"You will lose someone you can't live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp."~ Anne Lamott

The Cloudless Sky

Love Lost

.8

….

Shimari stared blankly at the white haired sannin. Before turning her heel to shoot Owl a look because he had not warned her that she was going to have to deal with this today. "Fuck you." Her eyes speak louder than words and Owl obviously gets the message because he turns to look at the Third. The Nara woman respected the hell out of the sannin. Minato had kissed the ground his teacher had walked on and she could thank the man for keeping one of her best friends alive for so long. But she didn't like him.

She never had. He was vulgar, he rubbed her the wrong way, and at the time of crisis he abandoned the village. Like she had, Shimari would never forgive herself for that, she would have to live with it forever. The regret she carried would follow her to the grave, at least she could amend for it now, but it would never leave her. Sad and scared blue eyes burned forever into her mind.

Had Jiriaya stayed, she would have never have had to see such a horrible reminder of her own failings.

"I am sorry to pull you away from your lessons with Naruto at such late notice Nara-san." The Hokage speaks fully, catching the vibe ANBU's second in command was throwing. Mostly directed at her commanding officer, but he'd rather not have to deal with any argument that would arise from her own surprise. She regained her composure quickly as she turned to finally look at him. Shimari sighs.

"I'd given him the day off from direct lessons since he is having a bit of trouble with scripting proficiency. Mikoto is going to help him with it as homework." She informs him, and he nods. He trusts her judgment on the matters of teaching the boy fuinjutsu. Shimari, much like Minato had been, was a true master of the alustrive art. While she would never be able to use the hiraishin to the same level as his former successor she was highly skilled.

It could not be overlooked or ignored. The Nara woman had unprecedented talent. She was special. She was very detrimental to the sustainability of the village. Whether she wanted to admit it or not.

"I see, do you perhaps think that she will be willing to continue to help him with his scripting proficiency for a while longer." It's not a question, he knows it, she knows it. She sucks in a breath.

"Naruto needs a few more weeks of just kanji practice, his handwriting is nowhere near the level of control he needs to start actual fuinjutsu scripting. I assume based on the fact that Tsunade-sama is missing from today's meeting but Jiraiya-sama is present means that she has not been able to be reached. I will also assume based on your previous statement that you wish for me to accompany Jiraiya-sama to retrieve Tsunade-sama." He doesn't even pretend to be shocked. Hiruzen knew just how smart, and how perceptive she truly was. So he is in fact not surprised she pieced it together so quickly.

"That would be correct. I will let Owl oversee your other project while you are away. My hope is that this will only take the two of you a few weeks, and seeing as you yourself have been in a similar situation as my former student you will have a better chance at reaching her." Shimari raises her brow, bites her lip. It tells him that whatever is about to spout from his mouth is going to be nothing if not controversial.

"Quite frankly Sandaime-sama what I went through and what Tsunade-sama went through are entirely completely different things. No disrespect but when I left the village I did so with the approval of the Hokage and returned when I was asked the first time." The Sandaime sighs, he could not deny some of her points.

The Yondaime had allowed her to leave, if anything it had been Minato who suggested she go in the first place. Hiruzen knew innately that the situations were different but he hoped they were similar enough to help Tsunade. Who's left with a bitter taste in her mouth and spite in her heart. He does not miss the look the ANBU commander gives her or the not so subtle figurative middle finger she gives him back. Owl just shakes his head.

Hiruzen almost envied the relationship those two had developed over the years. It was a teacher student bond that had no limitations, Owl had been the best instructor for her, she made him her family in return. He wished that had been what had become of his own team. But the years had not been kind and that had not been the case. He could not take them back now and the regret would live with him forever.

"Shimari." His tone is shorter than he intends but he needs to move this along. She nods dipping into a small bow.

"Of course Sandaime-sama, I will accompany Jiraiya-sama to retrieve Tsunade-sama." And then because she was apparently in a mood she dismissed herself completely disappearing from the spot she'd once stood entirely.

"Wow, I'm surprised she didn't try to kill you just now." Jiraiya muses without any sort of regard. Hiruzen shakes his head, rubbing his hands over his face.

He was too old for this.

"My apologies Sandaime-sama. Nara-san is my responsibility and her behavior-" Hiruzen waves the half-hearted apology Owl starts to give off. No point to go through the motions when it wasn't meant.

"As expected, I knew it was likely the comparison would irritate her. She is not wrong, what she went through is ultimately very different from what happened to Tsunade. Nevertheless we must go on. By the fact the mission scroll is missing from my desk, Shimari will be ready to meet you at the gate by midday Jiraiya so you best be prepared to leave immediately." Jiraiya nodded, he quite frankly had no idea what exactly happened to her. Other than the fact that she'd been Minato's best friend he knew very little about her. He did know one thing for sure, she was held at a very high place in the Third's eyes. Not many could get away with being that openly disrespectful to their commander.

"Sure, I haven't unpacked anyway." He shrugs. It wasn't like he was planning to stay long. Even if his godson was in the village, it sounded like he was being taken care of, and Jiraiya wasn't ready to face that just yet.

He needed more time.

"You are dismissed." Hiruzen looked at Owl who gave a nod before taking his silent dismissal. Now he was alone to his thoughts, in retrospect he should have taken a slightly more considerate approach. He ultimately knew better than most how hard it was to lose a child before they ever had been given a chance. He knew how hard it was to come back from that.

After all, Biwako was never the same after she lost their third child.

…

Shimari told Shisui she had a mission out of the village and to keep an eye on her chickens. He rolled his eyes and asked if he needed to pass anything on to Mikoto for her in regards to said chickens. She gave him all of the homework she needed Naruto to work on then told him to stay safe. Rabbit sought her out as she was gathering some supplies from her office.

"Come back." She nods pats their shoulder as she starts to go.

"Of course. I always do. Keep an eye on Otter for me. He's going to babysit my chickens while I'm gone." Rabbit agrees with no complaints. Knowing it was what she needed to be able to go in peace. Knowing her people will all be looked after while she's gone. Shimari already had too many regrets, she didn't want to leave not knowing they'd all be safe.

She didn't speak to Minato's former teacher when she arrived at the gate. Quite frankly if she could not talk to him the entire journey she would be ecstatic. The likelihood was however very unlikely since the man was known to be a chatterbox and much like Minato he would intentionally fill the silence. Even if it grated her nerves and annoyed the piss out of her.

"Please shut up." Shimari snapped sometime during the second day of their mission. He'd been going on for hours, she'd barely spared him any attention as they jumped through the treetops. She was in no mood to continuously listen to his incessant blubbering. As rude as it was, she didn't care. She didn't want to make nice. What she wanted was to do this as quickly as they could manage with very little interaction between them.

If they started talking she doesn't know how long she'll be able to hold her tongue in regards to his less than appealing behavior. Especially with his refusal of responsibility. She respected Minato and herself why to damn much to just out right yell at the man.

That was about to no longer be a concern.

"Minato always talked so fondly about you. But as far as I can tell you're a bit of a bitch." He didn't see the connection. Didn't see what Minato had gone on about, since the brunette never came around him all he had was what Minato had once said. Frankly Jiraiya didn't see anything remarkable about the kunoichi. Shimai whirled around half way through her tree hopping and promptly descended to the forest floor. His brow rose, finally an emotion other than indifference.

He'd call it a win.

Except he'd not really been expecting the wrathful creature that greeted him when he landed next to her. She stood her ground with eyes of furry, shoulders visibly shivering with rage. Shimari was not a pushover, she'd never been. Unless someone had the grounds to call her names then she wouldn't stand for it.

"Let's get something straight. I don't like you. I have never in my entire life liked you. I respect you as a fellow shinobi of Konoha and as Minato's sensei. But I do not like you. Not only that, but I do not agree with this mission. It is not right that Tsunade was able to leave the village without permission or consequence when the going got too tough. It is also not right that she's up for Hokage prospects when she abandoned the village during war times. I don't want to talk because there is nothing for you and I to talk about. If that makes you feel like I am a bitch than that says more about your own character Jiraiya-sama than it says about mine." She seethed but she didn't yell. Angry yet calm words poured out of her mouth like fire.

Shimari was not her to make friends or play games. Her only objective was to complete this mission and to go the fuck home as quickly as she could. She'd spent too much time away from it as it stood and she didn't want to spend anymore than necessary going forward.

Jiraiya was quiet. Taken aback. He had not expected that reaction. How could he? He barely knew anything about her.

"Alright. We don't have to talk unless it is about the mission." He relented turning his heel and started walking. Shimari sucked in a deep breath.

"Thank you." She muttered to herself before following at a sedated pace.

…

They found Tsunade in a small village five days into their mission. Jiraiya and her had barely said any words since the incident on the second day. Shimari was grateful, it allowed her some time to think and to process.

The Sandaime wanted her to use her own loss of love as a connecting point with Tsunade to convince her to come back to the village. Shimari honestly though the idea was ridiculous. Loss should not be a bargaining piece. She didn't understand why Tsunade wasn't being held to the same standards that any other member of the shinobi core who took a sabbatical.

Sabbaticals were common after wartime for higher members of the Shinobi core, if the loss and subsequent trauma were hardy enough and depending on rank a shinobi could be granted five to eight years of leave to deal with their problems. For those who took them most only took a year. The large length of time was given with the expectation that you'd only take a year to two off and then get back to work. There were of course cases where the trauma and grief couldn't be settled in a timely year or two window, instances of whole teams dying, several family members, shinobi parents losing children and vice versa.

Shimari herself has needed six years to deal with the aftermath of her partner's and their daughters death. The circumstances around both had traumatized her almost beyond repair. It had broken her team, Mouse still refused to speak to her. Both out of resentment and the woman's own grief.

Mouse had been the one to deliver the barely alive premature baby that was Shimari's deceased daughter. She'd been the one to declare Ferret dead after he'd tried to protect them all when Shimari had gone into premature labor during a mission. It was Mouse who had warned her about the risk of continuing to perform missions while pregnant, had begged Shimari to step down and let someone else lead them.

But Shimari couldn't leave her team during war times, she didn't want to fail them by abandoning them. In the process she instead failed them by becoming a liability. If Mouse never forgave her she wouldn't hold it against her former squadmate.

"You alright over there, you have murder me written across your entire face?" She is surprised by the question, but mainly because he actually asked. Shimari had almost forgotten him. Sucking in deep breath to help clear her mind she nodded.

"I am alright, a rather old and painful memory resurfaced while thinking the best way to go about our upcoming meeting. It will not hinder the objective." Jiraiya stared at her for a second longer than she was particularly comfortable with. Eying her warily. He sighed.

"Look about what I said before, I am sorry." Shimari raised her brow but nodded.

"I appreciate your apology, but just so you know I did mean what I said." He rolled his eyes huffing for show.

"Expected as much. Look I'll handle Tsunade, whatever the old man thinks you have in common you can keep to yourself. Don't think too hard about it." Shimari almost smiled, instead she shoved the desire aside biting her lip.

"Unfortunately as ridiculous as it is to me, there is merit to what the Sandaime suggested. Love lost and grief shouldn't be a bargaining tool but in this day anything goes right?."

XOXOX

And the story progresses. When I created Shimari I created her as a character who has a past of loss and grief to deal with and work through. I created her to show how loss affects a person. And how the ever evolving battle of overcoming your pain changes and affects those around you. I love Shimari in a way that is hard to describe because to me she is a great example of just how broken the naruto world can make a person become, how hard the shinobi life truly is. It's not all cut and dry and morals are grayed.

This story is entirely AU to the plot and will continue to push the limits of the Naruto Universe as I expand upon this idea of just how truly damaged it is in tandem. As we explore concepts that aren't given much thought in the original story and as I take a little creative liberties with how that matters in a whole.

Anyway enough of my ramblings… I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I will work on updating as soon as I can!

Thank you all for reading!

Sincerely, LaRae