Author's Note:
zikashigaku: Yeah, James would be older, but since he's a snap baby he's actually younger than her? But he has accelerated growth, so even though he's legally thirteen, he's more like a sixteen year old. It's less weird when they are older and my husband and I talked AT LENGTH about this decision, but it doesn't really happen again... for now...
James stared out the window as the trees passed by. He counted the trees as best he could at seventy miles per hour. It didn't matter if he missed a few. He didn't understand anything about his world anymore.
"You okay?"
James looked over his right shoulder to see Sarah watching him with a meek smile. He rolled his eyes and groaned loudly, turning back to stare at the passing scenery again.
Sarah leaned against the door to get a better look at her brother, narrowing her eyes as she continued to poke at his patience, "You act like you're the only person this is affecting, but she's my best friend. She's like family."
James chewed on his words for a moment before shifting his eyes to look in the rear-view mirror. He narrowed his eyes when his father finally noticed him staring, "Why did we call them family all these years?"
Steve stared back at James for a moment, until a car horn brought his focus back to the road. Kayla turned slowly to face her son, "They are like family to us. Family is more than blood relatives."
"Yeah, but like, do we have more family? Because I've only known Grandma for three years, and she's my actual family. And I find out today that Uncle Tony isn't actually our uncle? What's next? Is Uncle Bucky not your brother either?" James spat quickly and Steve turned to Kayla, giving her an 'I told you so' look.
She responded with a scowl before opening her mouth to answer her son, but he'd caught the exchange. He sat with his eyes narrowed and arms crossed as he waited for his mother's answer. Kayla groaned and pushed back her short hair, "James, it's complicated-"
"That's what Morgan said. I'm sick and tired of complicated, I'm not a child anymore. We aren't children anymore." James pointed to his sister and Sarah balked at being brought into the argument. James quickly softened at his mother's tired gaze, "Is anything real?"
"We're your parents. This is your sister. Your dad and I got into some trouble after you were born. We're just trying to keep you safe." Kayla answered easily. It was easy to tell her son the truth. It was getting harder and harder to lie.
"Maybe we should just tell him, there's no more-" Steve suggested, getting James's attention, but Kayla cut off her husband with a sharp shake of her head.
"Mom?" Sarah asked, sensing the tension in her mother's heart.
Kayla ran her tongue along her teeth thoughtfully, then shook her head again, "No. Kids, please... can't you do this for me and your father? Can't you just... be patient. Someday this is going to all make sense-"
"It could make sense right now if you told us." James barked back and Sarah shrunk into her seat, not wanting to get involved. Her brother had his mother's temper, and as he got older, he wasn't afraid to use it. Sarah noticed her father's jaw set tight, trying not to get involved either.
Steve rested his hand on Kayla's thigh in an effort to calm her down, but it was too late, the loose cannon was about to fire, "Listen to me- you were a snap baby. I lost you. I watched the doctor carve you out of me while my parents died, while my friends died." James widened his eyes as his mother continued, leaning into the backseat now to point at Sarah, "The doctor's didn't think Sarah was going to make it, and after everything I went through with you- after everything we went through... We finally had two perfect children who were alive and well. All I'm asking is that you trust us for one fucking second, because we gave up everything for you!"
"Kayla!" Steve yelped as his wife reached her boiling point, settling into her seat quietly after her outburst. She stared ahead as tears started to form, turning her eyes into green pools. Steve threw his head back and groaned loudly as they approached the city limits of their home.
"Kayla?"
Steve straightened up and looked at his wife, but she didn't even flinch at her son's sad voice. Steve looked up in the mirror to see him zeroed in on his mom with a gentle smile on his face, "Is that your real name?"
Kayla's chest gave out and she released a silent sob. She didn't turn around, but she nodded her head, confirming her son's suspicions. Sarah looked from James to her dad to the back of her mom's head, feeling the tension in the car soften a bit. She breathed just a little easier, as if her own lungs had a weight lifted off them.
Nobody said a word the rest of the trip until they rolled into the driveway of their house. Before Steve could even park the truck, James was sprinting out the rear passenger door around to his mom, ready to corner her before she could ignore his apology. Kayla pushed open the door and her son was there to corner her. "Mom. Mom I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you, I shouldn't have mouthed off."
Kayla sighed deeply and pulled James into a tight hug. She pressed a kiss to his ear before whispering, "I'm so sorry, honey. I'm so sorry that we can't tell you everything. We will, I just want you to have a normal life. I just want you to have a good life, a real one. Someday when you and your sister are older it'll make sense."
"I trust you." James promised, pulling his mom even tighter into his chest. She smiled and leaned against him, noticing Steve come up behind them and wrap his arms around them. He ruffled his son's hair, causing the boy to look up and smirk at his father.
"So, that was terrible." Steve closed the bedroom door that night as his wife got ready for bed. She yanked off her top and discarded it on the floor angrily. Steve snorted and picked it up, moving it the five feet into the hamper. He picked up the jeans she'd left on the floor and put them in the hamper after her top, "I guess on the bright side I can call you by your name now."
"Yeah. I guess." Kayla whispered. She sat on their bed in her nightgown and stared out the window. "I shouldn't have snapped at James."
"He deserved it." Steve replied but Kayla looked up at him, her eyes telling Steve she knew that was a lie. Steve knelt down in front of Kayla to look up at her as she began to unbutton his plaid shirt. "Kayla, we should tell them."
"They are still just kids. I don't want them to know what we did."
"You mean that we were Avengers?" Steve questioned.
"No, that we killed people." Kayla whispered back as she clenched the fabric of Steve's green shirt in each hand. She leaned into him, pressing her forehead against his as she let out a gasp, "I killed people. Innocent people. I ruined lives. I don't want them to think of me that way. They are just kids, they need their mom-"
"You'll always be their mom, that doesn't change." Steve assured her with a kiss to the temple. "If we don't tell them, they'll find out on their own. I'm all over the history books, so is your dad, so are you..."
"And then what happens? Then it's the opposite problem, everyone knows they are our kids. Nobody treats them the same. Adults won't treat them the same. You don't think they'll come for James and Sarah? We are super soldiers, even if I didn't have the serum, you still did, which meant they might. We knew that... it still puts them at risk." Kayla hissed, looking at the door. She listened for a moment, catching the sound of James's video games and the soft hum of a video playing from Sarah's room. She looked back to Steve with wide eyes, "If they don't know, they have nothing to hide. It's either their secret to keep or ours. That should be our burden. They are just kids, Steve."
"I'm fully aware they are just kids Kayla, I just don't like lying to them. I'm proud of who I was. I want them to know where they came from." Steve laced his fingers through Kayla's and stared at them for a moment.
"We had a deal. Remember, when they were little?" Kayla pulled up on Steve's hands to get him to come sit on the bed with her, "When James is eighteen, when Sarah is seventeen, they're practically adults. Then they can know the truth and decide what to do with it. Maybe James will want the serum removed, maybe Sarah will want it, because its her birth right, but we made the agreement that we wanted them to choose. We'll give them that option when they are old enough to understand it."
Steve leaned back, smashing his head against the pillow as he started to close his eyes, "Fine. I don't think he'll bother you about it again. You scared the shit out of him."
Kayla smirked and pulled the lamp switch before nestling in beside Steve, "Language, Captain." She teased, and he rolled over her, tickling her into the mattress until she couldn't contain the giggles anymore. She pulled his face to hers and kissed him, studying him lovingly in the darkness. "I love you so much. And I'm so proud of you."
Steve kissed her softly, then laid down beside her. He didn't need to reciprocate her words. She read him like an open book.
As Steve drifted off into sleep, Kayla turned to look at him with a frown etched across her face. She studied the way his eyes crinkled in the corners more and more, and how she couldn't easily trace the muscles in his arm. As he snored, occasionally one of the snores would come out a bit of a wheeze. Kayla felt her own arm, her own face, then darted out of bed to the adjoining bathroom.
She closed the door quietly and flipped on the light, taking a moment too long to adjust to the brightness. She scowled in the mirror, studying her own reflection. She could see the start of crow's feet around her eyes. She lifted her nightgown and studied her abs, they were hard to find beneath her soft skin. At forty-seven years old, Kayla looked amazing, but that didn't ease her fears any.
Kayla opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out a bottle of women's vitamins, twisting open the cap as she looked over her shoulder. She heard the snoring through the door and quickly popped two of the little white pills into her mouth, swallowing them dry without taking her eyes off the door. She shook a little as she felt them dissolve in her throat, spreading its contents into her bloodstream. She'd been clean for years. She hadn't been taking her pills since before they reversed the snap. She didn't need to. She had everything.
But Pepper's diagnosis and their reaction to it shook Kayla to her core. She poured out a bunch of the pills into her hand before tightening the cap and putting it back. She was careful not to make extra noise as she turned off the light and snuck out through her bedroom into the hallway. She froze when she heard James call quietly, "Mom?"
Kayla peeked in, keeping her hand on the doorframe as she smiled in at her son, "Hey honey. What's up?"
"I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I'm really sorry about earlier, I didn't mean it. I just- I'm sad, you know?" James admitted as he turned off his game. He stood, but Kayla just kept her spot by the door. "You sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine honey. I just need to go get some water. Do you need anything?" Kayla asked sweetly, practically crushing the pills in her right hand. James declined and she told him goodnight, closing the door before sighing deeply and tiptoeing down the stairs.
Kayla didn't even turn on the lights, knowing her kitchen like the back of her hand. She pulled a cutting board from a cabinet above the sink and winced as she pulled a rolling pin from a drawer next to her. Once she had everything she needed, she poured the pills into a zip-lock bag and slowly but firmly crushed them with the rolling pin. She looked up the stairs as she used all her strength to demolish the pills into a fine powder. Once she put away the rolling pin and cutting board, she shook the bag and shook it, taking a long step over to the stove where the coffee pot sat. She twisted the lid to the coffee canister and pulled open the zip-lock bag, dumping its contents into the coffee grounds. She quickly screwed on the lid and shook the canister before setting it back in its normal spot.
Kayla's arms were quaking as she reached above the sink to grab a glass, understanding what she was about to do. Her body was on fire and she was thinking clearer than she had in years, and she considered throwing out the coffee grounds and-
Zawadi appeared beside her, whimpering as he pressed his wet nose to her hand. She set down her glass and crouched down to hug the dog, crying into his fur. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." The dog just licked away her tears, comforting her as he had for the past seventeen years. She pulled away and looked at the dog's face, knowing she was doing the wrong thing. She fell against him again, trying hard to stop her own tears. "I'm just not brave enough to let go."