Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Grey's Anatomy or its characters.
I had this idea not long after watching Season 12, Episode 9 "The Sound of Silence". Seeing the amount of pain/ fear Amelia was feeling, I thought she should have had someone there to help her through. So, I wrote this! Please let me know what you think.
I hope you enjoy!
Amelia Shepherd's heart dropped as she walked into trauma room 1 and saw everyone rushing around Meredith Grey's battered form.
No...this can't be happening...I should have been here...I should have come here first…
Her whole body was trembling as her knees buckled and she slid to the floor, sobbing.
Did I...did I kill her? Because I was mad and made a stupid choice? Oh god, she was...is...the closest thing I have to family...she can't be dead…she can't...
The darkness was closing in. The weight of all of her fuck ups, all her downfalls, filling her body and pulling her down. Forcing her to stay there, staring at the blood...the broken blinds...the instruments scattered.
"Amelia?"
The voice sounded distant, muffled.
"Amelia, what happened?"
A warm hand touched her shoulder while blue eyes and blonde hair swam in front of her, overwhelming her senses.
"Hey, are you ok?" Arizona asked gently, her face covered in concern.
"Mer...Meredith…"
"What about Meredith?"
"She...she's hurt. It's my fault. She paged me, she asked me to come. I didn't and he...he hurt her…" Amelia rambled.
"Ok, ok," Arizona interrupted, brushing a stray hair back from Amelia's face before she could continue her panicked explanation. "Amelia, I'm sure this isn't your fault. You couldn't have known this would happen," she said sincerely.
Amelia locked eyes with Arizona and croaked, "I didn't come because I was mad. I was mad and wanted to make her wait. And now she might...she might be dead."
Her sentence was punctuated with a deep sob as her emotions overpowered her.
Arizona just sat there for a moment, rubbing little circles on Amelia's back and thinking about what to do.
"Hey, why don't we move to someplace a little more comfortable," Arizona suggested. When Amelia didn't respond, she added, "We should let them get this room cleaned up for more patients."
That logic seemed to be enough for Amelia. She moved to get to her feet. But as she stood, she swayed and Arizona steadied her.
"I've got you," Arizona whispered as Amelia leaned into her for support.
Together they walked to the nearest on call room where Amelia almost immediately collapsed onto the couch. Noticing her shaking, Arizona grabbed a nearby blanket and wrapped it tightly around Amelia's shoulders.
"Why are you being so nice to me?" Amelia asked.
Arizona looked confused, "Should I not be?"
"I may have killed your friend…" Amelia answered, looking disgusted with herself.
"Amelia, Meredith isn't dead and she has some of the very best doctors taking care of her. Not to mention, this isn't your fault," Arizona reassured. "Besides, you're my friend too and I'm worried about you."
Amelia could see the truth of Arizona's words in her pleading eyes. She could tell that Arizona was silently begging her to believe her, to accept her help. She almost caved, she almost chose to soak up all of the comfort Arizona was offering. Instead, she hardened.
"You should go," Amelia said coldly.
Arizona seemed taken aback by the sudden change in tone and demeanor.
"Amelia…" she started.
"Arizona, we aren't friends. We only ever talked because your bestie had a beautiful impossible tumor that I wanted to play with. But, I've never wanted to be your friend," Amelia spat.
Arizona's mouth hung open before she regained her composure and quickly shut it. Her face hardened and without saying another word, Arizona simply got up and left. The instant the door closed behind her, Amelia broke down again. She stayed like that for quite a while, crying until the pillow she was resting her head on was soaked and she had no more tears left to shed. Then she just laid there as the sinking feeling increasingly weighed on her chest and her thoughts spiraled to darker depths than she could bear. She wanted drugs or alcohol or something...she needed it, she craved it. The simplicity of the chemical high. Even if it was false, it'd make her feel lighter again. Just for a little while. She was about to get up and go searching for something when the door opened. It was Arizona.
"I, uhhh...I thought you'd want to know. Meredith is doing ok. She's going to need some surgeries and right now she can't...well, she can't hear. But, she's alive."
"Thank you," Amelia said, her voice raspy.
Arizona took a step towards Amelia, her usual softness back, and asked, "Have you eaten anything today?"
Amelia shook her head no.
"Can I get you anything?"
"I'm not hungry," Amelia mumbled.
"Alright, at least drink something though. I could get you some juice or coffee?"
Amelia just shrugged.
"Ok," Arizona said, nodding.
She left and came back a moment later with a juice box, a water bottle, and a cup of tea.
"So you have options," Arizona explained before leaving again.
At first Amelia just laid there, drinking anything but alcohol seemed useless. But, she could see the steam rising off the tea and she knew it would soothe her aching throat. So, she sat up and slowly took a sip.
Chamomile, of course. How is Robbins so sweet when I'm a disaster and an ass?
Once the tea was finished, Amelia laid back down and tried to slow her racing thoughts.
Mer is ok. She's going to be ok...but she might be deaf? She'll never be able to forgive me. Even if she's not dead, I've still lost her. Which means I've lost most of my friends too. Except Arizona I guess. Unless she's just being nice because she pities me. I could always just go back to drugs. The only thing I'm good at is destroying myself and everything around me. So, I might as well give in...
The door opened again and Arizona stepped in.
"Hey, I was going to be heading out and wondered if you wanted a ride home?" she asked.
"Home?" Amelia scoffed. "I don't have a home right now, I can't go back there."
"Well then come home with me. You can sleep in my bed and I'll sleep in Sophia's, she's with Callie tonight," Arizona offered.
Amelia rolled her eyes, "Why are you still being nice to me?"
"Despite whatever your feelings towards me are Amelia, I care about you and I want to make sure you're ok. Come on, I'll order dinner. Whatever you'd like. You need to eat something," Arizona said, her tone a little shorter than before.
Amelia moved to stand up but landed quickly back on the couch, her head spinning.
"I guess you're right, I do need to eat something," Amelia said with a brusque laugh.
Arizona helped Amelia up and the pair walked together to the car. On the way to her house, Arizona called and ordered pizza.
"Thank you," Amelia said after an extended period of silence during the ride.
Arizona smiled, "Of course, don't worry about it."
Once they got to the house, Arizona showed Amelia the bathroom and bedroom and offered her some pajamas to wear. They settled in on the couch to eat and watch a mindless comedy. While they were watching, Amelia dozed off, her head coming to rest on Arizona's shoulder. Arizona let her stay like that for a bit before carefully waking her, guiding her to the bedroom, and going off to sleep in Sophia's bed.
A few hours later, Amelia woke with a start. She had been dreaming about seeing Meredith's bruised and swollen body in that trauma room. But, Mer was talking to her. Blaming her. Amelia glanced at the clock on the bedside table and saw that it was only 2 AM. Bars were still open and she needed a drink. So, she left. She slipped back into her clothes and quietly crept out into the night. The closest bar was only a few blocks away. Within a half hour she was plastered. By the time closing rolled around, she was beyond blackout. Somehow, she made it to the hospital and went searching for oxy until the start of her shift.
When Arizona awoke the next morning, she was alarmed to see Amelia missing.
"Everything ok? I noticed you were gone this morning," she quickly texted.
Surprisingly, Amelia answered immediately.
"Yeah, I just wanted to get in early to check on Mer," she said. "Thanks again for last night," a second text read.
Thinking Amelia was feeling better with some food and rest, Arizona headed to work as usual. But, something seemed off once she got there. Amelia was avoiding her and any potential surgeries. She was just standing outside of Mer's room until anyone she knew approached and then she'd scurry away.
About mid-morning, Arizona heard Richard shouting something about sobriety. When she went to investigate, she saw a teary eyed Amelia rushing out of Meredith's room, followed by an angry Webber. Arizona followed Amelia and caught her by her wrist, spinning her around. She could tell Amelia nearly lost her footing from that.
"You're drunk?" Arizona asked outright.
"And a liitttlee high," Amelia said, pinching her fingers together to demonstrate.
"Oh, Amelia," Arizona said, sounding disappointed.
"Ugh, please don't lecture me. I already got a time out from Richard. I'm 'suspended'," Amelia whined.
Arizona responded saying, "Fine, I won't lecture you. But, you are coming home with me right now and then later, once you sober up, you will contact Richard and you will go to a meeting."
Amelia rolled her eyes but didn't resist as Arizona grabbed her arm and guided her towards the exit. As soon as they were home, Arizona pulled out the leftover pizza from the night before and set a pot of coffee to brew.
"You need to eat something," she said, placing the food in front of the brunette.
"What I need is more booze," Amelia protested.
"Amelia, listen to me, ok? This is not what you want to do. I know that you're scared and angry and hurting, but drowning yourself in alcohol and pills is not the way you want to handle this," Arizona pleaded.
"Well, it's a little late for that, isn't it?" Amelia said, getting up to look through the cupboards. "I washed my sobriety down the drain before this even happened, Arizona, so don't go blaming yourself. This is allll on me. Hurricane Amelia can't keep it together even when almost everything is falling into place. Sure, I lost my brother. But, I thought I gained a family. I should have known that wouldn't last. I always just push everyone away. At least I'll always have drugs, they'll always be there for me whenever I seek them out."
"You're not going to find anything, I keep everything hidden so that the kids can't get to it," Arizona said. " And you still have a family! Everyone at the hospital, we love you and care about you."
Amelia let out a curt laugh.
"Don't do that, don't brush this off," Arizona stated, walking over to Amelia and grasping her shoulders. "We have all done some messed up stuff. But, what makes us family is that we stand by each other. We give each other tough love, but we always help each other through."
"I don't deserve that," Amelia said quietly. "You all should just let me go. Let me spin out. I'll turn up dead eventually and then none of you will ever have to deal with me again. This is...this is more trouble than I'm worth."
"If that's really what you think, then you are blind. You're a kind and brilliant person. Our lives and the world would be lesser if you weren't in it. You have your downfalls, but we all do."
Amelia's shoulder shook as she stifled a sob and her legs threatened to betray her. Arizona reached out to pull her into an embrace. But, Amelia shoved her away.
"Let me help you," Arizona said softly.
Amelia couldn't hold it in any longer, she burst into tears.
"Oh, sweetie," Arizona exhaled. "Come on."
Arizona guided Amelia back to the couch, poured a cup of coffee and handed her the mug.
"Please eat something and have some coffee," Arizona requested.
Amelia shook her head and Arizona raised an eyebrow.
"No, no. I'm not refusing. I just...I think I'm going to throw up," Amelia said, looking a bit green.
"Oh! Oh, ok," Arizona chuckled nervously. "Uhhh, bathroom? Or garbage can?"
"Can, can!" Amelia said urgently.
Arizona rushed and grabbed the trash from the kitchen, making it just in time as Amelia's stomach expelled its contents. Arizona moved to hold Amelia's hair back carefully.
"I'm sorry, I'm so gross," Amelia apologized.
"Shhh, don't worry about it! Here hold on," Arizona reassured Amelia as she went to grab a glass of water. "Here, drink this."
"Thank you," Amelia responded as she took a careful sip. "I think I need to sleep...I uh, I left around 2 AM last night and haven't stopped going since."
Arizona looked exacerbated for a moment before concern washed over her face.
"You're welcome to use the bed again...or the couch. Whatever you'd like!"
"I don't think I could make it to the bed to be honest."
"That's ok, I'll just uh go hang out in the bedroom then," Arizona said awkwardly as she started to stand.
Amelia reached out and grasped her arm.
"Please don't leave me," Amelia said almost desperately. "I don't want to be alone."
Arizona sat back down on the couch, reaching out to comfort Amelia.
"I won't, I'm right here," she said. "I won't go anywhere."
Amelia visibly relaxed, resting her head on the back of the couch with a slow exhale.
"You could lay down if you'd like," Arizona offered, grabbing a pillow and placing it on her lap.
Amelia looked surprised at this offer, but didn't protest. Instead she tentatively leaned over until her head reached the pillow. Arizona's hands moved to play with Amelia's hair. Amelia gasped slightly.
"I'm...I'm sorry," Arizona stuttered.
"No, no. Don't apologize. It's ok, it feels nice actually. It makes me feel safe," Amelia explained. "I was just surprised."
And so they stayed like that, Arizona's fingers running through Amelia's hair, sometimes shifting to rub her shoulder. It didn't take long for Amelia to fall asleep. Hours passed and Arizona just waited for Amelia to stir. She couldn't bear to wake her, even when her leg started to fall asleep. She just looked so peaceful, like all the stress she had been feeling at least temporarily had left her mind. Eventually, Amelia's eyes blinked open.
"H...how long was I out?" Amelia said, disoriented.
"A few hours," Arizona answered. "How are you feeling?"
"Ugh, my head is pounding and my mouth tastes disgusting," Amelia answered.
"There's some mouthwash in the bathroom if you'd like. Feel free to use my shower too. Then we'll get some food in you."
"Thank you, Arizona. I really...just, thank you."
Arizona smiled and said, "Don't mention it."
While Amelia was showering, Arizona whipped together a meal. This was now 2 days of Amelia hardly eating, she needed to make sure she got something in her before trying to get her to go to a meeting. The food was almost ready when Amelia emerged from the bathroom clad in only a towel.
"I don't have any extra clothes with me," Amelia stated in response to Arizona's slack jawed look.
"You can borrow some of mine!" Arizona offered, rushing into the bedroom and returning with pants and a shirt.
"Thanks," Amelia said, taking them.
Once Amelia was dressed, the pair sat down to eat.
"I'm sorry to bring this up, but I really think you should call Richard and go to a meeting," Arizona said calmly.
Amelia nodded, "I know I should. God, I'm so ashamed."
"No one is going to judge you. You've been through a lot lately. Slip ups happen," Arizona offered, seeing tears start to well up in Amelia's eyes.
"It's unacceptable. I'm a surgeon...I can't just give into my urges like that."
"You know as well as I do that that isn't how this works Amelia."
"That doesn't mean it doesn't feel that way."
Arizona grabbed her phone and held it out to Amelia.
"Call Richard please," she said, placing it in Amelia's hand.
Amelia took the phone and sighed, standing up and pacing as she dialed. The conversation was short.
"Richard, I'm sorry. I...I need to go to a meeting. Would you go with me?" Amelia said, visibly tense. "Thank you."
The call had ended and Amelia exhaled.
"He's...uhh...going to pick me up," Amelia said, handing the phone back to Arizona.
"Where will you go after the meeting is over?" Arizona asked.
"I don't know, I haven't really thought that far ahead. I can't go to Mer's still, I can't face her kids or Maggie. I'll probably just go check into a hotel or crash at the hospital."
"Why don't you come back here? I have Sophia tonight, she'd love a sleepover."
"No...no. I don't want to impose, I'll find somewhere to stay it'll be fine," Amelia protested and tried to walk away.
Arizona stopped her, grasping her shoulders and saying, "It's not imposing, I promise. Amelia, I'm worried about you. Let me be here for you."
"I'll think about it," Amelia responded quietly, taking a step back and looking embarrassed.
Richard showed up seconds later and Amelia left.