Leilani
The last night before I was due to return to Uni, my mum brought me a cup of tea in my room and put it down on my desk where I was sitting.
"Thanks," I said, looking away from my laptop screen. I'd been reading over some of the material I'd missed while I'd been away. Eight lectures and one assignment which I'd managed to get an extra month's extension on. I had already been behind when I started the year, and I had at least fifty more hours of work to do. I was just about ready to curl up into a corner and cry.
"You don't need to get it all done in one go," my mum put a hand on my shoulder, rubbing it. "No need to stress yourself out again."
But the whole reason I'd gotten so stressed out was from not working hard enough! "I'll try," I mumbled.
"Good girl," she left me alone.
My typing was sluggish as I spent at least ten minutes writing a single sentence. Each time I thought about how bad my writing was, I could picture my dad's disappointed expression at finding out I'd barely scraped a pass on my Masters. He always told me, time and time again, there was no point doing anything if you weren't going to do it well.
What was the point in working on this? I shut my eyes tightly, trying to move past it. I had to do this. I had started my Masters and I was going to finish it.
I opened my eyes and started writing some more. At the end of two painful hours, I had just about finished the exercise in five hundred and three words. It wasn't my best work, and I didn't have the energy to look it over. I hit print, gathering several copies for the workshop in my seminar tomorrow. At least I had something.
I slipped them into my folder and into my bag by the door before getting ready for bed. I couldn't relax, so I have no idea how I managed to get to sleep. All I could think about was the seminar, and I wouldn't let myself get consumed by anything. I was far too on edge for that.
The next day, I spent some time looked at some more Uni stuff, checking I had everything prepared, or as much as I could. After lunch I couldn't take it anymore and decided to just go into the city early. At least then there was no chance I'd be late.
I had a few hours to kill so I sat at one of the computers in the library, a pile of books beside me for one of my assignments.
A notification popped up, alerting me to a new email. It was from the lecturer I was meant to be having the seminar with in a couple of hours. She hoped I was feeling better and that I'd be showing up. She also assured me I didn't need to bring any preparation and that I could just take it easy for the next few weeks as extensions could be arranged for the other assignments.
I read through the email, leaning back in the chair as my shoulders relaxed. Getting that email had been a bit of a relief, now the pressure was off.
I opened my folder, looking at the piece I'd printed the night before. It wasn't terrible. There was the freedom now not to share it, but I kind of wanted to now. I put it back into the folder, a renewed sense of confidence flowing through me. I was going to share it.
If it's that bad, I'll just kill myself.
I looked up at the ceiling as if telling my brain to shut the fuck up. There was no need for that.
Sighing, I opened a book and began to flick through it. Opposite me there was movement on the other side of the desk as someone at down. When I looked up, I recognised one of the girls around my age from my course.
She noticed me looking at her and gave me a small wave and a smile.
I smiled back, looking down again to the book.
"Hey," she whispered
Turning back to her again, I was surprised for a moment that she wanted to talk to me.
"Where have you been? I haven't seen you in ages. Leilani, right?" She had long black hair and very fair skin.
"Ill," I whispered. "You're Naomi?"
"Yeah." Her brow furrowed. "I hope you're doing ok?"
I shrugged. "I'm alive," I said honestly. For some reason I felt comfortable enough around her that I could share what was going on with me.
"Burned out?" she asked, smiling sadly.
I nodded.
"That sucks." She started typing what must have been her login as she then leant on her elbow on the desk.
I was about to carry on working, thinking our conversation was done, when she spoke again.
"Leilani, are you busy for Halloween?"
I shook my head.
"Katelyn and I are going to visit the clubs in the city. Do you want to come with us?" She watched me, her brown eyes hopeful. "We're gunna dress up – she's going as Supergirl and I haven't decided yet."
I was tempted. It actually sounded really fun and I hadn't been drinking, dancing or clubbing in a long time. Not since I was doing my Undergrad. Maybe Jasper would even go with me? Not that he'd be doing much drinking, although I wondered if he would even like it. Packed rooms with sweaty, alcohol stinking humans.
"It might help to get out," Naomi added, sensing my indecisiveness.
I nodded. "Ok, sounds good."
She grinned. "Yay!"
Someone nearby glared at her and shh'ed loudly.
Naomi blushed, trying not to laugh. "Pre-drinks are at mine. I'll message you my address."
"Cool," I smiled. "Thanks."
"I'm so excited!" She whispered.
We sat together in the seminar. Naomi introduced me to Katelyn, the other girl around our age and we chatted as we workshopped each other's pieces. I noticed everyone was quite positive about mine, not having much criticism to say, and I wondered if the lecturer had said something to them.
During the break Katelyn convinced Naomi she had to dress up as Catwoman and that I also had to go as a super hero to make the trio. The only other one I could think of was Wonder Woman, and they enthusiastically insisted. The more I thought about it, the more excited I was about the whole thing. Maybe it would be better if Jasper didn't come? It was sounding more like a girl's night the more we planned.
I decided to send him a message to see if he would be willing to pick me up after.
Of course, he wrote back, along with a winking emoji and a red heart.
On Halloween, I spent the afternoon looking around the shops, searching for the right outfit. I'd told Katelyn and Naomi I'd go as Wonder Woman, but I couldn't find anything that worked, and of course the actual fancy dress shop was so expensive.
In the end I decided to pick up a red tank top, although I had a lot of trouble trying to find a blue skirt.
As I was browsing through some denim skirts, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around, expecting to get yelled at for being in the way or something. Instead Alice was there.
"Fashion emergency?" she guessed, wiggling her eyebrows.
"How did you know?" I cried. "Please help me, Alice!" I smiled in relief. Her outfits and make up was always on point.
Alice giggled, linking arms with me. "I know exactly where we need to go." She took the red tank top from my hands and draped it over one of the rails, pulling us out of the shop.
She showed me to a little place down a side street that I hadn't thought to go down. Barely even taking the time to browse Alice dove straight in, grabbing some items and putting them into my hands and pointing me to the dressing room.
My eyes widened as I didn't have time to really see what she had picked up, let alone the price. My budget wasn't very big. I didn't want to spend much on a one-night outfit.
In the dressing room I got a better look, putting my bag down and hanging the items up on the hooks. There was a blood red corset and some navy ruffled skorts. It wasn't exactly like the super hero, but I could complete it with some golden jewellery. Perhaps I could get some tacky cheap stuff from somewhere.
I put on the outfit, looking at my body in the mirror. The corset was a bit tight, though I liked how good it looked.
"Well?" Alice called out from behind the curtain.
I pushed the fabric aside so she could see. Her face lit up. "Perfect!" she squealed. And then her eyes trailed down to my feet. I had taken my trainers off so I only had socks on. "Shoes." She tapper her chin.
"Alice," I shook my head. "I'm not buying shoes. I already-," I cut off, the label of the corset between my fingers. That alone was double the budget of my whole outfit. "Shit."
She slapped my hand. I dropped the label, staring at her. "Early Christmas present."
"Alice, no-," I started, but it was too late. She was already getting her card out, handing it to the sales assistant with a smirk.
We walked to another shop and I tried on about five different pairs of red heels until I found some that were comfortable enough to wear for more than half an hour. I paid for the shoes, and we took off to the last place – a cheap jewellery shop.
Amazingly they had a merchandise section with a red and gold painted Wonder Woman necklace, which I grabbed, along with some simple bracelets. Alice huffed as I told her there was no point in getting real gold.
"What's the point in having a fortune if you can't spend it?" she rolled her eyes.
"It's one night!" I exclaimed, zipping up my purse. "If there isn't sick on my shoes, I'm literally bringing them back tomorrow."
"Sorry to tell you this, Leilani, but they're going to be quite scratched on the soles."
I shrugged. "Ah well. I guess I'll find another use for them."
Before I went home, I wanted to stop and get something to eat. Even though Alice naturally wouldn't be eating, she stayed with me, asking if she could come round and do my make-up for tonight. I eagerly accepted, being hopeless at that and normally going without.
On the way back, I picked up several bottles of cider and one of rum. I knew I wasn't supposed to be drinking with my medication, but it was just for one night. The only reason was because alcohol is a depressant, which would just counteract my antidepressants. I'd be just as unhappy if I sat at home, I reasoned.
Alice rushed home and bring over her make-up kit while I got ready, opening a bottle of cider as I did so. I put some music on, swaying to the music while I took a few swigs. Tonight was going to be different – good. I was being normal. Drinking, hanging out with friends, going out. There was nothing wrong with me tonight.
I was buzzing when Alice returned. It had been several months since I'd drunk anything and I'd already been a lightweight before. She kept scolding me to sit still as she applied blue eyeshadow, blue eyeliner, and red lipstick.
I looked at myself in the mirror, beaming. For once, I looked great. "Thank you, Alice."
"You're welcome," she smiled back. "Too bad about your hair."
"Yeah, there's not really time," I said, running my fingers through the off-purple strands. "I need to go and get the bus in twenty minutes."
"Hell no!" Alice said. "I'm driving you. So, there's at least time for me to cut it for you."
I put my hands on my hair to protect it. "Alice, no!"
She put her hands on her hips. "What? I'm better than any human hairdresser."
"But you don't cut your family's hair? Jasper said it doesn't grow."
Alice tilted her head to the side. "No, that's true. But I know how to do it. Trust me. I can see that it will look amazing."
I pressed my lips together, grimacing. "Ok, fine," I gave in, causing her to do a little jump and clap her hands.
I sat back down on my chair as she placed a towel around my shoulders.
In just a few minutes she cried out, "Done!"
I was actually quite pleased with it. Alice had trimmed it so the back wasn't so far down my neck anymore, and my hair was now much tidier.
"Now, you look perfect." She said, proudly admiring her work.
I wouldn't use the word perfect, but I was happy enough with how I looked that I could go outside. The corset had me self-conscious, so I pulled a black cardigan on over the top.
As promised, Alice dropped me off, confirming with me that Jasper would definitely pick me up later – I just had to text or call him when.
I took a breath and buzzed Naomi's flat. "Hey, it's Leilani," I spoke into the intercom.
"Leiiiii," Naomi giggled.
The door unlocked with a buzz and I opened it, wondering how much they'd already had.
I knocked on her door, fiddling with the straps of the plastic bag in my hands which had all my alcohol in.
The door flung open. "Leilani!" Naomi wrapped her arms around my neck. She was very warm. "I was worried you wouldn't show."
"Of course I came," I told her. "You guys are some of my only friends here." I laughed, nervous as what their reaction to that would be. It sounded pretty pathetic.
"Oh no," Naomi pulled away, leading me inside. "That's ok. You seem so cool, that's why we wanted to come out with you."
They thought I was cool? Confused, but happy from the compliment, I smiled, slipping off my heels in the hallway.
Katelyn waved to me, grinning, as I entered the kitchen. She was sitting at a round table covered in various bottles and some playing cards spread out. "Now you're here we can do Ring of Fire!"
"Ok," I said, taking a seat and getting out the drinks.
A few rounds later, I opened my third bottle of cider. I was starting to feel something, my fears at the back of my mind. "You guys know Fuck the Bus?"
"No?" Naomi giggled.
"What is that?" asked Katelyn, pouring some vodka into a glass.
"Oh, this game is how you get fucked." I laughed, setting up the cards.
In the bathroom I discovered how drunk I really was. Listening to the music coming from the kitchen, I swayed on the porcelain throne, humming. My hands and feet were numb, and I felt really warm, but it was good. I was excited to go out, to drink more, and to dance with my new friends.
"Guys," I said as I re-entered the kitchen, "I've been so depressed for like four months now. I'm so glad you two invited me."
"Oh my god, of course, Leilani." Naomi stood up, using a chair for support so she wouldn't fall over on her way to hug me. "I think it's so sad you've been going through that."
"I even tried to- to-," I swallowed, my eyes prickling with tears.
Naomi held me tighter.
"Been there," Katelyn said from across the room, raising a glass towards me. "You'll get through it." She put her drink down and held up her wrists. I couldn't see, but she must have had faint scars on her arms.
"How?" I asked.
"Things change." Katelyn answered, taking another sip.
"I think there's time for one more, before the uber gets here." Naomi smiled, tipping some more rum into my glass. I wasn't paying much attention as she filled it, adding a small amount of mixer.
I took a sip and hissed. "Jesus!"
She giggled, giving me a sneaky look.
"You have to have it. I can't drink this." I put it down in front of her.
"No!" she cried, pushing her chair out.
"I think that's fair," Katelyn grinned.
Pressured, Naomi took a sip, wincing. "Ugh," she shuddered.
Laughing, we almost missed Naomi's phone buzzing on the table as the driving was calling from outside.
The three of us grabbed our bags, shoes and jackets, rushing outside. It was so cold on my face and legs through my black tights. I felt slightly sick, taking deep breaths.
Time felt like it was moving so fast as we reached the city. Katelyn and Naomi were chatting and laughing, while I watched the lights going past out the window.
In what felt like only a few minutes we had arrived and were queuing outside a club. I could hear the loud, heavy music already and started swaying to it. We showed our IDs to security and they let us in.
Katelyn took a few steps ahead and stopped, turning with a huge smile on her face. "I love this song!" she yelled over the music.
The three of us started dancing. I felt myself getting lost in the bass, reaching my hands up to the ceiling and moving my body to the song. Something didn't feel right.
"I'm going to get a drink," I told the girls, heading towards the bar.
They put a straw into a bottle and handed it to me. I began sipping the drink, dancing through the crowd and back towards my friends. I stopped.
They were both dancing with a group of other people. Katelyn leaned over and spoke into a guys' ear, clearly knowing him. What was I doing there? With two girls from Uni that I barely knew? I had hoped drinking would help me feel better, but I didn't feel great at all. Suddenly I was thinking of Evie and how I should be there with her. But that could never happen. Evie was six hours away.
Why wasn't I strong enough to work, to have stayed as her housemate? She must hate me. What kind of friend was I?
I sipped my drink, heading towards the bathroom. There was an empty wall which I leant against, listening to the music. I could feel the vibrations going through me, hitting against my aching heart. I touched where it hurt, rubbing a little to try and get rid of the pain, despite it never helping.
Suddenly I was crying in the dim light, not caring that no one would hear me anyway.
"Leilani," Naomi touched my shoulder. "What's wrong?"
I couldn't speak, hugging her and sobbing onto her shoulder.
"Let's go to the bathroom," she said in my ear.
I let her lead me there, one arm around me. It was a little quieter in the bathroom, though the music was still clear.
"What's going on? Did you drink too much?" she asked me, eyes full of worry.
I shook my head. "Everything just feels wrong. I'm such a bad friend."
"No, you're not." She hugged me again. "We're having a great time!"
Another sob came out and I clumsily wiped my face with my hands. "Oh, no, my make-up." I looked in the mirror, seeing it had smudged a bit.
Naomi handed me a tissue from the pocket of her black jumpsuit.
I tried to fix the smeared eye shadow, licking my finger and touching my face, then dabbing at it with the tissue.
"Come back out," Naomi said. "You look amazing and no one will care."
Sighing, I put the tissue inside my bag. I'd probably need it again.
Naomi rubbed my back. "Come on, I'll buy you another drink."
I nodded. "Thanks."
We danced to countless songs, gradually moving closer to the speakers where the beats became harder. Everything was swaying as I moved to the music. And then a song came on that I recognised. One that I remembered dancing to a year ago at Uni. It had felt so good, I'd felt so good.
I'd never feel like that again. I'd never be that happy again now that I was so messed up. Now that my brain was broken. I was broken. And there was no point putting it off any longer. Things had gotten to be the best they'd ever been, and now it was over.
"I'm going," I waved to Naomi and Katelyn, who looked confused but I didn't stop.
I almost stumbled over, putting my arms out to keep my balance as I turned around. Someone bumped into me, a small splatter of a mysterious drink hitting my arm. Typical.
They took a minute to get my jacket, so I waited at the desk, leaning against it.
"Thanks for coming," Katelyn touched my arm.
Naomi was standing next to her. "How are you getting home?"
"Getting picked up," I held my phone up in case they couldn't hear me. My throat felt scratchy.
The person at the desk handed my jacket to me and I pulled it on, leaving the club. Once I was outside, I knew I should be texting Jasper. Instead I was finding Evie's number and calling her.
It was two in the morning so no wonder she didn't pick up. Logically, I knew that, but still I burst into tears, sobbing in the street. I stepped back, leaning against the wall so things would stop spinning so much.
"Leilani!" Naomi had her arm around me as I sobbed. "Who's picking you up."
"Jasper," I mumbled slower than normal, sliding down the wall. My phone was in my hand, the contacts still open.
"Oh!" she grabbed my shoulders so I wouldn't fall, lowering me down. "Yeah, just sit tight."
I tapped Jaspers name, opening up a new message which I wanted to be a polite question of could he pick me up please. What came out was a lot of typos. I groaned, holding my phone out to Naomi. "Can you fix it, please?"
She laughed, taking my phone and hopefully sending a better message. Suddenly she was giving the phone back to me.
"Thank you," I took my phone in one hand, grabbing hers with the other. "I'm sorry about tonight. I'm so sorry." Unstoppable tears started pouring down my cheeks.
"God, it's fine!" she snapped.
I looked at her, my heart taking a stab. She had been so nice to me the whole night. No wonder she was annoyed at me now, having messed up everything. I couldn't even have one normal night.
Sniffing, I turned away, starting to wish I hadn't come at all.
"Leilani!" Jasper.
Fuck, he was going to hate me as well. I sobbed even more.
"What happened?" I heard him ask Naomi.
"Too much to drink," she replied. I felt her hand on my shoulder. "Goodnight," she said, before disappearing.
I tried to stand up, but it was so difficult with my eyes blurred from tears, and nothing staying still. My hands slid on the bricks, the rough and cold stinging my skin. "I'm sorry," I mumbled, unable to focus my eyes on anything.
"Don't worry, darlin'. Everything's alright." I felt his hands on my elbows, steadying me as I stood. "Can you walk?"
I took a step and stumbled, falling onto him. Jasper held my waist so I wouldn't fall over, waiting for me to steady my footing.
"I can carry you," he offered.
"Yes," I said, leaning against him.
With ease, Jasper lifted me up into his arms. I put my own around his neck, resting my head on his shoulder. Another tear spilled over and I sniffed.
"Leilani, it's alright. You've had too much to drink and I'm taking you home now."
"Everyone hates me," I whimpered.
"No, they don't." Jasper tried to assure me.
I didn't believe him. "Yes, Naomi is pissed because I'm so drunk. And you're looking after me. And I don't have a job. And I don't work hard enough." I cried.
"What are you talking about?" Jasper said. "You're working really hard to catch up, and I love looking after you. It helps me pass the time."
I scoffed. "There's so much better things you could be doing."
"Leilani, listen to me. There's nothing else I'd rather be doing."
I stopped crying, burying myself in Jasper's shoulder. A minute later he put me down next to a black car. He opened the door so I could get inside. I slumped back in the seat, as he closed the door, pulling the seatbelt across.
My eyes were closed for most of the way back, only opening again when I started feeling sick. I really didn't want to throw up, but knew it might happen since I'd had so much. I tried counting how many drinks I'd had in my head, unable to remember the precise number.
"Jasper," I said when he stopped the car in my driveway.
"Yeah?" he looked at me.
I had lolled my head to the side to look over at him in the driver's seat. "You know how I feel. All the time."
Jasper nodded. "Yeah."
"Sorry it hurts, so much." My voice lowered to a whisper. "Sorry I haven't taken it away with me."
He put a hand on my knee. "Don't ever think like this. If I had to choose between that pain, or to have you missing from my life, I'd take the pain every time."
I put a hand on my mouth, crying. My other hand, I rested on top of his.
"It's so hard, I know. But it's temporary. I promise."
I sniffed. "Ok," I breathed.
"Ok," Jasper nodded once. The next second he was opening my door for me.
With shaking hands and legs, I slowly stood up. Jasper helped me, putting his arm around me as we started towards the house.
My stomach did not agree with that, a wave of dizziness and nausea hitting me. I turned away towards an empty flowerbed, put one hand on the fence and vomited. Mostly it was on the soil, though I could see some of it down the fence, glistening in the streetlight. I shivered.
"Uh," Jasper didn't seem sure what to do. He had probably never been in that situation before.
I breathed heavily, catching my breath and spitting out the last of the sick. At least I felt a little better. "Fuck," I whispered.
Jasper stepped towards me and started rubbing my back.
"Sorry again," I said, letting go of the fence.
"Stop apologising." Jasper started pulling me away. "Let's get you inside."
"Wait, I have to clean that up. My parents will see!"
"It's fine, I'll do it."
"You will not!" I turned around, looking at him in horror.
"Leilani-," Jasper started, no doubt about to convince me to just go inside and lie down.
I ignored him, looking around. "Watering can," I said, striding towards the side of the house. I grabbed it, glad there was some water still inside, and hurried back towards the scene of the crime.
It didn't do much for the soil, but at least I could get it off the fence. Then I bent down nearby, grabbing a fistful of cleaner soil and started sprinkling it over.
Jasper laughed quietly.
"What?" I asked, "Does it look bad?"
"It will pass, I think," he touched my shoulders, trying to get me to stand up.
"Hopefully better than my depression," I joked.
"Come on, darlin'," Jasper pulled me to his side. "Let's get you to bed."
My longest chapter so far - hope you liked it :)