Epilogue
Once More, With Feeling
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or anything related to Teen Titans. Unfortunately.
In the weeks since their last trip to the dead dimension—and the Justice League's very public visit—criminals across Jump City had collectively decided, it seemed, to take some time off. Faced with the lightened workload, Raven had decided to do the same. No grand designs involving foreign beaches or backpacking trips, necessarily, but some time to sort through her new perspective on things, to digest, to come to terms, that did sound…pleasant.
Time to focus on herself—and, of course, on her new relationship, which they had both discussed and decided to pursue. Now that things had died down and Jinx's feelings seemed not to have changed. On the contrary, she seemed rather proud of the role she had played. She'd wasted little time in taking up Robin on his offer for housing, and they had spent a good amount of time together in the weeks since.
Sometimes they went out, sometimes to a destination of Jinx's choosing and other times one of Raven's, and other times she simply occupied herself nearby while Raven meditated—in her new pose, which continued to assist her in her journey toward self-actualization. On rare occasion, Jinx even joined her.
On the outside, Raven supposed she looked much the same as she had months earlier. Inside, however…well, she still was who she was. That probably wouldn't change, at least not more than anybody else. But she felt good. Felt a great many things, now.
Satisfied, for example. Something that, before, she might only have associated with having finished a particularly absorbing book or the like. Now, she felt it toward herself. Toward her personal progress. Even toward her relationship.
At least, she had.
Although physical intimacy continued to act like a thorn in her side, a fly in her soup, she did try. Tried to learn, to get a little more proficient each time. Tried to communicate, to find what her partner enjoyed. Tried to be generous, to put her partner first. Those were the right things. Weren't they? Even if she was still learning, that was the way to go about it? She had thought so.
And then, those stupid words: Can we talk?
She'd heard all the clichés, of course. Had seen it a hundred times on television and in movies. It had never even made sense to her, the negative reaction people had to what should've been, by all counts, a good thing. Communication was a good thing; talking was a good thing. The opposite—saying nothing, letting an issue simmer in silence until it boiled over or burned—that was bad.
So, why?
Try as she might, and did, to rationalize it away, she had made a vow no longer to deny how she felt. And she felt dread. An unmistakable, sinking feeling she could only classify as totally irrational.
Did it worry her, what might happen?
She had always been alone.
Well, mostly.
But had she really grown so attached so quickly that she actually feared going back to that?
The fear of going back, or the fear of losing something she had found?
Or just…of losing? Of failing?
Or did she find the question itself offensive—can we talk, as though she had done something wrong and was being corrected or called out—and was having a kneejerk reaction because of her own insecurity toward criticism?
So many things to consider from three stupid little words.
Jinx hadn't even said it in some grim, foreboding way. She had sounded almost embarrassed. Maybe it didn't even have to do with anything she had or hadn't done. Maybe Jinx had made a mistake, or she had some personal concern she wanted to raise.
And Robin, dragging Jinx away to discuss…whatever it was—Azar, she couldn't even remember; everything after those three words had just floated in one ear and out the other—before they'd actually gotten the chance to talk.
Raven sighed; that wasn't fair. Robin couldn't have known. Besides, Jinx knew her schedule. Once they were done, Jinx would find her, and then—
Jinx, coming down the hall.
Nervousness, anxiety, but confidence—eagerness?—and just a little concern.
Great.
The door to Raven's room slid open, interrupting her admittedly distracted meditation.
Earlier…
"Was I interrupting?" Robin asked Jinx as they walked together toward one exit from the common room; Raven left through another, on her way to her own room for her daily meditation.
Jinx shook her head lightly, not really paying attention. Okay, not exactly according to plan, but that was fine. The plan had been to take Raven somewhere private right away and, well…talk. But Bird Boy wouldn't take too long, right? She'd just find Raven after, and…
It was fine. No big deal.
That look, though…
"You all right?" Robin asked her.
Jinx zoned back into the moment and found that she had followed him to the room he called his 'Ops Center'. She did her best to laugh it off. "Yeah, sorry. You, uh…wanted to talk about somethin'?"
Standing in front of a monitor that displayed a map of Jump City, Robin eyed her before taking a seat and seeming to switch gears. He offered her a seat opposite.
She took it.
"I wanted to talk about patrol routes," he said, "ask if you had any preferences for when you're both back in the field. Now? I want to know what's wrong."
Jinx rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, slumping back in her chair. "Oh, ple—"
"Normally, I wouldn't go out of my way to meddle in personal business," Robin went on. "But given the situation—"
"Situation?" Jinx asked.
"You're distracted. Anxious."
Jinx gave an indignant look. "Okay. How would you know—"
"Your posture's withdrawn, tense. Breathing elevated. Fidgeting in your seat, with your hands. Short answers, like you've got somewhere to be but don't really want to be there or don't really want to be here. You weren't like that at dinner last night. Today, I pulled you away from a conversation with Raven. She gave you a look." He paused.
Jinx groused, thoroughly deflated. "I dunno who's worse…"
Robin took a breath, doing his best to relax and be more personable. "Like I said, normally I wouldn't make your business my business, but A) we've already talked about Raven, and B) we aren't just a team. We're a family, and you're a part of that now. I'm not here to interrogate you. I'm here to talk, if you want to. That's all. Or, we can stick to business, if you'd prefer. Your call."
She almost scoffed. For somebody who said he wasn't there to interrogate her, he sure slipped into it easy enough.
Still…
"I'm sorry," she apologized. "I didn't mean to…bite your head off, or whatever. Guess I'm still gettin' used to people just, y'know…bein' nice. I appreciate it. I just…need to talk to her. That's all," Jinx explained. "That's…what I was sayin', when ya showed up and…" She gestured in a way to indicate that was when Robin had pulled her away.
"Saying what?" he asked.
"Can we…talk?" Jinx fought the urge to put her hand over her face, fully aware of the connotation behind those three little words.
His business demeanor cracked, and even Robin winced in his seat.
"Yeah. Thanks," Jinx said.
"Sorry. So, go. Talk to her," he offered.
Jinx leaned forward, elbows on her knees, and ran her hands through her hair with a groan that indicated she really didn't want to.
"Okay…" Robin read the room. "Can I…ask? Can I help?"
"No," Jinx said, although it sounded more like a question. "Maybe? I don't know… It's not even anything bad. I just—"
"We talking a…pet peeve, an argument, or…" Robin threw out some guesses.
"Personal," Jinx said.
"Oh."
"And, like, I know she's insecure about that stuff, so I wasn't even gonna say anything," Jinx went on, taken by momentum. "But then I thought, if it were me, I'd want her to tell me, so I went for it— And the last thing I wanna do is make her feel bad, but like… I don't know…" She groaned again, head hung low between her knees as if burying it in sand.
Robin, meanwhile, sat still in his seat, still wishing he could help but also distinctly uncomfortable, their conversation having wandered into the territory of one of his own personal shortcomings. He decided on honesty, just to be up front about it. He rubbed the back of his head with one hand. "Look, I— It's no secret I'm not that…great…at stuff like this. I don't know how much you can talk about or even how much you want to, but if you're really looking for somebody to bounce ideas off of, get some advice from, whatever—you should talk to Starfire."
Jinx looked up.
"Her people are very open with… Well, they're very open. Since we've been together—and, I guess, even before that—she's taught me a lot. N-Not just about this," he stammered to clarify. "About relationships, in general. If anybody can help you, she can." He thought about it. "She's…probably in the gym."
Jinx gave herself a second to process. Had she really just talked like a normal person, with him? "Thanks," she said, genuinely, and much to her own surprise.
He gave a nod, gesturing one hand toward the door. "We'll go over routes later. No rush."
After that, she left and made her way down to what she assumed had once been a small warehouse or something, modified into the tower's extensive gymnasium. Inside, she found Cyborg wrestling a green bear. Her ears found Starfire before her eyes did: a sharp grunt, followed by a growl.
She found the Tameranean on a marked platform raised eight or so feet higher than the floor. She stood atop it, her eyes strained shut as she struggled against a metal press that pushed down against her from above. A nearby panel displayed the PSI, a number Jinx assumed would've been more at home crushing vehicles into tiny cubes.
Not really wanting to interrupt, Jinx stood on the sideline, equal parts enjoying the show—had her stomach always had that much definition?—marveling at the display of strength, and appreciating a side of Red that she didn't usually get to see: the warrior side, so totally different from her typical bright and bubbly self. None of that, here. Just…power. Power and grit.
Starfire's eyes opened their distinctive, furious green; she clenched and bared her teeth, and her growl grew in volume until it rolled into in a yell of absolute determination. From a kneeling position, she rose shakily onto both feet and stood upright. Her jaw snapped shut again—trembling with effort—and, one inch at a time, she pushed up until her arms were fully outstretched above her head.
Starfire held that position for several seconds before Jinx heard some kind of hydraulic system kick in. The press stayed raised up, and the platform on which Starfire stood eased down until it was even with the floor. Only then did Starfire notice her audience.
Just like that, the warrior was gone. Walking as opposed to flying, Starfire approached, out of breath and slick with a veneer of sweat but otherwise as cheerful as ever.
"Friend," she greeted. "You are well?"
Before Jinx could respond, Starfire furrowed her brow, having picked up on something.
"You are not well?" she asked.
Jinx sighed internally. Jeez, was it that obvious? "Just…wonderin' if I could talk to ya, that's all. But if you're busy, I can—"
"Not at all," Starfire assured her. "Something troubles you?"
Jinx looked around. She couldn't see anyone, but still. "Maybe, uh…somewhere private?"
Starfire perked up immediately, clasping one of Jinx's hands. "Oh! Yes! Of course. Please, come with me."
Just like that, Starfire took flight and took off: out of the gym, through the tower, and up to her room, with Jinx in tow like a banner dragged behind a jet.
The next Jinx knew, she blinked and found herself on the edge of Starfire's bed. "Uh…"
"My apologies for my appearance," Starfire said without missing a beat, closing her curtains. "Shall I shower first?"
"You're fine," Jinx said, struggling a little bit to ignore the mental image.
"Very well." Starfire flew over and landed on her knees on the bed. "Friend Raven does not often wish to engage in the girl talk, but I find myself most eager. So, what shall we discuss?"
"To be honest, I…got a referral, myself," Jinx half joked.
Starfire tilted her head curiously.
"I, uh… Well, I was talkin' to Bird Boy, and he said I'd be better off talkin' to you, so…"
Starfire appeared to process the new information, running down the list of topics which might result in Robin recommending her counsel over his. Finally, she connected one with Jinx's unusual demeanor. She smiled; earthlings were so strange. "I see."
"So, the thing is…" Jinx tried to put it together. "Well, I mean— It's like—"
"Please," Starfire politely stopped her. "She is inexperienced?"
Jinx put on a confused look. "Huh?"
"Friend Raven and yourself," Starfire clarified. "You are encountering some difficulty regarding the expression of physical intimacy, yes? This is due to her inexperience? Or perhaps yours?"
"N-No!" Jinx stammered, taken a little by surprise. "I mean, yes…maybe… I mean— I don't know…"
Again, Starfire attempting to ease her friend's burden. "You have an issue regarding personal boundaries, perhaps—"
"No…" Jinx shook her head.
"—cleanliness—"
"No,"
"—one of you initiates more than the other—"
"N— Well, yeah, I guess, but it doesn't bother me."
"—you feel as though one of you is being…how can I say…selfish…when reciprocating—"
"No!" Jinx practically exclaimed, ready to bite hook, line, and sinker now that someone had put it out there for her. "I mean, that's the thing. I feel like I'm the one bein' selfish."
"How so?" Starfire asked.
"Not like I'm tryin' to be," Jinx told her. "I just…I get this feelin', y'know? Like it's mostly for me. Like all the attention's on me, and nothin' we ever get to do is really for her, y'know? Like her gettin' off, it's some kinda afterthought." Jinx realized after what she'd said, how her language might've bothered some. "Sorry."
The earnest pools that were Starfire's eyes reflected no judgment, only her sincere attention. "You have discussed this with her? These feelings of inequity?"
"A little, yeah…" Jinx hedged her answer. "I mean, I brought it up, sure, but…I never really pushed it, I guess. She always says she's feedin' off'a me, or whatever, that she's havin' a good time if I'm havin' a good time. And I believe her. I just…the more it happens, the more I can't shake this feelin' like she's holdin' somethin' back, like there's more I could— Like I'm—"
"Like you are not enough," Starfire suggested.
"Yeah!" Jinx jumped on it. "And it, I don't know… It makes me worried, that's all… Like there's more she needs to really— Like she wants somethin'…I can't…give her…"
Some time passed quietly before Starfire's reply.
"Apologies," she said. "Robin has expressed discomfort with my lack of discretion when discussing our…recreational activities," the words left Starfire's mouth deliberately, as though she had to make sure she used the correct ones, words she had maybe been asked to use, "and so I needed to think how I might relay my advice without offending him. Some time after he and I became intimate, he came to me with a similar concern: that, while he believed I enjoyed myself, he also believed there were other things I wished to do—ways I could enjoy myself more—but that I held myself back for his sake."
No kidding, Jinx thought, considering the gym earlier. "And what did ya do?" she asked.
"First, I thanked him for his honesty," Starfire said. "Then, I admitted to him that he was not wrong."
Jinx's heart sank a bit.
Starfire's eyes turned down and away, a bit ashamed of herself. "I have great respect for Robin, but I cannot deny the difference in our strength. While I did my best to please him, I also restrained myself for fear of accidentally doing him harm. Even now, I scold myself for not having been honest with him first, for making him worry enough that he had to come to me, instead. Robin has a great deal of pride. I only sought to spare it because of how much I care for him, but in the end, I achieved the opposite effect."
"So…what happened?" Jinx asked, eager to know.
"We…had a long discussion, in which I revealed what I have just explained and he worked to understand my point of view, and together we crafted the best solution we could."
"Which was…?"
Starfire perked right up. "A word of safety! Well, a word and a gesture." She backtracked a bit. "A signal that indicates to me I should…" she tried to remember the exact words Robin had used, "dial it back."
Jinx conceded the point; not like she hadn't thought of that before. Hadn't thought much about it, considering what she was dealing with. Not exactly the same as the ropes being too tight, or whatever.
But if it worked for those two…
"It really works?" Jinx asked.
"It works wonderfully!" Starfire testified. "Now, I may do as I please not only for him, but also for myself, and I need not worry whether it is too much."
Jinx found herself unable to resist a sly smirk. "You, uh…do a lot, do ya?"
Starfire giggled. "I do not believe Robin would appreciate me going into detail. I can, however, confirm that we have found great success with this method."
Jinx gave a thoughtful nod, and then stood up. "Well, thanks. For the advice."
Starfire stood as well and gave her a hug in goodbye. "May it serve you just as well," she chirped.
With a final goodbye, Jinx took her leave, organizing her thoughts for the real thing.
Okay. It would be okay. The heck was she so nervous about, anyway? That Raven would be upset? About what? There wasn't even a problem. Not really. Just a…concern, and a suggestion. Something to try. It would be fine. Maybe even fun.
Hopefully fun.
That thought in mind, Jinx approached the door, let it slide open, and entered.
"Hey," she greeted.
A glance over her shoulder, and Raven allowed her feet to touch the floor. The empath turned around to face her. "Hey."
Jinx put her hands together in front of her—she did fidget; had to work on that—then at her side with an apologetic smile. "Sorry about earlier. Didn't mean to ditch ya."
"It's fine. Is everything…okay?" Raven asked.
Why she bothered, Jinx didn't know. After all, as Raven had pointed out oh-so-many times before: empath. Asking was basically a courtesy.
Raven touched a hand to her head and shook it lightly. "No. That's wrong. I said I would stop doing that, and I'm sorry. I'm trying, really. It's just a…hard habit to break. A…"
"Courtesy?" Jinx asked.
"Almost," Raven admitted, moved to her bed and sat. "So…what did you want to talk about?"
"Nothin' bad," Jinx assured her. "I'm just…concerned, I guess. That's all."
"About?"
At that point, Jinx explained as best she could, borrowing a few of Starfire's words for the sake of clarity, and then put it out in the open that she had gotten advice from the Tameranean on Robin's recommendation. Part of her figured the last bit wouldn't exactly sit well with 'ol reclusive Raven, but whatever; it was done. No sense hiding it now.
"Okay…" Raven said after, buying time to digest.
"Sorry for bringin' it up with Red, but you try hidin' somethin' from Bird Boy, and y'know he was gonna mention it to her anyway, so at that point," she shrugged, "didn't really seem like much to lose. Plus, her advice was pretty good, turns out." She waited a few moments, then could avoid asking no longer. "So…"
Raven offered only a look, as if to ask what, exactly, she was asking.
"Do you?"
"Do I what?"
"Hold yourself…back, or whatever," Jinx clarified.
Some more time went by without any answer. It ate away at her inside, not knowing, but Jinx fought the urge to rush it. One thing she had learned about conversations with Raven: the woman replied on her own time.
"I…don't really know," Raven said finally. "I wouldn't really say I hold back, but I won't deny making an effort to resist certain…urges."
"Because…"
"Because of what I showed you," Raven told her, like she should've already known.
Jinx had to think about it for a second. "What? That nightmare? Ya said it yourself: that was just a bad dream. Plus: Hello?" She held out a hand, wiggling her fingers to point out she had her very own body again. "Plus, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't we just go through a whole…thing…about you trustin' yourself?"
"I know, I know," Raven said, hand to her head and indicating by her tone that she'd had the debate with herself before. "You're right. I just… Things were going well. You seemed to be enjoying yourself. I didn't want to jeopardize that."
Jinx moved to sit alongside Raven, taking her gently by the wrists. "I do enjoy myself. I just wanna make sure you do, too. That's all. If you like the way things are, then that's fine. I just don't want ya to be afraid of tryin' somethin' new if ya feel like it's somethin' ya want." Letting go of Raven, she leaned back on the bed and shut her eyes with a smirking grin. "I mean, I'm selfish enough on my own. Last thing I need is selfish by proxy."
Raven donned a tiny smile at the attempt at levity, but she did give pause, as though having snagged on some particular something that forced her to reconsider her position. "Afraid," she pondered out loud, then switched gears and turned to Jinx. "Are you sure? I get the impression it could be…intense."
At that, Jinx peaked one eye open over a raised eyebrow, then stood up and held out her hand, as if in greeting. "Hi! Jinx. Former bad guy. I fight monsters and am, in fact, not made of glass."
Raven failed to restrain a laugh, then put on a look of concern. "That's… You know what I am. Half of me. That doesn't…worry you?"
Jinx put her hands on the empath's shoulders, meeting her eyes. "I trust you."
Again, Raven took pause like she had snagged on a word that had sent her thoughts wandering.
"Okay," Raven said after. "So…what word do we use?"
"First of all," Jinx said, mock-lecturing, "safe words are personal, so if ya want one, ya get your own. This one's mine." She stuck out her tongue. "Second, I was thinkin' somethin' easy, like…I dunno…dolphin or somethin'."
"That works," Raven agreed, mostly following along in the unfamiliar territory. "I…think I'll save mine for a situation where I might be the one who needs it."
Jinx shrugged. "Sure. Just remember: that's the line. Unless I say that word—or, in your case I guess, think it loudly—go nuts."
Raven gave a consenting nod. Then, that look of concern appeared again.
"Really? 'Cuz it still sounds like—"
"I understand. I do," Raven assured her. "I just…hope you do."
"Hey, look. If you're really not comfortable, we don't hafta—"
"I'm not," Raven admitted. "But that's okay. This is…something I'm afraid of, because I don't know. I don't understand it. And…I would like to. At least, I'd like to try. If you're sure."
"I'm sure. I just don't want ya to feel like I'm pressurin' ya into anything," Jinx told her.
Raven shook her head. "You're not."
"Ya promise?" Jinx asked.
Raven gave a nod.
"Good." Jinx shot to her feet, striking a power stance. "Then next time, I want ya to show me everything you've got—or I might show you everything I got. Got it?"
"Oh, no," Raven replied with a smirk.
Jinx stopped cold. "Wait, wait, wait. Was that a line?"
Raven merely cocked an eyebrow, as if she had no idea what Jinx was talking about.
"It was!" Jinx exclaimed with a laugh. "Oh my god. Caught me off guard there, I'll admit. Didn't know ya could do seductive. But, ya know, if you're gonna…" She pounced, pushing Raven back onto the bed and looming over her. "Ya better be ready to back it up."
"Careful what you wish for," Raven advised.
"Or what?" Jinx asked, like a dare.
Just like that, the lights went out, and Jinx found herself flipped over and their positions reversed. An unseen force held down her wrists while she felt Raven's hands resting on her sternum and the empath's weight on top of her; red eyes peered through the dark.
"You just might get it."