I'm sorry for not updating this sooner!! I'm in grad school and campus re-opened. So, I got really busy with work and didn't have as much time to write. I will keep updating, but it won't be super frequent unless we get another lockdown here in NY. I hope you enjoy this chapter! Let me know what you think!! Thank you all for reading.

For once, the sun was shining in Seattle. So, Amelia decided to take advantage and walk to her meeting. It would kill some time anyway, she had all day to try to occupy herself. As she walked, she reflected some on the past couple of days. On how her emotions were practically giving her whiplash. How when she was with Arizona she felt ok, almost normal, as long as she didn't think about everything that was going on. How most of the time it felt like there was this weight in her stomach, her heart was being squeezed, her lungs restricted. Like she was trapped in her own body, needing to get out. She knew she was falling apart, had fallen apart already. That the minute she was told her brother was dead, the stability and sanity she had worked so hard to attain came crashing down in one fellow swoop. She thought she was starting to get better again, she was trying. But, then there was Penny and Owen not talking to her about Riggs and feeling like Mer was there for everyone except her. Each thing threw her off just a little bit more, building up inside her. She felt like she should be better than that, that she should have been able to handle it all. After all, it wasn't really Penny's fault that Derek was dead and Owen isn't obligated to talk about anything until he's ready. Mer is loyal to a fault and she really had been there for Amelia in a lot of ways, it just felt like Amelia was always an afterthought. That didn't mean she deserved to have the crap beat out of her. And Mer had been through a lot too, suffered so much in her life. Amelia didn't know how she managed to keep it together so well. Or at least how she seemed to. She should have given her a break, not let her own issues get in the way of her job. Amelia could feel the anxiety creeping up as her thoughts started to spiral. She was no longer in control.

Her feet were moving on their own accord now, her emotions drowning her and clouding her judgement. Even as she shifted directions, she was trying to reason with herself.

Just go to the meeting and then maybe treat yourself to coffee after. Go to the park or to the water and people watch. Go to the grocery store, make a nice dinner for Arizona to thank her for being there. Hell, go to the amusement park and ride the roller coasters until you puke if you need the rush. Just...don't go score…

But, she was already on the front steps of a local dealer, already knocking on the door. A black haired woman covered in tattoos answered.

"What do you want?" the woman asked.

"I...uhhh...I'm sorry. I must have the wrong house," Amelia responded, still trying to stop herself.

"Ha, sure you do. What's your poison?" the woman said with a curt laugh.

"No...I really shouldn't, I…" Amelia started.

Before she could finish, the woman shouted back into the house, "Hey! Drew! Bring me a baggie of oxies." To Amelia she said, "Oxy is your drug of choice, isn't it?"

"How...how did you know that?" Amelia asked.

Shrugging, the girl explained, "It's just my thing. I can almost always tell what drugs people enjoy. Even if they aren't a user, I can tell what would turn them into one."

A man that Amelia presumed to be Drew appeared in the doorway. He handed a baggie to Amelia while she slipped him cash. The exchange was quick and smooth. In an instant, Amelia was standing on the porch alone, intensely aware of the pills sitting in her pocket.

Walk...move...go to a meeting…

Amelia was practically pleading with herself. She didn't want to use, but she didn't know if she could resist the craving right now if she didn't go somewhere public.

Finally, Amelia pushed herself to take a step, then another. She kept going until she reached the nearest meeting site. The meeting had already started, so everyone turned to look as she entered. She awkwardly waved and sat quietly in the back. She tried to pay attention, but her mind was racing.

I shouldn't have done that...I shouldn't have gone there...I should find someone to give these too...someone who will get rid of them, not use them...or I could just take them...one last high before getting clean...last time I tried that I ended up with a dead fiance, maybe I'd be the one to go this time...maybe that would be ok, I'm a mess and only cause people pain anyway...but Owen and Arizona and Mer and the kids...everyone has had so much loss already...I shouldn't do that to them...I need to find someone to give this too…

Her thoughts were interrupted by the leader of the meeting coming to tell her that the meeting had ended.

"Are you ok?" they asked after Amelia seemed to be startled by their approach.

"Yeah...uhhh, sorry. It's been an interesting day," Amelia answered.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" the leader offered.

Amelia considered asking him to take the pills. But, handing a former addict a baggie full of drugs didn't sound entirely fair. Instead Amelia just shook her head no, stood, and left. She thought about calling Arizona, asking her to come get her. She thought about calling Richard too. Who she really wanted to be able to talk to though was her brother. They hadn't always seen eye to eye, but he still somehow always knew what to say. She was certain that if she could just talk to him, that everything would end up alright.

As if walking through a dream, Amelia wandered through Seattle once again. Eventually, she found herself at the cemetery that Derek was buried in. She hadn't been there since the day he was lowered into the ground, she never could bring herself to visit. As she passed headstone after headstone, her chest tightened and her breath caught in her throat, reminding her of why. The sorrow mixed with everything else she had been feeling that day becoming almost unbearable. When she approached Derek's grave, she fell to her knees and sobbed, her emotions finally overtaking her.

Not knowing what else to do, Amelia began to ramble aloud, saying, "D...Derek...I feel like I'm losing my mind...I know I was always at least a little crazy. But, I had been doing better...I was doing well even...I was happy. And then you left us and Owen won't talk to me and I almost killed your wife...Well, I didn't actually almost kill her. But, it is my fault that she almost died no matter what anyone says...and now I can't shake this...this feeling...I don't even really know how to describe it. I'm scared and on edge and tense and exhausted all of the time. All I want to do is for things to be good again, to feel at peace."

Pausing to wipe the tears from her eyes Ameia said, "God, I feel so stupid…How can I be this bad at handling heavy emotions...after all this time, you'd think I would have learned. Yet here I am, talking to my dead brother with a baggie of pills in my pocket because my boyfriend won't talk to me and Merideth is being nice to Penny."

At that, Amelia laughed. The statement had been so pathetic it was comical to her. But, her amusement quickly faded as she reconsidered the situation. Choking back tears, Amelia said, "Actually, I'm sitting here talking to my dead brother because I miss him and am still upset that he's gone. I have a baggie of pills in my pocket because I'm an addict who's never been good at emotions and there have been far too many negative ones lately. Owen and Merideth were triggers, sure. But, what it really comes down to is this pit in my stomach that hasn't really gone away and the fact that no matter how long I'm clean, there will always be the pull to use."

The self honesty was remarkably freeing. Amelia felt as if a veil had been lifted for the first time that day. She could still feel the pills burning a hole in her pocket, but she was fairly certain she knew what to do. Amelia spent the rest of the day hopping from meeting to meeting, she ended up visiting almost every meeting location in the city. In each one, she sat in the back and just listened. So many of the stories resonated with her, the pain and loss and suffering. She never spoke herself, not trusting her voice or her mind. She was worried that if she began to explain her situation, she'd end up spiraling out again and she needed to keep it together until Arizona would be home. Plus, she was so emotionally exhausted that she didn't know if she could muster explaining and basically reliving everything.

Once it got close enough to the time that Arizona would likely be heading home, Amelia decided to head there herself. By now, the sun had set and the city was lit up. It felt like a totally different world than the one she had stepped out into that morning. Instead of walking the whole way back, Amelia decided to call a cab. During the ride, she shot a text to Arizona, asking what she'd like for dinner. But, hadn't heard back by the time she arrived at the woman's home. That was fine at first, until it meant that Amelia had too much time alone with her thoughts again.

She didn't want to take the drugs, that much she was decided on. But, something inside of her was yearning for them. It was like she was at war with herself, part of her trying to convince her that everything would be better the instant those pills slid down her throat and the other reminding her that she has so much to lose and that Arizona would be home soon with Sophia and they didn't need to find her like that. She was so sick of this up and down and back and forth inside her own brain, it was too much.

About an hour after Amelia had arrived, her phone vibrated, interrupting her thoughts. She unlocked it with shaking hands to see a text from Arizona that read, 'Hey, I'm so sorry for not checking in! Today has been crazy. I hope you're doing ok. I'll be home in about a half hour, anything is good for dinner. Sophia isn't picky and neither am I. Just, not sandwiches haha.'

Amelia took a deep breath trying to bring herself back to the moment. She had to order something for dinner, she didn't want to make them wait to eat. Rummaging around through a few kitchen drawers, she found a Chinese menu with certain items highlighted. She managed to call and place the order, noting that it'd be delivered within forty-five minutes. Then she waited, playing with the pills in her pocket, battling her own mind.