The first time Killua remembered being attacked by his father was when he was only five years old. There had probably been times before that, but his memory didn't go back that far.

He only vaguely remembered how it had started. He had been toddling around on his stubby little legs, playing with a stick he'd stolen from the woodpile near the fireplace. All of a sudden, Silva was screaming. Killua remembered freezing up as a heavy object sailed past, missing his tiny head by mere centimeters. He remembered getting so scared that he couldn't do anything except begin to cry.

Everything else was a blur. He could just barely recall being carried away by some unknown force. He remembered his father's outraged bellowing fading into the background.

Next thing he knew, he was tucked away in a cold, dark room, snuggled up against his older brother's chest. Illumi had somehow managed to outrun their very angry father with a sobbing child in his arms at just eleven years old. Now, they were hiding together. Killua was still bawling his eyes out, and Illumi was trying his absolute best to keep the poor thing quiet so they wouldn't be found.

"It's okay, Killu. Don't cry, please stop crying. Shhh, it's alright." Illumi's voice was soft and soothing, but Killua could tell the raven-haired boy was just as scared as he was. He could feel Illumi's heart pounding as if it were trying to break out of his chest.

"I'm scared, Aniki." Killua wailed, clenching and unclenching his tiny fists and sobbing even harder.

"I know, I know. It's gonna be okay, I promise. But I need you to try and keep quiet, okay? I don't want him to find us." Illumi murmured, combing his fingers through soft, fluffy strands of curly white hair.

Killua's large, rounded blue eyes went wide and he let out a little squeak of alarm. "What if he comes in here?"

"Shhhh, it's alright. If he does, I'll do my best to protect you. Nothing bad will happen to you so long as I'm around." Illumi pulled Killua closer, holding him tightly so as to provide him with a sense of security. "You're safe with me."

Just for that moment, Killua really and truly felt safe. He glanced warily around the room, unsure of exactly where he was. It was so dark he couldn't make anything out except the shadowy form of what might've been a table off to his left. He absolutely hated the dark, it was extremely intimidating to a small boy such as himself. He let out another choked sob, wishing he had a blanket or something to hide behind.

Suddenly there came the sound of loud, angry footsteps outside the room. Illumi immediately recognized those steps as Silva's, and shrank further back against the wall behind him, glancing frantically around the room for something he could use to protect himself. There was nothing small enough for a child like him to use as a weapon. If their father entered the room, they would be trapped and defenseless.

Killua heard the footsteps too, and somehow understood despite his age that he needed to shut up unless he wanted to give away their hiding space. His cries trailed off, and an eerie silence fell over the room.

The door leading into the room suddenly flew open so hard it broke off its hinges and slammed into the wall behind it. Illumi flinched and held Killua as tightly as possible, silently praying they wouldn't be found. Killua pressed his face into his older brother's shoulder, crying silently. Illumi could feel warm tears soaking into the fabric of his shirt. They both winced when Silva stormed into the room, steely blue eyes ablaze with fury.

"I swear I'll wring that scrawny kid's neck once I find him." Silva muttered, entirely to himself as he searched the room, coming dangerously close to his sons' hiding spot.

A terrifying moment of complete and utter silence passed. Silva checked behind the shadowy figure of a table, then moved to the other side of the room, disappearing into the darkness. But his footsteps returned a moment later, and it took every ounce of willpower Killua had within him to not make a sound. He was so scared that all he wanted to do was cry.

All of a sudden, a tall, bulky shadow was there, towering over the two boys. Time seemed to stand still for a moment. Killua let out a frightened whimper, jamming his eyes shut and trying his absolute hardest to make himself invisible, pressing himself as close to his brother as possible. Illumi remained quiet, staring up at Silva with wide, beady black eyes.

"There you are." Silva's voice said.

Killua didn't remember much of what happened after that. He only remembered being snatched away from the safety of his brother's arms. He remembered screaming and kicking like he'd been possessed, desperate to get away from whatever unknown force had grabbed him. He was still too scared to open his eyes, but if he had done so, he would've realized it was just Kikyo carrying him away. She had followed closely behind Silva and waited until the very last moment to sneak in and snatch the younger of the two boys away before her husband could hurt him.

"Aniki," Killua hiccupped, giving up his struggle and allowing his entire body to go limp. "Where's Aniki?"

"Enough, Killua." Kikyo whispered, as she hurried out of the room. "You ought to be grateful I grabbed you instead of your brother."

Killua shook his head stubbornly, rubbing his eyes with his fists. "I want Aniki. Give him back."

Kikyo hissed under her breath. The sound frightened the little boy even more, causing him to flinch and start sobbing all over again. "Ungrateful whelp. That's what you are. Someday you'll look back on this and realize what would've happened if I had just left you there."

Killua sighed as the painful memory faded away into nothing. He turned a page in the book he held in his hands, trying and failing to pretend to be reading so Gon wouldn't worry about him. The last thing he needed was sympathy.

It was extremely early in the morning. The sky was still an inky black color outside the massive, full-length window off to Killua's left. If he craned his neck, he could see the end of a silvery white crescent moon haloed in soft, muted light through the spotless glass. He'd woken up about an hour ago in a cold sweat, his heart racing as a million awful memories of blood and trauma and so much pain crashed in on him like waves crashing over rocks protruding from the depths of the sea. Naturally, his stirring had woken Gon too, who had been soundly sleeping beside him.

"Are you alright, Killua?" Gon had asked, as he rubbed his eyes sleepily and watched Killua slide out of bed for the sake of putting a shirt on.

"Yeah, I'm fine." had been Killua's terse response.

Gon could tell that his husband really wasn't all that fine, but he was kind enough to refrain from pushing the issue. Instead, he had offered to stay awake as long as Killua needed him for. Naturally, the young Zoldyck refused the offer, but Gon did it anyway.

Killua had found a shirt, grabbed a random book that had been laying on the floor for whatever reason, and scrambled back into the safety of the bed he shared with his husband. Even though he knew he was quite safe in the Southern Palace, he still didn't like standing out in the open like that. It made him feel too vulnerable, too visible, as if there were a thousand pairs of eyes riveted on him, monitoring his every move.

Once he was beneath at least three blankets, he lit the candle on the nightstand so he could see what he was doing and started pretending to read so he'd have something to focus on while the flashbacks consumed him. He had known it was coming from the moment he'd awoken, and he knew better than to try and stop it. He could just sit still and quiet, letting each and every memory present itself to him as fresh and as clear as if he were reliving the same thing all over again before tearing away like wet paper, making room for the next trauma to come forth and replay itself in his mind.

When it finally came to an end, Gon had fallen asleep again with his head resting on Killua's thigh, which was peeking out from beneath the blankets. The faintest hint of a fond smile touched the snowy-haired male's lips. He reached down and combed his fingers through coarse, vertically-standing ebony strands, admiring how peaceful and angelic Gon appeared while sleeping. He even had a little smile on his face, as if he were having a very pleasant dream. Either that, or he had fallen asleep grinning because he was proud of himself for managing to rest his head in Killua's lap without getting swatted or called a baka... or both, for that matter.

"Such a dork." Killua mumbled, doubling over and pressing a gentle kiss to Gon's warm cheek.

Gon stirred and mumbled something in his sleep, pressing his face into Killua's leg and keeping it there. A warm blush spread across Killua's porcelain-pale face, giving his cheeks a rosy tint. He pressed a feather-light kiss to the top of his sleeping husband's head before setting the book on the nightstand, blowing out the candle and laying down again. He made sure to lie down flat on his back so he didn't disturb Gon, who was clinging to the hem of Killua's shorts so tightly his bronze, calloused knuckles were whitening.

Even in his sleep he's clingy, Killua thought to himself, hyperaware of Gon's warm weight pressed into his leg. But I suppose that's okay, because he's really too cute to be mad at while he's asleep.

As Killua began to drift off to sleep, his mind wandered to less pleasant things. I'll have to check on my Aniki again tomorrow and make sure he's alright. I really hope he'll start healing soon, because I doubt he'll last much longer if this keeps up.

In all honesty, Killua didn't even know if his brother would survive the night. Illumi had seemed so weak, so very weak, that his skin had lost all semblance of color and his usually gorgeous black hair had lost all its former shine. There was something heartbreaking about the knowledge that, while Killua was spending so much time being happy with Gon, his siblings had been suffering endlessly. And he wasn't around to save them.

Killua had thought the flashbacks were over, but... he couldn't help but think about the last time he had seen Illumi cry since the incident back in the Crystal Palace, when Silva tried to kill them both (after Killua revealed to his parents that he had chosen Gon as his future spouse.)

The last time Killua remembered seeing Illumi cry happened years ago, back when the latter was sixteen and the former was ten.

He remembered creeping into their shared room, quiet as a mouse. He knew something bad had happened, because he overheard his mother weeping about it, but... he had no idea what was actually going on or how severe it was. He just wanted to check and make sure his Aniki was okay.

Illumi was huddled in the corner of the room furthest from the door, with his knees drawn up to his chest and his face buried in his hands, concealing it from view.

"A-Aniki?" Killua called out, tentatively.

There was no response. Illumi's narrow shoulders were shaking, almost heaving. Something was very, very wrong. Killua gasped when he noticed the bruises. There were so many of them... mottling Illumi's paper-pale skin with shades of black, purple and blue, spreading all the way up his arms and disappearing beneath his sleeves, which had been rolled up to just beneath his shoulders. The number and placement of the bruises was extremely abnormal. Usually it was the head, or somewhere on the torso, but never the arms.

Killua clapped one hand over his mouth, choking back tears. He wasn't used to seeing so many dark, painful-looking marks on his brother's skin, and it terrified him because he knew the same thing might very well happen to him. It looked like it hurt so much...

Trying not to make too much noise, Killua made his way across the room and crouched down in front of his brother, tilting his head to one side, trying to see Illumi's face.

"Aniki? Are... are you okay? Please be okay..." Killua reached out and lightly poked Illumi's knee to get his attention.

"Get away from me!" the words practically exploded out of the ravenet as he slapped Killua's hand away, black eyes wide with absolute terror.

Killua gasped and scrambled backward, startled by the sudden noise. He had never seen his brother scream like that, ever. Illumi was usually so quiet and collected, what on earth had happened?

The snowy-haired boy stifled a small sob, wrapping his arms around himself and rocking back and forth on his heels. "Aniki... I'm sorry, Aniki... Please don't be angry with me, I'm so sorry, please..."

"Go away. Just go away." Illumi hissed, curling further into himself and going to cover his face once again. Just before he did, Killua noticed the tears streaming down his face. "Don't look at me. Get out."

Nodding shakily and practically choking on his tears, Killua turned and fled the room. He had always hated it when he found Illumi crying because he tended to lash out and push everyone else away, refusing to appear weak in front of anyone, even his precious little brother. Just the knowledge that there was absolutely nothing anyone could do to help left Killua feeling lost, alone, scared.

But... he never saw his beloved Aniki cry again after that for eight years straight. Hell, it had been so long that Killua wasn't sure if Illumi even remembered how to cry.

When Killua woke up that morning, his stomach was twisted with worry and his heart was pounding as if it were trying to break out of his chest. He could tell right off the bat that something was wrong.

"Good morning, Snowflake!" Gon chirped, sitting up and stretching his arms over his head, grinning from ear to ear. "Did you sleep okay?"

"Mmh. Yeah." Killua mumbled, rolling over onto his side so his back was facing Gon, trying to hide how anxious he was. He grabbed at the nearest blanket and wrapped himself with it, asking, "What about you?"

"Yep!" Gon flopped over again, nuzzling his face into the side of Killua's neck, blowing warm air across the sensitive skin there. "Is something wrong? I know you're a night owl, but even then, you're a lot more lively in the mornings than this."

"I'm really worried about my Aniki. What if... what if he can't ever use his hands again? How on earth will he get through life like that?"

"Lots of people have disabilities, Killua. That's not saying they don't have it rough; they really do. But they always find their own creative, beautiful ways to get by regardless. It'll be alright." Gon reassured, tilting his head and mashing his cheek against his husband's, smiling gently all the while. "We can go visit him after we've gotten showers and stuff if you'd like."

"Alright." Killua sighed, reaching up and cupping Gon's face with one hand. "Let's do that."

"Okay. But only if it will make you feel better." the Southern Prince nuzzled Killua's temple affectionately, pressing a soft kiss there before sitting up again and unwrapping the blanket concealing the snowy-haired male's lithe form. "C'mon, then. Up."

"Don't tell me what to do, baka." Killua rolled his eyes, swatting at Gon's hands even as he pushed himself up into a sitting position.

Gon laughed as the Northern Prince slid off the bed and stood up, grumbling something under his breath about how bossy and stupid his husband was. "I can hear every word you're saying, Killua!"

"No you can't, shut up!" was Killua's even response.

It didn't take very long for the two to get organized enough to head out, unless you count the almost heated splash-fight they had when Killua got agitated and decided it would be a good idea to fling a handful of water at Gon's face while they were bathing. Ever since they had gotten married, they usually took baths together because Gon liked washing Killua's hair. It had become a part of their daily routine, though Killua would never admit that it was one of his favorite parts of the day.

Once they had gotten dressed and cleaned up all the water they'd gotten on the floor, they made their way to the recovery room Illumi was staying in as quickly as possible. Spending the morning with Gon so far had helped Killua feel a little less anxious about the whole thing, but he couldn't help the rapidly building unease in his chest the closer he got to the recovery room. He didn't know if things had gotten better, if Illumi was recovering at all. And he honestly feared the worst, though he knew he didn't have much of a reason to.

What if something did happen last night? What if he's not getting better? And what the hell am I supposed to do if any of those things happen to be the case?

Gon noticed the look of obvious displeasure on the Northern Prince's face and reached over to grab his hand, lacing their fingers together and squeezing gently. "You're doing it again. Stop worrying so much, Snowflake, I'm sure everything's fine. Someone would've come and gotten us if anything bad happened last night."

Killua jumped a little, as if startled. "Yeah. I guess you're right. But really, I can't help being like this. I mean, this is my brother we're talking about here. Not just my brother, my Aniki. I can't imagine getting through life without him because he's just always been there." he explained, squeezing Gon's hand in return and rubbing his forehead with the back of his free hand.

"I know, I know. And I can't even begin to imagine what that must feel like. I don't exactly have any siblings of my own." the tan male replied, his voice soft and soothing. "But it's gonna be okay. I promise."

"How are you always so sure of everything?"

"Well, I dunno... I think I've just got an optimistic way of thinking. At least that's what Kurapika tells me. He says one of these days my positivity is gonna piss someone off."

Killua giggled at that, giving Gon a grimly amused stare. "He's right, you know."

Gon scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Oh, you shut up."

A few moments later, they reached the door that opened up into the right room. The moment they arrived, Killua went completely rigid, as if he were bracing for a fight. He reached for the door handle, but his hand was shaking and he hesitated before touching it, as if afraid the metal would burn him.

Gon leaned over and kissed his husband's temple, murmuring a soft, "Let me do it." even as he reached out and pushed the door open.

Immediately, they were greeted by the smell of raspberries and Hisoka's musical, lilting voice carrying across the room in crystal clear tones. Something about the atmosphere of the room had changed since their last visit. It was much more light-hearted and healthier, contrasting heavily against the melancholy vibes Killua had picked up on earlier. That in itself was enough to make him relax a little.

A delighted smile spread across his features as he took in what was currently going on within the room. Illumi was sitting up in bed, blankets pooled in his lap, with Kalluto perched between his legs, leaning back against his chest. Hisoka was there too, sitting on the edge of the bed, making idle conversation with the two young Zoldycks.

Upon hearing the door open and close, Kalluto turned his head to look. When his eyes landed on Killua, his entire face lit up.

"Look, Aniki! Onii-chan's back!"

"Oh?" Illumi turned his abysmal gaze to Killua and smiled. "Good morning, Killu. It's nice to see you again. You too, Prince Gon."

"Please, just call me Gon. No need for formalities. You are my brother-in-law now, after all." Gon waved a hand in greeting, lightly nudging a clearly shocked Killua further into the room.

"Aniki, you're... you're sitting up on your own and everything..." Killua stammered out, looking like he might very well faint with relief. "You're getting better?"

"I think so, yes." Illumi blinked a couple times, tilting his head to one side. "Are you okay? You look a little pale."

Killua slapped one hand to his forehead. How on earth did Illumi manage to act like absolutely nothing even remotely concerning had happened? It was the most confusing and honestly frustrating thing about him. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little startled, I guess. You're looking a lot better now, too. When I visited yesterday, you... well... you looked dead."

"That's interesting. Why don't you come sit down and stay for a little while? I haven't seen you for the past couple days." Illumi waved one of his balls of bandage that used to be a hand, beckoning Killua into the room.

"I did visit yesterday, but you were out cold. Also, how the hell did Kalluto get back in here? I swear I put him to bed last night. Kal, why didn't you stay put?" Killua promptly marched over to his brother's bedisde, stopping and planting his fists on his hips.

Kalluto bristled. "I got scared, Onii-chan. I don't like the dark. You know this." he chastised, using his favorite matter-of-fact voice to try and make himself sound more grown up.

"Don't give him any grief, Killu. I like his company." Illumi agreed, giving the snowy-haired Zoldyck a deadpan stare that discouraged any further argument.

"Ah, I see. My bad. How are your hands, Aniki?" Killua hesitantly sat down on the edge of the bed, reaching over to ruffle Kalluto's hair. Kalluto swatted playfully at his hand as he did.

"Still completely useless. The only thing they're good for is causing blunt-force trauma to certain troublemakers..." Illumi trailed off, giving Hisoka a very much purposeful glare.

Killua burst out laughing at that. "Alright, creep, what did you do?"

"Absolutely nothing that merited being slapped with those wads of cotton." Hisoka retorted, grinning from ear to ear mischievously, making it obvious he knew exactly what he'd done and he was proud of it. "Illu-dear's a bit delusional from his injuries, if you can't tell. I've never done anything even remotely wrong to him."

"Yeah, right." Gon scoffed, as he came up behind Killua and laid his hand on his shoulder. "How many times did you have to get hit before you backed off, hmm?"

"Six or seven times." Hisoka shrugged. "I'll have you know I regret nothing."

"So, you did do something to piss him off. Aniki doesn't hit people without good reason." Killua remarked, bringing his hand up to Gon's and patting it a few times. "And he's usually quite composed, so you must've driven him up the wall."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Hisoka said, giving Killua perhaps the smuggest look he had ever seen in his life.

"Liar." Illumi hissed, between clenched teeth.

"Oh, really? Aniki, what did he do?"

"Nothing you need to be aware of. It's disgusting. And outright embarrassing."

"Kal? Did you see what happened?" Killua asked, turning to his little brother, who was watching the whole discussion take place with an amused glimmer in his shimmering magenta eyes.

"Hisoka was saying some adult things. Aniki told me to cover my ears, so I can't say for sure. I just know it must've been inappropriate. And then Aniki hit Hisoka a few times. It was amazing." Kalluto replied, without hesitation. "I must admit I wish I had my ears uncovered for that part. The face Hisoka made upon getting hit was absolutely priceless. I don't think he really expected it."

"Well, of course I didn't." Hisoka hummed, touching his finger to his sharply pointed chin. "Illumi's been completely unable to do pretty much anything at all ever since he got here. I didn't expect him to be able to smack the shit out of me like that."

At that, Illumi rolled his eyes and folded his arms across his chest, though the movement was rather clumsy with the heavy, thick balls of pristine white bandaging covering his mutilated hands. "Would you have said all those things if you had known I was capable of retaliating? That's the real question, I think."

Hisoka pretended to consider it for a moment before nodding his head enthusiastically. "I absolutely would've. Like I said, I regret nothing."

Illumi sighed and shook his head, clicking his tongue disapprovingly. "You really should've chosen someone else to keep an eye on me while I recover, Killu. I don't like this man. He bothers me too much."

"That's fair. But you're gonna have to suck it up and deal with it because I'm not going to go out looking for anyone else. Hisoka's the best person for the job, though he is a bit of a nuisance at times." Killua replied, reaching over to pat Illumi's head. The ravenet dodged the gesture almost instinctively, as if he'd been anticipating it all along. Killua sighed before continuing, "Everything will turn out fine, but it won't if you spend all your time beating Hisoka up. That can't be good for your hands, so you really need to stop that."

Illumi stared at his little brother, blinking owlishly for a moment, before shrugging and saying, "Alright, then."

Gon and Killua continued to discuss things with Hisoka and Illumi for several moments after that. Eventually, their discussion shifted from serious topics to playful banter and small talk. It was honestly relieving to see Illumi trying to keep up with everyone else, making an honest attempt to smile and participate in the conversation. It was obvious from the little physical cues he gave that he was still in a lot of pain, but... he wanted everyone, especially Killua to be able to forget about that for the time being. He had already wasted so much of his precious time worrying about Illumi. In all honesty, Illumi hated that everyone was paying so much attention to him. Maybe it was necessary given the situation, but that didn't mean he had to like it. He hated it, absolutely hated it.

What he wanted so badly to say but lacked the ability to put into words was the fact his impassive mask he always wore was cracking, dangerously close to breaking. He knew it wouldn't take long for him to completely lose his grip on all the emotions, all the agony he'd managed to stuff deep down within himself for the past several years, especially in this environment surrounded by these people. He was so far away from the icy-cold clutches of his parents, so it was extremely difficult to stay true to the façades he'd worked so hard to put up, keeping every inch of human emotion supressed.

Emotions were fickle, unnecessary things. But they were also terrifying, unpredictable things that often made one feel way worse than they should. Illumi felt safest with his emotion crammed down inside him where he could control it, prevent it from surfacing. He didn't want anyone to see just how weak and broken he really and truly was, because that was a vulnerability, and being vulnerable only ever lead to more pain.

Not that. Anything but that.

Illumi couldn't help but feel... a little jealous of Killua. After all, he'd found a way to escape their parents. Got married to someone he genuinely fell in love with and wanted to be married to. And now, he was living happily. Illumi could see it in his sapphire blue eyes. Killua was so much happier here with Gon than Illumi ever could've made him as his older brother.

Some part of Illumi really wanted to know what being free and truly happy felt like. But he doubted he'd ever know. Sooner or later, his parents were going to come looking for him. And when they found him, they'd want him back.

To be continued...

A/N: Good Lord, something must be wrong with me. I intended for this story to be a sweet, pure romance with minimal angst, but... it has evolved into something much more complex and dark than its original purpose. The first draft for the storyline of this series was so sweet and gentle and wholesome compared to this bloody awful mess I have created lol. Just so y'all know, I really didn't mean for it to get this dark. It just sort of... happened. Regardless, I hope you're enjoying this! I know updates have been slower than usual lately, but I promise I will see this story through to completion.

Please remember to leave a review on your way out, I'd love to hear your thoughts on what you just read. Thanks, take care!

-UltimatexAdmin