Chapter 7.

Those last few weeks had been weird, to say the least. He had spent the last 7 years alone, going for days on hand without talking to anyone, and now he found himself having a sort of long-distance relationship with a girl he had never seen but which had stolen his scarred heart, and a friendship of sorts with a former student which had been a pain in his arse for far too long.

Nearly three weeks before, he had woken up in his bed one morning sporting a painful erection and a beautiful creature watching over him, from behind the screen, while he slept. She had seen him stir, starting to come out from sleep, and written to him -Good Morning, my handsome bastard., and he had smiled at it while stifling a yawn. It had been a weird and beautiful, overwhelming and heart-aching sensation but he had loved it. The way she had trusted him with something so intimate the night before had warmed his soul and he knew he had fallen asleep with a soft smile on his lips. From there on, they had talked to each other every night and shared some more personal moment together. She seemed happier and he was as well, like he hadn't been in what felt like forever, even if she still didn't want to show herself. It was the same for him, despite knowing she really liked him, because the fear of rejection was stronger than everything. However, he didn't know how much he still could resist without being with her. He wanted Alba and needed to keep her between his arms.

Severus had also seen Hermione Granger two more times at the bookshop and planned to see her again in two days. The girl had been a surprise and, even if he would never tell her, he appreciated her company greatly. She would often drag him out of the bookshop and into the coffee shop they had had their first tea together, and they would pass some time talking about different things, sometimes arguing over this or that potion article. He enjoyed his time with her and, even if she still was the curious kind, didn't talked as much as she used to as a schoolgirl. They had also talked more about her relationship with the dunderhead and they had agreed that cheating on him wasn't the solution, nor the right thing to do, if she wanted to solve her problems. Weasley had not shown for more than one week after his bashing and when he had, Hermione had clearly told him she needed some time alone to clear her mind and think things through. When they had talked about this there had been a moment when she had blushed furiously, and only after some thought he had recalled that it had happened when they had had the cheating-talk. That's why he had wondered if she had been thinking about someone in particular, or if there was someone else in her life. However, he had not pried further.

Three days later, while reading the introduction of a book he was interested in, Severus wasn't disappointed when he heard her voice from behind his back.

"Tea?" she asked in a bright voice. "Or would you prefer coffee today?"

Closing the book and putting it back on the shelf, he was made speechless when his eyes landed on her. It was a sunny day, one of those you didn't often see in London, and Hermione was wearing a light brown jacket over a yellow summer dress which left a good portion of her legs bare and low wedge heels. He looked at her, not bothering to hide his perusal of her body, and she blushed furiously which made the freckles on her cheeks stand up. She is pretty!, he thought before internally shaking his head. No, not pretty, beautiful.

"Tea is perfectly fine." He answered her in a husky tone.

They went over to the small cafè and they found it quite crowded for a Thursday, so she suggested they took their brews away and went on a stroll around the small park located near there.

It was strange for him to silently walk in the company of a former student, knowing that no Master was going to summon him, and that Harry Potter would not be putting himself in danger anytime soon. It was strange to be in peace, to be free and be able to do all those things he had always been privy of. When they reached a small clearing, he sat down on a wooden bench while she took a place near him on the grass. He didn't know why she did it, but the way the sun played on her face whenever she would gaze at him highlighted her features in a very enticing fashion.

"How are you these days? I was so caught up in my messy life I haven't asked you much about yours." She asked suddenly before sipping on her tea.

"Fine." He answered watching two kids playing football in the distance. "As usual. The same boring stuff every day."

"I bet these years have been difficult for you. Are you still in touch with Professor McGonagall or I don't know, any other Professor or member of the Order? I sometimes hear from her and Professor Vitious but I haven't kept in touch much with the others…"

"Not really." He shrugged, still looking at the two children. He brought his attention to her only when he felt a feather-light touch on his hand, and when he gazed down Hermione was tracing the marks on his fingers, the ones he had collected in his many years as a Potions Master. He watched her closely, not wanting to pull his hand away even if the contact was making him slightly uncomfortable.

"Just me." She whispered softly finally looking at him.

"Just you."

"Any woman?" she then asked with a smirk and, at his tense expression, she chuckled, and he relaxed just a fraction.

"You are a little minx, Granger." He told her pulling his hand away and moving a strand of hair from his face.

"Well, I'm curious! I have told you a lot about me, but I know nothing about you and your life!"

And it was true. He had barely said a word about his life before, during or after his spying days, and everything she knew, she knew it because it was common knowledge. He had always been on his own, hiding from anyone and keeping his secrets, but he didn't need to do that anymore. Still, talking about himself was difficult and he had a hard time answering her questions. However, he tried his best. He was loathed to admit it, but she liked her and even if he didn't understand why, he felt sufficiently comfortable with her. As it seems, she was with him as well.

"None." He whispered looking away. It was true, she had asked if he saw any woman, and he didn't. Unfortunately, he had never seen Alba.

"Men?"

"Granger!"

"Well..." she said softly before asking in a low tone, unsure of herself and of what she was saying. "Do you wish there was someone, then?"

"I'm not sure. I don't really think about this kind of things."

It wasn't true and he knew it. She probably knew herself but didn't say anything. Severus wanted to forget everything that his life had been and get a new one. He wanted to move on, be happy and wake up every morning with a woman in love with him between his arms. He wanted a normal life and not to be watched like he is a monster. He wasn't going to tell her however, because it was to painful to think about, and even more painful to imagine what his life would be in a couple of years' time. He wanted what he had never had; happiness.

"What about... Harry's mum?"

"What about her?"

"Do you still love her?"

"I don't and haven't in many years, Granger."

The memory of Lily had haunted him for years, and it still did sometimes when he was feeling particularly melancholy or depressed. Fortunately, it didn't happen as often as it used to, but he still had those days sometimes, mostly on those times when he found himself thinking about her death or things that made him think of her. However, he didn't love anymore and hadn't loved her for a long time. His problem was his guilt and the knowledge that she had died because of him, and because he had been a selfish idiot striving to make an impression. He had regretted it immediately after, but the damage had already been done. He had fought all his life for her, to redeem himself and show that he really regretted what he had done. He had given his life for her and her child and would do it again, even now that he knew what it would cost him.

His reveries were interrupted one more time by Granger who, pressing again her hand against his, surprised him again. She was so insightful and empathetic, he had discovered, that she sometimes scared him. No wonder Potter and Weasley always went to her for everything. She was a good woman.

"Then you are free to love again. Why don't you do it?"

"I'm not looking for a woman right now, thank you."

"Are you afraid?" she asked suddenly, standing up from her spot on the grass and sitting down again, this time on the bench right next to him.

"Of what?" he answered gritting his teeth, somewhat angry at her question, and going immediately on the defensive.

"Suffering again."

"Stop it, Granger." He threatened, but she seemed unaffected. He moved his heated gaze from her eyes to a point somewhere on his left but her soft voice and gentle touch on his cheek, moving a strand of raven hair which had fallen on his face, beckoned him to her again.

"You deserve to be loved, Severus. You have wasted enough of your time, don't you think?"

Hermione's words shocked him, leaving him speechless. His eyelids fluttered closed for a moment and he breathed deeply loving the feeling of her soft and warm hand on his rough flesh. He missed human contact, the feeling of peace and calm and rightness it always brought with it when it wasn't done with the intent of hurting him. And he knew he needed it as well; he was starving. Without even thinking he leaned on her touch and he swallowed hard when he felt her tiny arms envelope him. His soul felt lighter and so did his heart. Severus had hurt her more times than he cared to remember, and yet there she was, forgiving him, holding the monster she knew him to be and yet not caring. His scars ached and his insides burnt but he felt safe with her, like he belonged there.

"Don't you think I have deserved all I have got?" he said in a whisper, his voice low and muffled by her hair.

"No, I don't think so."

They stayed like that for some time and to him it seemed like she had needed that hug as much as he had needed it, and this made him pleased in a strange sort of way. He carefully disentangled himself from her hug and looked at her with a playful smirk on his lips.

"You used to be a brat. When did that change?" he told Hermione and she smaked him on his arm, making him laugh. He liked taunting her and the way she jokingly looked so offended.

"You used to be a bastard. When did that change?" she retorted crossing her arms, and his grin broadened.

"It didn't. I'm still a bastard."

"Not as bastard as you used to be, then."

"Touché."

She was still touching him, keeping his large hand in her smaller one, like she didn't want to let him leave. Well, he didn't really. He found her companionship nice and he felt comfortable with her, even though it was weird to think she had been his student only a couple of years before, because she wasn't there to judge him. She knew what a bastard he was and was aware at least a little of what he had been forced to do to keep his cover. She knew he should have ended in Azkaban but she still didn't want him there.

"I wish I had known before what a wonderful person you are." She said truthfully chaining her eyes to his and one more time he found himself lost in her caramel irises and in that visage he had learnt to appreciate and look for when walking on the street. Who knows if things would have been different if he had had her as an ally during his darkest days.

"You weren't meant to know. No one was."

"I don't mean when you were my teacher, I mean 7, 5, 4 years ago, last year... Just, before now."

"It's never too late." He told her and he meant it.

Hermione smiled at him and release his hand. They stayed there for some time, quietly talking or lost in their own thoughts, until it was time to go and he escorted her to her flat. She thanked him for having spent his free evening with her and for having escorted her up to her home, but he waved her thanks away.

"I... Would like to ask you to come inside, but I guess you have to go back…"

"Indeed, I have."

"Next time perhaps?" she asked hopefully, chewing on her lower lips; a habit he remembered she had had even when she had been a student.

"Next time."

"Good night, Professor."

"Good night, Granger." He replied and walked away. When he was halfway, he turned on his heels and called her. "Ah, Granger. You may call me, Severus."

The smile she gave him was the brightest he had ever seen and something inside him moved so forcefully he had closed his eyes and breathe deeply. I'm doing the right thing, I know I am.

"Severus!" she called him again, tasting his name on her tongue. "You may call me, Hermione."

He didn't smile as wide as she had but he did nonetheless. He was feeling happy like he had been only a few times in his fucking life. It was time to live again and he was going to do it.