The moment that Professor Lupin announced that he was going to teach them how to conquer boggarts, a palatable tension arose in the classroom.
"Boggarts?! I thought they were just a myth parents told to get kids to go to bed?" Daphne mumbled. Pansy didn't say anything, instead she stiffened her jaw and glared at the pathetic, cardigan wearing Professor who stood at the front of the class. She hated him. What right did he have to go off the syllabus and teach a topic at least two years prematurely? Who the fuck did he think he was, summoning a boggart as if it was the most insignificant of creatures?
"Can anyone tell me what the true form of a boggart is?" he asked openly.
Of course, it was Granger's hand that shot up. It always made Pansy cringe at how eager she was, how blissfully unaware of peering sets of eyes that scrutinised her.
"They're shapeshifters, they take the form of what an individual fears the most" she explained. Pansy rolled her eyes.
"Very good, Miss Granger - five points to Gryffindor. Now, when you're faced with a boggart, it is essential to keep your wits about you, and in order to conquer the loathsame beast simply jab your wands and say "riddikulus""
"Riddikulus!" the class chorused.
"This class is ridiculous," Draco muttered under his breath, and somehow that stirred her from her reverie. Ignoring the clenching sensation in her chest, Pansy drew in a breath and said loudly;
"This is bullshit"
The room collapsed into a shocked silence, and Pansy smirked; all the power was in her hands in that moment. She glared openly at Lupin, annoyed to find his expression to be calm and expectant rather than angry.
"I appreciate you have your own opinions, Miss Parkinson, but I ask that you keep them to yourself while in my classroom. No one is obligated to practice with a boggart" he said diplomatically, displaying infinitely more patience than any other Professor would have afforded her.
"Well I'm not going to waste my time with something it stupid as a boggart" she seethed, and promptly turned on her heel and pushed herself through the crowd.
"Someone's scared," Seamus taunted. Pansy turned, and the sight of his insufferable mirth made fury boil in the pit of her stomach. In one swift motion, she pulled back her arm and landed a firm punch right in the center of his face, she was sure she felt the cartilage of his nose snap beneath against her coiled fist, and smiled.
The room erupted into chaos then; people shoved to help Seamus up and Lupin's now angered voice could be heard shouting over the crowd. Except Pansy didn't care, she strode out the room with her head held high, and kept walking until she descended the stairs into the Slytherin Common room.
Eventually she found herself in the girl's lavatory, staring at her own reflection in the mirror as she so often did. This time, however, instead of being enticed by her own physical beauty; it made waves of nausea travel through her, and she ended up gripping the sides of the sink until her knuckles turned white.
She regarded herself for a moment; critiqued her sharpening cheekbones and naturally pouting lips, but as she stared into her own dark, accusing eyes, she almost flinched away from it.
"Coward" her reflection rasped.
It was only minutes later when she felt her knees slam against the marble floor and hot splashes of blood gush from her hand that she realised what she had done. The sharp pain of a hundred shards of glass digging into her skin was oddly therapeutic; it demanded every ounce of her attention and silence the torrent of endless thoughts that surged through her mind in torturous circles.
She missed the remainder of lessons that day, as well as lunch and dinner: the thought of eating made her want to vomit. In fact, the thought of doing anything other than lay with her face pressed into her pillow with the duvet shielding her body from the world, was utterly undesirable. She couldn't bring herself to care about the consequences that were waiting for her, or to care about anything at all for that matter.
At one point, she must have fallen asleep, because she awoke to find Daphne gently shaking her shoulder.
"Snape wants to see you," she said hurriedly, sounding worried, "are you alright?"
"Yeah" Pansy answered instantly, her voice thick with sleep, "what time is it?"
"Nearly nine"
"Fuck"
For Snape to summon any of them at such a late hour was never a good sign as it meant that whichever punishment he wished to inflict was not a part of Hogwarts's more orthodox methods. Of course, many Slytherin parents - Pansy's included - entrusted Snape to orchestrate whatever punishment he saw fit, and would align with traditional pureblood teachings.
"Just blame it on Lupin, he hates that man more than anyone" Daphne advised urgently, as Pansy swung her legs out of bed. She was cautious to keep her bloodied hand furrowed in the pocket of her robe, and slid her feet into her slippers.
"Face it Daph, I'm fucked. I probably won't be able to sit down for a week" she said darkly. "Don't wait up"
"Alright, good luck"
With that, Pansy fled the dormitory and marched through the common room, ignoring the burning stares that greeted her. By Hogwarts standards, word of what had happened in her lesson would have circulated three times at least, with a hundred various rumours to accompany it.
"Pansy, wait!" Draco called after her, just as she stepped over into the long corridor that led to Snape's private office.
"Not now, Draco," she said dismissively, quickening her strides.
"What was earlier about?" he asked anyway, and Pansy spun to face him.
"Can you not take a hint? I told you to fuck off" she spat venemously, satisfied when Draco stopped following her. What she hated beyond anything was when people pretended to care, when really they were just nosey bastards who wanted something to gossip about.
It was only when she arrived at Snape's door that she felt her bravado crumble ever so slightly; as though her bravery was being extracted from her piece by piece. She forced herself to look apologetic - her Head of House was the only Professor she had a modicum of respect for, and the only man she could ever bring herself to apologise to.
"Don't dawdle, Miss Parkinson, I don't have all night," came Snape's voice from the other side of the stone wall. She stiffened, and pushed the door open.
She'd only been in Snape's office twice before in her three years at Hogwarts. Although rumours had circulated of it being a sadistic torture chamber with the heads of disobedient first years displayed on the mantel piece, the reality was far more boring. It consisted of a black varnished desk and two accompanying chairs, behind which was a window that exposed the murky water from the lake, a fireplace that cackled with luminescent green flames, and a black leather sofa and stool. There were endless rows of bottles, all of which contained a different coloured liquid; some fizzed and steamed angrily.
Nonetheless, it was impossible to focus on such details when Snape's intimidating form leaned against his desk with his arms folded across his broad chest.
"Sit" he said dryly, as though talking to a dog. Pansy knew better than to disobey, and forced her stiff limbs into movement. From this angle, Snape looked down at her with an unreadable expression; his large nose seeming almost intrusive in his otherwise unassuming features. "Eat" he added after an eternity, and summoned a simple dish of salmon and vegetable rice.
"I'm not hungry," Pansy defended, still slightly disorientated from her slumber.
"I don't recall giving you permission to speak, Miss Parkinson. Nor are you in any position to refuse me" he said darkly, his low baritone voice humming through the heavy air.
Pansy swallowed her frustration and began to eat, slowly at first, but the moment the food reached her tongue her hunger demanded to make itself known. Naturally it had crossed her mind that this would be a punishment of sort - that the rice was laced with an ingredient that would make her hair fall out, or something equally horrific, but somehow knowing that she had no choice other than to carry out the task given to her removed the worry from her mind.
Snape moved so that sat on the opposite side of the desk, and reclined slightly in his seat with his hands clasped.
"I heard you put on quite the performance in Professor Lupin's lesson today" he stated after a few minutes.
Pansy's face became a mask of indifference, as she fought to chew the salmon - which had started to taste like cardboard.
"You're incredibly lucky Lupin is too soft to push for your expulsion, and wants to sweep the incident under the carpet as it may. However, I can't allow my students to make such public spectacles of themselves"
"It won't happen again, Professor" Pansy said sincerely, pushing her almost empty bowl of food to the side.
Snape raised an eyebrow cynically, "Won't it? Tell me, Miss Parkinson, what do you intend to do differently tomorrow, since Professor Lupin has arranged for you to face your boggart"
Pansy's stomach dropped.
"I - he said, he said we didn't have to face the boggart if we don't want to," she defended, sounding like a petulant child. She forced herself to straighten up and meet her Professor's eyes with her usual effortless confidence.
"I'm aware of what he promised you. I, however, will not allow you to go the rest of your days unprepared and unequipped to battle your fears"
He paused for a moment, and appeared to be breathing in her terror - as discreet as it was - as though it was a life force.
"Of course, I already have a boggart waiting for you if you choose to confront it in the here and now" he offered cunningly.
Pansy closed her eyes. Of all the scenarios she had prepared for, this hadn't been one of them, and she felt wholly unprepared.
"I really don't want to do this, Professor"
The words left her mouth of their own volition, and her eyes flew open in spite herself. She expected Snape to sneer, or call her pathetic. Instead, the Potions Master's gaze was thoughtful.
"I know," he said simply, "which is all the more reason to do it"
For some reason, simply acknowledging her reluctance removed a fraction of the unease that was toiling about in her stomach. She nodded, accepting the inevitability of her fate, and forced herself to follow her Professor as he rose from the desk and approached a bolted cupboard in the far corner of the room.
Pansy parted her feet on the ground and drew out her wand.
"With your dominant hand, Miss Parkinson. You know that"
Pansy's blood went cold, and she knew instantly that her reaction had given her away when Snape's steady eyes pierced through her.
"Is there an issue?" he asked firmly.
"Just a cramp, Professor, I'd prefer to practice with my left" forcing her voice to sound "matter-of-fact".
Snape regarded her for a moment, and she refused to shrink beneath his scrutinising glare.
"I would have thought you'd be able to lie better than that. Show me your hand, Miss Parkinson" he instructed.
She didn't realise that she had stepped backwards until she felt the desk dig into the back of her thigh. Her heart had begun to race furiously in her chest, and her breathing became uneven; there was no way out of this one - both the boggart and showing Snape the harm she had accidentally inflicted on herself.
For the second time that night, Snape surprised her; instead of cornering her against the desk and wrenching her arm away as she had expected, the man crossed the room and sat on the stool opposite the sofa.
"I won't ask you again. Pansy, come here," he said, and there was an undeniable softness in his tone that she had never heard before.
Though her legs had begun to tremble, she forced herself to walk until she stood just within arm's reach of Snape. She glanced fleetingly at the door and of course, he noticed.
"You can't run from your fears forever," he said wisely, "and doing so will only make it worse".
Breathing in deeply, Pansy withdrew her hand before she could change her mind. When she caught sight of it for the first time since that morning, she almost gagged; it was bruised and swollen and bloody in the most ghastly of ways; with dried blood crusting over the untouched shards of glass that remained firmly lodged in her flesh.
"Foolish girl" Snape condemned, and took her small hand in his large one before extracting his wand. She clenched her teeth as the glass shot out of her skin, and doing so made a number of new cuts.
Snape summoned one of the bottles from the shelves as well as a cotton pad, and looked up to face her.
"You should have gone to Madame Promphrey immediately and saved yourself this part. Sit down, this is going to hurt" he informed her.
Pansy did as she was told, and focused on the purple liquid that bled onto the snow white colour of the cotton. Still, she couldn't help the slight whimper of pain as a searing burning sensation tore through her sensations. Snape tightened his grip on her wrist as she had instinctively pulled away. Instead, she dug her nails as deep as she could into the arm of the sofa, and clenched her eyes shut.
"Good girl, it's done," Snape praised after a long five minutes in which her flesh had been forced to heal itself prematurely and all possible infection was blasted into non-existence.
Soon enough, the pair stood once more in front of the cupboard, which was rattling loudly with impatience.
Frankly, Pansy was buzzing with frayed nerves and exhaustion; the god-awful experience would be over soon, and hopefully she would be able to wipe it from her mind completely.
"Remember" Snape began, "the form that the boggart takes is completely fictitious; it can only harm you if you allow it.
Pansy nodded tensely, and straightened her shoulders. It's not real, it's not real, it's not real, she repeated like a prayer in her mind. With a final look, Snape swung open the door of the cupboard, and the boggart stumbled out of it.
Pansy's father was a tall, broad man with pale waxy skin and a wide grin that never met his eyes. As a child, Pansy often compared him to a tree; rooted firmly to the ground and bark-like wrinkles drawn onto his face, with endless branches sprawling in every direction, always reaching out for her.
The very sight of him made her mouth go dry and her body go numb. Just as her father's steady footsteps made their way towards her and echoed throughout the small room until she heard the sound vibrate in her mind.
"Pansy darling," he crooned, giving his award winning smile he always wore to prestigious events, "you won't tell anyone, will you? I mean you would break your mother's heart - you can't expect her to understand what we have. What would your friend have to say about us?"
She held her wand in a death-grip and slowly raised her arm to point it at her father's face, who instantly looked so upset that it tore at her heart. Blood gushed through her ears.
"What are you doing, angel? To your own father? But you're my special little - "
"RIDDIKULUS!" a voice shouted, and Snape had pushed himself so that he stood in between her and the boggart-father.
Dizziness overcame Pansy in sickening waves, and before she could think she found herself doubled over and vomiting the contents of her stomach onto the office floor. Humiliation burned through her very core, when she felt a hand on her shoulder she flinched violently.
"Don't touch me" she hissed instinctively, in a way that she would never have dared to speak Snape.
"Alright, I won't. Can you stand?"
His voice sounded muffled, as though it was coming from a million miles away, but somehow she found herself nodding, and stumbled to her feet, using the desk for support. At a respectable distance, Snape guided to the sofa, where she promptly collapsed into its awaiting embrace. She wished, more than anything, that it would swallow her whole.
She must have lost consciousness for a few moments, because when her awareness returned to her she found Snape sitting on a stool positioned near her head, holding a glass of water. Her hands trembled so severely that it was his own steady hand that brought the glass to her lips and allowed her to drink.
"I won't ask you to do that again," Snape told her, and she closed her eyes against the tears that threatened to fall.
"I'm a coward," she whispered, her voice breaking.
"You're not a coward, Pansy: you are a child" he said firmly, and it felt as though a knife was being plunged into her chest and twisted.
"I could have - "
"Look at me" Snape demanded in an authoritative tone, and she did; his dark eyes lay upon her unflinchingly. "What happened in this room will never leave it; I will never tell a breathing soul about this, only if you promise to try to understand that it wasn't your fault"
Traitorous tears spilled from her eyes and cascaded down her cheeks. She couldn't remember the last time she had cried in front of someone.
"I promise," she answered, her voice hoarse.
"Good. When you feel ready, I will escort you to your dorm where I expect you to go straight to bed. In the morning, you are to attend your lessons as usual and do your best to put this out of your mind, do I make myself clear?"
"Yes sir," Pansy replied. Oddly, she was beginning to find him strangely comforting; he had been entirely undeterred by the morbid form of her boggart, he hadn't been disgusted nor had he pitied her - which she had dreaded more than anything. If anything, she thought it was a shame that she would never be able to tell anyone about how she had come to realise that Snape wasn't such a heartless bastard at all.
Exactly three days after this incident, Pansy received a concerned letter from her mother - who rarely spoke to her during term time. The letter expressed that her father had been missing for two nights now, with no sign of returning home.
Pansy had reread the letter four times in equal enthusiasm - it simply couldn't be, the universe didn't just work like that. Despite herself, she craned her neck and caught sight of Severus Snape sitting at his usual spot on the teacher's table, and she could have sworn he looked smug.
A/N Hi! very heavy topic, but it had been on my mind for a while now. I've always pictured Pansy as a very troubled character as well as Snape secretly having a soft side, even it 's difficult to decipher.
Let me know what you think as well as any requests for future oneshots or ficlets!
keep safe x