Thursday, September 2, 1976
"If you had to shag one of the professors, which one would it be?" Sirius asked thoughtfully.
James snorted with laughter, Remus looked horrified, and Peter frowned in concentration as if his life depended on choosing the right answer.
"It's 8 am on the first day of classes and that's what's going through your mind?" Remus asked incredulously.
"Yes, and don't act so high and mighty like you've never thought about it before," Sirius retorted.
"But I haven't!" Remus protested. "It's never occurred to me - Wormtail, have you?"
"No," Peter said slowly, "but I think I'd probably pick Professor Babbling? Or maybe Professor Sinistra? I dunno, what do you think?"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "You have to decide for yourself, Wormtail, that's the whole point. But for what it's worth, I think those are both just awful choices."
"Who would you choose, then?" Peter asked. "McGonagall?"
"How dare you!" Sirius shouted, startling a third year Ravenclaw girl who had the misfortune of walking by at that moment. "I would never think about Minnie that way - I have far too much respect for her." He glanced at James, who was still laughing. "What's so funny, Prongs?"
"I was thinking about this exact same thing last night at the feast," James explained. "Sometimes it's like we have the same brain!"
"The same weird, perverted, fucked up brain," Remus added, smirking.
Sirius ignored Remus's jibe. "Who would you choose, then?" he asked James.
"Professor Sprout," James answered promptly, "but I can't explain why."
Remus laughed, but Sirius fell silent for a minute, thinking. "Yeah, I'd do it," he finally decided. "She's got kind of, I dunno, an earthy appeal, with the dirt under her fingernails and that flyaway hair."
"You're freaks, both of you," Remus decided.
"We know who you'd choose, Moony," James said. "It'd be Madam Pomfrey, don't you think, Padfoot?"
"I dunno," Sirius said, shaking his head slowly. "I think Remus thinks of Pomfrey sort of the way I think of McGonagall - he has too much respect for her to see her that way."
Remus hesitated, seemingly torn, then smiled roguishly. "Nah, Prongs is right, I'd definitely do it. Not that I don't have loads of respect for her, because I do! She's excellent at her job and all. It's just, well, she's fairly good looking, isn't she? And she has very gentle hands."
"Gentle hands?" Sirius repeated before dissolving into laughter. James and Peter were both laughing so hard that the four boys had to stop in the middle of the corridor; other students stepped around them, glancing back over their shoulders in confusion.
"Good morning, gentlemen," said a familiar voice, and the four Marauders turned to see Professor McGonagall standing with her arms crossed, fixing them with her usual stern gaze.
"Good morning," Sirius managed to choke out.
"Hello, Professor," James added, not daring to look at Sirius for fear he wouldn't be able to contain his amusement.
"Dare I ask what is so amusing that it's causing the four of you to make a spectacle of yourselves and block up the corridor?" she asked.
"No, you'd better not," Remus replied quickly, shaking his head emphatically.
"Very well," McGonagall said. "Mr. Black, may I have a quick word with you in my office?" She looked at the surprised look on the boys' faces, then added, "You're not in trouble. Not yet, anyway. I just need to talk to you about a couple of things."
"Er, yeah, all right," Sirius said.
"Will he be back in time for breakfast?" James asked.
"I assume so," McGonagall replied.
"Well, you know what happens when you assume, Professor-" James began.
"Excuse me?" McGonagall asked, pursing her lips.
"Er, I mean, I just need a more definite answer, that's all," James amended. "So I can decide how much bacon to set aside."
"None," McGonagall said firmly. "Mr. Black will be back at breakfast with plenty of time to eat the entire pig's worth of bacon that he normally consumes."
"I could wait outside your office-"
"That will not be necessary, Mr. Potter," McGonagall assured him. "Go down to breakfast, and Mr. Black will join you momentarily." Her tone left no room for argument, so Remus and Peter set off for the Great Hall, and James followed reluctantly, waving at Sirius and McGonagall over his shoulder.
"Professor," Sirius said as he strode alongside her in the direction of her office, "how much time do you think you've wasted debating with us about absolute nonsense?" He glanced sideways at her and grinned. "It's got to be at least a week of your life that you'll never get back."
McGonagall sighed and shook her head. "That's something I prefer not to think about, Mr. Black."
When they reached her office, he followed her inside and stood leaning against the doorway until she gestured for him to take the seat across from her desk. He did so, slouching down with his legs in front of him and his hands resting behind his head, but he straightened when she cleared her throat pointedly.
"I wanted to speak to you about two matters," she began. "First, it is my duty to inform you that from now on, the school will be sending all communications, whether of a disciplinary nature or otherwise, to Fleamont and Euphemia Potter rather than to your parents."
Sirius eyed her suspiciously. "What, did my parents write to you or something?"
McGonagall kept her face mostly neutral, but the slight tightening of her mouth and narrowing of her eyes told Sirius everything he needed to know.
"She sent you a bloody Howler, didn't she?" he demanded, voice rising in anger.
"Language, Mr. Black," McGonagall said calmly, but Sirius refused to be chastened.
"No, that's just un-fucking-called for!" he exploded.
"Language, Mr. Black," McGonagall repeated, her voice louder this time, but Sirius continued without acknowledging her interruption, rising from his chair and pacing a restless path around the room.
"It's one thing to send me a Howler, I don't bloody care, but just because she's a fucking cunt and doesn't want me as a son anymore doesn't give her an excuse to shout at you!"
"Mr. Black!" McGonagall exclaimed, standing up in an effort to get his attention. "You are currently shouting at me yourself."
Sirius opened his mouth to argue, then realized what she had said. He stopped pacing and took a deep breath, slumping slightly as the anger left him as quickly as it had arrived.
"Right," he said sheepishly. "Sorry." He pulled his wand and a piece of parchment from his pocket and looked at her expectantly. "All right, what's it going to be? Points from Gryffindor, detention, or both?" He pointed his wand at the parchment as though about to magically record his punishment.
"What are you doing?" McGonagall asked, frowning and gesturing at the parchment in his hand.
"Oh," he said. "We keep a record of how many days it's been since any of us have lost points or gotten detention. It's on the wall in our dormitory, and we each have a piece of parchment where we record any punishments that automatically changes it on the one in the dormitory. We've been doing this since the beginning of last year." He smiled wryly. "It was Remus's idea. He said he'd buy us all a year's supply of Honeydukes if we could go a month without losing points or getting detention. We went almost three weeks once, but one of us always messes up eventually."
McGonagall stared at him, eyes narrowed.. "Did you use a Protean Charm?"
Sirius nodded.
"You can perform a Protean Charm?" she asked, incredulous.
Sirius nodded again. "James too. It was a bit tricky at first, but once we had the theory down it really wasn't hard to learn." He grinned when he noticed the expression on her face. "You look impressed."
She gave him a small smile. "It's very advanced magic," she said, and coming from her this was high praise. She seemed to consider something silently for a moment before she sighed. "Have a seat."
He followed her instructions, still dutifully waiting to be assigned a punishment. She sighed again, then sat down, opened a drawer of her desk and pulled out a tin, then held it out to him.
"Black, have a biscuit."
He tilted his head to the side and looked at her, confused. "A biscuit?" he repeated.
"Yes, Black, a biscuit," she said impatiently. "A type of baked sweet, made with flour and sugar, often served with tea. I trust you've had biscuits before?"
Sirius continued to stare at her for several seconds before he recovered himself. "Yes, Professor, I'm familiar with the concept of a biscuit, I just, well, sorry, does this mean I'm not losing points or getting detention, then?"
Her lips twitched infinitesimally, as if she wanted to smile again, but she quickly repressed the urge and merely shook her head. "No, not today, Mr. Black," she said. "But don't let me hear you using language like that again."
"Right," Sirius said quickly. "Of course."
She set the tin on the desk and pushed it towards Sirius pointedly. After a moment's hesitation, he selected a biscuit from the tin. Once he had taken a bite, McGonagall cleared her throat.
"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, Hogwarts will now be communicating with the Potters rather than with your parents about any disciplinary or educational matters that pertain to you. Yes, I did receive a Howler from your mother regarding this matter." She held up her hand to forestall any further protests from Sirius. "However, it was not the first Howler I've ever received, nor will it be the last. I also wanted to let you know that in addition to the correspondence from your mother, I also received a letter from the Potters expressing their desire to be considered as your unofficial guardians until you come of age. They included written permission for you to visit Hogsmeade, and they requested to be informed of any rule breaking so they can do their best to exert a positive influence on you, though after raising James for the past sixteen years, they did not expect to have much success."
Sirius grinned. "At least they're realists," he said, feeling touched that the Potters would go out of their way to make this gesture.
McGonagall nodded. "Indeed." She studied Sirius for a moment, then said, "Despite the catastrophic amount of trouble you two cause together, you and Mr. Potter are lucky to have each other as friends."
"I suppose we are," Sirius agreed, surprised but pleased by her almost affectionate tone.
McGonagall looked as though she would like to say more, but merely shook her head as if to clear it and took two pieces of parchment from separate piles on her desk. "Now, since you're already here, I may as well go over your schedule with you now." She scrutinized the first piece of parchment, containing what appeared to be a class schedule, then compared it to the other, evidently containing Sirius's O.W.L. scores. "I'm sure it will not surprise you that you're fine to continue on with all of your chosen classes." She hesitated for a moment. "At the risk of inflating your already rather large ego, I have to tell you that you've done exceedingly well. Mr. and Mrs. Potter must be quite proud." She handed him his schedule, wearing the same small, impressed smile she'd worn when she discovered his mastery of the Protean Charm.
Sirius stared at her for several seconds, unable to absorb what he was hearing. He was certain he'd never received such a large compliment from Professor McGonagall, especially not after he'd shouted at her and used several choice swear words in the same sentence. Finally, he accepted the course schedule and returned her smile.
"Thanks, Professor," he said, his mind reeling. This might be the strangest morning he'd ever had, and yet he felt incredibly pleased. "Er, should I go down to breakfast now?"
"Yes, please do, before Mr. Potter becomes overly concerned about the availability of bacon and decides to come in search of you," she replied, and Sirius set off for the Great Hall, shaking his head and smiling to himself.
"What was that all about?" James asked when Sirius joined them at the Gryffindor table.
"Strangest bloody fifteen minutes of my life," Sirius replied, piling food on his plate. "I shouted about what a cunt my mother is, and McGonagall basically said she's proud of me twice. Oh, and she gave me a biscuit." He chuckled when he saw the expressions of mingled confusion and amusement on his friends' faces, and he proceeded to recount the full details of his conversation with McGonagall.
After breakfast, sixth year students had to be cleared by their Heads of House to continue with their chosen N.E.W.T subjects, so Sirius waited as his friends each met with McGonagall. Once they had all been given their schedules, they set off for the first class of the day, excitedly chatting about the possibilities free periods offered.
"It'll be brilliant! We'll have the common room almost to ourselves," James said, then lowered his voice. "We could even go into Hogsmeade for supplies if we wanted to - or would that be too suspicious if we turned up on a Wednesday morning, d'you think?"
Sirius frowned down at his schedule. "I don't have a free period Wednesday morning. Mine's in the afternoon." He plucked the schedule out of James's hand and held it up to his own. "Hang on, this can't be right. We don't have any free periods together!"
James paused to peer at the two schedules, stopping so suddenly that Remus almost ran straight into him.
"Sorry, Moony," he said hurriedly.
"Wait, let me see your schedule," Sirius said to Remus, grabbing it out of his hand before he had time to reply, then shoving it back at him after a moment with an exasperated sigh. "No good. Wormtail, gimme yours." He quickly perused Peter's schedule, then looked up again, shaking his head.
"Well, this is obviously a mistake. Come on, then," James said, reversing direction and gesturing over his shoulder for his friends to follow him.
Peter and Remus glanced at each other, then shrugged and followed Sirius, who seemed to know what James was up to without having to ask. The two strode briskly back to McGonagall and stood in front of her with their arms crossed.
"Professor," James began, "there's been a mistake."
"There's something wrong with my schedule," Sirius added, thrusting it at her roughly.
"Gentlemen," McGonagall said, peering at them over her glasses and frowning, "I am in the middle of speaking with Ms. Evans regarding her course schedule."
"Sorry, Evans," James said quickly. "This is quite urgent, I'm afraid."
"Can't wait a moment longer," Sirius added. "Life or death, really."
"Mr. Potter! Mr. Black! I must ask you to wait until I finish clearing Miss Evans to take her selected classes," McGonagall exclaimed.
"I'll save you some time, Professor," James said helpfully. "She got excellent scores and is cleared to take everything."
"Well, that is technically correct-" McGonagall began.
"We'll see you in Herbology," Sirius said, smiling dismissively at Lily.
McGonagall held up a hand to silence James and Sirius, then sighed. "Miss Evans, you are in fact cleared to take all of your courses. Well done, and I do apologize for the incredibly rude interruption." She glared at James and Sirius, who, to their credit, managed to look contrite.
"Oh, well, all right," Lily said, appearing slightly put out. "Thanks, Professor McGonagall." She strode away, glancing back over her shoulder at James and Sirius and shooting them a disapproving glare.
"Well?" McGonagall asked, raising her eyebrows at James and Sirius expectantly. "What could possibly be so wrong with your schedule that you thought it justified to barge in and interrupt my conversation with another student? As I recall, you took no issue with it when I handed it to you earlier."
"Yes, but that was before I compared it to everyone else's schedules," Sirius explained.
"We don't have any free periods together!" James exclaimed.
"I don't have any with Remus or Peter, either," Sirius added.
"I fail to see how this constitutes a life or death situation," McGonagall said flatly.
"Well, all right, I suppose that may have been a bit of an overstatement," Sirius admitted. "But we reckoned you'd want to correct this egregious scheduling error as soon as possible."
McGonagall examined Sirius's schedule for a moment, then looked up, exasperated. "Black, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your schedule. Everything is perfectly in order."
"But why hasn't he got the same free period as the rest of us?" James demanded.
"Because he is not taking all the same classes as you," McGonagall said impatiently. "Mr. Black is taking Muggle Studies, while you have elected to take Ancient Runes. This should not come as a surprise to you, as you have been taking these classes since third year. If it is really that important to you, perhaps you should have chosen the same classes."
"Well, we planned to, but James insisted on taking Ancient Runes because Evans was taking it, and I wanted to do Muggle Studies to annoy my parents, so here we are," Sirius explained.
She raised her eyebrows. "I'm glad you both put so much careful consideration into choosing your courses. Now, please explain to me how you both earned nine Outstanding O.W.L.s, and yet the concept of different classes being held at different times has you completely flummoxed."
"But Ancient Runes and Muggle Studies have always been held at the same time," Sirius protested.
"You are the only 6th year student continuing with Muggle Studies, so you'll be combined with the 7th years. That class is held at a different time. You have Wednesday afternoon free, and Mr. Potter has a free period Wednesday morning. You will survive. Please stop wasting my time, gentlemen." She turned to leave, shaking her head in disbelief.
"But this is rubbish, Professor!" James said.
"Yeah, what am I supposed to do with a free period all by myself?" Sirius insisted.
"I suggest you use the time to complete homework. You two do not have to spend every waking moment together." She met Sirius's eye. "Here is another 20 minutes of my life I will never get back, Mr. Black. You've both lost Gryffindor five points. Now, please, get to Herbology, and don't forget to record your lost points on those spelled pieces of parchment. Good day, boys." With that pronouncement, she turned and strode briskly away, muttering under her breath something that sounded suspiciously like "Bloody hell."