It Was Never Supposed To Be Like This (one shot)
A/N: Hello everyone! I decided to write another quick Blacklist fanfic (if any of you have read my fanfics you know that I'm a huge Keenler shipper... also, can we talk about THAT KISS! I SQUEALED), as I can't write enough about these two, and of course I had to do one with some alternate ideas as to how it could have gone in 8x02, especially with that scene with Ressler and Liz talking in the car! I felt like there was a lot more that needed to be said, so I wanted to do my own little alternate version. Hope you enjoy! I know I had a lot of fun writing this!
Ressler was all but holding his breath when Liz opened the door to his signature black FBI Cadillac, his calm demeanor that he'd been trying to maintain already slipping when she slid into the seat beside him, the scent of her overwhelmingly familiar perfume clouding his senses as she closed the door again and sighed.
Neither of them seemed to know what to say, both sitting there in silence as they tried to figure out what to say. But then again, what was there to say? There was so much that had happened between them, so many things that needed to be addressed and brought to light, but neither of them wanted to bring it forth.
It would make the undeniable shift in their relationship that, if they were being quite frank, had been bound to happen for a while now all to real. All too frightening. All too possible.
And, for some reason, even though both of them had seen it coming to some degree, it had still caught them off guard. And neither of them liked it. They didn't like it all, the possibility of not being in control, of having their emotions rule supreme and run rampant without them having any say otherwise. Ressler knew that he hated it the most.
His blood was still boiling over what Reddington had said earlier, how he'd accused him of being blindsided and being played by Liz and how he'd wanted to "cop a feel off of her." How arrogant he was to say that. How bold was probably the better term. The thing that bothered him the most, however, was how he was beginning to think that Reddington was right. That Liz had always made him put his guard down, that he'd been too vulnerable, that he'd let her play him and toss him around like a rag doll if only it would mean that she would kiss him like that again, that she would eventually give way and begin to love him like he'd loved her all of these years.
He knew it was a fool's hope...and he knew that he was being foolish.
And he absolutely could not stand the fact that Reddington had been right after all.
Sucking in a breath and trying to calm his raging anger so he could speak civilly to Liz, Ressler finally turned in his chair, not entirely trusting himself to speak as he said,
"Keen, I-"
"Don't say it," Liz fired back almost as soon as her name had left his mouth. The words hung in the air between them, sharp and cold, and Ressler knew that he should listen to her, that he shouldn't open up that Pandora box of suppressed feelings and complicated entanglings that neither of them needed to sort through right now, but he couldnt help himself.
"Don't say what, exactly?" he spat, nearly sounding desperate as he rose out of his seat.
"Of the ten thousand things I should say-" Liz cut him off yet again, her voice now beginning to break as she spoke up again.
"Ressler, please, just don't," she said, looking away and out the window as he watched her take in a rattling breath.
"I need to ask for your help, but I won't be able to focus and I won't be able to be composed if you keep on trying to bring up everything that's happened-"
"Well, it needs to be addressed, Liz!" Ressler all but shouted, cutting her off this time as his anger got the better of him.
"And you know that it does. You can't just keep on doing this. You can't keep on abandoning the task force, you can't keep on abandoning Reddington, you can't keep on abandoning Agnes, and you certainly can't abandon me. I've lost you enough times over the years that I'm not going to let it happen again." Liz finally went quiet, her eyes beginning to come misty as she stared at Ressler, unsure of what to say.
He must've seen the tears swimming there, because he took in a deep breath, sighing before sitting back in his chair.
"Liz...I've known you for seven years. So has Aram and Cooper. You want so badly to find out the secrets and betrayal lying around your family...but what you don't realize is that you've already got a family. With us. And we've proved time and time again that no matter how many times you push us away, no matter how many times you try to let go... we're always going to get you back, and we're always going to forgive you because that's what a family does. We care for each other. We fight for each other. And don't doubt for a second that we care the most about you."
Liz felt herself choke up as more tears came to her eyes, as emotion overcame her and she thought about Ressler's moving words. She knew that he was right. She knew that he was speaking the truth, that he had hit far closer to home than he realized...but she was too scared to grab that fistful of hope he extended to her. She was too scared that it would end up in destruction, that it would blow her life apart like it had done every other time she'd tried to believe things could be peaceful, things could be safe. She was too scared...and so she'd instead chosen the path she'd chosen every other time, shoving the people that she cared the most deeply about away so that they wouldn't get hurt, so that they wouldn't inevitably feel the cataclysmic blast that would erupt from her life and damage their own if she wasn't careful.
She began to sob, tears leaking down her cheeks as she felt a deep ache open up inside of her. She wanted so, so badly to go back with Ressler...to leave Katarina and Reddington and everything behind, to be back with the task force. But she couldn't bring herself to do it.
So she sobbed instead, leaving Ressler to reach out and grab her arm as she continued to break down, her emotions too much and too real and bubbling too far over the rim that she couldn't bring herself back.
"Liz..." Ressler said softly, his hand running up and down her arm as she continued to sob.
"I'm sorry, Ressler," she finally breathed, her voice shaky and thick with tears.
"I'm sorry that I had to put you in this position, that I kissed you to get your gun, that I've left all of you at the task force behind, that I've hurt you all so much.." she trailed off, and Ressler felt his heart squeeze as he stared at her. There was such pain in her gaze...and such sorrow that always seemed to linger there, even when she tried to hide it behind a bout of laughter or a bright smile.
So he let a small, sad smile cross his face before he reached out, pulling her into a semi-awkward hug as he tried to hold her over the console, Liz's cries slowly quieting as he held her in his arms like he'd done so many times before, his comforting presence instantly quashing her sorrows and worries as she clung onto him. How many more times was he going to have to hold her, put her back together before she'd finally be able to hold herself on her own two feet. The thought suddenly made her choke up again.
"I'm sorry," she sobbed again, and Ressler just exhaled, pulling her closer as he rubbed her back, wishing that, if it were possible, he could take all of her pain away.
"You have nothing to apologize for, Liz," he whispered softly.
"I'll always be here for you, no matter what."
They stayed like that for a long while, neither of them suddenly wanting to let go from the newfound contact. Liz wanted to stay there, she honestly did, but she knew that she shouldn't stay in his arms too long, in that tantalizing place of comfort and safety, so she eventually withdrew from him, letting her hands linger a little longer before finally pulling away, wiping her eyes as she did so.
"Sorry that I got so emotional there," she said, taking a breath.
"I should finally probably tell you why I came here," she said, and Ressler gave her a quiet, understanding smile, looking as if he had so much more to say, but knew that it wasn't the right time.
"Sure," he said, settling back into his seat as he prepared to hear why she'd come looking for him, why she'd sought him out. If he was being honest, he really had wanted to know.
So she told him. She told him about Dom, how she'd tried getting him to talk, how he'd been having more seizures, how she needed more medical help. He'd listened intently, weighing her every word, thinking about what he could do.
And he felt like the worst person in the world when he told her that he'd do anything for her if he could, that he truly wished he could, but that he could do this for her; he couldn't help her out.
She didn't react in any way that he thought she would, however, when she merely gave him a small smile, that indescribable sadness flickering across her gaze for a moment before she quickly hid it again, saying that although it was unfortunate, she understood all the same. That she knew that he would do anything for her, if given the chance. He knew that she was disappointed, frustrated, even, but he admired her resilience all the same as she put on a brave face in front of him, hiding those feelings for later.
And so, their meeting having served its purpose, and knowing that they'd both probably been gone from their respective sides for too long, and knowing that they needed to get back, they gave a final goodbye, Liz sweeping out the same way she'd come in and making her way back to her car.
As they drove away, however, both of them couldn't help thinking how much had begun to culminate between the partners, how much had begun to grow and transpire even more so than before. And, while they knew that it could potentially be dangerous, hard, even frustrating, they also knew that it was a long road that would most likely have more rewards than not along the way.
And so, with that knowledge, the two partners left with a tiny shred of hope, and waited patiently for their feelings between each other to finally blossom.
A/N: Sorry, I probably should've mentioned that this is a bit AU, i just decided to leave Reddington following them and everything out of it :)