He woke up alone in bed, hearing the sound of a giggling Addison. His heart hurt knowing he would have to tell her at some point and hopefully soon before she would hear it from someone else. He stood up from bed, wrapped himself on his robe and went into the living room to spot his wife eating ice cream and seeing Doc chasing his tail; which made her giggle.

"It's a little too cold for ice cream, don't you think?" Derek said, looking out the window where he could see the grey clouds all over the city.

She turned to look at him, "At first I craved waffles but you were asleep and I didn't want to wake my handsome chef." Addison said, smiling at him.

He tried his best on smiling back and moved to the couch, sitting next to her, "Had a good sleep?"

"I did. But it was a shame to wake up without you there." He said, kissing the side of her neck.

She giggled again, "Well, now that you're awake and responsive, how was it? Did you have fun? Too many nerds?" Addison asked, starting to feel a little strange since her husband had been trying to avoid the subject.

"Actually, I want to talk about that because I… It's not what you think it is." He spilled, taking the ice cream from her hands and leaving it on the coffee table.

She looked a little torn, not understand why he was acting so strange, "Derek, what happened?" Addison could sense there was something wrong.

He took a deep breath and grabbed both of her hands, "I didn't go to Boston. I went to New York."

Her jaw fell open, confused as to what was happening. "Wha- how? I mean, why New York?"

"Vivian called."

"Vivian your aunt or Vivian my… my Vivian?" She frowned at him.

He looked down, his smile from before had faded away, "Vivian Carlsmith." Derek looked into her eyes and rubbed his thumbs against her hands, "She… she was ill and needed my help. She didn't want you to know so I went over there and told you I was going to a neurology thing. I'm so sorry Addison."

She opened her mouth to speak but no words came out, so she just stared at him, brows frowned, sad eyes.

"It was cancer. It was advanced. Skin and brain cancer...I operated but she… she died on the table."

She shook her head, "There's no way." Addison laughed nervously.

"I'm so sorry Addie." His eyes looked at her, "I wanted to tell you from the very beginning, but Vivian asked me not to."

She shook her head again and pushed her hands off of his, she stood up and started pacing the room as she usually did when she was upset, "So she died." She stated, running a hand through her hair, and her other hand was on her hip.

"She did."

"How could you not tell me!?" She raised her voice, staring at him. The tears starting to built up, "Oh my God. I couldn't say goodbye! Derek, how could you keep this from me?! She was my mentor. Hell, she was like a mother to me!" Addison shouted angrily.

"Addie…"

"No! No! I had a crappy week, Derek. A really long and crappy week. And then you come back here and you not only lied to me, you also hid this from me! Why?! I can't even… If your mother was dying I would say: 'Fuck her wishes, I'm telling Derek.' You on the other hand? You follow suit and don't give a damn about me or what I would feel!" Addison said, pressing two fingers to her temple, wishing her eyes could stop building tears, because she did not want to cry.

Derek stood up from his spot on the couch and walked towards her.

"Stay the hell away from me! I'm sad and I'm mad and overwhelmed and… just go." She asked him, her voice breaking. "Go!"

"Addison... "

"No! I don't want to talk to you. You lie to me, you hide such thing from me and then… just go!" She replied angrily and sadly as well.

Derek knew she needed space to process the news, so he went into the kitchen and heard his wife getting inside the main bedroom and slamming the door behind her. After this he went into the living room again and sat down on the couch. He rested in there and watched Doc approach the door to their bedroom, he scratched it a couple times and then it opened, allowing him in, after that it shut again and Derek was left alone. He heard her cry and when he tried to go inside their room, he noticed she had locked the door.

It was overwhelming, because he hated himself for this and now his wife hated him.

He sat down and looked outside the window, running a hand through his hair, letting out a frustrated sigh. Hours went by and he woke up to the sound of the door being unlocked and Addison coming out of it, wearing jeans, water boots and a coat over a blue blouse. She didn't even look at him, just walked towards the table near the entry of their home and grabbed Doc's leash.

"Addie, where are you going?"

"To clear my mind." She said, and went away as fast as she could.

/

Hours passed and a thunderstorm was now on. He was worried about his wife so he tried calling her, but she obviously left her purse, which contained her phone and the keys of their apartment. Derek decided to take a hot shower to clear his mind and after that, still wrapped in a towel, he went into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of scotch, waiting for Addison to show up.

Suddenly he heard the scratches against the front door and a knock on it too. He walked over there and opened it, revealing a dripping water redhead and a dripping water dog. He didn't say a word just let her in and walked quickly to get two towels, one for her and one for Doc. He came back and saw her taking of her dripping wet coat and jeans, now standing barefoot and only wearing a damp blouse and panties, inside their kitchen.

Derek gave her the towel, she muttered a thank you and started getting herself as dry as possible, while he got Doc dry.

"Addie…" He started speaking, seeing her struggle with her wet hair and the blouse that wouldn't come off because it kept getting attached to her because of the water.

She shook her head, "Don't talk to me. Don't try to help me. Just.. don't." She said, her voice breaking.

Derek didn't listen and just walked closer to her, he wrapped his arms around her and she miraculously just let him hold her. "I'm sorry Addie. I'm so, deeply sorry." He said, holding her head against his chest, letting her cry in there. He didn't care if her skin was cold from the water or her damp hair would make him shiver.

Her tears and gasps of air after every cry were making his heart ache and make him feel deeply awful. Derek just held her as close as possible and caressed her back even if it was sort of tricky as she kept on crying. "She sent you hugs and so much love." He commented.

She kept on crying, so he kissed the top of her head and said, "I love you, I'm here for you. I won't leave. I'm here." Derek kept repeating.

After a couple of minutes she started to calm down and hugged him back, "I can't believe she's gone." Addison whispered.

"I should have told you." He said, regret in his voice.

She shook her head against his shoulder, "No. It's what she wanted. You did good on not telling me." Addison said as she slowly pulled away from him and met his sad eyes and sad smile. "Thank you for trying to help her. She must have been terrified to call you."

"You don't have to thank me. I did what I could." He assured her, "I'm sorry for ruining our weekend. I know you were excited for me to come back." Derek said, tucking a strand of damp hair behind her ear.

"It's okay." Addison said, trying to smile, "I'm sorry for snapping at you like that."

"Don't apologize, you're upset. It's understandable." Derek said and pushed her towards him for another hug.

She held him close and kissed his bare shoulder, "I just wish I could have been there."

"I know." He nodded slowly.

Addison pulled away from his embrace, "I need to get out of this blouse, care to help?"

He gestured for her to put her arms up and helped her out of it. After she took it off, she went into their bedroom, had a warm bath and dried her hair. Derek went inside his bedroom after forty minutes since her arrival and found her on bed, wearing pajamas and staring at the ceiling in bed.

Derek put on some pajamas and took the envelope and bracelet from his suitcase, he walked slowly towards her, who was still looking at the ceiling. "Vivian wanted me to give you this." He said, sitting on the edge of the bed, catching her attention with those words.

She sat up slowly and took the envelope and plastic bag from his hands. "I'll be in the kitchen." Derek said, leaving her in there to read what her mentor had written for her and what she had left for her.

Slowly she opened the envelope and her eyes caught what she knew it was Vivian's handwriting. She was the only doctor she ever met that had proper handwriting, not a sloppy sort of handwriting.

.

"Dear Addison,

I'm sorry for forcing your husband to hide this from you, I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance to say goodbye, but I thought at least I'd say goodbye. I was never a family kind of person, but I know you were mine somehow. I'm proud and content to know that I leave something behind that's not just knowledge on the medical field; I taught you things, I saw you grow into the brave young woman you are. Even if you got the poison oak down there, even if you still get too attached to patients, I know that's what makes you you. And I'm proud of you. Don't miss me! Well… you can miss me a little.

Thank you dear, for being such a big part of my life and career, you'll never be forgotten and I'm forever grateful to be your mentor and your co-worker. The bag has my bracelet. I never told you what it meant because I knew I would give it to you in a special occasion.

'Facere quod facit beatus' means 'Do what brings you joy'.

Do what brings you joy, dear. Follow your heart when your mind gets stubborn.

Forgive Derek, he was just trying to help, and he accidentally told me you're expecting a baby, which I'm deeply happy to hear. I know you two will do an amazing job and that kid will be gorgeous, hopefully it has your strength and your skills in the OR.

I loved you with every fiber of my heart, and will keep doing it converted in corps.

Love,

Vivian Carlsmith

.

Addison let the tears flow down her cheeks and caressed her low stomach, feeling deeply thankful of what Vivian had written, and feeling a little annoyed by Derek sharing the story of the poison oak, which was not something she wanted to be reminded of. She laughed out loud, thinking Vivian would have had a blast hearing about that incident.

She opened the bag slowly and met the gold bracelet she had always wondered what it said. Her smile grew wider as she put it on and looked down at it, thinking about the powerful message it had. She took a deep breath and muttered: "Oh, Vivian."

…..

Addison calmed down and went into the living room, where her handsome husband was playing with Doc's ears. "Hey." She said softly, sitting next to him.

"Hey." Derek said softly, now paying attention to his wife, "Are you alright?"

"I will be." She nodded slightly and got closer to him. She had puffy eyes, so it was evident she had been crying.

Derek got closer as well and let her rest against him.

"Derek…"

"Hm?"

"Can you please cook me some waffles?" She asked, kissing the side of his neck.

He had to chuckle, "Waffles, huh?"

"I'm eleven weeks pregnant, I have my cravings. Cook for me or I'll start whining."

"Addison…"

"And add blueberries to the mix." Addison demanded.

Derek chuckled again at her cuteness and determination on making him cook, so he stood up slowly and went into the kitchen to start cooking. Addison followed him and sat down to stare at her cooked around. "So… are you going to tell me about your crappy week?"

She looked away, "I don't know."

"I won't murder Mark if he's the issue. I might vandalize his car, but nothing else." He joked, looking at her.

She looked his way and smiled softly at him, "Fine. It was just… a crappy week." Addison sighed, "Mark always following me around, trying to act flirty or something, and then there were these cases that were just too sad. I had to keep Mark from performing plastic surgery on a pregnant patient yesterday and it was overwhelming. I don't know… It was just a crappy week and you weren't here. And I missed you. And you missed the ultrasound and I just… It was a crappy week."

Derek looked at her with a sad smile on his lips and walked closer to her, wrapping his arms around her, "I'm sorry honey."

She just let him hold her for a while and then pulled away, "Our little fella looked amazing, by the way. Its developing as it should and I even saw it kick! I mean I didn't feel it but I saw it." Her smile grew wider as she kept talking about their baby.

His smile grew wider as well, "I can't believe I missed that!"

"It's alright, you'll see the next." She said, cupping his jaw, "Now, cook!"

He did as told and kept asking questions about their unborn baby.

After he had fed his beautiful wife and unborn child, not to mention himself, he proceeded to do the dishes while Addison ate the rest of the blueberries. Derek couldn't help but chuckle at her increased appetite.

"Don't judge me. You did this to me." She said sharply, filling her mouth with blueberries. "It's not funny." She said in between bites.

He shook his head, smiling charmly at his wife and kissed her fully on the lips, she had to push him away. "You didn't like that?" He questioned.

"I did. I… I want more of that. But blueberries come first."

/

"Do blueberries still come first?" He asked as he laid her gently on their bed.

She chuckled and nodded her head no, grabbing him by the back of his head, kissing him deeply. He found himself gasping for air, "Addison…" He breathed as she started kissing down his neck to his exposed chest.

She chuckled lightly as she kept on kissing his skin, "This is your payment for a week on no sex." She whispered against his ear. "And I'm horny which is also your fault."

He shut her up kissing her incorporating his tongue before she could keep on talking. As things started to get more heaten up, the phone rang.

"Dammit!" She exclaimed, getting off of him and grabbing the phone, "Doctor Addison Shepherd."

"It's Carla Applewhite. It doesn't look good." Meredith Grey said on the phone.

"Doctor Grey? What's going on?"

"The baby is in distress and nurses are having a hard time keeping her without moving… we- we don't know what to do." The intern said.

Addison sighed, "I'll be there in ten."

She hung up the phone and turned to Derek, "Burned patient, baby's in distress…"

"I'll go with you."

"No, you stay." She asked him as she started putting on clothes the fastest she could.

"Why?"

"Because you will be a reminder that we didn't have sex and that will make me want to pin you against a wall, alright? Just stay. I'll be fine. I'll call you." Addison said.

Derek nodded, "Okay, take care."

/

It had been a long and rough night, disgusting and exhausting one as well. There she was, sitting on a supply closet being held by someone she never imagined she'd let hold her. He kept running a hand through her hair and try to calm her down, she was clearly upset and tired.

"Addison, you need to go talk to the husband." Mark encouraged for the fourth time now.

She nodded her head no and shut her eyes, "I can't. I can't! God, I feel awful."

He squeezed her shoulder showing support, "I'll go, it's my fault anyway."

"I'm not arguing against that and you know it." She said, her voice firm.

"Hey, I hate you too but at least I act decent about it."

"Just shut up." Addison snapped, running a hand through her own hair, still resting against Mark's body.

"I'll tell the chief it was my fault." He said.

She nodded her head no, "Richard won't give a damn, whether you operated or not, he'll be furious at me for not keeping an eye on your stubborn ass."

"At least I didn't run away. Plus I offered you a shoulder to cry on."

"I know, I'm sorry. It's just… I'm… I'm not okay Mark. You are an asshole on a daily basis…"

"Wow, thanks for that."

"...And I couldn't see Derek all week, my hormones are diabolic, Vivian is dead, I'm getting fat. I'm just, I'm tired." Addison let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding and allowed her head to fall even freer on Mark's shoulder.

"Derek's aunt died?!"

"No, no. Vivian Carlsmith died. Derek never went to Boston, he went to New York to help Vivian."

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that."

"I hate this." Addison sighed heavily, "Worst of all you're nice to me after all that I've done to you, how?" She said, pushing herself off of him to make eye contact.

He shrugged, "I guess I'm lonely over here. I miss you guys and even if you aborted my baby and Derek wants to murder me, I don't want to leave this place."

"About that… I… I never aborted." She said, looking down at her hands.

"Are you saying this one is…" He pointed at her flat stomach.

She hit his hand, "No! God, no. Are you really a surgeon?!"

"Then how come?"

"I lost your baby. I suddenly just bled and I had lost it." She said slowly and with a sweeter tone, looking into his eyes that started filling with sadness.

"Addison."

"I didn't tell you because I guess I had prefer you would hate me forever than for you to feel sorry for me and help me with recovery, but I never loved you like you did love me. I thought I was in love but I was in love with the idea of not being left alone."

"You should have told me."

"I couldn't."

"Is your baby okay though? I mean, this one. If you had a miscarriage maybe your womb…"

She smiled a little at the mention of her growing unborn child, "This one is fine. It's more than fine. Mark, please know I didn't want to hurt you. I shouldn't have let you kiss me that night and I shouldn't have done anything or allowed anything of it to happen. I'm truly sorry for breaking your relationship with Derek." Addison said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"You didn't break anything, Red. He did. He didn't show up for both of us and I ended up falling for you when you were down. I should be the one asking for forgiveness, not you."

She nodded slightly and started to stand up, "Thanks for the chat. I'll go talk to Katie's husband."

"I'll go with you." He offered.

She shook her head no, "No. It's my responsibility."

Addison left Mark alone in there and went to tell Katie's husband, Gavin, about all that had happened and why her wife had died. Gavin was upset and cried and yelled but eventually gave in and let Addison guide him to meet his son.

After explaining Richard what had happened she made her way to the attendings locker room. He called their apartment's number and waited for her husband to pick up, his sleepy tired voice responded with a "Doctor Derek Shepherd."

"Hey, it's me." Addison said, playing with her rings on her left hand.

"Hi. Did something happen?" He asked, the worry evident behind the exhaustion.

"No, no. I just needed to hear your voice. Sorry if I woke you up."

"You didn't."

She had to half scoff- half chuckle, "We both know I did."

"Fine you did."

"I just finished surgery. I'll be home soon."

"Good. It's never a good sleep without you in bed next to me."

Addison chuckled, a smile growing on her lips, "Oh shut up, romantic. I love you. See you."

"I love you too." He said.

Addison hung up the call and tossed her phone into her locker.

/

She opened the door to her apartment and ignored the look Derek gave her when her exhausted and reddish eyes walked into the apartment. Addison locked the door, she let all her belongings fall into the floor not giving a damn, and walked towards her husband, that was eating a sandwich.

Addison sighed and smiled softly at his confused and worried look and then wrapped her arms around his neck, bringing him closer. She embraced him and started sobbing on his shoulder. Derek not understanding what was the matter, slowly wrapped his arms around her and held her while she cried.

"Addie…"

"Just hold me." She said as she snuggled her head closer to the curve of his neck and shoulder, shutting her eyes as the tears kept falling.

So he just stood there, still holding his half eaten sandwich and also holding an overwhelmed redhead that seemed to never let go of him.

….

review?