Hey, all! Nothing new to report here. For those who've stuck out with the story so far, thanks! I know a lot of you might have been turned off from the way the story has progressed so far, but I hope that you keep going. I think I can take this thing in an interesting direction that isn't explored too often in this kind of tale.
Chapter 5
My name is Uzumaki Naruto. Things have been going pretty good for me lately, if I must say so myself. My professional life these days isn't that exciting, though I suppose I should count that as a blessing. Bored shinobi mean that there isn't that much fighting going on out in the world at large. Don't get me wrong, I like a good fight every now and then, if only to blow off some steam, but that doesn't mean I ever really want to hurt anyone who doesn't have it coming. It would be cocky of me to say that I was the strongest fighter in the nation, but the truth is that there were maybe five or six people that I would give even odds to take me down after the war was done with, and I was friends with most of them.
Thinking back on what's been called the Fourth Shinobi World War (which was, in my opinion, a strange way to describe a conflict with terrorists, reanimated dead, and the precursor of all chakra on our world) and all that we lost there, I feel fortunate that the peace that was gained wasn't in vain. I lost friends in those few hectic days of combat, that much is true, but I made so many new ones too. Even now, we were all still dealing with the aftermath of the fight, but a path to lasting peace was laid down in front of us on the graves of the ones who couldn't be there to walk it.
It wouldn't be wrong to say that a life of peace and boredom was something that I was anticipating once I'd grown up a bit. Oh, I always knew that there would be something around the corner to keep my edge sharp. If it's not one wannabe warlord, or somebody with a little talent and a god complex, or disgruntled shinobi with a chip on his shoulder wanting to start trouble... point being, I've seen a thing or two over the years.
But nothing could have prepared me for what I was in store for when I woke up that morning.
I was the first to awaken, of course. Getting drunk isn't that hard for me, but staying drunk is the trick. One of the downsides of an accelerated healing factor is that alcohol doesn't affect me for half as long as normal people. I can go drink for drink with the best of them and usually not have a hangover the next day, which is a life saver after parties when there's work to be done.
Put me in front of a three thousand year old monster that wants to devour the souls of everybody within a hundred miles? Piece of cake. I did that twice last year.
Give me two ladies with a boss summon-sized hangover? I'd rather deal with the monsters.
When I woke up, I wasn't exactly bright-eyed and bushy-tailed; I had to race like a piss horse, and I desperately needed a glass of water. The rising sun didn't hit the windows of my apartment, which was a small blessing that I was often thankful for, but it was obvious that the day was beginning in earnest. As I roused myself, I was confused by a lot of things.
First of all, why was I on the couch?
Second of all, I pondered, what exactly happened last night? See, here's the thing: Just because I don't stay drunk for as long as others do, I can get drunk as quickly as anybody else. I just happen to be able to hold my liquor better for longer than most. The illusion of lucidity and responsibility, as Ino had once put it after a late-night karaoke binge with her and some others, easily hid the fact that when I drink, I tend to keep going longer than I should. On the flip side, I also tend to get the bottle out when I'm in a stressful situation.
Part of me always wondered if I had subconsciously picked that up from Jiraiya.
As I took stock of my surroundings while sitting up, I noticed all the dishes and debris scattered in equal parts on the kotetsu and floor. The remains of a hotpot with servings for three could be seen, and the sake...
How many bottles did we go through last night? I wondered in silent horror. Wait... we? I remembered, I was sure of it, that Sakura and I had... Oh. And Hinata.
I had to sit down as the world spun and I remembered more and more from the previous night of merriment. Hinata had come over while Sakura was here already, she'd left... Sakura had come back after making some rather interesting insinuations. I cooked, we curled up and watched horror movies. Everybody got drunk.
Everybody got real drunk. Too drunk to go home. What next? Where did they go...? No. Oh hell no. I kissed her. Them. Both of them. Did I?
Was that all I did?
Nononono, this was not happening. Flickering memories came back to me bit by bit as I pieced the night's hours together. If I was on the couch, and they hadn't gone home, then where-
Oh. They were in my bed. Two of the most beautiful women I'd ever known were currently sleeping in my bed. And I was on the couch.
Sober me from last night had certainly set things up for drunk me to straight up irritate mildly-hungover me, all right.
The clock on the wall told me that it was just shy of 8 o'clock in the morning, which wasn't that far off from when I usually woke up. One of the lesser-known benefits of being one of the village's big sticks is that while my services are definitely appreciated in the field of combat, I'll be the first to admit that fighting is my only real specialty. I'd say that I'm a master of stealth if I had to pick any of the big categories, but besides that, I always let the experts and veterans figure out the game plan. Kakashi-sensei tells me to go smash, Uzumaki goes smash. I'm as much of a monster as Kurama, frankly, and you don't set a monster on small fry.
All that said, I have more personal free time than is average. For every day on the job, I tend to have a day to myself, which suits me just fine. But what that meant, to me, was that I had at least a day to go before something official could come save me from the mess I had gotten myself in.
I cradled my face in my hands while I tried to focus. "Okay," I muttered. "First things first." My main bathroom was in my bedroom, but... the ladies were still asleep. I needed to head to the half-bath on the other side of the apartment to avoid that awkward morning-after. A long, satisfying piss later, and I had a couple clones quietly cleaning up and starting on breakfast while I sat down and panicked.
I did some constructive, soul-searching, problem-solving panic for ten solid minutes. OhmygodwhatdidIdoIcan'trememberwhathappenedwhenwewenttobed was the general loop I hit myself with. I remembered most of what happened after we started drinking, but not all. There was no way that things went that way, was there? I don't think there's any amount of peaceful meditation that could have helped me through this situation.
Two ladies. One of whom I was actively dating, if only for the past couple nights. What had my life turned into? Some kind of bad romantic comedy? I had enough of those sitting on my shelf! That damned perv Jiraiya, he must be rolling and laughing in his grave at this!
Breakfast was nearly complete, and would hold until the girls woke up. I had set the clones on autopilot, so I was surprised to smell breakfast omelettes and bacon sizzling when the pleasant aroma began filling the air. Food. Food was the peacemaker, in the heart, in the belly. Food would keep me safe. "Make some coffee, too," I told the clone on kitchen duty. I got the feeling that I would need it in short time.
Soon enough, one of my clones mercifully brought a cup of the holy brew over to me, made black with just the right amount of sugar: a LOT of sugar. I had calmed myself down with about half of it down the pipe when I heard stirring from my bedroom. "Oooh, boy," said the clone who'd just finished cleaning the house and helped finish up the dishes. "Now you're in for it."
"Shut up," the other one said. "Have some empathy."
"Empathy is for when you wanna share the other guy's problems," Clone #1 pointed out. "We ain't gonna exist in a couple minutes."
"Ah, right! In that case, boss: good luck."
"Bah," I muttered, and once I was sure that neither of them had anything in their hands to drop, I dispelled them, a soft pop of smoke wafting and dispersing away. Trust me, you drop one dish and all the dogs in the Inuzuka family compound start barking, you don't do that twice.
Breakfast? Check. Coffee? Check. Girls in my bedroom? Double check. Things would either go well, or they would end in disaster. Either way, I'd have breakfast and coffee ready to go. Should I put some in a thermos in case I'm the one who has to make a quick exit? Not a bad idea, actually...
My hopes of forming a good escape plan were dashed when I heard some rustling coming from my room. The springs in my old bed were creaking, and I heard a muted moan; that would be Sakura's huskier tone. I suppose the sounds of my clones' work had woken her up, along with the welcoming smell of semi-gourmet caffeine. After a few moments the door opened and Sakura came slipping through the threshold, closing it gently behind her.
She took my breath away. Her hair was a complete mess, and bags hung heavily under her eyes. Even from the distance, I could see the crust forming in the corners. She only wore her shirt and panties; her pants were nowhere to be seen. Any pretense of modesty she might have had was out the window when she slumped onto the couch and buried her face in my shoulder.
Goddamn, she was as beautiful as she had ever been. Moreso, maybe. "Morning, sleepyhead," I said quietly with a smug very-not-hungover-smile as I brushed my lips to her hair.
She bopped a loose fist into my gut. "Uggh. Coffee. Gimme." She reached her hand out to my cup; we took it the same way, and I absolutely didn't mind sharing if it meant that she would let me live. She hunched over the brew for several silent moments while sipping at it, slowly filling her belly with the gift of life and cognizance.
I just sat at her side for as long as time would allow. I knew better than most that time was our most precious gift, and the quiet moments, the little slices of life where you just sit back and appreciate what you have, those are the most important ones you can never get back once they're gone.
Even like this, I could feel Sakura's sheer presence at my side. Her body, her muscles like coiled steel rippling beneath her skin, the relief of her bones, it all flowed together and through each other like a beautiful machine. She had curled her legs under her on the couch cushion, but I could imagine in great detail every line from toe to thigh. Sakura, she was not a soft woman. Where some other women might be voluptuous, her body lines tended to be more aqualine, streamlined and taut. She had the curves in all the right places for my taste, of course, but she had a fighter's body to the core. For years now, I'd seen her grow into a fierce warrior strong enough to level mountains, but never before had I really understood, or appreciated, just how beautiful her skin was. How it felt against mine as it moved against towards me. The tremble, shivers of her nervous reactions to the brush of my fingers.
I'd always imagined that if she had a spirit animal, it might be the tiger that we had met in Moon country that one time. Quiet. Patient. Defensive, unrestrained and absolute was her strength. Territorial and protective, unruly and dismissive, Haruno Sakura was the silent beast of Konoha.
Lucky me she was distracted from her hangover by coffee, or the crouching tiger might indeed be the hidden dragon.
"How long you been awake?" she managed to mumble while handing the empty cup back to me. "Also, more."
"Heh. About half an hour. Breakfast is waiting."
I tried to leverage her off of me so I could get a refill for the both of us, but she wrapped her arms around my waist and slumped down with her head in my lap. "No move. Clone. Coffee. You're warm."
"Nope, my legs are getting stiff," I said as I tried to stand. The grip she had would not go unchallenged; she clung to me with remarkable fervor while I rose, her legs floppily bridging the gap to the couch. Bemused more than anything else, I said "You really aren't letting go, are you?"
"Nuh-uh," she affirmed.
"Well, you asked for it," I said, and I scooped her legs up and tossed them over my shoulder. She yelped as I stood, her body hanging over my front and her legs dangling behind.
"Hey!" she said.
"I warned you," I said while adjusting her limp body so that I wouldn't jostle her too much. Coffee mug in my left hand, my right occupied around her own belly, I took my limp package (that's not even close to what I meant, you perverts) into the kitchen with me.
"Fooooood," she groaned when she saw the bacon. "Meaaaaat."
"Oh, I'll give you the meat," I joked.
"Biiiiitch, I'm hungover and hungry. Give me food."
"When Hinata wakes up," I chastised while pouring more coffee. "How about you try to wake up a bit more first?"
"Oh. Okay."
I realized that there might be a problem with the logistics just then: I could carry the coffee one at a time with her, or drop her off and return to collect. Trying all of it at once would just be a recipe for disaster. I opted for the latter strategy; today was not the day to try pushing my luck. "Gonna need to drop you now," I told her when I went back to the living room. "Can't drink coffee when you're looking like a sack of potatoes on my shoulder."
"I can try," she mumbled into my chest.
"Nope," I said. Try as I might, I couldn't get her to dislodge without force. If I tried to slide her forward, but her legs and ankles would pinch around my abs. Similar to my efforts to the side, backwards, nothing I could do would get her off of me! Before I knew it, she had somehow twisted around so that her legs were on my front and her body was hanging off my back.
I realized that I was going to have to resort to drastic measures. "Sakura, I don't want to do this," I warned her. "Don't make me use forbidden techniques." I placed my fingers on each side of her rib cage behind my head and felt her body tense.
"You wouldn't dare," she said, the threat evident in her tone.
"I'm not afraid to die," I told her. "Don't make me do this."
"If you tickle me, do it with the knowledge that I'm in prime dick-punching range, and you won't get treated at the hospital if I tell them not to."
I very carefully removed my hands. "Seems we're at a stalemate, then."
"Yup. And yet, I dangle."
"And yet you dangle. I guess I'll have to use my other ultimate move."
"What're you- Hey!" I gripped her tightly with my left arm, and slowly brought my right hand into the air above my head. "Don't. Don't you dare."
"The ass that perches upon my shoulder," I said gravely, "is one that desires to be clapped."
"Don't you do it!" she shrieked. "If you do, I'll knock you through the wall!"
"You made your choice!" I replied. I tensed up my fingers; the perfect ass slap has more to do with form than force, after all, and the technique was all in the wrist. If I was going to get maximum reverb, I would have to strike on point.
"Your sweet spot... is MINE."
"I'm warning you, furface," she threatened, "it will be the last bad idea you ever have."
"Heh, heh, heh," I intoned. "I am the number 1 king of bad ideas."
Before she could counterattack, I swung my hand down toward her ass, fully intent on making Sakura pay for her insolence. The millisecond before I spanked her, the door to my bedroom opened. Just a crack. Just enough that the latch clicked off of the doorjam.
Oh shit. For a moment there, I had forgotten that we weren't alone. "Oh. Uh, hey, Hinata," I said with a nervous smile. "Um. This isn't what it looks like."
It was definitely, assuredly, exactly what it looked like.
Sakura swung a bit to the side, as while I was facing the door itself, my lower back was blocking her view. I glanced down at her swinging hair, and she had an upside down grin on while she waved. "Morning, Hinata," she said much more cheerfully than me. Must have been the coffee. "This is exactly what it looks like." It was just then that I realized that the shirt she'd come over with last night had fallen to her shoulders, and she wasn't wearing anything underneath it.
Down, morning boner.
She lightly clapped me on the thigh. "I give up, put me down," she said. "Gently." I set her back on her feet and nervously rubbed the back of my head. "More coffee," Sakura instructed me. "And get breakfast ready. I, uh, think I need to help Hinata find her clothes."
"Bwa?"
"I'll explain later," she said dismissively. She left me to prepare in the kitchen; what a life I lead, when I'm bent over backwards in my own home, and I'm not even married. If this was a portent of things to come, I didn't think I would mind in the slightest.
Oh, there's always this fantasy that men have when they think about their ideal home life; there's always a girl, one who would have dinner ready for them when they get home. The kids are always in bed on time, washed and cleaned from head to toe. The toys are always put away, or at least kept in the children's bedrooms, and the household chores that keep life running on the day to day seem to get done without a word said about it. The bills get paid, the lights stay on, and a roof over the head of the family is the most important part, of course. Think of the children.
But we were shinobi. Any of us who ever expected that kind of life was a fool. Our world isn't some static, ideal fiction. Cold realities crept up and harried at us every time we were expecting a fight. Life itself, the next day, is not a comfortable guarantee. We're soldiers; we're warriors. We live in a world where allegiance is a courtesy, where lives are bought and sold, and our services, appreciated, but taken for granted.
That was why so many shinobi had formed clans over the many years of our existence; take the Akamichi, for example. There was always strength in numbers, especially when the individuals of those numbered had the strength to defend their homes, their families, their clan. When fathers and mothers and elder sisters and brothers went out to battle, there was always somebody left behind to watch over the young ones, to preserve them and help them grow into strong warriors should the worst happen. Belonging to a clan meant that you were always among family, even if that family was not all united by blood. Hell, there were several second or third generation Akamichi who weren't even linked by blood to each other, but held together by clan teachings, ideals, and most importantly, the iron-clad bonds of the idea of the clan.
However, many shinobi who are not in any of the clans, their- our lives are often so much worse. When a father and a mother die, there is little left for the child to do but be lucky enough to have somebody watch over them until they can strike out on their own. I knew that better than most. I thought about it still more than anybody would believe.
Family. Children. Parents. The most precious things that can be taken from you without consent are not possessions, but those you are born with.
We shinobi are kings of the world, and its humble servants. We exist because we exist. We balance against others of our kind, scrapping for power and influence and jobs like starving wolves. The work isn't bad, but sometimes it can be ugly. I can understand the mindset of the man who believes that a home is a bastion of safety, where things run according to his will. The breadwinner is the king of his castle, after all.
I understand those men. But that doesn't mean I have to respect them.
We were in my home, but at the moment? Sakura was in charge. I was content to play my role, as always I had. There were things that I was meant to deal with, and there are a multitude of which I am helpless to solve. Did I have questions? Of course I did. Any man in this situation would. But if there was one thing that I learned from Jiraiya and Kakashi about women, it's that when they don't answer questions, it's best not to push for answers.
"Okay," I said as she slipped into my room, careful to not let me accidentally get a glimpse inside. "I'll just be out here..." I looked around myself. "In my house. Making breakfast." I sighed, once again cursing my luck. With a hand sign, I summoned a clone to finish preparations.
"Lazy bastard," it said while setting the table.
"Ungrateful phantasm," I retorted, my coffee in hand and happily warming my soul.
After several moments of waiting, while I very carefully stayed away from my bedroom door, Sakura and Hinata emerged, fully clothed this time. "Morning, Hinata!" I said with a forced smile.
Hinata was standing behind Sakura, as if she was hiding from me. She was biting her lower lip, her nerves getting the better of her. What the hell happened last night? I wondered to myself. What did she mean by finding clothes? Did they... I blinked. No. No way. There is zero chance that they got it on while I slept on the couch.
I realize that this line of thinking is shallow, but still: The fact that I was the only one that slept alone that night, it was just unfair.
"Oh, um g-good morning, Naruto," she said while deliberately avoiding eye contact with me. I had a sinking suspicion that this wouldn't go very smoothly.
"Are you hungry?" I asked her. "Breakfast is ready." I nodded over toward the kitchen with our waiting food.
As if on cue, our stomachs began rumbling at about the same time. We all blinked at each other for a beat; as if by some magic spell, the tension was broken. Sakura laughed aloud. "Come on, sit down you two, I'll serve it up." She went to the kitchen to grab the platters of food on the stove. Omelettes with cheese, a good pile of bacon, and a half dozen pieces of toast were on the menu, and Sakura even took the time to fix our coffee situation.
I took mine with a mumbled "bless you" as Sakura filled a mug for Hinata. "How do you take yours?" she asked.
"Do you have any cream?"
Sakura glanced at me, and I shook my head. I hadn't gone out shopping since I got back from my last mission out of town, and I try not to keep perishables if I can help it. I know, it's hell on my diet if I don't stock up on veggies and actually try to eat them, but raman is the fuel that keeps me going. "There's some hazlenut powdered creamer in the cabinet, though," I told Hinata. "That do?"
Hinata nodded, and Sakura retrieved it for her. "Thank you," Hinata said with a groggy smile.
"No problem," Sakura told her with a light tap on the shoulder. She busied herself with grabbing some other essentials from the kitchen while Hinata and I shared an awkward silence. Our eyes briefly met, and immediately we both found other things of vast more interest to examine. For perspective, my kitchen area is on the opposite side of my apartment from the bedroom, with the living room sandwiched in the middle. Hinata sat with her back against the wall, looking to the rest of the place, while I had a small beige corner that seriously needed a coat of paint.
After several years, Sakara sat down with some butter for the toast, cutlery, and plates. "Dig in," she told Hinata with a smile. "Naruto cooked, you should try it! He's surprisingly handy in the kitchen."
"O-oh? Naruto cooks?" Hinata asked.
"Yeah!" I said, trying to sound enthusiastic. "I don't get to show off that often. Last time I had to cook breakfast for someone at home, it was Kiba and Lee who'd stayed over for a movie marathon." A small shudder went through my back. "Cleaning all that dog hair afterward... I love Akamaru, but that dog leaves pieces of himself in places that you never expect."
Hinata let out an involuntary snort of laughter, then covered her mouth with her hands. "Oh! I'm sorry!"
I smiled at her and waved it off. "You got nothing to apologize for," I said. "I got it all eventually." I frowned, then continued, "His hair is like glitter. Once you think it is all taken care of, you find a bit more a week later."
Hinata lowered her hands, and she had a knowing smile of understanding. "Kiba-kun tells me that the Aburame have forbidden Akamaru from going into any of their buildings. Sometimes the hives end up being built with loose dog hair."
"That does sound troublesome," Sakura agreed through a bite of eggs.
"Mmm," went Hinata as she dug into her own meal. After a few bites, her eyelids went up a notch. "Mmm!"
"See? I told you. Good food."
Hinata took the time over the next several bites to savor the flavors. Her eyes closed, she raised a piece of crispy bacon to her lips, slowly nibbled on the end on down a few inches to her fingers, stopping halfway through to take a swig of her coffee. Sakura and I shared a look while she was distracted; I was good, but it was just eggs. But watching her enjoy a simple meal with friends and filling her belly up, the aches of all the consequences of last night's mistakes were starting to wear away. "Hinata?" Sakura said. "You good there?"
She wiped the grease off of her fingers with a napkin and took to the eggs with renewed vigor. "Yes, Sakura," she said. "These might be the most perfect I've ever had." A goofy little grin tugged at her lips. "You're so lucky, Sakura-chan. I wish could eat Naruto's cooking every day."
We glanced at each other again. "Well, it's funny you mention that," Sakura began. "Naruto and I were kind of talking, and-"
"-I'm thinking about moving sometime soon," I interjected abruptly. Sakura blinked in confusion, but I continued as if nothing had happened. "I've been in this apartment for a few years, and I think it's high time I got out of the dump and, like, got a house or something. I have the money saved up, and a chunk of Jiraiya's book royalties come to me every few months. So, yeah, was maybe considering finding a place nearby with some woods in it, have a quiet place to myself."
"That makes sense," Hinata replied, seemingly oblivious to what she'd missed. "My father occasionally wonders why Konoha's greatest hero chooses to live in a dwelling like this." She wiped a spot of cheese from her lip and took a quick drink before continuing. "There are several unoccupied estates within the borders of Konoha that I am sure would be deeded to you should you want it."
"Nah, I don't want a handout or anything," I said, "I don't mind paying my fair share."
"Hold on a minute before you decide to be so altruistic, Naruto," Sakura told me. "I've seen the price tag on some of those places. Hinata, exactly which ones were you thinking of?" The ladies spent the next ten minutes going back and forth on different properties around town. The coffee and grub were doing their job of turning half-dead zombies into somewhat functional adults, but I was waiting for the shoe to drop. I was patient, though.
To be honest, I kind of zoned out while they were talking. I was thinking about the past couple of days. So many crazy things had happened already, I was starting to wonder how it had come to this point. Sakura and I had gotten together, she'd inferred that she might be fine if Hinata and I began some kind of relationship, but I still didn't know how I felt about that. I know her heart was in the right place, but from my perspective? It was like I had been handed a really good cake, but another cake wanted to come along and have me start eating before I was even a couple bites into the first one.
Okay, that's not the best way to put it, but that's how it felt, damn it! See, I knew how I felt about Sakura, I had for a long time, and it was my fault for not following through with how Hinata felt. That said, I still felt guilty for not wanting to jump in right away. I know the whole situation was ridiculous. I know that there most definitely would be millions of guys who might want to be in my shoes. But I couldn't shake the feeling that if I really wanted this to go well with either of them, I had to think about myself first, even if it was only this one selfish desire.
I wanted to be happy on my terms. Did that mean that one day, I might actually decide to entertain the notion of allowing myself to fall in love with the pair? Perhaps. I could easily see that road. Hell, that road might be the easier one. Would definitely be more fun.
But both Sakura and Hinata deserved for me to really think about my- our- future together. There would be challenges that I could not even begin to imagine to overcome. I still had the stigma of being the jinchuriki for Kurama; most people accepted it as a part of life by now, and hell, more often than not it doesn't come up in conversation because they don't see me as that guy anymore. But it's still enough for a random villager to hesitate when I walk into a room when they recognize me. I wasn't just "Naruto, the Prankster King" to them. I was still a monster. A (mostly) polite, ruggedly handsome, and incredibly talented monster, maybe, but all the same, a beast. I had come to terms a while back that I would never be everybody's favorite guy, but I didn't have to let that keep me down. If I had to fight for a future where I was happy, well, I know a lot of big boom techniques. I'd fight until my fingernails bled out.
"What do you think, Naruto?"
"Huh?" I had just bitten the last of my eggs and was about to slosh it down with lukewarm dregs at the bottom of my cup. "Sorry, I was somewhere else just then."
She grabbed my cup and stood. "I'll get you a refill. Hinata?" Sakura nodded at her while she walked away.
"Oh, right! Erm, t-there is a house somewhat near my home that is available. Or it should still be."
"Really? That sounds cool. We'd be neighbors! What's it like?"
Hinata blushed a fraction at that. I admit, that one was on purpose. Heh, fish in a barrel. "I have never been there myself," she explained, "but the land leased to the property is bordered by the Hyuuga clan's, it sits north of my home."
"Huh." I blinked and scrunched my eyes. Why did that sound familiar? "Is that the place where the stream cuts through in a little squiggle for about fifty meters? Narrow, widens out to this pool, pond kinda, then narrows again?"
"You've been there?" Sakura asked, giving me my cup back and sitting down. "That's surprising."
"Uh... In a manner of speaking," I said with a guilty grin.
"Oh?" Hinata prompted at my ensuing silence.
"Well... you remember how I used to love a good prank?"
Hinata and Sakura blinked at me. Sakura seemed more confused, but Hinata... oh, she had some idea all right. "You couldn't possibly be serious," Hinata said.
"What?" demanded Sakura.
"Weeellllll," I drawled, "it was, um, maybe when we were nine, ten years old? End of the second year of the academy?"
"Vaguely," she admitted. "I remember you being loud. Very loud." She stopped and thought, then said, "Constantly and consistently loud, like you had a broken volume control."
"Well, yes, but I grew out of it."
"Eventually," Sakura countered.
"With occasional relapses," Hinata added.
I shot her a look. "Whose side are you on?" I asked her.
She gave a small smile. "Naruto-kun, I am on the verge of a panic right now. The only thing keeping me on this side is the fact that I haven't quite woken up yet, my head still hurts, the coffee hasn't settled in, Sakura is still in her underwear, and I saw her boobs flop out when you were about to spank her. I'm pretending that this is a strange but still pleasant dream, please don't break the illusion yet. I haven't finished breakfast yet."
We all did an awful lot of blinking before the conversation picked back up.
"So... Uh... whille we're all being awkward and hungover," I said after a while, "mind telling me what happened last night? Hinata? Sakura? 'Cause, my memory is a bit hazy here and there..."
Hinata and Sakura shared a long, intense look for a moment. Color rushed to Hinata's face, soon to be covered by her hands as she looked away from her, wide-eyed. "It, um, it's not what you think," Sakura began.
"Hinata? You okay?" I asked. A muffled eep sound was the only reply she gave. I think that the illusion of a dream had just been shattered. "I, uh, I didn't do anything last night, did I? Sakura? We just... just please tell me I didn't make a complete ass of myself. I beg you."
Sakura picked up what I was meaning. "Oh, no. No no no, Naruto, you didn't do anything stupid. What do you remember, exactly?"
"Somewhere around the end of the fourth bottle of sake," I admitted.
"That was... hmm... I think we finished that halfway through the second movie? We got about halfway through another one before you cut us off. You don't remember that?"
"Not really," I said. "Do you?"
"Weelllllll," she said, somehow drawing that one word out into three or four syllables. "Most of it. I don't think I lost control until the end. You really don't remember? You seemed more sober than either of us."
"Oh, I was definitely tossed," I confirmed. "If it looked like I made any sense at all, I was probably running on automatic."
Sakura nodded. "Yeah, I buy that."
"... So? What happened?"
She looked at Hinata with a devilish grin. "Should I tell him?" she asked.
Hinata had buried her face in her hands once more. "Please, don't! It's embarrassing!"
"It's not that bad, Hinata!" Sakura said. Oh, it was definitely that bad. "Well, there we were, all three of us drunk off our gourd. We all were laying on the floor, huddled around and comfey in the pillows and blankets, just snuggling and relaxing-"
"You- You! You're making it weird!" Hinata somehow managed to say through her hands.
"And you, Naruto," Sakura continued with glee, "when the movie ended... you sounded like you were getting tired of just laying there with us."
"Sakuraaaa!"
"And you were so stern, Naruto. You looked me in the eyes and said, 'Enough drinking. I think we all knew where this was going the moment the movie snacks were ready and the liquor started flowing.'"
"That's not even close to what happened!"
"You took my cup from me! Out of my hands! You look at me and tell me to get in your bed! Of course, I didn't want to... I was already comfortable, after all, and we were all already cozy on the floor, getting warm under the covers..."
"We were laying ON THE BLANKETS!"
"So you manhandled me! You grabbed me, scooped me up, and took me in there yourself! I'll admit, my heart was racing! I didn't know you could be so assertive!"
"Sakura! No! That- no- just- why?!"
"'Stay there,' you told me. 'I'll be right back for you.' My heart thumped along at a thousand miles an hour as I wondered what you had in store for us-"
"No! That isn't what happened! Stop telling him these things!"
"And then, you came back with Hinata in your arms. You looked so sweet, the two of you standing there, lovingly gazing into each others' eyes while enjoying the warm embrace..."
"this isn't happening this isn't happening this isn't happening this isn't happening"
"And when you put her down, you were so gentle and sweet. You brushed her hair aside, gathered up the bedding, and walked over-"
"shut up shut up shut up shut uuuuupppppp"
An extremely sharp pain was forming in my sides while I was doing my 100% absolute damndest to keep the laughter in check, if only for Hinata's dignity. I tried. I did my best. I am trained. I am a professional. I fell back on all of the lessons I took over the years about keeping composure in the face of an enemy, but none of them could prepare me for this. Hell, it was funnier than the time Lee mistimed a jump and somehow ended up on the second Hokage's forehead. From two miles away. Half the town could hear him scream Gai's name through the whole flight.
"Stop! Stop stop right there!" I said, barely able to breath. "I... haha... I get the picture already! Leave poor Hinata alone!" I moved my plate, carefully banged my forehead on the table, and pounded it with mirth. "I... haha, I cut your liquor off, took you to bed... HAHA! And... haha! I crashed on the couch, right?"
Tears were rolling down mine and Sakura's faces by now. Hell, even Hinata seemed to get the giggles. "Y- yes!" Sakura cried, holding her belly. She was leaning to the side, she was laughing so hard. "You were a better gentleman drunk than m-most guys are soberrHAHAWHOOPS!" She had somehow slipped off of the chair and landed next to Hinata with a solid thud. A second of silence later and Sakura was bursting out with a renewed vigor. "T-the look on your face! Her face!"
"Sakuraaaaa! Why d-did you have to p-put it like that?!" Hinata said, though her reluctant grin seemed to say that she was finally over the embarrassment.
She slapped a hand on the table to help pull herself up. "Because it was way too funny not to!" Her cherry-blossom hair poked over the tabletop between Hinata and an empty platter of toast.
A sudden series of sharp bangs on the opposite side of the wall interrupted our humor. "HEY! QUIET DOWN! SOME OF US WORK THE NIGHT DUTY!" a rather annoyed voice shouted from the annoyingly thin walls.
The three of us looked at each other in silence for a moment, then broke out into renewed, but more muffled, laughter. "Hey, Hinata," I said while standing up and gathering dishes. "I was thinking about going shopping today, but how's about a change of plan? Wanna show me to that house you were telling me about?" I jerked my thumb at the offending wall. "I think I've overstayed my welcome."
A/N: Well, THAT happened. I apologize for torturing Hinata like that. I got some inspiration to write at about two in the morning and just rolled with it. This chapter's been half-written for two months now, somewhat satisfied to have it finished and down. Hopefully, I can keep the momentum going. Leave a review, tell me what you think.
Praise the log! Worship the log!
Be the good that you want to see in the world.
~DeadWitch