The door of the trailer opening, the sound of the keys being thrown to the small kitchen table. Derek sighs, tired. All I feel is the cold breeze entering the place, making my feet get cold. I change into a fetal position, turning away, covering myself with the blanket I had. I haven't slept. Not even a minute, or a second. My eyes are closed, but my mind keeps on functioning. Is it that bad that I keep thinking about what he said? "...I would be thrilled" what the hell was he trying to say?! He turns the bathroom lights on, so he can have some vision of what he's doing.
I'm on his side of the bed and I know he's gonna try to disturb me so I can move. He likes me to respect his side of the bed. I know he will. Instead he sits on the feet of the bed, careful of squeezing my feet, he actually moves them carefully to a side, making room for himself. Derek tries his best on not waking me up... I can tell that's a sweet act, maybe one of the purest acts he's done lately. He starts changing into his pajamas, taking his shirt off. Everything feels so cold and I feel so uncomfortable, almost like I'm back in New York and he got home late after some hardworking surgeries.
Doc jumps in the bed and I can't contain myself from shouting, I'm not so attached to animals... I mean, I can be. But I'm not. The beast barks at me. Derek chuckles because of my scared, half tired expression and takes Doc by his dog necklace. Protecting the princess from the dragon.
"Jesus Christ... he scared me." I say, sighing softly. I run a hand through my hair. He stares. I feel him staring while I move on bed, trying to find a more comfortable position, even if the mattress wasn't the best to sleep in.
"You weren't asleep, were you?" He asks, taking his belt and pants off. I look at him, he's smiling at me, sweetly.
"No, I was trying to, though." I say, adjusting my pajama blouse, noticing it doesn't look proper. I feel humiliated in there, somehow. I don't feel free to show my body, or even just, be stubborn and sleep on his side of the bed even if he doesn't want me to.
"What were you thinking about?" He asks, almost like he cares about me again. I decide to ignore him and close my eyes. I hear how he turns the lights off. After some minutes the weight on the bed changes, I feel his warm hand on my shoulder. "Addison, you aren't sleeping. Don't pretend." He says, still kind enough to make me think something is going on with him and his mistress, and all he wants it's some comfort from me.
I open my eyes, moving myself far away from his part of the bed, turning around, his view is my back and I like it that way. Well, I don't enjoy it. I wish I could just turn around, stick to his body and hear him breathe for hours, feel his heart beating on my ear. I want that. I would love that. But he probably doesn't.
Now, come on, what was all about that?! Is he even considering being nice to me after ruining his love story with the twelve year old?
Gotta admit I'm freezing. I hate Seattle. The weather is horrible even in spring. It is simply, awful. New York is different. Or too cold or too hot, there's not a medium temperature, except from spring afternoons, that's a warm and cozy temperature. Lost in my thoughts, I feel him move, I hear his breathing, desperate breathing.
"Addison...?" He wants to talk to me about something.
"What is it now?" I say, turning around to face him, "What did I do to upset you now? Am I breathing too loud?" I got mean. I wasn't sorry for getting mean, though.
"Relax. I wanted to know if you were sleeping, that's all." He says. I'm so naive I buy it. Almost like this is the truest lie he's ever told.
"You're acting weird." That's all I manage to say. I know he's lying. He doesn't want to know if I'm sleeping or not. He was seeking for my attention because of something else. "Stop it. Alright?" I say. I turn around again.
He's stubborn and he's gonna insist. He moves, closer to me. Closer to my body, that way that he wraps an arm around my waist. Making me shake, I'm shaking. His touch... I missed that.
"Derek, what are you... what are you doing?" I say, breathing heavily, he gets even closer, moving his toes to curl up with mine.
"I cuddle with my wife." That's his explanation. His free hand strokes my hair, and somehow I figure the best thing I could do is turning around. So I did. As soon as I turned, his eyes sparkled. I could see a little sparkle even if we were in the darkness. "What's wrong?" He asks softly.
"Nothing." I reply. I don't wanna waste this, I feel attached. And I miss him, I miss everything. The way he used to make me feel. I move closer, a hand on his hair, so I can caress it.
He caresses my back, slowly, making me go crazy, for a moment I could swear this is the best time of my life. The tension is... hard to handle. He decides to develop a kiss to my dry lips. I allow myself to kiss him back, it's soft, sweet. Something casual, something not out of a daily habit.
"What are you doing?" I ask, breathing against his lips. I missed those passionate kisses. Almost like I could believe he didn't cheat back. His hand touches my upper leg, all I can think of is getting him naked right now, but it's not the occasion. "No." I say, pulling myself aside, just a bit.
"What?" He's curious, I can tell.
"Is this some kind of 'I broke up with my mistress' kinda moment for you? Is that why you're trying to have sex with me?" I ask. I'm obviously offended and feeling hurt meanwhile he shows himself as fresh and okay as possible.
"You're mentioning Meredith in bed? Are you being serious?" He chuckles a little, that annoys me.
"Derek! I'm not joking. I... I can't do this." I sit on the bed, not making eye contact with him.
"What are you saying?" He asks. What I said, Derek. He obviously heard and understood.
"You love her. You said it yourself. She's in love with you." I say. I hate myself, my tone is shaky, like my voice is weak as hell.
"Addie, I don't love Meredith. I told you that I love you." Derek says. He did told me he loved me, but he wasn't being realistic. And if he was, I was thinking about something else or I was denying it in my head.
"I was overwhelmed. I was sad and you said I love you. Do you expect me to believe that after... everything?" I say. I refer to the time he said he loved me in the exam room, when the whole damn poison oak happened.
"I do believe you. I did believe you all those times you said you were sorry and you said you loved me, why can't you believe me?" Derek says, he tries to make eye contact, hard enough. His voice shows some regret and sadness.
"I'm not sure if..."
"I ended her? Ended what I had with Grey?" Derek cuts me off, I'm kinda happy he did, because I didn't want to mention her. I'm such a coward of my sins.
"Yeah." I nod. His warm hand falls on my knee. I look into his eyes, looking for a response.
"I don't talk to her, Addison." He admits. He's not lying. God, he's not lying.
"Why are you doing this then? You come here and you act all sad puppy and then you try to... have sex."
"I was all sad puppy because I didn't know if you meant it. I did believe you. But I didn't know if you were being serious all those times you said you loved me. I mean, it was hard for me to admit I love you still even after what you did. How was I sure that you loved me?"
"I love you, Derek. You can't blame me." I say, still using my grumpy tone, he tries his best on getting me softer by massaging my knee.
"I'm not blaming you!" He says. "How could I?"
"Wait, so you're saying it's your mistake that I... never mind." I say, ignoring my mind for a minute, I need to shut up and go to sleep.
"Addison." He calls my name again, but it's too late because I found the perfect position. I kiss him. That's all I do. I regret it, immediately. But, am I stopping?