Chapter Seven:
Empty
I saw the cracks in the walls
I painted over them all
I tried my best to just ignore
I can't ignore
-Buried Beneath, Red
[Donnie]
"He's gone, Sensei."
It isn't the first time we've come home and had to utter those words.
It isn't the first time we've watched our father's expression break alongside his heart.
And it isn't the first time we've crawled to our beds, alone, aching, and broken. Our family is broken.
It's been broken before—so many times, it seems—and so far it has always managed to piece itself back together. Maybe not the same as before, but together. Every time it seemed like the world was ending, and looking back, we saw it was merely turning the page.
I want to believe this time is no different. I want to believe that the pieces know their own way by now, and our lives will once again resemble some form of normalcy.
I want to believe…
But somehow, I know.
This time will be different. Because the pieces no longer exist.
…
"Donnie?"
My eyes are open—they've been open for hours, glazed toward the ceiling where I count the cracks in the cement and wonder when our world will fall on our heads.
Mikey comes into the room and closes the door behind him. As he shuffles toward the bed, I try to find the right words to say to ease the pain dripping from our bodies. Why does it feel like last time Leo was gone, I knew what to say? And why do those same words that comforted us then feel so alien and distant now?
I move over. He crawls into bed next to me and lays on his back with a sigh. No cuddling, no crying, no words—he's growing used to this.
And we lay there together, staring up at the same maze of lines above us.
"I'm tired," he mutters.
Yeah," I sigh. "Me too."
Silence fills the space between. The night replays in my head, over and over again, and that awful, hollow sense of loss overcomes me. I feel gouged out; cold and void. I don't know how or from where to even summon the strength to lead our family the way I did before.
Mikey, ever conscious to the thoughts and emotions that seep from my mind and swirl in the air, shifts quietly next to me.
"It's okay, D. I know last time, things got a little messed up. But we're better. I think we're a little stronger now."
I chew on the inside of my lip. I don't want to say what I'm thinking. I don't want to give the horrid images in my brain a form, much less a voice. And somehow, Mikey sees them too.
"I'm still scared," he says quietly. "It feels different… But we'll fix this, right?"
I give a short nod. "We have to."
The door slides open, almost inaudibly. I lift my head up a bit to see Raph's green eyes floating in the doorway.
"Move over," he mumbles, shutting the door behind him. Mikey and I scoot to the side until I'm pressed between the bed and the wall, but I don't complain. He's here—that's what matters.
He grunts, settling in under the covers with a heavy sigh.
"You okay, Raph?" Mikey asks. There's a long pause before he answers, but his eyes are burning fierce.
"Get some sleep," he murmurs. "We have a long day tomorrow…and a lot of asses to kick."