to Krieger.
"It wasn't that hard," Krieger waved. "Cheryl is very…malleable."
"Thank you," Cheryl grinned. "Now New Better Cheryl needs to go to work. She is a busy person who types and organizes and definitely doesn't do drugs or burn buildings to the ground."
Cheryl then began to sing. "Who's that girl hitting the town? Who's that girl who won't make you frown? It's New Better Cheryl! New Better Cheryl! She's really very organized and smart! She has a lot of heart! She's the new girl in town! And she definitely won't stab people or burn the building down!" She danced out of the room.
"You had Gillette write a theme song for her, didn't you?" Mallory sighed.
"Hey it was a rush job, okay?" Ray snapped. "It made her happy!"
"Again," Lana sighed. "Still better than old regular Cheryl. Or whoever else is in there."