Of Earth & Stars
CONTENT WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT
Chapter 20: That Which Shatters Us
***NOTE: This story has been changed from "T" to "M" for future content. THIS CHAPTER contains a strong theme of sexual assault, reader discretion is advised. On-going, this story will elude to this assault.
October 1991
Hastily, Suri pulled back her ink-black locks into a high ponytail, watching her reflection in her vanity. She had fifteen minutes to make it to the quidditch pitch for the first practice of the season. Glancing back in the reflection, she frowned seeing the only other girl in the dormitory sitting on her bed with a book. Mara Selwyn, her friend since their shared common dislike for Ravenclaw, for no other reason than having a horrible quidditch team, had been weirdly moody all week.
"Mara." Stealing another glance at the clock on the wall, Suri decided she had time now to get her friend to talk to her. She was used to Mara's moods, and she was even used to Mara being mad at her, but Suri usually knew what made Mara upset.
The blonde girl continued to ignore Suri and read as though she was reading the most fascinating book in the world. Undaunted, Suri sat on the edge of Mara's bed.
"I would thank you if you didn't sit on my duvet in your training robes."
"Don't worry, my robes are still clean." Smiling, Suri sprawled on Mara's bed.
"Oh good," Mara's voice dripped with sarcasm as she stretched out a long leg, poking Suri's shoulder with her toe.
"Okay," Suri sat up, a frown on her lips. "Mara, look at me. You've been in a fowl mood for a while now, and I'm starting to think it has nothing to do with Nate spending all his time flirting with Gemma. I've racked my brain, but I can't even begin to guess what's wrong and that makes it hard to help you."
"I don't need help," Mara slammed her book shut and tossing it beside her. Without looking at Suri, she folded her arms across her chest.
"Okay, you don't need help," Suri refrained from rolling her eyes. "But this makes it rather difficult trying to find who to hex if you don't tell me what's going on."
"Hex yourself, okay?" Mara snapped, "And maybe while you're at it, Marcus Flint!" Mara jumped up from bed, hands on her hips. Suri stood up too, her eyebrows creased in confusion.
"The only time Marcus Flint and I should ever be in the same sentence is when someone is talking about quidditch. But since you don't really like talking about quidditch very much—"
"See!? You have that in common with him!" Mara sat down again, covering her face in her hands. She groaned angrily. "He'll never notice me."
"You're upset because that...trollhasn't noticed you yet?" Suri's eyes were wide with shock. Once the thought settled in, she giggled quietly, earning a glare from Mara. "I'm sorry Mara, I'm not laughing at you, I swear. It's just...you know you can do so much better than him, don't you?"
"Suri, you just don't get it!" Mara ceased her pacing a sat heavily next to Suri with her head in her hands.
"Then help me understand, Mara." Suri was going to be late for practice now. But it was only a small price to pay when friends came first. As disagreeable and conflictual as their relationship could be, Mara was still her friend.
Mara looked up at Suri around a waterfall of pale blonde hair. Taking a deep, shuddering breath, she said, "compared to you, who will ever notice me? Look at you, Suri! Everyone looks at you because you're so perfect. You get great marks, you're a great quidditch player, everyoneloves you, and just…" Mara's eyes quickly glanced down at Suri's ample chest and curvy hips in a non-threatening way. "I'll never look like you. Even Marcus notices you, and you don't even care. I've spent the better half of two years to get him to look at me! And it's just hard watching Nate go after Gemma all of a sudden because I see that's never going to happen to me."
Mara's bright blue eyes shone with unshed tears. Gently, Suri put a hand on her friend's shoulder.
"Sure, I have good marks, so do you! You're wicked brilliant at potions and astronomy. And I know we fight a lot, but you were there last year when I was this little meatball of a person before my body even figured out what it wanted to look like. And, to be honest, most days I hatethe way I look. I'm not tall like you are, and I would trade any curves I have for a smaller robe size in a heartbeat. Not to mention I come from a controversial family and people seem to like to talk about me more often than they care to really know me. Mara, we all have things we don't like about ourselves. I'm just trying to make do with what I have and hopefully I'll be able to like myself as much as I pretend to. Or at least I hope I can like myself half as much as other people seemto like me. Mara Selwyn, you've got beautiful blonde hair, you're clever, and you're loyal—you're good just as you are."
Mara searched Suri's eyes, as if looking for any indication of a lie. Finally nodding, she sniffled. "Maybe."
"Now, about Marcus. You know I absolutely hate everything about him, but if it means that much to you, I'll say something. I'll say that you're a great catch and he should take you out. Of course I'll say it more elegantly than that, but not too elegant that it goes over his head."
"Really Suri, you will?" Mara's watery eyes looked hopeful.
"If it would make you happy, I'll do it." Suri was caught off guard when Mara flung her arms around her. She couldn't remember the last time Mara had hugged her.
"Thank you Suri! I owe you one!"
"Make that two."
"Huh?"
"Remember during our first year when I got detention because of you? Because I took all of the blame I told you that you owed me a favor. I haven't cashed in on it yet. And this favor makes it two."
"I can't believe you remember that," Mara frowned.
"I never forget," answered Suri, stealing a glance at the large clock on the wall. Cringing, she realized she was horribly late. Marcus, the team's captain, was going to be so mad. Jumping up from beside Mara, she hurried for the stairs, calling over her shoulder, "Don't worry! The favors I ask for are never more than you can offer!"
X
"I'm really sorry about being late, Flint. I swear it won't happen again." Suri apologized as she helped Marcus return the quidditch equipment to the storage closet after practice. When she arrived, Marcus appeared as stony and irritable as ever. Immediately, he had said they needed to talk, and all practice Suri assumed he was going to lecture her about being there for the team.
"I'll even be early to every practice after this!"
"Being on time would be nice, but this conversation isn't about that." Marcus, glanced back over his wide shoulders as they set down the trunk storing the quidditch balls.
"Oh. Then what do you need to talk about?" Suri regarded Marcus carefully.
Like almost everyone else, he had grown taller over the summer, and he was already above average height to begin with. Though ever since someone compared Marcus to a mountain troll, Suri just couldn't unseethis comparison. It was all speculated whether or not he actually had troll blood in him. Beyond that, Marcus Flint and Suri Rosier-Black were not friends. She hardly talked to him beyond anything quidditch related and after she introduced Draco Malfoy to him.
The hairs on the back of Suri's neck prickled. Something felt off about tonight. She felt skittish being alone with Marcus Flint in the storage room, far away from the locker rooms and removed from the rest of the castle.
"I wanted to talk to you specifically about this season. This is your third year playing, and you've really come a long way as a chaser, especially after our victory last year." The way Marcus said "our victory" made her cringe. Instinctively, Suri took a step back, out of the storage room where she had more space in the open corridor.
"Thank you. Is that all you wanted to say?" Suri hoped she didn't sound as nervous as she felt. She wished someone else had stayed behind with them. She wished Nate was here or any one of her teammates. But Marcus had sent them away. Sheneeded to get away. She ran with the first excuse she could think of.
"If that's it, then I really need to go. You know how McGonagall is. She's already assigned a ton of homework in Transfiguration."
"No," Marcus smirked, although his tone was impatient. "I want you to consider being co-captain to this team."
"C-co-captain?" Suri's storm-colored eyes flickered with surprised. "Slytherin doesn't usually have co-captains, do we?"
"Technically no, but this would be an unofficial position. It would be a role between you and me. The way I see it, I'll be graduating in two years and someone will need to be captain after me, and you're the best possible choice out of the rest of those idiots. So, what do you say, Suri?"
"Co-captain…" This was not what she expected at all. The competitive part of her was flattered that she could be team captain in two years, but the more pressing side of her, the one that warned her to keep away from Marcus, was still wary. The wariness only increased when Marcus took a couple steps closer, invading her personal space. Suri took a half-step back and felt her back touch the cold cement of one of the large pillars that lined the edge of the field.
"If being co-captains with you is an unofficial title, what's in it for me? Will the team even know I'm leading?"
"If that matters to you, I'll let the team know. Your job will be to help plan plays and strategies and what not. But everyone, including you, still answers to me."
"There's nothing really cooperativeabout this," Suri frowned. "You're basically saying that at the end of the day you still make the final decision. I don't know, Flint. I might pass."
"But the title gets you special privileges like skipping classes…using the Prefects' lounge and bathroom…" Marcus trailed off, his dark eyes roaming Suri's body in a way that made her skin crawl. His look went way beyond assessing her frame and stature as Oliver had done when she said she wanted to be chaser. It was even more than the lingering looks she caught some boys in the hall giving her this year. This look was wrong. It was like he was peeling back the layers of her robes, jersey and gear painstakingly slow.
And it froze her. Her mind screamed to run, but her body couldn't cooperate. She felt frozen in time like a mouse unable to outrun a hawk. Like...Suri blinked rapidly, feeling the rise and fall of her chest quicken and constrict uncomfortably. Breathe, her brain screamed. Breathe and run!
"I told you to lose weight over the summer, but I never imagined you would end up looking like this." Marcus's arm went around her waist and he pressed his body against hers, trapping her against the cement pillar.
"Flint!" Suri gasped and pushed against him with both arms, but his height and weight pinned her in place. She paled upon feeling his hands skim down her waist, over her hips and behind her, cupping her. She wanted to cry when his lips pressed near her ear.
"What do you say, Suri," Marcus murmured, his breath hot and gross. "Can't you imagine the two of us here after practice, just you and me? It could be so much fun…"
Suri pushed at Marcus again and he responded, pinning her arms behind her so hard, she knew she'd bruise. She wanted to scream but her voice died when she felt him falter with the laces of her trousers and pressed a clammy hand against the bare skin of her stomach. His fingers dug bruises into her flesh as they forced their way down beneath her trousers and forcing her underwear down, too. At his touch, Suri's mind fled and she was now a bystander floating above everything that was happening. She was watching herself shake with fear under Marcus Flint's hands instead of feeling it. She watched herself grimace with pain when Marcus inserted his fingers into her body, scratching against her inner walls. Where she floated, Suri barely felt the pain as Marcus raped her with his hand, but her grimacing expression she saw told her everything. She was watching herself cry when Marcus continued to be relentless, going so far as sucking on her neck and leaving angry, red welts made shiny with his spit. She must have made a sound, a shuddering cry, because Marcus pulled away, chuckling.
"Do you like when I touch you like this? Should I let you touch me?"
The arm that pinned Suri in place released her so he could undo the laces of his own trousers. The change of pressure on her body snapped her back into herself and flooded her with adrenaline. Her heart pounded with one command. Run. Run. RUN!
"Get the fuck off!" Suri brought her knee up and kicked Marcus hard in the groin and away from her. Immediately, Marcus Flint grunted in pain.
She fumbled with her underwear and trousers, quickly tightening the front-closing laces and jerked her robes around until she found her wand. Immediately, with every hateful thought she could muster, she hexed him five times with a stinging hex until she knew every part of his body was alive with open sores, boils, and pain.
"You bitch!" Marcus screamed in agony as he curled onto the floor and Suri backed away from him.
"The next time you come near me, I swear on all the magic in this world I will kill you. You can keep your co-captain offer. I quit the whole fucking team!"
Suri sprinted away blindly, not caring whether or not Marcus would get up. She ran and took a sharp turn around the corner leading away from the quidditch field, humiliation burning her cheeks. Her shame grew stronger, if that was even possible, when she ran smack into someone's solid body.
"Woah there! Oh, it's you, Suri, we really need to stop meeting like this. Hey! Hey, calm down! Are you okay?"
The arms that steadied her felt too much like arms pinning her into place. Jerking out of their hold, her tear-filled eyes focused enough to see it was Oliver Wood, dressed in training gear, and he wasn't alone. Standing beside her was a skinny boy in over-sized training gear. Harry.
Both Harry and Oliver carried brooms and looked as though they were about to do some private quidditch training. Oliver's brown eyes were hard with concern, even Harry looked kind of frightened. She could only imagine what she looked like-she didn't wantto.
"Suri, you're shaking. What happened?" Oliver touched her shoulder. When he did so, she flinched like no other and immediately pushed past him and Harry. Of course, now that Suri had the opportunity to talk to Harry, she could barely find her voice.
"Leave me alone," she mumbled, sprinting away. She couldn't even keep it together to make a good impression for Harry.
X
Back in the common room, the few people studying hardly paid attention to her as she hurried to her dormitory—it was common for the quidditch players look disheveled after practice. Once in the dorms, she threw open her wardrobe and reached for a towel and a set of pajamas and headed for the bathrooms.
Luckily, most of the students were at dinner or studying selsewhere, so she had the entire bathroom to herself. The Slytherin girls' bathroom was spacious. On the wall lined with multiple showers, was a large cabinet with storage units for the girls to leave their shower and bathroom essentials. Suri grabbed her things and chose the shower stall furthest away from the bathroom entrance. Hot water, as hot as it could be, sprouted from a brass colored showerhead.
Stripping from her clothes, Suri stepped into the shower and gasped painfully when the scalding water touched her body. Even as the water turned her skin bright red, Suri refused to make it colder. Suri hardly felt the pain of the hot water, even when she harshly scrubbed her body with lavender soap. She winced when she washed her lower abdomen and the apex between her thighs. She was hardly surprised when blood trickled out of her.
Pathetic, she thought of herself. She'd been hurt worse playing quidditch. Her thumbs had been jammed from catching the quaffle wrong, she'd been bruised all over after particularly vicious games with Gryffindor. What Marcus Flint did to her was nothing compared to what was common for her. She hated herself all the more and scrubbed her body harder until her skin was raw.
Suri felt as though she would never be clean again. She continued to stand under the hot water as scenes from the night played over and over in her head. The way Marcus looked at her all through practice. The way he looked at her just before he...Suri pressed a hand against her mouth, muffling a sob. This was all her fault, there was no doubt about it. If she hadn't been so careless, she wouldn't have been late to practice, then Marcus Flint wouldn't have needed to talk to her. If she hadn't been so stupid, she would have begged for Nate to stay instead of telling him she'd catch up with him at dinner.
If only I was strong enough I could have stopped it. If only...
Suri's stomach churned and a sour taste filled her doubled over and puked into the shower drain. Once her vomit washed away, Suri slid down against the marbled shower wall and brought her knees to her chest and cried. It had been a long time since she'd felt so frozen, so helpless. The last time she was this helpless she was a bystander being pulled from the arms of her uncle Moons.
Suri hoped she would never have to live a life when she had to feel as helpless as she did when she was a little girl. But here she was, she thought bitterly, hating herself with an intensity she thought she'd saved only for her father. She was older, but she was still just as helpless. She hadn't lost anyone, but she'd lost any sense of respect she'd cultivated for herself.
For the first time in a long time, Suri Rosier-Black longed for death.
Author's Note:
This is a turning point. Thank you for sticking with Suri.
In the meantime, I'm so glad you're here.
Reviews are love.
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