AN1 - This one is going to seem odd, but I wanted some Crenny.
Then it got away from me, took a sharp left at Albuquerque, ended up being Creek after all and suddenly there was headcanon all_over_the_damned_place. Where is my beta when I need them to keep me disciplined and on track? Oh yeah, I still don't have one. Doh!
Also, what is the American equivalent of a Britpicker? I've never seen a term. Yankpicker? Whatever, I don't have one of them either, so all errors are mine.
There was steam, or possibly smoke coming from the engine and, although cars were not his area of expertise, Craig was well aware that that was not a desirable state of affairs. He pulled over and got out in a rush. He hauled his luggage, and, more importantly, his documents and laptop from the trunk, kicked the back wheel viciously and hurriedly withdrew to something that may be a safe distance if the whole thing decided to blow. Not that he could tell without investigating, and he was not stupid enough to do that. Being a science graduate had taught him to treat anything with unexplained smoke coming from it like an unexploded firework; never go back to check why it has not exploded (yet).
Craig pulled out his phone and got on to the rental helpline. He had just wanted a nice, simple, stress-free trip to the airport. That was why he had rented a car rather than rely on anyone else to get him there on time. Well, the joke was obviously on him because here he was, standing at the edge of the highway and in serious danger of missing his flight.
The helpline had clearly been designed by some particularly keen hellspawn. He was in some kind of eternal holding loop, which had the option for him to choose from a menu of various methods of torture, none of which bore any resemblance to his current problematic situation.
It was also nutsack freezing cold outside.
Desperate times called for desperate measures... Craig stuck out his thumb.
Kenny left South Park slightly later than he had intended, but still in good time. He had everything he could imagine needing thrown into his mom's old army surplus dufflebag and was feeling excited to be off on his new adventure.
He was cruising along the highway at a pace that would not draw the attention of any local law enforcement in the area and humming along with the radio. Although he was a bit sad to be leaving his family for such a long stretch of time, his mood was pretty good.
Usually, even being in a good mood, he would have thought more than twice about picking up a hitch-hiker. Kenny had had some unfortunate experiences with random encounters as a child and they had left their marks.
However, it was nutsack freezing cold outside and the guy had a heap of luggage that suggested they may well be going to the same place. He was also wearing a very familiar hat...
Kenny hit the indicator and pulled in behind the gently steaming source of the guy's obvious transportation issue.
Xxxx
Craig was torn. On the one hand, thank God someone had stopped, on the other hand, it was a redneck. The truck itself and the driver's cap said all that needed to be said.
He approached the driver's window, trying to act local although it had been eight years since he had actually lived in the area.
"Hey." He said. "Thanks for stopping. I seem to have engine trouble."
"It is you!" The driver said and Craig found himself looking up into blue eyes crinkled by a familiar gap-toothed smile. "I can't believe you still have that hat!"
"Kenny McCormick." Craig stated, shocked back into his usual monotone.
"Craig Tucker." Kenny agreed. "You do indeed seem to have engine trouble. Lets get your stuff loaded up. I've got places to be and I guess you do too."
"The airport." Craig said, stepping back from the door so Kenny could get out.
"Thought so. Me too actually." He effortlessly hoisted Craig's suitcase up onto the backseat of the truck, pushing his duffle along the bank as he did. "You got everything you need?" He asked, gesturing at the laptop bag Craig was holding.
"There's nothing else. It's a rental." Craig replied.
"Hop in then." Kenny offered. "Warm up."
Kenny left the radio on as a low background murmur and let Craig settle into the passenger seat. He had his phone in his hand, but it didn't seem to be getting him anywhere. Kenny got back on the road and continued his laid back drive as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. At least on the outside. Inside he was full of questions he wanted to throw one after another at his former schoolmate.
Craig sighed.
"Kenny, you still vibrate when you are excited."
"Very few people actually complain about that." Kenny quipped before he could stop himself. Not that he necessarily would have anyway. Craig Tucker was still hot and Kenny was still a flirt.
"I am pleased to see you too." Craig said, surprised to find it was true. "And since I am grateful you stopped, you can ask five questions, but only five, so choose carefully."
"What have you been doing the last eight years?! You dropped right off the radar." Kenny said, pleased to have permission to satisfy his curiosity before he exploded.
"That was the plan. Leave all the stupid shit this town seems to attract behind and lead a nice, normal, boring life. I just got my Physics PhD from Texas and, for the most part, the last eight years have been exactly what I hoped for. Nice, normal and boring."
"How's Tweek doing?"
Craig had been expecting that to be one of the questions, but it still felt like a kick every time someone asked it.
"Well. As far as I know." He replied levelly. "He's been living in Bali, teaching yoga to people with rich people problems, for about two years now."
"Oh dude, I'm sorry." Kenny said, with much too much understanding. "Why'd he take off?"
"Looking for enlightenment not to be found in Texas was the official reason given." Craig said. "He didn't start off in Bali, he just seems to have gotten stuck there after he didn't find whatever answers he was looking for in India or Tibet or wherever else he passed through. He occasionally sends me pictures of sunsets and beaches." And yoga poses, but Craig was not going to tell Kenny how seeing Tweek, sun-kissed in a shoulder stand split wearing nothing but swimming shorts and looking like he was waiting to be pile-driven, still made him feel.
"So is that where you are heading now you're done collecting letters after your name?" Kenny asked, apparently not needing the extra information.
Craig had considered it. More than once. But he wasn't going to admit that.
"Fuck no! He left and he's known where I've been the whole time if he wanted to come back. I've got a job in a science station in Alaska, I'm heading out there to do some real world research."
"Me too!" Kenny said. "Well, not the Science! bit. Alaska. Ice pilot."
"Ice pilot? You're a pilot?"
"Yeah." Kenny nodded enthusiastically. "You remember I used to work at City Wok? Lu Kim also ran City Airways. I got my license after school, just small planes and choppers though. Haulage, crop dusting, tourism that kind of thing."
"And that's what you've been doing for the last eight years?" Craig asked.
"Well, I started off trucking before I had the pilot's license, but when Tammy and I split and she got the kids, I had to be around more reliably. Of course if I'd been around more to begin with, maybe we wouldn't have split, but I didn't see too many options at the time. It wasn't like I didn't know she was a raging whore from the start though, she hasn't changed much since elementary."
Craig didn't know what to say to that having no recollection of anyone called Tammy, or Kenny being involved with them despite them apparently having a reputation as bad as his own. So he went with the seemingly easy angle.
"You have kids?"
"Yeah." Kenny smiled and flipped down the passenger visor to proudly display a photo of two smiling blond children who definitely had McCormick genes. "Kiley is eight and Kamie is six."
"You had kids right out of school?" Craig was dumbfounded by the idea.
"Well, Tammy had been out for a year already. But pretty much."
"That must have been hard." Craig said. At the grand old age of 27 Craig still could not see himself being responsible for anything more demanding than a guinea pig, and certainly nothing as labor intensive as a child, let alone two.
"It definitely wasn't ideal." Kenny nodded. "She had the kids and the trailer and I was on the road earning the money. The money wasn't bad, but I was never there and she got lonely and bored and..." He shrugged but didn't seem bitter. "Well, I am not the only person in South Park with a dick, so she tried quite a few others out while I was away. We split up when I got back earlier than expected and saw more than I wanted. She's a great mom though, and I wouldn't give up the rugrats for anything. Now they are a bit older, I can be away longer. So I'm off to Alaska to make some good money so I'm not jobbing about as much when they are off school in the Summer and I have some time to do dad things with them."
"I have so much debt from grad school I don't know if I will ever pay it all off." Craig said. "But isolated research stations in frozen bum fuck Alaska pay pretty well too. And it's free room and board."
"Good arguments." Kenny nodded. "And then there is all that Science! as well."
"Mmm." Craig agreed. "You still have one more question."
"I'm saving it." Kenny grinned and made idle chitchat about their sisters, former schoolmates and other South Park residents until they arrived at a fairly disreputable looking long-term parking lot. They were then ferried to the terminal with their luggage.
"My bag is outsized." Kenny said. "Yours probably is too, and it weighs about two cows."
"As a scientist, I can assure you that a cow is not a unit of measurement." Craig said and followed Kenny.
"A cow weighs about a ton, therefore two cows weigh about two tons. Being two boys from cow country I assumed we both know that but maybe you forgot while you were off getting educated. So, Mr Scientist, I am telling you that your suitcase is fucking heavy."
"It is." Craig agreed. "Do you know where you are going?
It became obvious that Kenny had no idea where he was going, then they followed the signs instead.
"So, fifth question." Kenny announced once their bags had been checked in. "Do you want to join me in the men's room for a quick fuck before the flight? Definitely more spacious, and probably cleaner, than the restrooms on the plane."
Craig stared at him.
"Last known willing partner between here and getting back from frozen bum fuck Alaska in Spring." He added, pointing at himself and smiling.
Craig had not had sex in six months, and that had been a hook-up in a bar that had ended up... In the men's room and less than satisfactorily. He considered the question. Kenny had always been handsome and if it hadn't been for his relationship with Tweek, Craig might have risked the dodgy reputation to find out what all the fuss was about when they were at school. Now he was being offered the chance. Kenny was also right. Who knew if any of his colleagues in the station would be amenable to (casual) (gay) sex (with him). It was a small the station, statistically speaking the chances were not good.
"Are we compatible?" Craig asked.
"I am a very flexible partner Craig, but if you are asking specifically if I take it up the ass, then the answer is yes, I do and I would be happy to do so for you. I always thought you were hot."
Craig felt his body react positively to Kenny's reply. His mouth began to water and his blood started heading downwards. He nodded and they followed the signs for the nearest men's room.
Kenny was obviously a master at sex in confined spaces. He sauntered into a stall, beckoned with a hand and waited for Craig to follow him somewhat more discreetly. He had the door closed and locked with Craig pressed up against it before Craig could do anything but register the feeling of soft lips on his. Kenny was only a couple of inches shorter than Craig. It was a pleasant change not to have to fold himself over to kiss a partner and kissing Kenny, or rather being kissed by Kenny, was a stream of powerful sensations that left him glad of the door behind him holding him up. Kenny laced the fingers of one of his hands together with Craig's and squeezed gently. His other hand ran up Craig's chest, opening his jacket zip and then stroking up his neck and under his hat into his hair.
"Why are you still wearing this thing?" Kenny asked, breaking the kiss and looking Craig over to check he was okay.
He was fine. Maybe just a little breathless.
"I haven't worn it in years." He said, staring into Kenny's blue eyes and wondering if his own pupils were as dilated as his partner's. "My mom dug it out of a closet for this trip. She called it my lucky hat."
"Lucky she did." Kenny agreed and pulled him in for a series of shorter kisses that did nothing to help him get his breath back. "It's what made me stop for you."
Kenny let go of his hand and took his own jacket off, his cap squashed in a pocket already, and hung it on the coat peg.
"This is not how any of my fantasies of you went by the way." He said smoothing his hand over the bulge in Craig's jeans. "But, poor sinner that I am, I am happy to accept what fate throws my way."
Craig was beginning to seriously wonder what exactly Kenny was besides a pilot, a father and a poor sinner. He was feeling layers, and he didn't mean cold weather gear. Then Kenny unbuckled Craig's belt, opened his fly and slid a warm, calloused hand into his boxers to take a firm grip of his dick and Craig's brain stopped. Kenny worked him for a minute, quickly getting a feel for it and what Craig liked as he continued to swell.
"You know, I had my suspicions about this monster, but it is nice to have them confirmed."
Kenny sat down on the lid of the toilet and pushed Craig's jeans and boxers down enough to free him completely, then he started to give him a blow job the likes of which he had not had in years. Craig was hung, he had always known that and it had been a confidence boost at times. The downside was that not everyone knew how to deal with it. It took longer for him to get fully hard than most other men and when he was, it could be intimidating. Kenny was not intimidated. He licked and kissed and sucked and slurped, not giving a damn about the obscene noises. Craig rested a hand lightly on Kenny's head, massaging through his hair and gently encouraging him to take more of his cock into his warm mouth.
"Stop!" Craig croaked, remembering himself and the fact that it had been six months since he last had sex, and much longer since he last had good sex, and that his stamina was likely to be zero.
Kenny pulled off him with a last obscene pop and smiled up at him with spit-slicked lips. Craig pulled him up by his shirt to kiss him hard. Kenny wrapped his arms around his waist and let himself be kissed, making little sounds of pleasure as Craig swiped at him with his tongue. Eventually, he pushed back.
"Plane to catch Craig." He reminded gently.
He tied the bottom of his open shirt around his stomach and pulled a sachet of lube and a condom from his coat pocket. He gave them to Craig. Craig rolled the condom on and waited until Kenny had got his pants down and bent over to lube up his fingers. He stretched Kenny open with one hand and quickly discovered he had to use to other to cover his mouth. Kenny either didn't care they were in a public restroom or he was easily distracted into forgetting. Kenny was vocal and eager and as he couldn't be loud, he started fucking himself on Craig's fingers to make the point.
Craig smeared lube over the condom and positioned the head of his cock at Kenny's hole.
"Ready?" He asked.
Kenny nodded and Craig let himself sink slowly in. By the time he felt his balls against Kenny's, Kenny was vibrating and moaning against his hand.
"So good." He whispered and kissed the back of Kenny's neck until he was wriggling with frustration. Craig reached round him to cup his balls, tugging them gently before moving up to fist his leaking dick. "Help me find your angle." Craig said and Kenny nodded again. He ground back and forth on Craig's dick, making Craig clench his teeth together as he tried to recite the speed of light to keep himself distracted. When he felt Kenny shudder, he gave a sigh of relief. "There? Alright, brace yourself. It's going to be fast and dirty."
When Kenny came, it was with a mewling sob and panting gasps through his nose. Craig rode him through it and then emptied himself into the condom, stifling his own groan in Kenny's shirt covered shoulder. They kissed leisurely as they came down, but Craig had a fist full of cum and the whole thing was getting a bit gross. Cleaning up with toilet paper, and wiping off the stall wall, didn't do much to improve the matter, but it got them decent enough to get to the sinks.
Craig's face was red and hot. There was no way they had not been heard.
"That was definitely one of my top three restroom encounters." Kenny smiled. "I am glad I finally got the chance."
But... Thought Craig.
"I hate to fuck and run," Kenny said. "But I have to get through security and you have to change your ticket to Bali and get your bag unloaded." Kenny squeezed his shoulder. "I love you man, but you are a useless, intellectual homosexual. Your boyfriend went out to find answers that don't exist in the form he was looking for and without you to ground him, he lost his way. He doesn't know how to come home, you have to go and physically get him. He's not just been been sending pictures of sunsets and beaches has he? They are lonely sunsets, with him looking philosophical, or beaches where he is showing off his hot yoga bod. They are pleas and invitations. Without him, you've become isolated and oblivious, but you were never an automaton and this separation is not good for you. Go and bring him home. Or stay there with him. There must be Science! in Bali too, and what is important is that you are together."
Craig felt the truth hit him hard in the chest and knew he had tears forming in his eyes. Kenny hugged him and Craig let out a pained sob that he had been holding inside for more than three years.
"Thank you." He said quietly after a minute or two, when he had gathered himself a bit.
"My pleasure." Kenny replied and gave him a wink. "Lets go."
Craig walked Kenny to security, their hands clasped together as if they were back in the fourth grade and on a field trip. Craig was still dazed, working on the reality of his new situation as Kenny kissed him on the cheek.
"I'll see you around Tucker. Say 'Hi' to Tweek for me and if you ever feel like a threesome, don't you dare call anyone else."
"Take care Kenny." Craig replied and watched him swagger up to the security gate.
Once Kenny was out of sight, Craig turned on his heel and stalked to the ticket desk.
"Get me to Bali." He said to the clerk, his voice sounding even more nasal than usual due to his tears. "As quickly as possible."
It took a day and a half to get to Bali, and Craig was incredibly glad he had managed to get a shower during his stopover in Frankfurt.
He had no idea of local customs or the language and no more information than the name of the resort for the rich, bored and troubled that Tweek worked at. Fortunately, that was enough for the taxi driver, who was happy to accept his credit card.
The receptionist took some convincing before she would reveal Tweek's likely location as he was finished for the day and she had no idea who Craig was. Craig resorted to showing her the album of (safe) pictures of them together that he had somehow never gotten around to deleting from his phone... Apparently she recognized some of them from Tweek's room and pointed him towards the beach behind the employee quarters.
The sun had already started to set and Tweek was sat cross-legged on a mat facing the ocean. His eyes were closed and his breathing was slow and even. He looked relaxed and beyond beautiful. The photos didn't do him justice at all.
Craig didn't disturb his mediation, just sat down beside him and watched the sunset, noticing that his breathing slowed to match Tweek's instinctively and his mind started to empty just the way Tweek had taught him years ago. Craig felt a tightness that he had not previously been aware of loosen from his chest. He was in the moment and content, sitting on a beach beside Tweek, watching the sun slowly set, despite not knowing how his sudden arrival would be received.
As the sun finally vanished, Craig felt a hand on his and let long pianist's fingers entwine naturally with his. Tweek blinked his eyes open slowly.
"You came." Tweek said and his smile lit up his green eyes, his whole face and Craig's entire existence.
Craig swallowed hard, but could only nod and continue to stare, hypnotized by the aqua eyes looking back at him.
"I have missed you so much." His mouth said without any impulse passing through his conscious brain.
"I missed you too." Tweek answered without hesitation. "What brought you here now?"
"I had sex with Kenny." Craig's mouth said, again without his permission and he startled back at his own admission.
Tweek just nodded, as if having sex with a former schoolmate was a perfectly logical explanation for traveling across the globe to drop in unannounced on your ex-boyfriend.
"Who hasn't?" He asked.
"I got my doctorate." Craig said, trying to rewind and explain. "I got my doctorate and I got a job in Alaska. I went home to see my family before heading up North for the Winter. Mom found my old hat for me." Craig's mouth just ran on its own but Tweek sat quietly and listened. "I was going to the airport and my stupid rental blew something, so I hitched a lift. Kenny picked me up because he recognized the hat. We had sex in a bathroom stall at the airport and he told me to change my ticket and come to you. He said all that matters is that we are together. I think he's right Tweek." He realized he sounded slightly desperate and didn't give a damn.
"You met Maurice." Tweek said, still sounding calm and accepting.
"What? No. Kenny." Craig said, confused.
"I think Kenny is an Old Soul." Tweek explained, uncrossing his legs and leaning against Craig's side. "He has seen a lot. Even for someone from South Park. I've named one of his past incarnations 'Maurice', because he 'speaks of the pompatus of love', like in the song. I've met him twice. Once, when we broke up in junior year because you were bothered about college, not communicating and letting everything stew. I slept with Kenny and Kenny sent me back to you. He said you were a useless, intellectual homosexual and that your actions would always speak louder than your words and I had the choice to either talk it over with you, get over it or get over you. I chose to try and get over it, which was the wrong decision."
"You never told me that." Craig said. "Although the description of me is familiar, he told me the same thing yesterday."
Tweek raised an eyebrow at him.
"Would it have been helpful at the time?" He asked.
Craig considered how stressed, angry and insecure he had been that year, especially after the break-up, and shook his head.
"The second time was when I left on my journey. I was hitching, trying to get to California, and I discovered a glory hole at a truck stop in Phoenix. I was feeling low, but I was curious and not going anywhere under my own steam anyway, so I waited to see if anything would happen. It was a glory hole, and I didn't want to be seen, but I had only seen two erections up close that weren't mine and I was fairly certain. He told me he had just broken up with his baby-mama and had some repressed gayness to let out, so he was fucking his way across the country on his route. It sounded like Kenny and I let him fuck me under the stall. When he was done, and had made sure I was too, he told me I was looking for answers in the wrong places and that my 'home' was in the other direction. He said if I wanted to go his way, back towards 'home', he'd take me. I don't know if he knew it was me. He might have seen my birthmark and I might have 'Gah!'ed and 'Nrgh!'ed at some point."
"If you didn't, he wasn't doing his job right." Craig said. Tweek was also a very verbal sex partner.
"I didn't listen to him." Tweek said. "I am glad you did."
Craig pulled him into his lap and hugged him so tightly it was as if he was trying to join them together on a subatomic level.
"What does 'pompatus' mean Honey?" He asked.
"I don't know." Tweek replied, running his hands through Craig's hair. "Maybe we should ask Kenny." He said and kissed Craig so deeply they felt it in their souls. "You never changed your relationship status." Tweek said. "I knew you would come for me eventually."
"I think I want children." Craig said, his mouth running on its own again.
"You mean more guinea pigs." Tweek smiled.
Craig shook his head.
"No. Well, yes. But kids too."
"We should get married then." Tweek said.
"Can we do that here?" Craig asked.
"No." Tweek shook his head.
"Good. I want to go home." Said Craig. "I packed for an Alaskan Winter, I've got two cows worth of unsuitable clothing with me and not much else except my laptop."
"Metric or imperial cows?" Tweek asked, standing up and offering Craig a hand.
Craig pulled himself up and rolled his eyes.
"Imperial obviously. No self-respecting scientist would claim cows were suitable as a metric unit."
Tweek shook out his mat, rolled it up and stuck it under his arm, then he offered Craig his hand again.
"I've had enough of rich people problems." He said.
"That's lucky because I am broke as shit." Craig said, following him up the beach.
"If you take me home, I'll marry you anyway." Tweek replied, smiling the most radiant smile Craig had ever seen, before it transformed into something equally entrancing in a different way. "And I will give you the benefit of everything I learned on my travels about Tantric yoga and how it relates to Tantric sex, in very private, very hands-on lessons."
"That would make me sooo happy." Craig groaned as his blood rushed South.
AN2 - Things I briefly googled whilst writing this, but do not in fact know shit about, include, but are not limited to...
Alaska, Bali, Trucking, Pilot's licenses, PhD's at US universities - cost and duration thereof, LGBTQ rights in Indonesia, Security at US airports, Pompatus - meaning of.
AN3 - The plan, before my undisciplined beta-less ass changed it, was for Craig and Kenny to spend the season in Alaska, occasionally seeing each other when Kenny delivered supplies to Craig's station while Craig pined and did Science! and Kenny tried to distract himself from his pining by picking up anything with a pulse and flying about recklessly.
Craig was supposed to be over Tweek, but refused to be and Kenny clearly ships it, although he wouldn't mind getting in on it either.
Also I realized that, aside from a few episodes of 'Alaska State Troopers', I have precisely zero clue about Alaska. I strongly suspect 'Alaska State Troopers' may not be the best source of information about life in Alaska. According to them, it is all drink, drugs, illegal hunting and rescuing people who don't realize how fucking cold Alaska is.