A/N: That time again?
Glad to see everyone enjoyed getting a little snippet of Tala's POV and why he is the way he is. (Even though most of your opinions of him remained unchanged.. *Attempt at redemption failed* xD )
Fuck y'all he's still my son and I love him! :(
But for real thank you all that are still following this absolute shit storm and take the time to review. You all make my day honestly - and once again many thanks to Ms. Lucks for the help with this.. ;) She loves meee.
Also happy birthday to BB! Dedicating this chapter to you.
Hope everyone enjoys the return of our favourite nekojin!
K~
Chapter 13 Welcome Home
On the surface he looked just like any of the other thirty or so people that were stood waiting to pick up their loved ones from their travels. But inside, Kai's heart was pounding so violently against his ribcage he wasn't sure if he should leave the airport immediately and go get it checked out by a medical professional.
He wasn't expecting Ray to call him again so soon. Not after he'd hung up on him after that awful phone conversation. He was expecting him to be gone for at least another week like he'd told him, but the following day he'd received a call from a pay phone early in the morning asking if he would pick him up from the airport that same late afternoon.
Of course he would. It would be the least he could do for him.
Any minute now Ray would walk through that gateway and they'd be going back home. Back to the home that they'd spent the last two years making theirs, renovating and creating memories all for him to royally tarnish in one evening. But Kai didn't just screw up once, oh no. He even dared to let his rage try justify his actions a second time after said awful phone call and if it weren't for Tiffany coming back to the office last night who knows how far it'd have gone.
He was an asshole… an absolute asshole.
Any initial anger he felt towards Ray leaving was completely outweighed by the overwhelming amount of guilt that sat in the pit of his stomach now as he waited.
How was he going to face him? How could he look in to those beautiful golden eyes and pretend he didn't screw another man in their house, in their bed?
That's exactly what he was going to do though. Pretend it never happened. He couldn't tell Ray. How could he? It would destroy him… It would destroy them.
No. He was going to erase all of it from his mind. Every suggestive text message, every dirty picture, every kiss. Suppress those memories like he did with his shitty childhood.
Tala? Tala who? None of it was ever going to be repeated, so why bring it up? Why break Ray's heart over something that was never going to happen again? It was a mistake.
A one-.. two off… Three if you count what happened in the club bathroom but Kai wasn't even sure if anything did happen then! He was trashed!
Taking out his phone he went to his contacts and without hesitation deleted Tala's number along with the ignored text from last night.
He had no intentions of seeing him again now, the yard was completed so why would he need his details? What Ray doesn't know won't hurt him. He's back now, and they were going to be together forever, live happily ever and that was that. Whatever that was with Tala was over. Done. Finished. Finito.
End of story.
Kai's mental battle with himself came to an abrupt halt as people slowly but surely started to make their way through the arrivals gate. Big smiles, some tears and many warm hugs as reunion after reunion occurred in front of him. Coyly placing his phone back into his pocket he folded his arms over his chest as his eyes hesitantly began to scan the crowd and it wasn't long before he caught the sight of him.
His long black hair tied back in its usual fashion, pulling one case along on its wheels and carrying his duffle bag in the other. Just how he'd left him twelve days ago.
Taking in as much air as his lungs could hold Kai exhaled an unsteady breath. His attempt to fix his nerves epically failing as he watched Ray get nearer and nearer.
Ray wandered through the sea of people, his tired eyes searching for the face he both needed to see but wanted to avoid. He'd not slept at all last night, completely flooded with disgust at himself for what he had done. As the saying goes, curiosity killed the cat, and if Kai were to find out about Mariah it would surely break his heart. Especially because of his original suspicions before he even left for China.
Why was he always right?! It was like he had a sixth sense and just knew everything! Ever since they were kids Kai had been the same endless pit of wisdom. It was annoying...
Maybe he already knew... Kai seemed pretty convinced of the fact before it even occurred so maybe the second those crimson eyes laid upon him he'd be able to read him, see the guilt written all over him like a tattoo. Read him not just like a book, but one of those cheap magazines that would hold the trashy headline of how 'Ray Kon slept with his ex-girlfriend because he felt a little upset.'
God it sounded pathetic...
After a minute or so he saw him, stood leaning against one of the walls, away from everyone else with his arms folded waiting for him. He must have seen him first as his eyes were already transfixed on him, holding a somewhat soft gaze by the looks of it.
Kai couldn't know, 'cos if he did surely it'd be more of a hard glare being thrown his way now, and let's be honest, he wouldn't have even turned up to the airport if he knew. He'd have just left him there to rot like the absolute trash he was.
Ray hadn't felt this kind of confliction since the final world championships. When it was a choice between staying with the BladeBreakers or leaving to go back to the White Tigers. He felt a traitor then.. but this, this was just so much worse.
Does he tell him or not? Tell him or not?
The two males awkwardly watched the other as Ray ambled closer and closer. Both forcing a faint smile on their faces with the same thought passing through their minds;
'He can never find out.'
Loosening his arms from his chest Kai swallowed before clearing his dry throat.
"Hey..."
Ray shifted his bag, his hands feeling clammy as he looked up at him and forced a smile and the bile in his throat to go down.
"Hey," he parroted.
Kai's eyes then broke away from his. He remembered a time when he could spend hours gazing into those golden pools but the direct contact made him nervous for some reason now.
"I'll uh, get that for you," he said as he reached down for his duffle bag.
"It's okay!" Ray shouted, not meaning to, but it came out before he could stop it and pulled the luggage away from Kai's reach.
Kai's hand retracted away from the bag like it'd burnt him, his eyes widening and lips parting though he had no words for the unexpected outburst from the shorter male.
"I mean, I got it. It's fine," Ray added more nervously, "Let's just get out of here, go home."
"... Sure," Kai managed to say with a nod, awkwardly shifting the scarf around his neck to give his hand something to do before putting both hands in his pockets.
Ray arched a brow; he hadn't worn that thing in years. He had noticed it, just didn't think it was appropriate to question right at that very moment though. And he always did look good in it.
He couldn't ogle too long though, he needed to get home. Wash the stench of the village, of her, off his skin before he got sick.
Normally he'd take Kai's hand, but the moment he thought about it he just continued to grip onto the handles of his bag, heading as fast as he could to get out of there, it was suffocating him almost.
"So... good flight?" Kai asked breaking the silence, the two of them heading towards his car that was parked not far from the entrance.
He was never usually the one to make conversation but he couldn't relax, his fingers fumbling with themselves in his pockets as they walked. It wasn't like Ray to be so quiet but he figured he was just tired from the journey, that, or he still hated every inch of him which was completely understandable also.
"Sure," Ray answered, his head down and eyes focused on just getting him to the car as quickly as possible.
Kai took a quick side glance at him before pressing his lips together. He couldn't stand this. Why was he being so short with him? Was getting a little hard to not take it personally when Ray had barely said two words to him since he saw him.
Taking the key fob out from his pocket he unlocked the car and opened up the trunk.
"Go sit in the car, I got this," he offered, trying his luck again at helping and held his hand out for Ray to pass him his luggage.
Ray paused, though passed him his things and went to do as he said. Maybe the bit of time away would help him breathe, figure out what to do now that he was home and he had to face Kai now.
He slipped into the passenger seat, fiddling with his hair over his lap quietly as he watched Kai from the rear view mirror.
Thankful that he'd actually let him assist this time, Kai took his bags and lifted them into the trunk before reaching up and bringing the door back down to a firm close. He inhaled deeply before releasing another shaky breath. The thought of going back to the house with Ray was making his feel nauseous. Like his dirty secret was just going to be painted on the front door when they pulled up.
It was going to be fine. He'd hired two maids a few days ago that had completely blitzed the house from top to bottom. The place was spotless.
'Breathe Kai.'
Giving himself a moment he made his way to the driver's side and opened the door to get in. He avoided looking at Ray entirely as he pressed the start-up button, the engine purring as the car came to life, released the hand break and drove away from the airport.
The second they were on the road the silence got thicker between them, yet Ray wasn't sure how to stop it from growing. What kind of fool had he been, to do this to them? To bring this between them the way he had. He had wanted space, not a complete breakup.
"Kai?" His small timid voice called, trying to swallow his nerves to get a hold of himself.
It wasn't like he would know, if he just kept his mouth shut, then everything would be as if nothing happened.
Kai threw a quick glance towards Ray before his eyes went back to the road in front of them. He could almost hear his heart thumping away in his chest now as his own nerves were slowly getting the better of him again, anxious for what Ray's next words were going to be.
"Yeah?"
"I missed you..."
It wasn't a lie, but it tasted like it was.
It took a minute before Ray finally kicked himself hard enough that he reached over, taking up Kai's free hand in his and laced their fingers together before giving his hand a small squeeze.
A wave of relief washed over Kai upon hearing his words and feeling the soft hand now entwined with his.
"You did?" he almost blurted out in disbelief as he stroked his thumb over Ray's hand and gave him another glance.
He didn't mean to sound so surprised but the reception he first received from him in the arrivals lounge had kind of suggested otherwise.
"Of course I did," Ray chuckled slightly.
Was he even allowed to miss him the way he had, after all he had done? On one hand he was conflicted about the whole mess, if he had missed him that much then he would have gone home sooner, before it happened.
On the other hand, he wouldn't have missed him at all if he just hadn't gone.
"Sorry, for earlier... Just a bit stressed still from flying. Screaming kids in my ears."
He tried to keep the silence from coming back, it was a long drive and even longer if they weren't talking.
Hearing Ray laugh brought a small smile to Kai's lips though the permanent feeling of guilt he held now swirled in his stomach.
Ray was fine with him. Absolutely fine. They were fine. He'd had nothing to worry about. But the smile Ray just gave him was the same damn smile he had on the photo on his bed side table which caused a flashback of Tala's face, hovering over his, to then vividly cross his mind.
As long as he just kept his cool and just went on as normal, that night would just become a faded memory and then eventually not a memory at all.
"It's ok," Kai said brushing it off. He then racked his brain for something else to say for he too didn't want the awkward silence to loom over them in such an enclosed space.
"You uh, you hungry or anything? We can stop off somewhere if you want? Anywhere you wanna go."
Ray shook his head, squeezing Kai's hand again.
"I just wanna go home, get in a shower and maybe pass out for a few hours."
Kai nodded, his eyes firmly on the road in front of them. It wasn't an unreasonable request but he kind of wanted to delay the inevitable of going back to the house so soon. If all Ray wanted to do was sleep though he could deal with that. At least he could relax a little away from him and get used to the idea that he was home again now.
"I, missed you too, by the way..." he added, remembering that he hadn't actually said it back to him.
Ray's chest tightened, his breath hitching in his throat. He didn't deserve to be missed, not after what he had done. He squeezed his hand a little tighter, as if Kai was going to just jump out of a moving car and let him crash.
He then cleared his throat a little, "How have you been?"
Kai took a glance down at their hands to check that his hadn't turned blue. He didn't want to say anything though as his mind was now preoccupied with answering Ray's question.
How had he been?
An absolute wreck when he had first left and then apparently a spiteful cheating prick the second his tears had dried, a raging workaholic after that and now just a flustered mess.
He really hoped his next words came out convincing.
"Alright, just, been busy with work and stuff. Y'know what it's like."
Ray made a face, yeah, he did know. That was one of the reasons he left.
What was the point of being home when you were made to feel invisible until it was convenient?
"Take a break today, okay?" he asked hopefully, he didn't know how much more he could ask of him. He wasn't deserving of what he was getting right now and it was eating him alive.
They'd be home soon and hopefully by then he'd have gotten over his conflicting feelings, be able to make things right. It wasn't going to happen again, a one-time slip up, everyone makes mistakes.
Heaven knows he forgave Kai for so many, yet... None of them could ever truly compare to what he had done.
"Maybe after some rest, we can go out to dinner?" he suggested. If it kept Kai from working and make things better he'd suffer waking up early from a nap to go out.
Kai sent him a nod. With Ray being home he had no intentions of doing any work today anyway. But from now on whatever Ray wanted, Ray was going to get.
A bubble bath? He'd run him three.
A massage? He'd hire the best masseuse in the country.
He'd do anything for him, so long as it could shake off even half of the guilt he was feeling right now.
"If you're feeling up to it babe? Whatever you want."
Several more minutes passed of idle conversation and the Mercedes finally pulled up in the driveway. Kai swallowed hard before releasing his seatbelt and opening the car door before turning to Ray.
"I'll get the bags, you go on ahead inside."
Ray gave him a small appreciative smile and did as he was told, "Don't take too long."
Kai returned the smile with a soft one of his own as his eyes took a quick glimpse down at Ray's lips. Pausing for a second he swallowed again before quickly shaking off what instinct almost had him do, got out of the car and walked round the back to the trunk. Ray didn't deserve to have his perfect lips tainted with such filth. He couldn't bring himself to degrade him the way he'd degraded himself each time he'd spent with him.
Ray saw the hesitation, deciding not to push as similar thoughts came to his mind. He didn't deserve Kai's perfect lips right now. He had to rinse his mouth out with bleach first and set fire to the clothes she'd touched.
Stepping out of the car he went up to his home, taking it all in as if it were the first and last time he'd ever seen it.
Kai lifted up the trunk door, pulled out the bags and placed one on the floor to be able to pull the door back down with his free hand. He watched on as Ray stepped up to the door, anxiety danced around his stomach again now as the ridiculous image of Tala being stood on the other side of it ready to greet him played in his mind. His twisted smug smirk plastered on his face.
You're gonna cum again, and this time you're going to look at him.
Why was he torturing himself like this?!
He tried to block out the redhead's words as he stared at the back of Ray's head. Feeling more nauseous the closer he got to the door...
Ray opened it up and walked inside. A small smile crept on his face at the familiar sight and smell of his home. It was usually just him that ever bothered lighting the candles around the place but with the smell of jasmine lingering throughout he could tell that Kai had been making an effort in his absence.
Wandering into the living room his amber eyes continued to take everything in again. Everything was so… tidy? Had Kai even been living here since he'd been gone? He must've practically broken his back making it spotless for his return.
Venturing over to the French doors Ray peered out into the yard. Yep, same as it was when he left it.
Though?
His brows furrowed as he caught sight of a cigarette butt on the paved floor about three feet from the door. Besides his cologne he couldn't smell anything on Kai when he first saw him, and even in the close proximity of the car he didn't get a whiff of tobacco. His strong sense of smell would definitely have alerted him if he'd taken up smoking again whilst he was gone...
He shrugged it off. The wind must have just blown it in from somewhere.
Heading upstairs to shower he sent Kai a small smile as he walked past him and Kai sent his own back, feeling that he could breathe slightly easier now that he was alone.
Carrying the luggage up the stairs he contemplated his own shower as he felt dirtier with every step he took. He pushed the bedroom door open with his foot and edged into the room to not scuff the doorway with the two bulky cases. Placing them both down on the carpeted floor, the lust he'd shared with another man seemed to linger on the walls as his eyes scanned around the vacant bedroom.
He'd actually not stayed in their room since that night and had been sleeping either on the couch or in one of the spare bedrooms. Even after the frantic change of sheets the next day this room just made him feel uncomfortable now.
With the sound of the shower running in the en-suite bathroom the floodgates opened and whether he wanted it or not the flashbacks of the first night with Tala flooded Kai's mind like a tidal wave.
'It aint gonna suck itself.'
Tala had been standing right there, his bare feet on that very section of carpet by the bed with his fingers gripped in his slate hair as he was down on his knees in front of him.
Kai's cheeks started to warm as the scene replayed in his mind and he had to loosen his scarf slightly, it feeling tight around his neck all of a sudden. The only reason he was even wearing it after all this time was due to one of those damn love bites Tala had given him still sitting on his skin. It was hardly there now. The original purple patch barely even noticeable but his conscience deemed it as obvious as the nose on his face.
'Bet his hand could never hold all of you like this...'
Crimson eyes glazed over as he continued to plummet further and further into the fantasy. He hadn't been able to stop thinking about that night since it happened and being all alone with the redhead again in his office last night only refuelled that desire for it to happen again. He could lie and say he tried to resist him but for a second time he'd allowed his anger and upset at Ray take over his better judgement, easily landing him in another precarious situation with the big bad wolf. It was like he'd tried a drug for the first time and instantly became addicted; he craved that same high again.
'Do you want me?'
Kai's teeth subconsciously sunk into his lower lip as he played out the moment Tala had first cum inside him, replaying the sound of the redhead's moans as they echoed in his ears and made the walls shake.
It was then that the sound of the bathroom door opening caused him to jump and look over his shoulder with wide eyes. Quickly shoving the memories away like a teenage boy would a dirty magazine, he tried to steady his breath as Ray's eyes locked with his.
"You... You okay?" Ray asked, taking in Kai's slightly flushed complexion. It wasn't overly hot in the house or the room, not to mention his head snapped so quick around it was as if Kai had forgotten he was even there.
"Y-Yeah, just, brought up the bags for you," Kai quickly blurted out as he gestured towards the luggage on the floor.
"Thanks.." Ray gave him a quick, maybe too quick, of a smile and shuffled his way to the dresser for some clothes. His hair trailing water along the floor behind him, some left over droplets attached to his bare chest and stomach.
Even after the shower, scrubbing at every last inch of him that he could, he didn't feel any better. Could still feel her hands in his hair, her lips on his, and it made his stomach coil.
Kai threw him a nod after he thanked him before his eyes transfixed on the drops of water that still sat on Ray's tanned skin. It instantly reminded him of the same glossy sheen Tala had sported as he was hovering over taking him.
God, someone please dump a bucket of ice water over him he was like a horny teenager!
"You gonna come lay with me?" Ray asked in a broken off tone, digging through the dresser without looking back at him.
It was getting too much, he could feel it, like he was a balloon ready burst from being filled with too much air.
"I, was going to go read downstairs actually and let you rest.. Thought you wanted to get a few hours before dinner?" Kai asked as he watched the back of him.
He needed to get out of this room. Seeing Ray in just a towel was making him writhe, especially after his thoughts from earlier.
Ray nodded back as he slipped out of his towel, hiking his boxers up.
"See if I can at least, after the shower I feel kind of awake now though," he explained, running the towel that been originally around his hips through his still damp hair.
Kai's lips parted as he caught a glimpse of Ray's ass. This was torture. He almost felt like he was suffocating now. So much for keeping his cool. He was an anxious wreck, ike he'd never seen a naked man before. Though, he'd seen one too many now.
"Well, you should rest.. Just give me a shout if you need anything," he said as he turned to leave, making his way towards the door.
"Oh... I thought..." Ray deflated as he watched him start to leave; then again it was only fitting he go lay on their bed by himself.
He didn't deserve him... But, he wanted him.
"You sure you don't wanna stay with me?"
Kai held onto the door, reluctantly stopping in his tracks before tilting his head back into the room. He could tell by Ray's tone that he wanted him to stay, but he wasn't tired in the slightest so he wasn't sure how long he could just lay there for staring at the furniture that knew of his dirty escapade.
He felt trapped, but he had to just swallow that and put Ray's feelings first... for once.
"If you want me to stay, I'll stay."
"I'd like that, you know... Been a while," Ray mumbled, playing with the hair that framed his face and blushing as if he were a school boy.
Bringing himself back into the room Kai caught the warmth on Ray's cheeks and awkwardly avoided his gaze as he crawled on to his side of the bed. He fought with every fibre of his being to suppress the memory of when he was last on it, never feeling so uncomfortable in his life and Ray's blushing only made that worse.
Why was he blushing? He wasn't thinking they were gonna.. ? No. They were just gonna cuddle at most. He couldn't bring himself to do that. Not yet. It wouldn't be right.
His mind would more than likely picture someone else after all...
It took another minute, maybe two, before Ray followed after him. Though it wasn't to his side of the bed, or even under the covers.
Sitting himself right on Kai's waist as his face turned scarlet. He was already on him, but his brain stopped working all of a sudden and he didn't know exactly what the next step was or even should be at this point.
What was he even trying to do? Have Kai ram him into oblivion to null and void out the fact he had done that to Mariah? Thinking about it made his stomach flip and roll in on itself, shaking himself out of it he leant forward quickly and caught Kai's lips with his.
Before Kai could even register what was happening Ray's lips had pressed against his. His eyes widening at the contact as he laid there frozen with him on his waist. His own blush now spread across his cheeks and he tried desperately to steady his now increasing heartbeat, hoping and praying Ray couldn't still taste the redhead on his lips.
Ray pressed in harder at not getting a response, his heart threatening to rip out of him. For some reason, this really did bring back uncomfortable flashbacks to his very first time. It was awkward, could feel the tension with every breath, and with him just sat there with his lips against Kai's, it was like he didn't know what to do beyond that.
After another second of no response he forced himself back up, though stayed where he was sat on Kai's waist, parts of his hair having fallen over his shoulders while the rest seemed to frame him from behind.
"Kai..." he breathed in a pant, still fighting to get a hold of himself.
Kai's eyes locked with Ray's as he dumbly stared up at him.
"Yeah?" he murmured out, the loss of contact allowing his brain to catch up with the present and remember how to function his hands. Immediately he rested them on either side of Ray's bare thighs and caressed his thumbs against them.
His throat went dry as he was able to properly take in the sight before him now.
Ray truly was beautiful. The way his hair effortlessly fell framing his face, and how soft his skin felt under his touch.
"I missed you." It came out as barely a whisper, Ray's skin pricking now that Kai had touched him, leaning back in for hopefully a more proper kiss this time.
Kai knew he didn't deserve him. He never had. He was trying to protect Ray from himself but with him getting closer to his face again he was slowly losing his restraint.
When their lips met again his eyes instantly closed and he sunk into it, his hands trailing up from Ray's thighs to rest on either side of his hips. Their kiss feeling familiar yet strange at the same time. It was soft, almost hesitant. A complete contrast to the vicious and possessive stint he'd endured with Tala.
With him having a taste for such raw animalistic energy though, he wanted more.
He needed more.
Opening his mouth slightly wider Kai pressed his tongue against Ray's teeth begging for entrance and he let him in, healing and breaking at the same time as tears slipped through his closed eyes.
His body trembled at the familiarity and the terrible reminder of what he had done. He couldn't do it, wouldn't do this to him. It wasn't Kai's wrong to right, even if his entire being wanted him something right now his conscious overrode it.
He broke the kiss, though didn't move away from hovering over him.
"I'm sorry..." His lips moved against Kai's as he spoke, the tears coming out harder now. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry Kai."
Kai's eyes flickered as Ray broke the kiss before shooting fully open once he'd realised the precious being on his lap was crying.
Immediately his fair hands cupped Ray's jawline in panic, his thumbs frantically wiping away the falling tears. Did he go too far with him too soon?
"S-Sorry for what? What's wrong Ray? Did I hurt you? I'm sorry," he spewed out, his face contorted now with worry. Both his heart and mind were racing as his eyes darted to every one of Ray's facial features caressing his cheeks as he did so.
What did he do wrong? Did he kiss him differently? Did he kiss him wrong?
Ray bit his lower lip to try and stop it from trembling, why did he have to be so sweet now?
"You... You didn't do anything wrong," he started, pulling away and off of him to where he sat with his back facing Kai on his side of the bed. "But you were right..."
Kai's head followed him as he moved away from him and his eyes narrowed slightly in confusion at his words. He rolled onto his knees and shuffled towards him, placing a hand on his bare shoulder.
"What do you mean?" he softly asked. "Right about what?"
Ray flinched under his touch, his eyes shutting tight as he gripped the sheets at either side of him. "I... We... You weren't there... She was..."
Slate brows furrowed tighter as Kai frantically tried to solve the broken riddle. His heart practically beating out of his chest as he racked his brain, repeating Ray's words in his mind.
I wasn't there.. she was... What was he trying to say here?
She... the only 'she' Ray really associated with was...
It took mere seconds for all expression to completely drain from his face and his hand slowly retracted from the tanned shoulder and fell to his lap. Ruby eyes immediately losing all light within them as his voice spoke out almost deadly.
"... say it Ray."
Ray shook his head, a terrible chill running down his spine.
"It didn't mean anything, would never mean anything! I'm sorry... I.. I don't even know what happened, why I would!"
Silence fell over them as Kai's eye's burned into the back of Ray's head. He had no words. He was still processing what he was even hearing right now.
He knew it. He fucking knew it! The texts. The photos. It was obvious from the beginning Ray had wanted to fuck her but he tried to convince him otherwise.
'She's just a friend.' Ha! Hilarious. He felt an absolute fool! This whole time he'd been sat wallowing feeling guilty when he was out getting his dick wet too!
But... Did he have a right to be mad right now? Upset?
Hell, Kai didn't even know how he should feel right now. He just sat there. And for the first time in his life he wished, that just this once, he could have been wrong.
The silence was worse than any outright verbal lashing that he could have gotten. Ray couldn't take looking him in the face when he told him, but now he couldn't take not looking at him.
Whipping around he couldn't read Kai's expression at the moment, nor did the silence make him any better. Then again, there more than likely wasn't going to be a way to make this better.
"Say something..."
Kai could see in his peripheral vision that Ray had turned to face him but he couldn't bring his gaze up to meet his. He was just staring off at nothing, coming to terms with everything, everything that he'd said. The image of Ray with her dancing through his mind now, taunting him.
Mariah had finally got what she wanted; She'd won.
He shrugged his shoulders as he flatly spoke out, "What is there to say?"
Ray's tear stained face fell as he stared stunned, but Kai was right again, what was there to say? Better yet, what would be the point in staying?
He pulled himself up off the bed, and then just stood there staring at him again.
Dulled crimson eyes blinked to regain their focus before finally deciding to look back at Ray through slate coloured bangs. This feeling in his chest.. It, hurt.
Was this what they called heart break? God, what an awful feeling. But seeing Ray this hurt too, blissfully unaware that he'd done the exact same damn thing, hurt Kai more.
Unlike Ray though he just didn't have the balls to admit what he'd done out loud.
Two wrongs don't usually make a right but maybe in this instance…
"So what now?" Kai asked, his voice low. He genuinely didn't know where they went from here. On paper they were even. So did he just forgive him? Brush it under the rug and move on?
For once, he didn't have all the answers.
"I don't know," Ray answered in that same broken tone he had, not sure himself either.
Why wasn't Kai lashing out at him, screaming for him to pack his things and get out? Or at least rub salt into the open wound and shout out how he was right, had been right all along.
"I meant what I said, it didn't mean anything and I wish I could take it back. But, it happened and I can't change it. So this is your call." He tossed the ball back to Kai's side of the court, even if it made him sweat a little.
Beside the severity of the situation a slight snicker escaped him. He should've known that Ray would turn it back on him. Kai 'Know-It-All' Hiwatari, of course. He was always just expected to know what to do but funnily enough he'd never been in this kind of situation before.
How the fuck was he supposed to know what to do when both parties screw up as bad as they both had?
He was sick of being in control all the damn time! Dictating everybody's next move, being in charge of everything and everyone around him, people just expecting him to have all the damn answers – Yes sir, no sir, three bags fucking full sir!
Who the fuck died and made him king of the world? He never asked for any of this!
"Well I don't fucking know Ray!" he yelled out in his frustration, his voice booming throughout the bedroom. "How about for once you let me know what you fucking want since you've felt the need to lie to my face for God knows how long?"
There it was. Ray would have smiled if it didn't mean possibly getting his teeth knocked out in the process.
"It wasn't my intention to sleep with her when I left, it just... Happened. I'll admit that whilst things have been so bad between us, I thought some feelings for her had resurfaced.. But it was actually just all the love I have for you Kai getting mixed up.. I regret it, but I don't expect you to just forgive me because I know I wouldn't be able to do the same if it were reversed."
Kai's heart, if it was even possible, sank further down his chest. His pissed off demeanour instantly softening as he replayed what Ray had just uttered.
'I wouldn't be able to do the same if it were reversed.'
If it wasn't decided before, those last words had just decided it for him. Ray admitting just now that he wouldn't be able to forgive him made him swallow down any form of confession that even dared to try sneak from his throat.
He couldn't find out about Tala. He just couldn't.
"So why do you regret it?" he then asked genuinely curious for the answer, like it'd make any difference to the situation. "She not as good as you remembered?" He added with a slight bite returning to his tone.
Ray gave him a dumb look, of all the things to ask.
"Because I don't love her, I love you! You moron. It just happened, I can't even begin to explain how but it did!" He went off in a higher pitch.
Kai scoffed.
Love. That's rich.
Pretty sure rule #1 of 'being in love' was you don't do shit like this to each other.
Hell, he of all people was no expert on the subject but even he knew that.
Kai rubbed a hand down his face and sighed, easing himself off of his knees and turning to his side of the bed to sit on the edge, his back now to Ray as he held his head in his hands, his elbows resting on his knees.
Ray shifted where he stood. This whole thing was a mess, he knew that, but the way Kai was acting about it all was starting to really unnerve him. One quip about how well he got laid and that was it?
Surely it couldn't be...
"You asked me what I wanted, and I want to stay with you because I do love you Kai, even if my actions speak differently. But I'll completely understand if you want me gone, so say something please!"
Kai was dying on the inside. The last thing he wanted was for him to go. He'd already left him once and look what he'd done within the first few hours of him being out the door.
He was nothing but a monster and Ray was practically begging for his forgiveness. Every time Ray said he loved him it just stung his chest. He didn't deserve his love. Sure what Ray did was wrong but he'd practically pushed him into Mariah's arms.
Could he really blame him for that?
She was this big bundle of joy and he was just.. him. Like Ray said he wasn't there.. She was. She was there for him. Always had been there for him. When it should have been him. But he wasn't. He was too busy working or getting on his knees for someone else.
Kai stood up from the bed. He couldn't be in this room anymore, he needed some air.
"Just do what you want Ray..." he tiredly sighed out, heading straight for the door and stepping out of it.
Ray stood as stiff as a board as the bedroom door closed, the room seeming to stretch out from under him bigger than what it was as it began to tilt sideways and he roughly sat back down before he collapsed on the floor.
What just happened? How were they going to get past this?
Despite telling Kai, the guilt was still there clinging to him and perhaps it always would.