B.L.A. the Mouse - Finally, I know! Well, there are… turbulent waters ahead indeed. Yay sympathy for the characters! It's nice to hear they're engaging some emotion.

-o-

"You have no factual basis for these conjectures, do you?"

"Of course not," Beka replied with a rehearsed air of indifference. "It's a lot harder to trace the path of the rumor if you don't know where the information came from; I prefer it that way."

Darjella gave a short laugh and eyed Beka carefully. "So Elsbett doesn't know who to sue for defamation of character when she hears that she's actually been training her whole life to destroy her fiance's home planet the day of their nuptials."

"If by sue you mean brutally murder, then yes, that's exactly what I mean." Beka took a sip of her icy drink and let her gaze wander out to the hellish landscape that stretched out beyond the restaurant's picture windows made of scratch-proof plastic a foot thick.

Some people had the strangest ideas about luxury; for the owner and patrons of Hell, it was an exclusive eatery built on a molten planet where diners could look out over the toxic lava flows that boiled over every inch of the world's surface except the adamant platform that made the restaurant's foundation. Naturally, the chefs specialized in cold foods – cold drinks, cold soup, cold desserts, cold salads. Beka had considered asking about cold cereal but decided against it.

"It's a sentiment I can appreciate," Darjella replied. She did not look to have aged a day from when Beka had first met her; she was eternal, a force of nature. "But surely there must be some reason you're spreading such inflammatory gossip."

Beka shrugged. "Like you said, it's conjecture. The two prides have been at war since before either of them were born, and it's a little hard to believe that the Sabra would suddenly decide to capitulate to the treaty Charlemagne proposed. Elsbett's sister is married to a Dragan general, and the only thing that's accomplished is to humiliate her family."

More than once it had occurred to Beka that if the Sabra were led by reasonable people, they would agree to Charlemagne's proposed alliance. The long-standing hostility between the two prides had served to demolish Sabra forces and make a significant dent in Jaguar's vast resources. A truce would be the most practical action for everybody, but she had dealt with enough Sabra Nietzscheans in her time that she would not be surprised if the rumor she was trying to start turned out to have some degree of truth. Maybe not that Elsbett was actually planning to call a nova attack on the Jaguar system the day of her wedding, but Beka would be very surprised if Elsbett was not planning to wreak a little vengeance with this opportunity.

"But most importantly," she continued, "you know I've sold novas from the Path to allies of the Sabra and of the ruling family in particular. You know they could do it."

Darjella nodded slowly and glanced at the desolate planet outside. "Nietzscheans don't engage in self-sacrifice very often, but when they do, they make it flashy. Lose a First Daughter and her retinue to gain the destruction of their chief rival? I imagine that the math could be very palatable to the Sabras."

A moment of silence descended as a waiter arrived with their main courses. The food was very good, but Beka would rather have had a bowl of steaming hot chili than this cool blue bisque. Growing up, hot food had always been something to look forward to.

After a few bites, Darjella looked up with a small grin on her face. "And it certainly wouldn't hurt either of us if the two prides remained at each other's throats."

"The idea did occur to me," Beka answered with complete honesty.

-o-

Sitting in the mess one day, toasting a muffin and sipping tea Trance had turned her on to, Beka reflected that a good deal of the important conversations in her life occurred during meal times. Maybe people were more amenable when they were eating, or maybe they just liked having something to do with their hands, somewhere to rest their gaze if the exchange got a little too intense.

When Trance walked in a few minutes after Beka had entered, two thoughts struck her. First, that it was unusual that they two of them should be alone here, together – Beka without Tyr and Trance without Harper. Tyr was paid to guard Beka, and Harper seemed to have taken it upon himself to do the same for Trance, gratis. The second thought was that this was going to be another one of those meals as an excuse for a conversation, though there was nothing obvious in Trance's demeanor to suggest that she had anything of the sort in mind.

"Good morning, Beka!" Trance cried cheerfully. "Ooh, do we have any of those muffins left?"

"Take as many as you like," Beka replied. "I think everyone else aboard is too worried about their figures to enjoy 'em."

Taking her captain at her word, Trance took as many as she could fit in her two hands and brought them over to the table where Beka sat, dumping them with glee to roll about on the flat top. "Too bad for them," she said, already mysteriously having finished half a muffin. "But good for us."

"I couldn't agree more." Well, now that they were alone together, Beka thought she might as well get to whatever it was she thought they were supposed to be talking about. "You and Harper have been on this ship for, what, a month now?"

Trance nodded, surreptitiously wiping crumbs from her fingertips on her velvet catsuit. "Five weeks tomorrow."

"And, um, how are you feeling?" The toaster dinged, and Beka got up to rummage around for a plate. She flipped the muffin halves on the plate, almost burning her hand in the process, and returned to the table.

"Good," Trance answered somewhat unhelpfully. "Harper's having a lot of fun." She smiled. "I think he used to dream about ships like this."

Beka laughed. "Great, glad to hear it. Are you having fun?"

The thoughtful expression on Trance's face worried her a little. This silence was a surprising departure from her usual exuberance. "I'm glad we came." The laconic reply was so out of character for Trance that Beka waited for a long moment before she realized the girl was finished.

"But…?" Trance just sat quietly, but she did not avoid Beka's glance. Quite to the contrary, her eyes locked onto Beka's, more expressive than usual. Beka thought the girl was trying to communicate something to her, but she gave no hint as to what it might be. "Am I going to have to guess what's wrong?" she asked, a touch irritably.

"Well…" Trance said slowly, "it's not that anything's wrong. I mean, not so terribly wrong. But if you think that maybe something's wrong, I think it would be a good idea to talk about it."

Oh, this was Trance's scheme, a shrink session. Well, to be fair, Beka could probably use a little therapy.

"All right," she answered, "I think maybe something is wrong. I mean, but it doesn't have anything to do with you." Her heart pounded inside her suddenly tight chest. She had never spoken about this with anyone; normally she took her concerns to Tyr and occasionally to Darjella, who both tended to give thoughtful counsel. But Tyr was one of those worries, and she would feel silly taking this particular problem to her mentor.

"Uh…" she swallowed. Dammit, she felt ridiculous. She had not had such a hard time with words since she asked Sean Wil to dance at the Salvage Guild's Debutante Ball. And look where that had ended up. "Maybe it does have something to do with you. No offense. But you must have noticed that things have been… tense since you and Harper came on board."

Trance's eyes were wide as she stopped chewing in the middle of bite. "Mmf?" She swallowed. "I meant, I thought it was always like that. I thought that's what you wanted to talk about. You know, the stress of the job, and…" Her forehead wrinkled in puzzlement. "You don't want to quit? Go back to the old life, the little guy, just you and your ship and a loyal crew?"

Beka gaped. "I… quit?" Her mouth snapped close after a moment. "No, I… that's not…" She paused and took a deliberate breath. "Yes, I've thought about it, but I don't think I can leave. Even if Darjella and the rest let me just walk away, I'm not sure that I could. I've gotten used to all this."

She made a sweeping gesture, taking in the whole of the Shining Path. "Clean linens, fresh coffee… small to medium dictators kissing my ass so I won't crush their fleets." She sighed. "Even the stuff I've tried to keep you away from. Revenge. When I was the little guy, I had to just take it, you know, from anyone bigger than me, and I felt too guilty to take my anger out on the littler fish. I don't think I can do that again, swallow that shit with a smile." Her face twisted in a grimace. "Please, sir, can I have some more?" she said in a high, mincing voice.

She found Trance staring at her with a shocked and almost… frightened expression on her face. Great, she was scaring Trance.

"Um…" the girl stammered, "if that's… if that's not what you wanted to… to talk about, then what?"

"Oh." Beka collected her thoughts again. "Right. Well, it's Tyr. I'm kinda afraid that he's… Okay, I know he's sincere about…" She stopped again. "I started you telling you that things have been a little on edge since you and Harper came. The rest of my crew thinks you two're making me soft, and I don't have to tell you how dangerous that is. Well, of course Tyr's noticed, and of course he's sworn as always to…" she chuckled. "Uphold my honor and all the rest."

"But…?" Trance supplied.

"But if there's ever been the perfect time for him to try and take things over, this is it. I mean, he hasn't exactly made it a secret that he has certain ambitions, and it doesn't take a genius to see that this could be the perfect vessel for advancing his agenda." She picked at her muffin and sighed again. That wasn't even all of it.

Apparently, Trance picked up on what she had left unsaid. "And?"

Beka looked up from her breakfast. "And what? Isn't that enough? I'm afraid my first officer slash bodyguard slash boyfriend is thinking of betraying and probably killing me in his quest for galactic dominion." Ease up on the defensive, she thought. She had no reason to doubt Tyr and me.

But she had her head tilted and was smiling a little quizzically. "And?"

Beka made an exasperated noise and threw her hands up. "And… that's it!" Trance just continued looking at her like that, amused and annoyingly indulgent. She looked like a teacher confronted with a young child's wild flights of fancy and wide-eyed innocence, making up excuses for something mildly naughty but not really destructive.

"Fine!" she cried in defeat, burying her head in her hands and getting muffin crumbs in her hair as her elbow jostled her tea. "Privacy mode." Though the ship did not have a fully-functioning AI, Harper had fixed up a primitive automated response system. The computer replied that privacy mode had been engaged, and Beka settled in to tell Trance a story.

-o-

After several long minutes, Beka finished her monologue and swallowed the rest of her tea in one gulp.

"So you're afraid that you're falling in love with him?"

Finally, someone had said it aloud. It had been scary, opening up like that, but it was a relief. Beka nodded.

"But you don't want him to know."

"Right again."

"So… you're pretending that you're not in love him, pretending that you are."

"It's exhausting."

Trance looked thoughtful. "But you're still determined to stay here."

"We went over this already. I have to." She tried to think of a way to restate her position in a way Trance might understand better, but her wrist unit beeped at her, startling her out of her reverie. "Dammit, I have to go." She pushed herself to her feet and gave the girl a smile. "Thanks for listening. And for not giving advice. Believe me, I get enough of that from everyone else on this boat."