A/N: What a mess that last chapter was... did ya all like it? :)
Just going to get straight to it as I'm sure you're all dying to know what happens next.
As always thanks to everyone following/reviewing etc. Feel like I say this a lot but it really does make my day to know that people are enjoying this. So if you are reading along and have never commented please do! Or inbox me! Don't be a stranger. (:
Also thanks to Lux for helping with this and having a good ol' argument with me to close.
Let's get to it shall we?
Enjoy!
K~
Chapter 21 - Running on Empty
He'd been awake all night.
Usually bright golden eyes were glazed over, blood shot and felt sore from the relentless tears and lack of sleep.
It had been odd laying there in unfamiliar surroundings. Not only in a house that wasn't his own, but a different room, a different bed, cold and alone.
His mind plagued with both a million and one thoughts yet at the same time completely blank.
His heart experiencing whole new levels of emotion, yet at the same time not feeling a damn thing.
Overall he just felt numb, lost, and empty.
"You sure you don't want me to come with you bud?" Tyson cautiously offered again, holding onto his coffee mug and looking down to his friend that was currently tying his shoe laces in the hall. "Might make things easier having someone else there? Diffuse the tension or somethin'?"
Ray lazily waved him off, rising to his feet and reaching up for his denim jacket on the coat hook by the door. He knew Tyson was coming from a good place here but he really didn't need to worry.
"He's not even going to be home Ty so I'll be fine. Thank you though..." His tone radiated defeat and his movements were slow and lethargic as he shoved his arms through the sleeves.
Ray had also spoken to Mariah last night under sufferance. (Because the breakup of his long term relationship wasn't enough, he had her to contend with also.)
Was perhaps the most awkward phone call he'd had in his life but he'd had to have it whether he wanted to or not.
Like Tyson had advised him, he couldn't avoid her forever knowing what was growing inside of her. He had to just grow up, rip off the band aid and deal with the consequences of his actions like a man. Thankfully Ray had had him there for emotional support and to hold his hand but it still didn't take away the sting from how fucked everything was.
Wasn't much of a surprise that sleep had evaded him completely...
After walking out yesterday and aimlessly driving around for a while he'd head over to Tyson's place. Not really knowing where else to go or what else to even do.
Half of him wanting Kai to have made some effort to at least try and stop him from leaving but the other was pleased he'd just silently let him go.
What more was there to say? To do?
It was clear what they once had was unsalvageable so they had to just leave it in the trash where it clearly belonged...
Looking back on it Ray did feel bad for putting Tyson through what he had done yesterday, having just turned up at his door completely out of the blue and hysterical; chest almost violently heaving in and out on him as he tried to explain what had happened or why he was even there in the first place through shuddering breaths.
Whilst he'd tried, Tyson wasn't following the frantic rambles at all but it was clear something major had happened.
He'd never seen Ray in such an emotional state.
Almost dumbly in his shock, all Tyson could do was invite him into the house, lead him into the living room, sit him down on the couch and gently tell him to stop trying to explain himself before taking himself off to make the two of them some tea and calm his own racing heart.
It was borderline scary seeing his friend fixing for a panic attack like that having just been in his own little world all day. He was about to start making himself some dinner before the doorbell rang, not expecting a delivery or any visitors to then have Ray out on the porch having some kind of breakdown.
Sickening concern of course was running through him as he stirred the tea having picked up only a handful of words such as 'Kai,' 'cheated,' and something about Mariah being pregnant. His own mind was racing trying to slot the puzzle pieces together but he didn't need to know what happened right away, he just needed Ray to breathe.
Once a soothing cup was being clutched by tanned fingers, Tyson figured it best to start off on his own short tales of the past few months, giving Ray some kind of distraction for a little bit whilst he concentrated on his breathing and got some sugar in his system.
Ray hadn't really been listening on the update but he'd been grateful for the minor diversion and once he was calm enough started to bring the other up to speed on everything he'd tried to tell him earlier. Fully aware that even with a more relaxed retell of events it was still an information overload but like the tears from his eyes on his way over here, once he'd started he couldn't stop.
Like it was his own private therapy session he confessed to it all. Reeling everything off that had transpired over the last several weeks. Both his and Kai's wrong doings being spewed out of him with no hesitation as his old team mate just stared back, nodding every so often to him as he processed it all.
Tyson had had no idea. Which wasn't all that surprising considering they didn't all live in each others pockets like they used to when they were kids. But even so, he would've expected to have had some kind of idea that his friends were in this kind of mess. Was only a few weeks back since he last saw Kai on their little reunion night out and he'd just seemed his usual 'chirpy' self.
He felt useless as Ray continued to fill him in; Not knowing how to help, or if he even could, except for offering him the spare room upstairs and the assurance he could stay with him for as long as he needed.
"Alright, well, just give me a call or something then when you're on your way back. Can go get some ramen or something for lunch if ya fancy?"
Ray sent him a smile as his hand pulled the front door open.
He had zero appetite but humoured him anyway. He knew he was trying and he was grateful to have a friend nearby during all of this.
"Yeah sounds good. Thanks again Tyson. I won't be too long."
He received a nod in response before stepping out and walked to his car parked out on the street, feeling just a little bit nauseous now either from nerves or lack of food.
He had nothing to be anxious over though. Like he'd just said to Tyson, Kai would be several miles away at work so he could pack up all his things at his own leisure and cry as much as he wanted to if he needed.
Hell, he could even go smash and dig up the entire back yard if he wanted too. Really show Kai what he thought about what he'd done to them and about him.
Having spent hours just staring up at the ceiling last night Ray had had a long time to think. So many puzzle pieces seeming to fall into place or so he'd convinced himself.
Truth be told his mind had come up with all sorts of ideas and scenarios and he didn't even know what to think or believe anymore.
Like that one Thursday several weeks ago for example, when Kai had claimed to be working late and didn't come home until past eleven. Had he actually been at work or was he with Tala in some sleazy motel somewhere?
Every time Kai had ever gone out 'for a run' is that really what he went out for?
Sure he came home out of breath and dripping with sweat but he'd been looking the same way yesterday when he was there on their bed on all fucking fours.
How many times had he fucked him but had been thinking about Tala the whole time?
Better yet had Kai even meant it when he'd said he wanted to fix this? When he said he loved him?
Had everything just been one big fucking lie?
Why waste both of their times going to therapy when it clearly wasn't what he wanted? Why not just call it all off before now?
And then not only that, but he himself was going to be a father in several months? How the hell was he supposed to deal with all that? Sure he loved kids and went all gushy over babies but he didn't have the first clue on how to look after one?
Turning the key in the ignition Ray had wound himself up to tears again. Cursing himself once more for not having any tissues in the car and having to just use his jacket sleeve.
What hurt the most was the fact that even after all of this he still loved Kai. Of course he did. And he was still sorry for all he'd done to them.
Knowing what Kai had done didn't bring him any kind of satisfaction to know they were 'even' now. If anything it was like pouring alcohol on an open wound when he found out. It fucking hurt.
He loved him. But in the same breath he also hated him with every fibre of his being and he hoped he never had to see him again.
Same with Mariah. Though knew that wasn't an option now...
x-x-x
He'd been awake all night.
Usually piercing ruby orbs were dark and blending in with the whites of his eyes that were completely blood shot from his tears and lack of sleep.
He was exhausted. So much so he couldn't bring himself to go into the office today. Could hardly keep his eyes open but sleep seemed to be avoiding him like the plague.
He gave up trying at around 4am, dragged his numb body off the couch and attempted to distract himself with some work. The bright light of the computer screen hurting his eyes some but once they'd adjusted they'd may as well have just stayed blurry as nothing before him was making any sense. Even with him running the place, knowing the business like the back of his hand, due to his overall low mood, and the fatigue only exacerbating this, everything that sat on his screen may as well have been written in a foreign language.
He switched the computer off in his frustration. He couldn't concentrate.
The minutes continued to pass him by and once the clock struck eight, him deeming that a more suitable time of morning, he called Tiffany and fed her some excuse regarding a fake illness, gave her a list of things that needed dealing with that day and took himself back to the couch with another mug of coffee and her well wishes.
He was pretty sure she didn't buy any of it. He'd never had a sick day in his life. Could lose an arm one morning and he'd still be there at his desk no later than ten but like he'd done she'd put on a fairly good performance in believing him.
What the fuck was he going to do?
There must be a way to fix this...
Though the more he racked his brain for a crazy solution the more he pissed himself off at the raging shit storm he found himself in.
He probably could have gotten over this at some point if Ray hadn't got the dumb bitch pregnant. Would've taken some time to heal completely, but he had actually started to slowly view him how he used to and not in such a shitty light.
Having that damn baby scan shoved in his face though just took him straight back to square one.
He hated him. Hated him for what he did. For leaving for China in the first place. For having anything to do with Mariah still after all this time, when he knew he couldn't stand her and tried to pass off his feelings for her as some bullshit platonic friendship!
He forced himself to shower. The last time being when he was all wrapped up in Ray yesterday morning. Had him pressed up against the wall, driving in to him from behind as their moans and the sound of water had echoed off the tiles.
Had been the best morning they'd had for a while... He never thought for one second he'd have been spending that night alone...
With him dried, dressed and another coffee down him, Kai felt a little more awake though still just felt shitty. He figured this was just who he was now though so had to deal with it.
He looked to the clock. Was almost ten. He'd best go make himself scarce.
He had no idea what time Ray was planning on coming over for his stuff but if he made a point of being out all day then they'd surely avoid each other.
A part of him wanted to see him, and then the other did not.
One his mind's crazy suggestions was for them to do what Dr Lange had suggested before and just 'talk it out.'
He'd spent half of his life running away and avoiding shit maybe now was the time to finally stop and fight for what he wanted.
But what did he want?
First thought would have been Ray, but after all of this? Did he actually want him?
He was going to be having a child. A real life baby, with a girl that he had or has feelings for. Who even knows anymore?
But say he and Ray sorted things out.. Patched up the battle scars and put all of this behind them somehow. Who's to say that as soon as this scraggly kid comes along, that Ray wouldn't go all gooey and then just leave him for her anyway?
Ray had always wanted the typical love story of marriage and kids and he didn't want any of that so why an earth would he give up the idea of having all that just to be with him? Especially after everything now?
With a long sigh escaping his nose Kai placed his empty cup into the sink when the sound of the front door unlocking caused him to freeze.
Shit. No. Ray? He wasn't supposed to still be here! Fuck!
He turned to watch the front door open and a head of dark hair appear, looking a lot more dishevelled than usual and locked on a face that looked just as dumbfound as his own.
Pausing halfway in the house and halfway out, eyes still sore and just as bloodshot as they were when he pulled himself out of bed, Ray stopped and stared as his heart did all sorts of weird things in his chest to the point it hurt.
He wasn't supposed to be there. He was supposed to be at work! This was supposed to be easy, where he could come in and get out and fuck up the yard the same way they'd gone and fucked up their relationship!
Part of him wanted to just take the foot that had made it into the house and put it back out, come back another time when he could do this without an audience, but at the same time didn't want to roll over and back down. Just yesterday this was his home too, and he had a right to get his things. They didn't even need to speak to each other.
Closing the door behind him, he walked right by Kai into the kitchen to the cabinet under the sink for the trash bags quietly. Chest still hurting but mouth tightly sealed shut.
Kai had stepped aside and out of his way when he strode in. Eyes both avoiding him though daring to look all the same. It was hard not to notice Ray too looked just as rough as he did this morning, them both sporting the same darkened areas underneath their reddened eyes.
He swallowed and shifted some against the counter he'd set himself back against. Not really knowing what to do with himself as Ray rummaged under the sink.
Did he offer to help? Offer a drink even? He had a ton of questions but didn't feel he had any right to the answers now, though one came out of him anyway.
"So where did you stay last night?"
Ray's ears perked and his back tensed, eyes pricking harder at the voice he loved and hated to hear right now as it sounded like nails on a chalk board more than what it used to.
Why couldn't he just go upstairs and hide in his office? He was good at that when they were together, so why shadow now?
But, did he go and be the bigger man here and answer or avoid the question? It was simple enough, when he thought about it. Was a harmless question, but it begged Ray to come up with his own.
"Why do you care?"
Kai's jaw clenched. On one hand he'd love to just snap back and tell him that regardless of everything that had happened between them he of course still cared about him and would have received some form of solace in knowing he'd spent the night comfortable either at a friends or in a hotel room.
The ice in Ray's tone though made him question himself. Made him feel like a damn fool for giving a shit about him at all considering everything and the avoidance of the question only giving him the image of him going crawling to Mariah and spending the night wherever she was resting her mangy head.
"Ok. You're right. I don't. Forget it." He bit, turning on his heel and storming out of the kitchen.
Ray's own jaw tightened, clutching the trash bag he'd pull from the box under the sink as Kai's footsteps echoed in his head.
He told himself just to let him go, it's what he wanted, there was no reason to keep digging and digging and burning their bridge now that it was said and done, but his mouth moved on him before he could stop himself.
Whirling around to a stand, clutching the bag at his side and the fresh tears in his eyes, it hurt even worse having to actually look at him. Even if it was the back of Kai's head.
"I was at Tyson's. He's letting me stay for a while, until I can figure something out."
Kai's feet had come to a halt. Standing still in the hall for a moment he swallowed down the slight annoyance caused by the unnecessary attitude before turning back to face him.
"So I'm guessing you told him everything then? All our dirty laundry out there now for all to see? What did he say?"
Why he even cared what Tyson thought or had said was beyond him. Whole thing was just embarrassing more than anything and for some reason he didn't like the thought of him thinking any less of either them.
Ray's shoulders came up before his arms flopped back to his side almost lifelessly, "I don't even remember if he even said anything about it, to be honest."
A subtle sigh escaped the other where he stood outside the kitchen doorway.
Even if Tyson had said anything he surely wouldn't have picked a side. Bit of an awkward position for the kid to be in.
Two of his long standing friends in the predicament they were in. What could he have possibly said?
Though, maybe he did take Ray's side. Poor sweet innocent Ray who can do no wrong. Would never be seen as the bad guy so long as Kai was around fucking everything up.
"Right." He said in an unconvinced tone. His exhausted mind getting to the stage where he no longer even cared for answers.
It was obvious the two of them had spent the entire evening gossiping like a pair of teenagers but if Ray wanted to play dumb and keep secrets like he had done for a while now then that was fine. Whatever Tyson had said or thought, his opinion meant nothing to him either. Could not care any less.
Taking in the tone, the snap, Ray's hair nearly stood on end.
The hell was he getting like that for when he'd actually gone and answered him this time?
"What?" He spat back, "Sorry I can't recall every little detail for you, wasn't even expecting you here to start with. Why are you even here? You should be at work."
Maybe he was waiting for Tala to show up, must be it. Only reason he could think of, now that he was out of the way. But of course him being in the picture never stopped Kai before.
The hardened expression opposite him faltered slightly.
Yes he knew where he should have been. That had been the original plan but unfortunately having not got an ounce of sleep last night the last thing he could deal with was the tedious drone of a day at the office.
He didn't appreciate that attitude radiating from him once again though. Ray knew this was his damn house right? He was really going to try and tell him what to do?
"Didn't feel like going in." He replied with a shrug and sense of arrogance. "Pros of being the boss, can do what I want. Problem?"
"You." He'd said before he could even stop himself, though at this point wasn't even sure if there was stopping this snowball from rolling out of control now since he'd stepped foot in the front door.
Kai's eyes narrowed at him, his face adopting a small sneer before responding.
"Well lucky for you, you don't have to deal with me anymore do you? Always was just this huge problem that you couldn't wait to get fucking rid of!"
This was not how he wanted this to go but he couldn't control his tongue either. This definitely being one of the instances where he'd just walk. Leave before it got any more heated.
Kai could sense his feet wanting to move but the therapist had said that conflict was sometimes good right? Fight it out? Though he was pretty sure she hadn't meant land one right on his face and that was the only thing he was really wanting to do right now.
"Really?!" Ray's voice went up in pitch, the sarcasm already dripping off his tongue with a look to match it.
"Because after all the years I spent being with you, helping you, making sure you didn't drink yourself to death, you think this is what I wanted?!" He yelled at him, the trash bag in his hold flying about as his arm flailed beside him.
"Guess what you fucking moron, I wanted YOU!"
"THEN WHY DID YOU FUCK HER RAY?!" Kai's voice cracked as he yelled back at him, arms held out at his sides in question.
"You've been saying this over and over but how can you want me when you LEFT ME?... For HER!" His arm flung out, violently gesturing to the front door behind him like she was there.
"It wasn't for her! It was to get away from you! Because you scared me! You grabbed me! Bruised me! We were falling apart before that even happened, but let's not even forget the fact that the second you drop me off at the airport you're already getting your dick wet!" Ray's voice cracked as it reached that same level it had the day before, eyes slitting and tears free falling down his face.
Kai huffed a laugh.
"And a handful of hours later so were you so what difference does it fucking make huh?!" His throat was starting to feel raspy from all the yelling and the lump sitting there now wasn't helping either.
It hurt to swallow. His ears were ringing. His body was shaking with adrenaline and his mouth was running away with itself.
"But fine since I'm so fucking bad and awful that you need to get as far away from me as possible, go do what you came to, pack your shit, and get the fuck out!"
"The difference is if you keep claiming to love me like you do, then why the hell would you do it?! What's your fucking excuse, Kai?!" Ray screamed louder, on the verge of shaking with him as his eyes were just as sore as his throat.
Kai's heart was racing in his chest. Once again torn between absolute transparency and protecting the feelings of the man before him.
Though really was that even doable at this point? The tears that were falling down his tanned cheeks would suggest he'd already failed with that one.
"Well like you said we were falling apart long before so..."
In a failed attempt to stop his bottom lip from wobbling so hard, Ray bit into it only for his fangs to graze through. Eyes not really focusing on anything as he tried to breathe properly.
He'd gone and asked, for whatever reason wanted to know even though he knew it'd hurt something fierce and of course it had.
All of this fucking hurt.
"So... Was my fault, before it was actually my fault then. Wasn't good enough for you? Even after all the shit I put up with, after everything I fucking did for you! It wasn't fucking enough?!"
"Why do you constantly hold that over me?!" Kai barked in frustration. "So what, am I meant to be forever in-fucking-debted to you or something?!"
Yes he was grateful for having been pulled out of the darkness more than once. Yes he was more than aware that if Ray hadn't come along who fucking knows what would've happened to him. But what Ray seemed to be forgetting was that his actions hadn't gone completely unreciprocated. He hadn't just gone and shat all over his kindness and said 'great thanks, see you later.' He'd provided him with enough to show the extent of his gratitude to last him a lifetime and he'll be damned if he was going to let him stand there and make out like he'd just caused him years of fucking grief.
"Do you forget all that I've done for you, Ray?!"
"I never said that! But I want to know what the hell it is I did that was so goddamn awful that you'd go and fuck someone else before I even left the fucking country! I hadn't even fucking left yet, so you can't say it was because I'd already gone and gotten my piece, because I hadn't!" Ray shot back, chest heaving and hurting like the rest of him, trying to take in as much air as he could as he locked eyes with him while at the same time wanting to just fall to the floor.
"...So why?" He asked in a broken, scratchy tone. A complete look of defeat on his face.
Kai's mouth opened but no words followed. Instead he took in a deep shuddery breath and for the first time since Ray had walked through the door his gaze broke from the piercing gold staring back at him.
The only answer he could possibly give him was the same one he gave Tala at the restaurant but for some reason he didn't dare send it to him.
He just remained where he stood, eventually closing his mouth and pressing his lips together before his feet did what they should've done fifteen minutes ago and walked.
The plastic of the trash bag at his side crinkled loudly as Ray gripped it tightly, muscles tensing and arms shaking as his brows came down and the tears were halted for a moment.
There wasn't a reason then? After all the shit he kept getting for the one mistake he'd ever gone and made in his life, that he went and crawled on his knees and begged forgiveness for, Kai had the audacity to turn his back on him?!
"So why yesterday? Why the restaurant? Or any of the other times then, huh?! Just felt like a random fuck because you were bored? Or because you really are that much of an asshole?!"
If Kai continued to hold the amount of tension in his jaw for much longer he was sure he'd crack a few teeth. The other set of feet he could hear quickly following after him causing him to clench further as he tried to bail from the situation though with the relentless onslaught of words knew Ray wasn't going to let him walk away from this one.
"No.. It wasn't that.." He sent through his grit teeth, the volcano within him simmering and starting to bubble as he felt himself get more and more irate at feeling like a caged animal, being prodded and poked, the threat of snapping for real at any point if the attacks continued.
"Oh, but let's not forget either that you even said you actually don't even fucking care about the son of a bitch, yet I know of three, THREE times you fucked him behind my back! One of those three times I was only ten fucking feet away from you, along with his WIFE!" Ray screamed after him, the anger and sarcasm mixing in as the tears dried on his face.
He was done begging for forgiveness. Done with trying to mend things when Kai was going right behind him and tearing them apart anyways.
"And oh my god! Yesterday, how fucking crazy of me to think for a second shit was getting better between us. That I wanted to come home and surprise you, but lo and behold it's not I who surprises you, but you who surprises me! And for fucking what?! Because the bitch showed up here? I don't fucking care about her, Kai! That's why I slammed a door in her face the day before! Why I was trying to fix this with you, but that, like everything else, just wasn't good enough for YOU!"
Kai's fists were balled at his sides before a growl escaped his throat and he turned back to face him, crimson turning to almost black as he stared him dead in the eyes as something within him broke.
"It used to be good enough Ray but then it just got boring, alright?! Is that what you wanna hear? You wanna know why I did it? You really wanna know what fucking happened? Why we fell apart?" He took a step closer to him, face contorted into a snarl as he towered slightly over him.
"We never spent time together. Sure, I prioritised work, but you prioritised your little buddies that, surprise, surprise, involved her. For the longest time you knew how it made me feel but you kept her around anyway. You knew she despised me just as much as I did her and you still entertained her Ray. Why? I'll tell you why. Let's just be real fucking transparent here shall we? Because you liked the attention and don't even deny it."
Before Ray could even muster a few words of defence Kai continued.
"She gave you what I wasn't, and I knew, I FUCKING KNEW she was still wanting to get her damn claws in you and would you listen to me?! NO!"
His chest was heaving in and out of him but the words kept coming. Like the relentless onslaught Ray had just sent him it was his turn.
"So whilst you were there gallivanting with her, not giving a shit about what you had at home, turns out, you weren't the only one getting some much needed attention."
His tone slowly started to adopt venom the more he spoke, Ray's earlier hardened expression diminishing and transitioning into pained and worry for the next string of words that would more than likely cut him like a knife.
"Contrary to what you might think I was far from interested at first. Sure, thought the guy was hot as hell. Shit, I'll be honest, I still fucking do. But that's all it was Ray. A bit of eye candy from a distance. But then that night you blew me off for them after I'd spent an hour making you dinner, he text me, gave me attention. Actually seemed to fucking desire me in a way that you haven't since god knows when!"
Every word, although he'd gone and had asked to know, stung in a way Ray didn't even know it could. All the while he truly didn't have a defence for, but it wasn't like Kai had asked for one, and like before he was done with asking for his forgiveness over it.
"We were working on making it better! And while here I was trying to do that you were fucking him behind my back! You fucking called his name the night we got back from the restaurant! It wasn't even that you wanted me then, it was because of him! Did you at all, for once, care if we fixed this at all?" His voiced strained, though his tears refused to fall this time around.
"Of course I did!" Kai snarled, looking at him like he'd asked the most ridiculous question in the world.
"Why would I go along with it all, put myself in that god awful position again of being sat in a therapy room with some random stranger if it was just for show huh? Just to pass the damn time?!"
His hate filled gaze remained on him. Lungs desperate for air and he could feel a raging headache coming on from all the shouting.
"I didn't wanna keep doing it. Didn't want to keep making things worse between us and believe me when I say I tried to stop it, fuck, I really did!"
Kai let out a hopeless laugh as his hand made it to his forehead before sliding down his face, knowing full well Ray wasn't going to believe a word of what he was saying but he'd asked and was going down the complete honesty route.
"You don't think I knew it was wrong? You think I'm fucking stupid? I knew it was all wrong Ray but shit, it was exciting! That was it! Was a cheap thrill and I drank it up because he made me feel like I was actually wanted! It's pathetic! I know! 'Cos we all know damn well a guy like that is only after one thing but in the moment he made me feel a type of way that you haven't in a while."
"Because all of yesterday morning meant absolutely nothing to either of us, then. Apparently. Oh, but all just because she shows up! For fucks sakes Kai, the least you could have done then, the best route to take, was wait for me to come home and talk to me about it. Any sane and normal person would have done that! But no. The 'thrill' or whatever the fuck it was, was just 'too' great to pass up." Ray bit, the sarcasm back and burning.
"Thank God and whoever else out there Tiffany is a woman, cus who knows what kind of 'thrills' you could have gotten up to then all these years." His sore eyes rolled, hoping his words hit a mark somewhere, but at this point in time he was sure they were wasted on him.
If he had cared, any, that they were putting things back together then he wouldn't have been screwing Tala behind the scenes. That was just a damn fact.
How they got to where they were now, they couldn't change that, but he had thought they were at least trying to make better steps forward before everything fell around them.
But while he was grasping with both hands too tightly, it seemed Kai had already let go.
His feral eyes locked back on him, arms coming around his chest as his hip went out some as his tongue ran along the front of his teeth before his upper lip curled back some.
"And yes, I do think you're stupid. All of that is stupid. To go and let yourself be used by someone who doesn't give a shit about you, for some cheap ass, while throwing away someone who has always cared and has always been there for you. Guess what, Kai, life happens. Shit gets hard and things don't always work out, but the kicker here is that I was still willing to try. I still wanted you, as long as you still wanted me, and I'd do anything and everything to change what I did but I can't. But I thought that I was doing my best in showing you how sorry I was for doing it to us in the first place, but again. Just wasn't good enough for you." His feet moved him quickly to the stairs, if Kai followed then he followed but for now he was done and just wanted to get his things and leave this all behind him now and move on for good.
Kai remained put but his feet were itching to follow. Hands wanting to throttle him but arms desperate to just wrap around him and hold on tight.
He felt an idiot. How he'd allowed history to repeat itself in such a way that was once again him succumbing to some form of temptation, some darkness that was no good for him, he had no idea.
He took himself off into the living room opposite. The room seeming a little bare with the coffee table he'd smashed up yesterday no longer there in the center, swept up and placed outside where this relationship should go - in the trash.
He flopped onto the couch, resting his head in his hands as his ears still rang from the yells and roaring voices that had gone on for almost an hour now.
He took in a deep breath, fingers pressing into his temples to try relieve the pain thumping away in his head.
He probably should have waited for him to get home. Never should have called his assistant for Tala's number again and not reacted in such an extreme way like he did. He'd deleted the number for a reason as he really was trying to walk away from it and he should have stood by that decision.
Though, what difference it would've made he wasn't sure. Mariah was still pregnant at the end of the day, and he'd still been screwing around with Tala prior so.
Really, what difference would it have made if he'd have waited and spoke to Ray about it? Only thing was that if he had, Ray would have still been none the wiser of all he'd done. Wouldn't have had front row seats to it that was for sure.
But then what?
Like hell would he have gotten over the fact she was pregnant so they'd have broke it all off anyway but Ray would've been seen as the only guilty party.
Was still a lose/lose situation either way regardless of what he did.
He eased himself back into the couch. Hands falling from his face as his eyes watered. The sound of Ray pulling apart trash bag after trash bag upstairs, filling it with his clothes, his belongings and more than likely deliberately leaving anything that reminded him of him.
He was sorry... he really was.. for all of it.
Though, what was done was done now... He couldn't change any of it.
Ray would be fine. Got a damn baby of all things to keep himself occupied and busy for the next 18 years. Whereas him?
What the fuck did he have now?
The second he'd made it to the room, the damn tears fell out of him again with no end in sight this time.
What was once a place where he'd felt more home and safe than anywhere in the world was now completely so foreign to him he almost didn't recognize it, even if it looked exactly the same as it did yesterday (aside from one redhead screwing his boyfriend on his bed).
He did his best to avoid looking at it, lest he just see it all happening again and again and again. He only had one thing to do and that was get his shit and get the hell out as fast as he could now. Could just open the window and drop the bags out of it so he didn't have to make all the trips up and down the stairs just to avoid Kai again.
How he'd gone and wasted years of his life with someone who would just turn and throw it all away like this, he didn't know, but at the same time was torn.
Would he do it again?
Ten to one he would because even despite all this, he still loved him. Still had wanted things to work out, just such a shame Kai didn't. Regardless of what he'd said.
Actions spoke louder than words, and Kai had always been a man of action. So him saying that he wanted it to work but going around and sleeping with Tala behind his back was clearly a lie, all for some cheap 'thrill'.
Well now, he could have all the cheap fucking thrills his black heart wanted!
He didn't even realize the pained cry that tore out of him as he shoved an armful of clothes into a bag, the plastic ripping along the side with how tightly he'd been pulling the top part of it and the clothes that he'd already shoved in there spilled out on the floor around him.
His chest heaved, vision blurry from the accumulation of tears in his eyes as he sat there and put his face in his hands.
With Kai sitting in complete silence downstairs, the only noise being the loud ramblings going on in his head, the distraught sound that had come from Ray's throat in the bedroom had easily made it to his ears.
Of all the noises he'd ever heard from a person he'd never heard a tone so heart-breaking. There was no denying that Ray was obviously just as hurt as he was. Perhaps even more so.
He continued to sit for a minute, suppressing his breathing somewhat to listen for more sounds from him. Conflicted on whether he should remain right where he was and let Ray do what he came to do, or go upstairs and just, be there for him, he didn't fucking know.
Love really was the most messed up emotion you could experience. All made sense now on why they trained him to specifically avoid such feelings because all it did was fuck you up internally.
How can you hate someone for all they'd done to you, said to you, yet still want them to be okay? Still want to comfort them when you hear them upset?
At another muffled cry from above he rose to his feet. Almost hesitantly treading up the stairs and heading for their bedroom.
Would Ray even want him there? Might have been yet another one of his scenarios where he took himself off specifically just to get away from him, but he slowly pushed open the bedroom door anyway, a slight creak letting the male inside know that he was no longer alone.
Ray didn't even look up, face still in his hands and beyond done with everything and anything that at this point he shouldn't have come at all.
They were just pieces of fabric, easily replaced, wasn't like he had much of anything else that he absolutely needed to live with and now that he thought about it, where the hell was he going to put anything? He didn't want to burden Tyson anymore than what he already was, much less take up space in his home.
"I ripped the bag!" His distressed voice came out of him, why that was what he had said to him he didn't know, not when there were so many other things he could have said to him in the moment but right now he just couldn't deal with another screaming match. Couldn't deal with pointing fingers and who was to blame for the reason he was even putting his clothes in trash bags like he was.
Kai looked down to him as he let go of the safety barrier that was the door and stepped further into the room. Continuing to take cautious steps as he made it over to his double wardrobe and pulled out a decently sized duffle bag from the bottom of it.
He set it down on the bed for him and opened up the zipper.
"You don't have to take everything in one go... isn't going anywhere..." He said in a mutter, his tone now showing clear defeat and hopelessness as he fussed with the bag. "Use this instead, make things easier for yourself.."
Even with the softer tone, Ray still flinched on the floor but removed his face from his hands and looked up to see what Kai was doing then at the clothes he'd gone and packed in a bag already and the ones he was sitting in now.
It hadn't occurred to him until now just how many clothes he had, having just gone and grabbed everything from his drawers almost blindly and shoving them in, hadn't even made it to the closet yet either. He was sure half of these clothes hadn't been worn in a year or two either.
Kai was right, they weren't going anywhere, but it wasn't like he wanted to have to come back more than once and do this. He didn't even want to do this in the first place!
He simply nodded to him, taking a hold of himself and letting out deep breaths to try and calm some of the new tears as he shuffled through the clothes that had exploded out of the bag.
His hand paused and hovered over a shirt that made his chest ache worse, one that Kai had bought him that was one of his favourites because of how well it fit him and just the fact that Kai had bought it on a whim and surprised him with it one day after he'd said he'd liked it the day before when they had been out window shopping.
His fingers curled around the fabric, and shoved it away into a different pile, one that he wouldn't be taking with him and went to sort through the rest of his clothes.
"Do what you want with these, and whatever's left in the closet."
Kai silently nodded to him. Knowing that he wasn't going to just go and throw his things away and was going to leave everything right where it was for the time being.
Just because they were starting all over again in regards of a relationship, that didn't mean Ray had to start again with his home life too. Throwing out all of his things for whatever reason, there was no need for it they could be civil with this.
He didn't mind keeping his things here until he eventually got a place of his own he was sure with his new family. Wasn't like his house wasn't big enough.
He sat himself down on the bed, feeling awkward just hanging around and watching Ray pack but at the same time didn't want to leave.
"I'm sorry..."
Hand coming away from the pile of clothes, having two on either side of him now with the one he was leaving behind bigger than the one he was taking, Ray lowered his head where his bangs covered his face and took in another shaky breath.
"Bit late for that..." He breathed out, eyes looking past the dark curtain of his hair to him on the bed.
"It's so goddamn late for that, Kai. Because like you already said, he gave you what I couldn't. And all the while it was never my intention to do what I did, you had every intention to do what you did. And yet, the only one who was actually sorry for it, the one who was trying and putting in the actual effort to fix it all, was me. Because hell, if I hadn't come home early yesterday I wouldn't have known at all, would I?
"You've kept this from me, this entire time. Almost two months, two months Kai! While I've been made to feel like the bad guy this whole time. And yes, I know! I know what I did was wrong, I do. And I apologized, so many times I lost count! But it wasn't enough." Although his voice had risen, had bite to it, it wasn't the hysterical screaming and shouting he'd been doing downstairs. If anything he was calm, which in a way surprised himself because he felt anything but calm. And why he continued to waste his words on him, he didn't know.
Though Kai's demeanour started to adopt an expression that suggested he was anything but calm and his tone rose to match it.
"Wait. You think I fucking planned all of this? You really think I intended on doing what I did? Have you not listened to a damn word I've said to you the entire time you've been here?!"
He hadn't planned shit! Ray couldn't be serious right now?!
Sure he shouldn't have invited Tala over that night he dropped Ray at the airport. Shouldn't have put himself in such a vulnerable position, open for temptation. But he hadn't ever planned on fucking him.
Hadn't he?
He'd known Tala was interested in him. Hell, the guy had barely kept it a secret. He knew what he had been fixing for, and Kai still allowed him to come over and it be just the two of them.
Was almost like he'd hoped for what happened to happen...
But no! That wasn't true! It wasn't meant to turn into what it did. Was meant to be harmless texts and the redhead thirsting over him from afar and just stroking his ego every now and then. How that had transitioned into him stroking his cock he didn't know. But it wasn't planned!
"I could say the same about you though!" he then hurled back. "You've kept her close all this time, knowing how she felt about you, knowing how you felt about her. But I'm just supposed to believe you hadn't planned any of it?"
"Believe what you want, Kai! At this point what does it matter what either of us believe any ways?! Late nights at the office, hell if I know if that's the truth now, been living in a lie for two months with you when I have been nothing but honest with you about where she stood and where she will always stand! Yes, I realize now that it was wrong to keep her around knowing how badly she had it out for you, and how badly you had it out for her. That I will take responsibility for, and for all the other shit that I have done. I can do that! But can you do the same?!"
"I have!" Kai spat as he abruptly stood up from the bed, eyes watering now in frustration as he stood before him. "I apologised! Not that it'll ever fucking cut it but please believe me when I say I'm fucking sorry Ray! I'm sorry you had to see that and I'm sorry for every time I hurt you, mentally or physically."
A lone tear trickled down his fair cheek as he kept his eyes on him. He'd usually falter and shy away from showing such emotion but he needed him to see, needed Ray to believe that he was riddled with remorse and regret.
"And yet my own fucking apologies weren't enough for you!" Ray screamed back at him, picking himself up off the floor so he didn't have to crane his neck just to look at him.
"And you know, the best part of this. I didn't have to say shit to you about it. I didn't have to tell you anything, but I wanted to be honest with you. Wanted to put things back the way they were. I could have been like you, not say anything and just have it shoved in your face like you did to me. But I didn't. I didn't because I actually fucking loved you!"
Kai's chest heaved in on him as that revelation felt like he'd just had the air knocked out of him. Another tear slipping down his cheek as he stared back at him processing what he'd thrown his way.
As painful as it was to hear, Ray had done him some form of courtesy being the one to confess that day. Confess to his sins and beg for his forgiveness.
He couldn't even imagine giving Mariah the satisfaction of revealing everything to him completely out of the blue as she had done with the baby scan.
That's what had happened to Ray though.. straight caught them in the act. The confession of his affair not through words, but imagery...
He swallowed. His throat feeling tighter now at the painful lump sitting within it and kept his lips closed.
He really didn't have anything to say to him...
Ray's eyes stayed on him, watering heavily and having hoped to hear something back. Either more heated words or that Kai at some point in time did love him too, but with him standing there quietly now in the stale air around them maybe that was his cue to stay quiet now himself and finish getting his things and finally walking out of his life.
Grabbing the pile of clothes he'd put aside to take with him, he took them to the bag Kai had set out and dumped them in. Coming back for the trash bag he'd packed and zipped up the duffle bag quietly, nearly choking on the tension now.
He wished he could wish him well, to have a good life and to take care of himself but just didn't have it in him to do anything more but stare at him with the same broken hearted gaze he'd gone and adopted.
The whole scene felt familiar. Ray with bags packed and the two of them watching the others heart shatter further before their eyes. The only thing that was missing was an electric flight screen and the odd announcement over the tannoy system radiating through the airport.
He was leaving him. Again.
And it was all because of him... Again.
The only difference this time though was that he knew he wasn't ever coming back and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it.
Tears kept on silently rolling down his cheeks and like he was replaying the scene to its fullest, Kai daring to take a step forward, hesitantly opening his arms up and wrapping them around Ray's neck.
Regardless of everything he needed to just press pause on this. Needed to just take a step back from it all and try and feel some normality for a moment.
Just hold him. Feel him a final time. Breathe in his scent and try to engrain it into his memory.
Ray tensed, though relaxed instantly. Even after everything, all the harsh words, all the horrible things they'd gone and done to each other, this still felt like home and he wanted nothing more than to rewind the clock and take it all back just so he could stay.
Timidly, almost as if he were afraid, his own arms came up and limply held around Kai's back and buried his face into his chest.
"I'm s-sorry..." His voice cracked as he cried into him.
Kai's lower lip trembled something fierce as he rest his head in dark hair. The grip he had on him tightening a little as he sniffled and his next words coming out in a weak whisper.
"Don't go..."
He didn't want to, but how could he stay? How could they actually fix any of this this time around? There really was no salvaging it, no matter how hard they tried.
He shook his head into him, slowly letting his hands fall away and back to his sides.
"I'm sorry.." He repeated, unable to look him in the face. "I can't..."
Kai loosened his grip of him feeling the hold Ray had on him break and cupped his chin, lifting his head up to look at him.
"You can! We can sort this, Ray. I- I don't know how, but we can fix this!" He blurted out to him in clear desperation, his thumb wiping at the tears falling from golden eyes.
He couldn't do this without him. He was his everything. Kid or not they could surely get through this, and just pretend none of it ever happened. Go back to how they were!
He couldn't leave him. He wanted him. Needed him.
Ray choked on a sob, head still shaking slowly. "I a-already tried."
"We can try again! Have more therapy! Anything! I'll do anything! Everything's out there now Ray there's nothing else to hide!" Kai's voice cracked on him as he cupped both sides of Ray's face with his hands now, tears shamelessly falling from his glistening eyes before pressing his forehead against his.
"Please... please don't leave me... I love you, I need you..."
"I can't, Kai! I tried! I gave everything I could, everything! I can't do it again! You're too late!" He yelled, pulling out of his hold and taking a step back.
"Just let me go, because you didn't seem to care at all yesterday what could have happened if I knew. You didn't care until now! It's too late to care!"
"R-Ray.." Kai stuttered, reaching out for him as Ray had turned to pick up his bags from the bed. "No.. it- it isn't too late... It isn't too late! We can fix this!" He cried out almost hysterically grabbing the handles of the duffle bag that the other had a hold of.
"I'm nothing without you Ray! Don't you understand! You can't leave me!"
Ray's heart leapt in his throat, tugging at the bag that Kai now had a hold of as they fought over it.
"Let go Kai, let it go! I don't want this anymore! I don't want this!" He screamed and cried at him, pulling the bag as hard as he could.
"I-I don't l-love you anymore, so let. It. Go!" He lied, anything to get this over and done with so the torment would end. He couldn't take it anymore. Feeling like he was fixing to collapse from exhaustion while his head seared with a headache that had settled in along with everything else just hurting ten times worse every time he was set off again.
He just wanted it to end.
At that pale fingers immediately lost their grip as Kai's whole body seemed to freeze up on him and shut down almost.
"What?"
As quickly as he could, before Kai grabbed hold of it again, Ray snatched the duffle bag off the bed and clutched it to his side as his body shook harder than it ever had.
"D-don't even... Even pretend... T-hat you love m-me anymore either... We... We wouldn't be doing th-this if we did.." He stuttered, trying his hardest to keep standing as he drove in the final knife but couldn't even look him in the face as he did it.
It was all a lie, but of course it was, but after time eventually it would be the truth. They'd stop loving each other. Move on. Maybe find someone else to waste their time on and rinse and repeat.
"I.. I d-don't, Kai... So just let m-me go." He heaved.
What was left of Kai's heart shattered as he stared back with parted lips in both shock and disbelief.
His mind was racing, his breathing starting to become erratic as he looked to the other male who refused to meet his gaze now.
"No... you... you don't mean that... you're lying..." He managed through his shuddering breaths, clutching on to the slightest ounce of hope that was drastically fading.
Ray shook his head back, unable to even utter a word now.
Why couldn't he just let him go?!
Leaving the trash bag of clothes by the bed, he took what little he had in the duffle bag at his side and quickly pivoted on his heels.
He just needed to go, end it before they continued to go in circles and practically ran for the bedroom door.
Kai watched him go, his body wanting to chase him but as he took a step forward the floor seemed to tilt beneath him; the extreme stress, lack of calories and exhaustion finally taking it's toll and his vision suddenly blurred on him.
His lungs desperately worked to get oxygen back up to his brain so he didn't pass out right there and then, his hand meeting the wall to keep him steady and upright when even with his muffled senses he heard the front door slam shut.
He collapsed into the wall completely, leaning his back against it before sinking down to the carpeted floor.
An almighty cry tearing from his throat seconds after as his hands made it into his hair and gripped tight.
He was gone... Ray was gone and he didn't love him anymore...
He was gone... and he wasn't coming back...