Chapter Three:

Lost

If I could pull you from the wreckage.
We'd be alright.
Oh Lord, don't tell me this is happening.
If I could hold you for a second
We'd be alright.
Oh Lord, don't tell me this is happening

-Still Alive, Blessthefall

{Donnie}

It's pouring now. Thunder crashes, lightning strikes overhead—everything's a haze of mist and rain.

We've pulled the Shellrazor into an alley. I sit on the bottom step with Mikey slumped against me, holding the gauze on his head and staring out at the storm. Raph's trying to overturn the city. Trash cans are thrown, dumpsters flipped on their side, fire escapes climbed once and then twice, just to make sure. Every roof has been scoured, every manhole searched. We drove the streets for two hours and found nothing—not a single trace of our brother.

I close my eyes and rest my chin on Mikey.

"Don't fall asleep, okay?" I whisper, nudging him gently. He tucks his knees to his chest and mumbles.

"But I'm tired…"

"I know—I am too. We just have to make sure your head's okay. The bleeding's stopped, but you could have a concussion."

"I'm fine."

The sky rumbles. Somehow, the rain comes down harder, splashing us in the doorway of the Shellrazor. I notice Mikey starting to shiver and pull him closer.

"Leo's strong," he whispers. "And smart. He knows how to take care of himself…and he always comes home…" He sighs heavily as Raph shouts in the distance, enraged and broken and lost and scared.

"We'll find him…right, Donnie?"

My heart sits heavy in my chest. I wrap my arms around him and nod. "We'll find him, Mikey, don't worry."

I look up at the storm suffocating the night sky.

"We should go home. We're not making any progress with the rain like this."

"Try telling Raph that."

I sigh. We're going to have a hell of a time getting Raph back on the Shellrazor. I can't blame him—none of us want to go home without Leo. None of us want to face Splinter—again—and have to tell him we lost our brother to our worst enemy. I can feel my gut churning at the thought. Everything is heavy and sick and twisted inside of me.

"Stay here," I mumble. "I'll go get him."

~T~

{Raph}

The sky screams around me. Rain pours, thunder crashes, shouting amongst the clouds, throwing bolts of bright blue lightning in its wake. It screams for me, cries for me, drowns the world out for me because I can't, I'm weak in the knees, my chest full of lead and water and pain and I just want to collapse and cry on the asphalt but I can't—Leo's still out here, somewhere, I know it.

And I know I shouldn't, I know I need to stop, but my fist smashes into the nearest glass window; just to feel something break beneath my bones, just to hear the sound and feel the sting of blood running down my knuckles and mixing with the ever-present rain. An alarm starts ringing, but it sounds like an insect compared to the cacophony of the storm overhead.

I lean against the wall, breathing hard, mind stumbling over every thought. The blood drips from my fingers. I clench my hand, hoping the pain will blunt the panic and anguish. It doesn't.

I searched every rooftop, scoured the streets below. No cars, no vans, no motorcycles or Foot soldiers or anything. It's like it never even happened.

"Raph? Raph!"

I close my eyes and feel the rain wash my face. Donnie's footsteps splash in the street as he runs to me. I already know what he's going to say. I know Leo's gone. No amount of running around up here is going to do anything.

"Raph—wait, are you bleeding? Are you okay?"

He grabs my hand—I let him, let him inspect and lecture me. I let the rain wash his words away.

"Shell, Raph, you need to be careful. You can't go around breaking stuff—"

"I can't find him."

The steadiness of my voice surprises me.

Donnie stares, eyes full of pain and worry and defeat, but all of that is glossed over by a look of sheer exhaustion.

"We'll get him back, Raph," he says firmly, gripping my hand tight. "I promise, we will. But right now… The storm's too much. We have to go home, regroup, come up with a plan—something. We're just wasting time out here."

My chest fills with air that goes nowhere. "…I know."

His gaze holds my face steady. A sound becomes strangled in his throat—he steps forward and hugs me.

"It's okay," he says, over and over. "We're okay—he's okay…"

I don't hug him back. My arms feel so heavy. Everything is. I want to believe Donnie—I want to trust in him, like I should have the last time we lost Leo. But my thoughts are a whirlwind of destruction and fear and ache. I'm so scared, my body is becoming numb, unable to handle the rush of cold, the what-ifs, the thoughts of Leo, alone and broken and hurt and dead—

He's not dead—

But he could be.

I clench my jaw and snap my eyes shut. The thunder crashes, breaking the train of nightmares in my brain.

"…Come on, Raph."

Donnie's voice brings me back. I'm shivering. He squeezes my shoulders.

"Mikey's waiting, we gotta get back to him. We have to get home."

Lightning streaks through the clouds. I swallow hard, throat raw, and nod. I let him hold my arm as we walk back to the Shellrazor, soaking wet, cold to our bones.

We get back in the subway car. Mikey simply looks at me with gray blue eyes, with that same defeat and exhaustion Donnie wears in his own. I sit beside him, numb to my core.

There is silence as Donnie drives us through the flooded streets. The rain follows us, washing us back down to the sewers towards home.

Alone.