SOUTH PARK BELONGS TO MATT STONE AND TREY PARKER

It could have been said that she was his from the moment she saw him walking in.

South Park had many types of men to offer, but not a guy like him, so big, with such a charming voice and demeanor, so...black! His coming was like a gift from heaven to Liane. What happened at the Drunken Barn Dance didn't go well: Chef was new in town and was not as open as to accept a ménage à trois with her and a guy he didn't know, but their lips and tongues had already had contact, the pheromones had already done their part and their minds knew this was a great sex partner, so all she had to do was wait until Chef got used to his new home, to her.

He was a gentleman, he really was. When all of South Park found out Liane, the town's whore, finally did as everyone expected and got pregnant of a man she didn't even know, he was not among the crowd who murmured ugly things, like "that's what she gets for screwing with every person she comes across". Maybe it was because he was still shy, adapting, didn't know her yet or didn't pay attention to the nasty rumors about her. It didn't matter at that time. The whole town had forced her to accept a terrible pact: never revealing the identity of the father, because it turned out to be someone important, and he needed no distractions. But did she get support in compensation for her silence? Absolutely.

Liane was alone and Chef walked into her life like a good neighbor.

"If you ever need help with the groceries or the house, you can call me anytime."

They desired each other. Very much. Pregnancy was not really an obstacle to get what both of them wanted from each other (pleasure has its ways), but Liane found Chef gave her something more than a very nice time, something else.

That was why he was her favorite person.

He could have been just one more neighbor that slipped into her bed, but it seemed destiny wanted Chef to be bounded to the Cartman family.

And it all started with a little mischief.

Chef had left the kitchen for a second to pay a visit to the toilet when he heard a strange noise. He thought it was mice at first, and grabbed his spatula to crush those disgusting little critters, moving carefully to the source of the sound.

However, when he found what had been making it, he stopped and smirked, his hands on his wide hips.

"Well, well, what do we have here?"

It was not animals, but four kindergarten boys, who had sneaked into his workplace looking for candy, and they found the chocolate he had been melting for a recipe. Their mouths, hands and clothes were completely covered in chocolate, and they had the nerve to giggle when they saw him; surely they did because they saw from the first second that he didn't mean to be bad to them. Seeing those tiny boys managing to get the bowl from the counter, so playful and glad to see him even after catching them doing mischief, Chef just couldn't start screaming and nagging.

"If you wanted chocolate, you could have just asked. Look at yourselves, what a mess!" Chef knelt in front of one with a pretty green ushanka hat who even had chocolate in his ginger curls. That boy would become his little friend Kyle.

It was then when he recognized one of them, the fattest one, also the one who was looking at him with the widest smile. Even now he didn't hesitate to sink his hand in the bowl and suck it, shamelessly. Yes, he had seen that boy some times. He was little Eric, Liane's son.

"Well, since I can't do anything with that..." Chef gently took the bowl from Eric's hands, served the content remaining in four plastic cups and offered them to the children. "There." And next, he used his towel to clean the children a little bit. "Now, that's better. Look at you, you're a lovely bunch of handsome boys. Is Ms. Claridge your teacher?"

The boy with an orange parka orange than him and an old scarf, which Chef would later know as Kenny, nodded.

"She must be wondering where the heck you went. Finish that and I'll take you with her."

As soon as they did, Chef took two of them in his arms, one on his shoulders and let Eric follow him close. It was not easy, walking with them, because Eric wanted to reach for Kenny's hand, Stan was touching his funny beard all of the time and Kyle stole his cook hat to wear it himself, but Chef got to knock at the classroom's door.

"Morning, Miss Claridge. I found these lil' rascals in the kitchen. I think they're yours."

From then on, Eric grew up with Chef around.

Eric was watching Terrance and Phillip while eating snacks. His cat approached, jumped onto the sofa and started rubbing herself against him.

"Meow!"

"No, Kitty, these are my cheesy poofs!" The boy replied.

The cat insisted, meowing long and pathetically, rubbing herself against her owner again.

"Bad Kitty!" Eric exclaimed, and pushed her away from him.

It seemed he was not going to watch television in peace, because his mother appeared and sat by his side. "Ooof! There was so much to clean! You don't mind that I sit here with you for a moment, right, my love?"

'As long as you shut up', Eric was going to mutter, but the truth was...He had been waiting for her to have a moment so they have a serious talk, and this seemed like a good chance. So he left the cheesy poofs aside (which Kitty didn't hesitate to grab and take to the kitchen) and looked at his mother.

"...Mooom..."

"Yes, honey?"

"...You and Chef are going to get married?"

Well, that was so unexpected! Liane needed a moment to reply.

"Why do you say so?"

"Because he's always at home, and yesterday I heard you call him 'daddy'. Do you want Chef to be my daddy?"

"...Oh...Uh...Well, no. Sorry, but no, Eric. Chef is just a friend. A very, very close friend."

Eric looked away.

"All of my friends have a dad. If I had Chef as my dad, I'd be the coolest boy in town..."

"I don't doubt he would be..."

"You make a good couple. Just saying..."

Liane chuckled. She couldn't see it, but she could feel her cheeks and ears burning.

"We just understand each other very well, that's all...Look, Eric, I know you love Chef and you'd like him to stay with us forever, but he chose not to be married. He likes to be single and so do I. All of us are good the way we are, aren't we?"

Eric nodded, but he seemed serious, and kind of sad. He looked at his own feet.

"It would be so cool..."

Liane hated to disappoint her boy, but there was nothing she could do, so she did everything in her hand to make him forget that silly idea, starting by ordering KFC for dinner. But it remained, now inside of her brain. And boy, did it make her think.

"Eric thinks it's a good idea that you and I got married..."

After a session of nice love-making, both of them were naked. Since it was time for a good snack, Chef offered himself to cook some pancakes. There was nothing under his apron. He turned his head from the pan and looked at her with a smile.

"Really?"

Liane nodded. Chef chuckled, turning his eyes back to the pancake he was cooking to flip it.

"Well, he was so enthusiastic about the idea that I could have been his biological father..."

"Children." Liane shrugged and chuckled.

"Can you imagine? You and I married..."

"Yes, how silly...Still..."

Chef turned his head to her.

"...Still what?"

Liane shook her head, a faint smile still on her face. "No, I was just thinking...About the other parents...I just don't feel like there's a connection between us...I mean, the boys are good friends but I have nothing to share with the other mothers...I...Well, I sometimes feel like you are the only one in this town I can talk to about my day and everything..."

Chef was silent for some seconds, then the smile returned to his face.

"Sure. You know you and Eric can always count on me."

That was such a big relief to Liane, but that, she would never tell him.

"He can't leave! He can't!"

"Eric, please..."

"Why does he have to leave?! What did we do to him?! Are we so awful?! It isn't fair!"

A slamming door. A mother sighing in distress. And two broken hearts.

Still, Liane appreciated Chef enough not to make a scene. When she came to visit Chef and help him with the move in case he needed a hand, she was not as dramatic as her son had been.

"He will come to the airport to say goodbye to you, I'm sure of it."

"I feel bad for the little guy, not gonna lie..." Chef sighed, scratching the back of his head. "It makes it quite more difficult."

"You have to do what your heart tells you to do. We can't stop you." Liane said.

This was not the time to cry, even though she would have wanted to. Instead, she offered her friend her biggest smile.

"You are starting a new chapter in your life and we will be there to support you."

"Thank you so much, Liane. I'm going to miss you all so, so much...I gave you the recipe for my chocolate balls, right?"

"Yes, and I will keep it safe."

"Good. Even when I'm gone, I want you to taste them. And remember me."

"Do you really think we could ever forget you? How silly you are..."

There was so much to say, and yet they told each other so little...

"Do you want a last one?" Chef offered.

"Of course. We don't need a bed."

Maybe it would have been better not to keep it to themselves...

Chef was gone for months. Months in which his absence was unbearable. For Eric, something very big was missing. The school lunch didn't taste as good anymore, the line to get it was incredibly boring. And most of all, where would he go to from then on? More than once he got something good or bad he needed to get out from his big-boned chest and found he had no one. There were things is friends didn't understand or the problem was precisely with them, and his mother, she understood nothing at all. Chef used to understand everything and always had good advice. Now that he was gone, Eric had no choice but to look for answers on the Internet, or keep all those things to himself, pushing them to the bottom, until the whole thing exploded.

When Mr. Mackey surprised the adults with the news of his return and they spread to the children, Eric thought he was going to die of happiness. And when he saw those were not some cruel lies, when the door opened and Chef, his Chef, appeared, waving his hand, saying hello to him and his friends, he felt like the happiest boy in the world.

But a big shadow clouded his happiness.

He had heard rumors, nasty rumors, rumors so awful he didn't hesitate to punch whoever told them, because no one insulted Chef in front of him, but he had the chance to find out himself, that day at the cafeteria, during recess. As usual, Eric approached with the hopes of convincing Chef to give him some extra ration or a treat. He found the cook standing there, watching the children who were still eating—not blinking, but he didn't notice at that moment.

"Hey, Chef."

Chef turned his face to him and smirked.

"Hello, Eric."

"You know...I'm almost ten..."

"Yeah, I know."

"I'm growing up..."

"Ah-huh."

"And I need more nutrients to become big and strong!"

Chef raised an eyebrow and looked at him with a smirk, as Eric looked at him with a Bambi face.

"I guess you're right. I guess I can give you a little something..." It was then when he paused to look at him. "My, my, ten, huh? You're such a big boy..."

"Yeah, I am."

Eric's smile faded when Chef hand slipped to caress the pompon of his hat.

"What a big boy..."

He couldn't have said exactly why, but Eric didn't like the way he said that, or how he looked at him. When Chef's hand slipped down his cheeks and continued to descend until his fingers grazed his groin, his heart skipped a beat. Obeying an impulse, he drew back.

"But I'm gonna need something in return..." Chef leaned forward, and patted his own cheek twice with the tip of his fat finger. "How about you give me a kiss?"

A kiss?

Eric didn't reply. He just drew back.

"Come on, Eric. No one has to know."

That was precisely what scared him and what made him definitely turn around and run away. He looked for his friends everywhere and, still not sure of what to think, still feeling a chill in his spine like he had never felt, he said to them:

"Dudes, something's up with Chef. Something bad..."

Chef...Making sexual propositions to the children?

Sheila Broflovski got everything out of proportion, that was true, but this time it was not an exaggeration. The children were the ones who had told their parents, and enough of them had said the exact same thing to give their report credibility. Chef, the school cook, their friend, had told the children he wanted to have sex with them, see them naked, to touch his genitals...

Liane thought she was dreaming. Yes, this had to be a bad dream, because Chef was the last person she would have ever picture molesting children. He had always liked them, he was a father for those who didn't have a paternal figure, her Eric loved him...

There was an investigation going on. They wanted to put him in jail. Some parents wanted him out already, but the children themselves defended him. Her boy and his friends were sure something bad was happening to Chef, and they wanted to find out. He deserved a chance, they said.

Something bad...Oh, yes, something bad had to be happening. Chef had never been like that. Just the thought of it was enough to make her sick. Dear Lord, where did he get himself into during his retreat?

All of South Park was holding its breath. Chef was a reputed, beloved member of the community. The accusation was a big shock. Many still refused to believe Chef could have turned into such a monster. She couldn't believe it, oh, no!

She knew something was not going right when he refused to have sex with her after his returned and instead asked her tons of questions about Eric and his friends...Like he didn't like her anymore...Like his tastes had changed...

Eric said they would fix him. He said they would bring their Chef back.

Restless, all Liane could do was wait, walking around the house, trying to distract herself cooking and cleaning, all in vain. The kitchen particularly reminded her of him...

'What did they do to you, Chef?'

The door opened, Liane rushed towards it, not even noticing she did. She gazed at her son for long. He came alone. He looked at her, not saying anything.

Then, his eyes started getting wet. A tear formed and ran down his cheek. He started sobbing softly, and finally he succumbed and ran to her to burst into tears embracing her.

What happened? Dear Lord, what happened? It would take half an hour for Eric to be able to tell his mother about what happened at that mountain, with the Super Adventure Club, but she already knew they had lost Chef forever.

So many people were there...Chef had made so many friends in his life that the park was packed. Everyone wanted to say goodbye to him. Even celebrities, like Elton John and Terrance and Phillip, who he had met personally and even helped discover. Little Kyle, since he liked lecturing the crowd, was the one chosen to speak. He knew what to say better than any adult.

"We're all here today because Chef has been such an important part of our lives. A lot of us don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. Some of us... feel hurt... and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile. I'm gonna remember Chef as the jolly old guy who always broke into song. I'm gonna remember Chef... as the guy who gave us advice to live by..."

People around her were consoling their spouse, their friend, sibling...But Liane had no shoulder to cry on. Her tears, she had to bear them alone, wiping them in vain because they kept falling. In silence, among neighbors, now that her Eric had her back on her and couldn't see her cry.

For a very long time, she waited till he was not around to cry because he needed her.

"You need to do something about your son, Mrs. Cartman! You have to do something!"

Liane muttered the usual apology, then gently pushed Eric out of the principal's office. This was a good moment to reprimand her son for his mischief (something concerning a poor hamster going to places no animal should go) but she had rarely done such thing and this was not the moment. Both of them walked to the car in silence.

It was Friday after all, and they had something to do.

Eric thought of what he had done, and, as his teachers hoped, with regret. Now that he was thinking about it, it was a very stupid thing to do. Kenny had died as result to it. But at that moment it seemed like a great idea. Had Chef been there, he would have convinced him with good reasons that it was better to forget about it.

As for Liane, she knew perfectly what that tone meant. Look what your monstrous son has done this time, you are a terrible mother, people like you shouldn't have kids, you should have aborted the little bastard when you had the chance...It felt so tiring, but what could she do? She couldn't just be harsh on her son. He would keep on doing the things he did and would hate her for talking him back...Everything seemed much easier when Chef was there. He had a good hand with kids, and she could always de-stress with him, with words or without them...

The car stopped and both of them hopped out, taking their respective presents from the trunk. They crossed the yard until they reached the spot. There.

JEROME "CHEF" MCELROY. BELOVED FRIEND.

Eric was the first to approach.

"Hey, Chef..." he muttered, leaving a bouquet of yellow and red flowers at the grave, where he could, because they were not the only ones who had visited it: Randy Marsh had come to see him after Obama won and left a bottle of beer, the children left drawings, Jimbo and Ned placed a frame photo of the three of them with a dedication, Ms. Garrison even left a kiss on the surface of the tombstone. He changed the place of some of them because he was sure Chef would have liked his flowers better.

Once he was done, Liane approached to gently leave a plate on the tombstone, of a little bun with a nipple's shape.

"It's a Spanish recipe." She muttered. "It's called 'nun's titties'...I thought he would have liked them..."

Eric looked at his mother and, not saying anything, he came closer to wrap his arms around her. She caressed his shoulders, as they both watched the grave in silence for a while, until Eric himself spoke:

"I want your titties too. Can I have some?"

THE END