Chapter 17 – And how does that make you feel?
With light knock on his office door Kai broke off his gaze from the computer screen in front of him and looked over his shoulder to see Ray easing himself into the room with his hands wrapped around a fresh mug of coffee.
After last night's ordeal he wasn't expecting those golden eyes to ever look at him again, so for Ray to approach him like this with a clear olive branch clutched between his tanned fingers it would appear he wasn't that mad with him after all.
"Morning.. You been up long?" Ray asked with a small smile, pushing the first empty mug Kai had made himself this morning out of the way and placed the fresh cup down on the desk.
Kai shrugged some, a little sheepish.
"Maybe around an hour or something?"
Ray rest his arms on Kai's shoulders as he stood behind his desk chair and leant over to hug him from behind, both of their cheeks touching as he peered at what he was doing on the computer.
He could never understand what was going on half the time on the screen when Kai was working so didn't even attempt to try anymore but he just wanted to be around him right now.
He felt like he'd been just a little over dramatic last night going off to shower in a huff. The wine having definitely exacerbated his disappointment; he really didn't mean to storm off like that.
Though he was sure Kai hadn't really taken it to heart as he was passed out, sound asleep by the time he got back to the bedroom.
When he was alone in the shower with his thoughts, the warm water sobering him up some, Ray figured that since it had been a while for the two of them, it was only natural that Kai had lost some of his stamina.
In his defence, there was bound to be a few hiccups along the way of them rekindling and getting back to normal; Being a guy, that was just unfortunately one of them. It wasn't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.
Kai reached over and lifted the coffee Ray had brought him up to his lips, giving a soft 'thanks' on the ceramic rim as he took a small sip and leant back into his touch a little.
This was nice.
The closeness.
The warmth of Ray's chest against his back and how safe he felt wrapped in his arms right now in the comfortable silence..
How-
"-Can we talk?" Ray then softly asked.
Fuck.
Taking another sip of his coffee Kai gave him a small nod before clearing his throat and placing the cup back down on to his desk.
He should've known this was coming; and it was the least he could do he guessed. Though, he wasn't really sure what to even say to Ray right now.
He felt awkward as hell over last night's events. Embarrassed even.
Not just at his shocking performance.
All of it.
The whole dinner, the sexually frustrated drive home, the horny race up the stairs and then one pathetic fireworks display.
God he'd pay anything to just erase the past 24 hours. Every cent he owned for every second.
Especially all that with Tala.
How could he have let himself fall into that trap again?
He was beginning to sound like a broken record, so much so he was even starting to piss himself off with it all.
Saying he was done but then the second he locked with those icy blues losing all of his restraint.
He loved Ray. Adored him in fact, and with him wrapped round him now it almost felt like they were back to how they were a few months back.
Before they'd started to grow distant, before he'd left for China and before he had royally fucked up with the damn landscaper.
He was done. For real this time. So much so he'd deleted Tala's number, again, this morning when he'd woken up and had started to research vacation spots on the computer.
Maybe some alone time, just for the two of them would help mend this mess between them?
Ray then started to speak but paused for a moment almost like his memory had just been jogged and sent Kai a look.
"So, - Wait, didn't you say you had some meeting this morning?"
Kai's lips parted to respond before slowly coming to a close when he remembered he did in fact say that at the dinner table last night. He didn't think Ray would have remembered that though considering how drunk he was.
"Yeahhh, about that.."
Ray straightened himself up, retracting his arms back and placed his hands on his hips, an unimpressed expression sitting on his face as he looked down at him.
"So you lied... We just rudely up and left the date for no reason at all.. I fucking knew it."
Kai rubbed a hand down his face.
"I already told you Ray that I didn't want to go in the first place.. You know I hate new people, and putting on a show. I do enough of it at work, I'd had enough of all the pleasantries and just wanted to leave."
Ray tutted.
"You were barely even at the table Kai, you ate half your food then high tailed it with.. with.." He stuttered as he tried to recall what that guy's god forsaken name was.
Why the hell was it so hard to remember?
"Fuckin' Todd or Troy or, whatever his damn name is."
Kai took in a breath to steady his heart some as the mention of all this again was making him feel uneasy.
"I didn't stay with him." He blurted out at the accusation before quickly thinking on the spot. "I just, showed him where the bathroom was, and then I stepped outside for some air...I needed a breather, that's it. Hell knows why he took so long to reappear.. Wasn't anything to do with me."
Ray cocked a dark brow.
"For half an hour?" He asked, clearly unconvinced. "You were just stood outside the entire time?"
"Yes Ray." Kai stated in a firm tone though his nerves were starting to show now.
It was clear Ray wasn't believing any of the tale he'd just pulled out of his ass as half an hour just stood outside a restaurant was a little long even for an infamous brooder such as himself.
Golden eyes then narrowed.
He could think of one reason why anyone would be stood outside for a length of time.. and it would also explain why he found that cigarette butt in the garden back when he'd returned from China.
"Do you smoke Kai?" Ray then quickly asked in an accusatory tone.
Kai sent him a frown as if to suggest he'd asked the most ridiculous question in the world.
That was random but it was an easy question to answer at least.
"No Ray, I don't." Those words coming out of him the most confident since this whole conversation started.
Kai then spoke to him a little softer, something within him deciding on giving him some truth to this story.
"Ok look, we may have spoken a little bit too. Just about, general shit, I don't know.. But then he went in one door and I went out another." He reeled off, hoping Ray would just drop this.
Ray gave him a small nod as he accepted his answer. Though, more of the puzzle would have been solved if Kai had just admitted to the smoking.
He didn't say barely two words to the redhead whilst they were all sat at the table together so how could the conversation have suddenly flowed out of the pair of them the second they stepped up from it.
Odd..
"Well, regardless, we need to talk about us Kai." Ray started again, brushing off the whole topic of the worst double date in history. The only couple who mattered right now were them.
"Come on, you can work later, let's just concentrate on us for a second."
Turning him around in his chair, Kai's back now to the computer, Ray held out his hand to him and after a moment Kai took it.
Ray was right, they needed to focus all their energy on them right now. They needed to clear the air.
Easing up from his chair he followed behind Ray who led him out of the office, all the way down the stairs, through their living room and out into their backyard through the French doors.
Even though Summer was slowly coming to an end, it was still a fairly warm morning and the two of them walked out barefoot over the grass to the swing bench hanging from a wooden canopy in the far left by the water fountain.
Ray kicked his feet some, getting the bench going slowly once they'd both sat down, hands clasped over his lap, shoulder to shoulder with Kai as he stared ahead at the water slowly falling around the rim of the fountain.
In a way, the whole scene was rather soothing. Peaceful even. A stark contrast to their lives currently.
Yet through everything going on in his head, what he could say, what he couldn't say. Things he should have said and the things he shouldn't have said. The quiet was better, for now, just for the extra bit of peace.
No matter which way they looked, this wasn't going to be easy. It was just a matter of how stubborn they both were to keep hold of what little of their relationship they had now.
Carefully, Ray lowered his head onto Kai's shoulder. Keeping the slow momentum of the swing going as he kicked his feet and took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
The moment Ray's head relaxed onto his shoulder Kai tilted his own head and nestled his cheek into soft black locks. He knew Ray had brought him out here to talk but it was clear the both of them were just enjoying being in each others company right now. It had been a while to say the least that the two had just been like this.
No one else, no books, no phones, no distractions - just them.
"What do you have to do tomorrow?" Ray finally asked, breaking the silence between them.
As much as he enjoyed it, making plans and getting their feet moving forward with one another seemed like the best step possible at this point.
They didn't need to be in each others space 24/7, but it needed to be more than what they currently had or had been doing.
"Not a great deal." Kai answered after a moments thought. "I'll have to swing by the office at some point to check on things from the weekend but apart from that, nothing. You have something in mind?"
He stroked his thumb over Ray's hand as he gazed down at it currently entwined with his.
Ray shrugged a little, he really didn't have anything in mind per se, but anything was better than nothing.
"Can we be lazy sacks of shit when you get back? Order take out or something and just watch movies and TV? I really have nothing else planned tomorrow myself, just need to clean the house a bit."
A small smile crept on Kai's face.
He couldn't remember the last time he'd just lounged around the house like a 'lazy sack of shit' as Ray had described. It wasn't usually something he did, always needing to be doing something to occupy himself with, though once in a while he didn't mind it.
"Fine by me. I can pick something up on my way home." He suggested, before his smile fell a little.
He was surprised Ray was even wanting to spend the day with him. It had been so long and after everything that's happened between them.. would it just be weird? What would they even talk about?
"Sounds good. Surprise me though, get whatever you want." Ray said in a slightly perkier voice than before.
For now it seemed like a weight was coming off his shoulders and his chest, even if this was just one minor step it was still a step.
Kai just nodded before his gaze lifted up from their hands to the entirety of the garden.
This fucking yard.. Where it all started.
Kai hadn't actually spent any time in it since it got completed several weeks ago as he just associated the whole thing with Tala. He couldn't look at that section of grass without envisioning him digging there once, or that corner of stones without remembering him lifting them all up, his shirt riding up with it and arranging them to match the designs he'd drawn with skilled hands.
As peaceful as the whole scenery was, it was an odd feeling being sat out here, and gave him a slight bitter taste.
With Kai going quiet beside him, Ray followed suit. Picking up the speed in which they were rocking, letting his legs and feet kick out harder before pulling them back in.
"Ya know, at least Timothy did a decent job out here." He said a bit mindlessly, the bench near enough rocking with how hard he had them swinging now.
Kai just hummed in agreement, the grip on Ray's hand subconsciously tightening. He'd never given it much thought before but he was pretty thankful that the redhead's actual name hadn't once technically passed Ray's lips. Unlike the many times it had come out of his..
He was quite envious of the male beside him in all honesty. If only he could as easily forget a name.
"Let's.. go back inside shall we? Kinda cold.." He lied, setting his feet down on the grass to stop the rocking and eased himself up from the bench, his hand still holding on to Ray's.
"Okay." Ray blinked a little though got up to follow.
Not letting Kai's hand go as they made it back into the house, he paused in the doorway and took a final look back outside as he worried his bottom lip between his teeth.
"Hey so... I actually saw a cigarette butt out there a bit ago. If you smoke Kai that's fine, just, be honest with me about it. Okay?"
Kai looked over his shoulder back to him, his brows furrowed some. This again?
"I don't smoke Ray, how many times?" He sighed out a little in frustration. "If I did, don't you think I'd-" His voice trailed off like someone had just switched off the light in his head.
Ray blinked again, watching and waiting to see if the lights would kick back on in Kai's head though realized nobody was home now.
"..You'd tell me.. I know.." He guessed that was where Kai was going with his sentence. "Probably just blew in from somewhere then. It's fine. Sorry I keep asking." He quickly waved off with a small, almost, nervous chuckle.
"Want anything to drink?" He then asked in a weird tone, tugging Kai's hand a little as he stepped for the kitchen.
Kai swallowed, his throat had gone a little dry.
"Uhm.. sure.." He replied once his system had been rebooted and let Ray lead him into the kitchen.
Letting go of his hand, Ray head over to make some tea as Kai lent against one of the counters and loosely folded his arms over his chest with his gaze low.
The damn cigarette.
Now it made sense why Ray kept going on about it. He knew exactly where it'd come from, watched the very action in fact but didn't think anything of it as those fair fingers had flicked it out without a care the morning after.
No matter how much he tried to erase all memory of him, Tala still managed to find some way to stick around. How was he meant to forget and pretend it never happened when some dark force kept trying to fuck with him like this!
"So, we talked about tomorrow. But what do we want for dinner tonight?" Ray asked as he threw open their fridge door.
The whole thing was stocked but he didn't have a clue on what to eat, or even if he actually wanted to eat anything.
Kai's gaze lifted up from the floor to the head of dark hair peering in the fridge, the sound of the door opening in front of him catching his attention. Did Ray say something? He presumed it had something to do with food.
He automatically shrugged a shoulder though with Ray's back to him it went unseen, so reiterated it with an almost childlike 'I dunno' hum in his throat.
Ray let out a breath, neither did he dammit. Could they do take out twice? Was that okay? Hadn't done that before, but if he couldn't think of anything to make then that was the better option than starving.
"Figure it out later." He shrugged and shut the door, heading back to the stove and the kettle for their tea.
Kai shifted some though remained in his spot against the counter. God this was awkward.
Why was it so awkward between them?! Did Ray feel the same or was it just him?
He didn't even know what to say to Ray anymore. Not that he was a huge conversationalist but he usually had some words to utter at least.
With the water boiled Ray poured the tea and handed one of the cups to Kai who took it and sent him a half smile before just looking down into it, his expression seeming down, lost even.
Holding his own cup, Ray just stood there in front of him. Kai didn't even seem to realize that he hadn't moved or that he was even looking at him still.
Again, his head was racing with thousands of things to say while also things he shouldn't say.
They both had a hand to play in their downfall here, his more than Kai's at this point, which meant it was more of his mess to clean up than it was Kai's.
"I'm sorry."
Once again Kai's thoughts had wandered. Whilst he was here in person, seemingly very calm and tranquil, his mind was racing, and his senses muted.
What could he do to fix this? Could Ray do anything to fix this? Hell, could they even fix this?
He'd been looking up vacation spots on the computer this morning, but what good was a change of scenery if the atmosphere between them would still be the same?
He looked up, his vacant crimson eyes locking with gold before he blinked, the life coming back to them.
"Hn?"
"I'm sorry. I know I keep saying it, and at this point I'm sure it doesn't even mean anything.. But I do mean it Kai." Ray answered without missing a beat, body so stiff he was sure if Kai tapped him he'd fall over like a tree.
"Sorry for what?" Kai asked almost dumbly, though once the words had passed his lips he realised what Ray was referring to. "Oh.. that.." he mumbled out as he continued.
He knew he was sorry. Knew that he was desperately trying to fix this between them but like him it would seem Ray didn't know what to do either.
"The only one who should be apologising is me.."
Ray arched a brow at him, mind working overtime to figure out what Kai had to really apologize for here at this point in time.
Yeah, he hurt him, scared him even, but in the end it hadn't been that grave of an offense. Not like the one he had committed.
"Got an idea. Tell me what you think, okay?" He started, perking back up slightly.
"No more apologies, for either of us. We can either move forward or keep moving back, so if we want to move forward then that's what we need to do. How, I'm not sure yet. But I was thinking, why don't we try therapy? If that's something you're comfortable with doing.."
Kai made a face at the word.
Therapy? Really? He'd already had his fair share of counsellors, shrinks and therapists growing up.
Did he really want to step foot into another one of those beige rooms where some random analysed his every word? Tried to figure him out? Tried to figure them out?
It was no one's business what went on between them, but maybe Ray was right..
Whilst Kai had always had an issue with admitting when things were less than perfect and that he was struggling with something, he was willing, for once in his life, to accept any help he could get with this.
Though..
"I don't know Ray.." he said with clear unease and shifted even more so when amber eyes seemed to dull a little in disappointment. ".. Do you think it'd help?"
"I don't know." Ray admitted, "But at this point what do we really have to lose?"
Kai broke off his gaze from him as he thought about it some more.
He had a point. They really didn't have anything to lose here.. Was just his pride getting in the way with this one.
Swallowing it down he sighed a little before speaking quickly now before he changed his mind.
"Right I'll leave it to you then to sort out. Just let me know when and where."
Ray graced him and his answer with a small smile and nod. Putting a hand on Kai's shoulder he lent up and pecked him on the cheek before taking himself out of the kitchen, still not sure what the hell to do beyond that but felt like this may be what they needed after all.
Kai sighed again once Ray had left the kitchen and rubbed his hands over his face.
After the last time he hired someone no way was he going to be in charge of this. Ray can choose the therapist and deem them appropriate or not. The ball was completely in his court now.
Let's just hope it works..
x-x-x
Turning off the engine Kai peered out the driver's side window at the tall stone building they'd parked up beside.
Well this was the place, no turning back now. Though he wasn't going to rush in having stalled for the entire morning already.
He couldn't decide what shirt to wear for starters, he then leisurely drank his black coffee, they obviously needed to get some gas too and they'd conveniently hit every red light heading into town.. What a shame..
Unhooking his belt, Ray paused slightly when he caught Kai's hesitation and gave him what he hoped was an encouraging smile. It probably fell flat, but it was the meaning behind it; that they were both trying now.
"Ready?" It was a stupid question, why he felt the need to ask it he didn't even know, but the silence had been killing him since they woke up.
Kai gave him a nod though was far from ready. All the time in the world wouldn't have prepared him for what they were about to endure; what they were willingly subjecting themselves to. But it wasn't like he'd come up with any ideas of his own on how to resolve all of this.
Unclipping his own seatbelt the two of them eased themselves out the car before heading into the building through the glass doors.
"Least it smells good, right?" Ray chuckled lightly. The moment they had stepped inside they were hit with the smell of something fruity in the air, probably an air-freshener to help calm people down, though really it made him hungry.
Kai sent him a look before a small smile crept on his face. Weirdo..
"Good morning gentlemen do you have an appointment with us today?" A young blonde woman politely asked from behind the reception desk looking between the two of them.
"We do." Ray answered with a more on-point smile, "Hiwatari."
Tapping away on her keyboard to retrieve the appointment she too sent back her own smile once the computer had said yes.
"Take a seat gentlemen, help yourself to some refreshments." She then gestured over to the table in the far right of the room that had an array of teas, coffees and a jug of iced water with a few lemon slices floating in it.
"Thank you." Ray went off to get himself some water, planting himself down soon after beside Kai as they were subjected to listening to cheesy elevator music.
Kai bounced his leg some as they sat waiting in the reception.
He couldn't stand waiting. Just meant he had longer to be with his own thoughts and to potentially high tail it out of here.
He gazed around, becoming familiar with the surroundings.
This place seemed a whole lot more modern than any of the other establishments he'd been to of this nature.
Shiny marble flooring, abstract artwork on the walls.
Whoever this guy was he knew about interior design.
"Hiwatari?" Came a confident female voice from a door opposite.
Ray was up on his feet, small paper cup in one hand and with his free one had pat Kai on the knee to make sure he followed though still waited for him to actually get up.
Kai took in a breath before reluctantly easing himself to stand, a sigh escaping through his nose.
Let's get this over with then..
Once in the room, with it's own fruity and 'calming' smell, they were sat beside each other in separate chairs with the therapist across from them.
She was aged, late fifties or so, but smartly dressed and short grey to white hair. She could have easily been either of their grandmother, which finally made Ray's nerves seize up a little.
Was it too late to back out now?
The woman cleared her throat some, clipboard over her lap as she smiled kindly at the two clearly nervous men across from her.
"Hello, my name is Dr. Lange. Can I get your names just for record?" She asked politely with her pen at the ready.
"Ray."
"You're the one that set up this appointment, correct?" Lange cut over him.
"Yes ma'am." Ray's voice came out a little shaky, especially when she turned her eyes to Kai.
"Was this a joint effort, or have you been brought here against your will?" She questioned, though Ray couldn't tell if she was joking or being serious.
Whilst Kai's first thought was definitely the latter he wasn't sure if this was the place for any light humour. He didn't want Doc over here to assume anything negative of Ray like he was controlling and had dragged him here when he didn't want to.. Or that he was the only one who cared about this enough since he made the appointment or...
God he'd been in here twenty seconds and he was already second guessing everything!
"It was a joint effort." Kai decided on, adopting his firm businessman facade. It wasn't a complete lie..
"Good." The doctor chirped as she scribbled some stuff down, "And what's your name?"
"Kai." He stated, before swallowing.
What was she writing down? It'd been forty-five seconds now and she'd already written a whole load of stuff on that damn clipboard. He pressed his lips together. This was going to be the longest hour of his life.
"So, tell me a bit about yourself Kai. What do you do for work?"
He blinked as he thought of how to word this without coming across as a complete ass.
He hated talking about what he did knowing there was a very fine line between being proud of one's achievements and arrogance. He often chose to down play it all with strangers, never wanting to give off the wrong impression and have people think he was just some rich snob.
"I uh, work for a manufacturing company." He threw out in a blasé tone, hoping she'd be satisfied with that answer.
"He actually owns the company." Ray chirped in, the small smile on his face beaming with pride before quickly falling off his face the second crimson eyes glared over at him.
"Oh? How do you like it?" The doctor inquired some more, unfazed by either response entirely.
Kai just shrugged.
"S'alright I guess... Busy.."
Why was she just focusing on him? What did this have to do with them?
Ray sipped at his water, eyes darting from the doctor to Kai every now and then. The same thoughts Kai had going through his own head, then again figured she was just trying to get to know them better so shrugged it all off for now.
"Do you do anything outside of work? For fun?" The doctor continued with her game of twenty questions, still solely fixated on Kai.
"Uhm." He racked his brain knowing of an answer to give but was once again worried of what impression it would send the woman behind the desk.
Sure. He likes to blow thousands on roulette and poker.. he's partial to a whiskey or nine..
"I go to the gym and read, some." He settled on.
"You look the kind to enjoy a good book every now and then." The doctor commented, jotting something else down quickly before locking eyes with her prey again.
"Given all this, from work to your hobbies, how often in a day would you say you have time for your partner?"
Kai instantly tensed.
So that's where she was going with all this.
He turned to look at Ray before looking back at the doctor and sighing out.
"Not enough clearly.."
Ray let out a small snort as he sipped his water again.
Clearly.
The doctor nodded, jotting something else down before turning to her next victim.
"And what about you, Ray? What do you do for work, your hobbies?"
"I work in a restaurant. Though sometimes my schedule gets tight depending on who has booked a special occasion or if we're short staffed. Can't really say I have many hobbies, too tired to have anything really. Most days off I just keep the house clean and watch TV when I can. Sometimes I'll stop and hit the gym, but haven't done that in months."
Her grey eyes narrowed a little as she jotted more notes down on her clipboard.
"Is it mainly yourself that does the household chores Ray would you say, or are they distributed fairly evenly between yourselves?"
"Depends. If he's not home then he can't really do them, so I just do what needs to be done. When he is home he helps as much as he can, but by then there's not a whole lot to do. And as much as I appreciate the help, I'd rather do it myself." He answered rather quickly, as if he had rehearsed that in his head before.
Kai shifted himself a little again in his seat at the conversation being a blatant dig at him though was been spoken like he wasn't there.
Whilst Ray had just obviously tried to defend him there, no, he didn't do much at all in the house in regards of chores, because as Ray had just said 'when he's home' insinuated he hardly was.
Maybe he could help a little more.. though, as Ray just said he'd rather do it himself.. but was he just saying that to save his ass with this woman who seemed to be glaring over at him now?
"So, given this bit of info already. It seems you two aren't really together a whole lot inside and outside the home." The doctor stated more than questioned, "I normally like to wait to get to the nitty and grittier parts. But how is your sex life looking?"
Ray about choked on his water that he had gone back to sipping. He had expected that, but not so soon!
Kai brought the hand that'd been sat on the arm rest up to his face, hiding behind it as much as he could.
Someone just kill him now.
He was not going to go down this route of conversation with someone as old as his grandfather. The hell did she know about sex anyway! He internally shivered at the thought.
"It's fine." He blurted out, not meaning for there to be as much bite to his tone as there was.
"That's an understatement." Ray said around the rim of his cup once he had stopped hacking a lung on the water that had shot down there earlier.
The doctor looked rather intrigued now, so much that she shifted a little in her chair like she was sitting on the edge of her seat.
"It's been about two months since we've been intimate." Ray continued. "We tried a few nights ago but it wasn't like it normally is, which is understandable given how long it's been. But, before that, it's been pretty much non-existent between us.
'And why's that Ray?'
The words dipped in poison were on the tip of Kai's tongue though he bit down and swallowed them back down his throat.
They were meant to be moving forward here and throwing some remark out there like that was only going to send them two steps back.
By god it was tempting though..
He chose to stay silent. A mixture of annoyance and embarrassment mixing within him now and sat slumped in his chair, his fist rested on his cheek.
How could he just admit all that out loud to a complete stranger?!
"You keep saying between us. Are you in an open relationship?" The doctor asked with a clear confused expression on her aged and weathered face.
"No." Ray answered quickly, tracing the rim of the paper cup as he sat in his lap. "But.. I did sleep with my ex a few weeks ago." He admitted, clear shame and guilt in his tone as he focused on the carpet below his feet.
There it was.
Kai didn't know how to feel having heard it for a second time now.
He dared to glance over to Dr Lange who's eyes were already on him.
"I'm guessing that this is the main reason as to why you're both here today?"
"More or less." Ray answered with a half-hearted shrug, "Make it clear though, I didn't cheat because of the lack of intimacy between us."
"Then why did you cheat Ray?" She queried without hesitation, her pen hovering over her clipboard as her steel eyes locked on to him.
Even Kai turned his head completely to his left to watch. If he didn't feel like he was about to throw his guts up with nausea he'd love some popcorn right now.
Ray kept his focus on his cup despite the eyes on him, his grip tightening slightly as he thought about it. Thought about how and why it happened, why he let it happen.
He already said it wasn't because of the lack of intimacy between him and Kai, but maybe that was part of it.
Mariah had said she loved him, part of him felt that he would always love her too. He thought he had moved on, had tried to move on and wanted to stay where he was now more than anything.
So why?
"To be honest. I'm not even sure now. She was just... There." He finally answered without looking up.
"I see.." Was the plain response, neither her tone nor her expression giving anything away as she jotted something down, though didn't glance down at the paper, just kept her eyes focused on Ray.
"I'm sorry for asking this next question Kai," She continued, sending a look in his direction though like a robot there was no warmth to her apology at all. "I can appreciate how the answer may be upsetting however it's something I need to ask if we're hoping to move forward with this.. it's also important that you're completely honest with your response Ray...
Do you still have feelings for this ex of yours?"
Ray looked up with the familiar sting of tears in his eyes, keeping his focus on her more than Kai beside him even though all he wanted to do was look at him and apologize over and over to him for doing this to them.
"...I think I always will." He answered in a hard breath, "We grew up with one another, what we had was good for a long time until it was just mutually better to move on. I thought I had, I want to, and if given the chance to go back, I know I wouldn't. So I don't... I don't really know why I did."
Even with the tears starting to trickle down Ray's tanned cheeks Kai's jaw had clenched and his breathing had become unsteady.
He then turned away from him sending Dr Lange a look before clearing his throat and standing up from his chair.
She was right, the answer was upsetting.
"Excuse me." Was all he said before walking out of the room.
Ray's grip on the cup in his hold tightened to the point the plastic began to crinkle between his hands, trying to fight back the shaking that started up in his arms and entire back as the door to the room closed.
What had he done?
With another deep breath Kai head towards the refreshments table and poured himself a cup of water before heading outside the glass entrance for some air, ignoring the blonde receptionist completely who had sent him a warm smile.
He wouldn't mind a cigarette right now actually.
Taking a glance down to his water he took a sip; or something stronger to drink.
He didn't know what to think with this anymore now. It's like they'd taken a step forward but was then launched three steps back with that.
Today was meant to fix them, or at least make a start towards that at least. But with him out here and Ray back in there practically declaring is undying love for Mariah what hope did they fucking have?
It seemed irreparable and Ray wasn't even aware about what he'd done to them.
Imagine if he found out..
"Are you okay?" Lange asked as Ray wiped at his tears still running down his face.
Ray shook his head, he wasn't okay. They weren't okay. Why was love so fucking difficult?!
"Just take a moment then. We can keep going, just you and me, or we can wait for Kai to return if you'd like." She offered in a gentle voice as the young man kept breaking down in front of her.
"Keep going." He answered through a broken voice, fighting with getting a hold of himself.
She nodded to him though with Ray's blurry gaze down low it was missed, before settling back into her chair.
"Very well.." she started, her pen resting over her clipboard. "Do you remember how Kai first reacted to the news of your infidelity?"
A small laugh came out of his throat as he nodded, "Was angry, upset and rightfully so. We haven't been the same since, but he didn't break up with me... Why I'm still not really sure, I would have if it were reversed. But, I'm happy he hasn't. That he's willing to try and work past this with me."
"How was he exactly though, can you remember?" She pressed, looking directly at him and tilting her head a little.
"You said he was angry and upset, but try to explain that a little more to me.. Did he cry for instance? In regards of the anger did he lash out verbally or even physically? Help me paint a picture here because from what I've seen of your partner thus far he's quite.. guarded with his emotions shall we say. Think back again to the moment he found out."
Feeling like it was the only thing he could do right now, Ray just nodded back as he sat there and went back to that night.
"He didn't cry, he's, not really that way inclined.. He asked me 'what now?' and I didn't have an answer for him, how can you answer something like that? So he finally did yell at me, wanting to know what I wanted... But again, I just didn't have an answer for him." He shrugged his shoulders some before running a hand through his hair with a sigh.
"I told him what I've already said, that it just happened and I don't know why it had. But that I regret it, I really do and he asked why. Told him it was because I love him, he kind of scoffed and then turned his back to me. That night we slept apart, have been since a few nights ago but things are stuck right now. Like neither of us know where to step or how to keep moving forward."
"I see.." Lange's brows furrowed in thought as she wrote down a few notes on Kai's behaviour from the night in question. Whilst in all of her experience as a couple's therapist she'd indeed come across many reactions to infidelity, this one however was somewhat new.
To allow the guilty party to be in complete control of the situation afterwards, whilst it isn't completely unheard of, it usually only occurs in relationships of a volatile nature. Both physical and mental abuse present. She'd only been with these two for around half an hour or so but felt she could definitely rule any major toxicity out.
No, there was only one reason why the victim would relinquish control like this and that would be if the victim wasn't all that innocent themselves..
There was an almost timid knock on the door after Ray had fallen silent, and after Dr Lange called for them to come in two toned slate hair reappeared back into the room.
"Ah, thank you for coming back in Kai, take a seat, make yourself comfortable."
Turning over her sheet of paper she wrote down on the fresh side further notes on what Ray had just said to her before glancing back up to him.
"What I want to try now actually is allow Kai to have some one on one if that's okay with you Ray?"
"Of course." Ray said without hesitation, picking himself and his crinkled cup out of the chair and left with a small look back at Kai before disappearing out of the door.
Kai had kept his gaze low as Ray stood up to leave and once the door had come to a close dared to look up at the steel grey eyes that had fixed upon him now from across the desk.
Could he ask what they'd spoken about once he'd left? Did he even want to know?
He figured he'd just stay quiet until he was spoken to.
"How're you feeling?" Lange asked, knowing this was probably a little hard for both of them, but now her concern was on the young man who probably had his heart ripped out and torn to shreds.
He just shrugged his shoulders, almost childlike.
How was he supposed to feel right now? Whilst Ray had said during his confession to him several weeks ago that it hadn't meant anything, for him to now say he'll always have feelings for Mariah, it had to have meant something right?
"Never better." He dully added.
"If you want to get anything off your chest, this is the time and place to do it." She encouraged.
There was more to this story she could tell. But she wasn't going to jump to conclusions based on an inkling.
Kai broke off from her gaze that remained locked on him.
Oh there was a whole bucket load he wouldn't mind getting off his chest but his lips stayed firmly pressed together.
He couldn't admit to anything he'd done out loud because he'd already convinced himself that what happened with Tala was done, it was in the past now and it didn't need to be brought back up again. That was a problem he'd dealt with himself and didn't need any help or, therapy, for.
None of what he did, none of that was affecting their relationship because it was all just his dirty secret. Wasn't even a factor in any of this.
Wasn't like he was in love with guy, it all just happened and that was it. It was done.
"I'm good." He plainly replied with a small head shake.
"Well then..." Lange seemed to sigh as she sat back, "What would you like to talk about then? What're your plans in helping this relationship to move forward, if that's even something you want to do? How long have you two been together?"
Kai thought for a moment, back to when they'd decided to become 'official' at long last.
It was debatable as to when he and Ray had actually got together as the two had been going on dates and sleeping together for a good few months before admitting to being serious.
That conversation had happened one night when they'd just been out for dinner. Was that French restaurant actually just on the outskirts of town. Pierre had sat them in the quietest spot in the place at Kai's request and the two of them had spent all evening reminiscing, drinking wine and eating good food.
Once dessert came, a chocolate cheesecake shared between them, Kai had suddenly gone real quiet as he let Ray have the final bite.
Ray had noticed the shift in him and with the fork still in his mouth asked if everything was alright. Kai nodded and sent him a warm smile before starting with 'So I've been thinking..'
"Going on three years?" He finally replied with a frown not being a hundred per cent sure. "As for plans on fixing it I don't know, that's why we're here.. All I know is that I can't imagine myself being with anyone else so don't want to just throw it all away."
"Well, that's a good start." She liked that answer, it seemed genuine. "Would you say he feels the same, despite what's happened?"
Kai felt a little torn with that one. He'd thought that originally considering all Ray had tried to do since it had come to light, but if he still felt he had some attachment to her then he didn't understand all the effort with him.
"Well doing this was his idea so.." He dared to glance up at grey eyes. "I guess he does?"
The doctor scribbled some more, looking over her notes and up at him again before back down to her notes.
"Then what are your plans on fixing this?" She asked as she locked eyes with him.
A slate brow rose.
"Well I'm here too aren't I?"
"Yes, but that's just one step. One step that was also his idea. So, what are your plans?" The doctor stressed as she kept their gaze locked.
Kai pressed his lips together again and swallowed breaking the eye contact once more.
He was starting to dislike this lady's tone pressing for an answer he didn't have. He was just planning on going with the flow with all this. If he knew he was going to have to do all the work why was he paying her two hundred an hour?!
"Was sorta hoping you'd be assisting with that.."
"I can't do everything. Once you step foot out those doors, it's in your hands again." She said in a slightly amused voice, lacing her fingers over the top of her clipboard and sitting back into her chair.
"I know something like this isn't always easy to get over, sometimes people never do. So my next question is, do you forgive him for what he did?"
Kai took in a deep breath before releasing the sigh through his nose.
Did he forgive him...
Well he was still around wasn't he? That had to count for something..
"I.. don't know.." he paused for a moment, the internal struggle clear on his face as he thought about what they'd both done to each other.
"I can see he's trying to fix it but I don't know.. like you said it's not easy to get over something like this especially when you saw it coming."
Though Kai had said it with a clear bite, he hadn't seen it coming at all.
Sure he used to throw digs but he didn't think for one minute Ray would have really gone back there, back with her.
Was like he'd said to him though; she was there, and he wasn't.
Lange rose her own greying brow, "You knew this would happen?"
"Well.." he stuttered. "Had my suspicions I guess.. on him like a leech every opportunity she gets. Was only going to be a matter of time."
"Instead of the normal 'I told you so' type jabs, and taunting where it was hanging over his head about the possibility of it happening. Did you ever sit down and talk about it with him?" She asked in a soft tone.
Kai shifted himself in his seat, readjusting himself.
"I, wouldn't say we sat and talked about it as such but it wasn't exactly a secret her being in his life bothered me.. they've got history, so of course it's gonna bother me.. but he chose to keep her around anyway. Claimed they were 'just friends'." He said showing the emphasis with his two fingers. "She's always the first one he runs to whenever there's any sort of problem. Always goes and talks to her when there's something up.." his voice then trailed off.
He wasn't exactly the most emotionally available of people who could offer comfort and a shoulder to cry on so it made sense why Ray would go to someone else.
Maybe if it wasn't Mariah it would have just eventually been someone else anyway.. the way he often pushed him away.. he was bound to seek solace in the arms of another.
"Given their history, that's understandable. But as his partner, the first option should have been you, but given what I know so far. Your availability may have hindered him in doing so, correct?"
Kai just shrugged at her in a slight huff.
Just get it over with lady and place the whole blame on him already. It was obvious where she was going with this, though a flame flickered within him and he suddenly felt a sudden urge to fight his corner.
"Okay, and? You don't just go fuck someone else just 'cos your partner is unavailable. I work a lot, he works a lot, it's stressful for us both! But you don't see me jumping into bed with.." He paused for a second before quickly clearing his throat. ".. with someone just cos Ray's not around.."
Lange held her hands up, "That wasn't what I was saying, Kai. What I was getting at was that he's only human, who needs and wanted a source of familiar comfort. You weren't there, she was. Correct? Although it's caused a great rift between the two of you, it seems that rift has always been there and now it's only gotten bigger.
"Look at it this way. You both have been standing side by side, then this rift grows between you and it was never taken care of, now it's just separating you further and further. This right now is just a Band-Aid you're slapping over the cracks, it doesn't fix anything. If he is willing, then you need to meet him halfway in helping as well. He can't do all the work on his own, and although it may come from the guilt he feels right now, it can still be beneficial to your relationship as a whole. If you wish to continue with it."
Kai took a sip from the cup of water he still had in his hand though it was hardly comforting as it had warmed to room temperature now.
"Yeah.. I guess.." he agreed though still wasn't exactly sure what he could do in helping to fix this.
Just to simply be around more seemed to be the common solution but what good was being around each other if they couldn't so much as lock eyes without feeling like they were on a first date all over again.
Lange watched him for a little bit, his silence understandable but also grating. She couldn't give advice with someone who wouldn't so much as speak about their problems. He was a tough nut alright.. But she was determined to crack him.
"Should we bring Ray back in, or was there anything else you'd like to discuss beforehand?"
Kai glanced back up to her before clearing his throat again.
"No, bring him back in it's fine." He mumbled, preparing himself for the air to become even thicker than it was already.
"Very well." She sighed and went to the door.
A few moments later Ray was brought back in, new uncrinkled cup of tea in his hand as he sat himself back into his chair beside Kai's own. Cheeks a little tear stained but his eyes were clear finally.
Kai looked over to him as he sat in the seat beside him again and forced a half smile.
He strangely felt a little better now that Ray was back and it wasn't just him and doc over there.
He offered him his hand resting it on Ray's arm rest.
She'd said meet him half way right?
Ray glanced at it for a second, a little confused on why he would offer his hand right now but took it regardless.
But now what? What else were they supposed to do now?
"So for our final few minutes I want you to both say one thing that you love about each other, and one thing, that moving forward, you'd want them to change.. so basically something you dislike." Lange then spoke, breaking the silence that had fallen upon the room before gesturing over to the Chinese male on her right.
"Ray if you'd like to go first."
No, he wouldn't like to go first, but since she threw him on the spot he might as well give it a shot.
He shifted in his seat, turning to face Kai head on while he kept their hands together and gave a small squeeze.
"I've always loved and admired how you can push past anything, how you're able to pick yourself back up and carry on like it was nothing. But I hate how in doing so you push people away, push me away."
Dr Lange sent him a smile before scribbling on the clipboard and turning to her left.
"Kai? One thing you love, one thing you dislike."
It was Kai's turn to shift in his seat though his gaze didn't remain on Ray, instead it dropped down low.
Just one? He loved everything about him. Whilst he was away in China it was then that Kai had truly noticed how much presence and warmth he brought into his life. Without him he was just a robot.
Wake up, work, home, bed.
It wasn't until Ray had come into his life did he even learn the meaning of the word love.
But damn his pride he couldn't just say all that out loud.. could he?
"I.. I love how.."
Ray's eyes remained on him, even leant forward a smidge as he watched the cogs start to turn in Kai's brain. He'd always known how hard it was for him to put his thoughts and feelings out there, but if he didn't know where his head was at how were they meant to resolve anything?
Kai then exhaled clearly a little frustrated.
Fuck it.
"I love most things about you Ray." He then turned to face him. "Just, everything about you.. How you're able to just.. make me, feel things. If that makes sense?"
Ray gave him a small smile and a nod though stayed quiet hoping he was on a roll with this. He knew what he was referring to having known him since he was an emotionless jerk.
"I never even knew what love was before you showed me and now I couldn't imagine myself ever having what we have with anyone else.. you just.. complete me, I guess.. I don't know.. I had no idea how much was missing in my life until you came along and added to it."
"And one dislike?" Lange interrupted their moment, watching Ray visibly suck in a breath.
"Uhm.." Kai looked to the floor again before taking in his own breath and giving a shrug.
"Your hair always clogs up the drains.. pisses me off.." he looked back up to gold and gave a smirk.
"Sorry." Ray chuckled with a small smirk of his own, "Can always just hack it off if you want."
Kai's smirk fell from his face.
"That's not funny.."
Ray sent him a fanged grin before he even laughed out a little, glad to be ending this on a slight up. An hour ago it seemed like all hope was lost and they'd gotten a whole lot worse if that was even possible, but now, with a warm smile and softened crimson eyes staring back at him it seemed they were going to get through this.
Dr Lange had her own smile painted on her lips as she wrote down on a separate piece of paper some key points she wanted the two of them to work on before their next session.
After handing it over the desk, Ray took it from her and the two of them thanked her before standing up from their chairs and heading towards the door.
The sound of her voice again caused the two of them to pause and look over their shoulder.
"Kai, you can decline if you wish to, however I feel you would benefit a great deal from your own separate session with me if you'd be willing."
Kai looked to Ray who sent him a reassuring nod.
With him being the wronged party it made sense he'd need extra sessions, though he wouldn't push him, it was his choice.
"Uh sure.." He agreed though was clearly reluctant.
Flicking through her paper diary a few pages, Dr Lange pressed her index finger on a free morning she had in a few days.
"Thursday at ten?"
"Sounds good." Kai gave a nod.
"Perfect. See you then Kai."
Walking out hand in hand the two said their goodbyes to the receptionist out front before exiting through the glass doors, the warm breeze of late Summer refreshing them somewhat as they head towards the car.
"Well that was an experience." Ray chuckled out a little, hoping that Kai's mood wasn't going to drastically change with him now that they didn't have an audience.
"You sorta get used to it.. Don't know why I have to go back on my own though." Kai pouted some, like all that wasn't hard enough and he had Ray by his side throughout most of it.
"It makes sense though, you having more to deal with and all.." Ray's tone was low now. He didn't want to keep dwelling on this, but really hoped Kai kept the appointment if it meant them getting back to normal quicker.
Before unlocking the car crimson eyes locked on another building across the street. He hadn't realised what part of town they were in, the two of them not venturing out like this in a while now.
"Hey remember that little pizzeria?" Kai pointed out.
"Oh yeah! They did the best calzones." Ray remembered he'd ordered the pepperoni. Gosh they'd not been there in forever. The last time was probably one of their first outings together, just the two of them.
Kai's feet came to a slow stop before turning to face him.
"You hungry?"
Ray's heart fluttered some, the appetite he'd lost completely whilst in the therapist's room had come back to him with a vengeance.
"Sure am." He said with a smirk.
Releasing his hand Kai wrapped an arm around Ray's waist, pulled him in and with a quick tilt of his head gestured towards the pizza place.
"C'mon then, my treat."
Ray internally swooned and let Kai pull him towards the restaurant across the road.
As if there was ever any doubt that they could fix this.
Pizza definitely solves everything.
A/N: I'm so sorry for taking so long with this update.. Hit a major wall and just wasn't sure of my direction for a bit.
But thanks to Tsh for the therapy idea! Lord knows these boys need it xD You're a sweetheart thank you. And to Lux also for giving me my own therapy session with this damn chapter.
As always thank you to those that fave and review. I promise the next update won't take as long.
K~