WHEN YOU MAKE PLANS, FATE LAUGHS

Summary: Wherein our OC begrudgingly accepts that she's Fate's Chew Toy, Uchiha Itachi will never be anything but infuriatingly loveable, and she really needs to start getting used to occasionally having a penis. She chooses the name CT (Chewie to her friends... if she ever dares to tell anyone), and ponders the dubious ethics of Orochimaru's body-switching jutsu.

Also, is it really incest if you weren't related in your past lives?

Does being in love with your older brother still count as incestuous if your current body is asexual? She honestly isn't sure whether that makes her memories of marriage to his alternates more or less awkward. Because really, ew.

This prologue is unfinished; I'm not happy with the rest of it yet, while I'm happy with this bit as is. I'm posting it now along with some excerpts because I'd had to post it in advance on AO3, so I'm adding it here as well.

I should probably note that I haven't entirely made up my mind yet about whether or not the Uchiha will be massacred in this. I have a basic outline for what will happen if it goes either way, though I'm leaning towards exploring the comic potential of keeping them around to witness Sasuke's rapidly deteriorating sanity as he juggles the many, many reincarnation-related issues he's having with trying to save them; and get their reactions to his decision to raise Senju Tobirama from the dead to Fix All The Things.

However, I'm also quite tempted to explore Sasuke's reaction to having the massacre happen anyway, so that he can raise Tobirama to go after Danzou afterwards, and make very sure that Hiruzen Wishes He'd Stayed Retired.

Either way, he'll make sure that Tobirama Regrets Everything.

While this is largely intended to be a Black Comedy, I do intend to explore a lot of serious themes in it in a serious way. While I freely admit to wanting to write this because I found the premise hilarious, that isn't why I've been working on it ahead of schedule. (At least not entirely.)

While I tried to ignore it like I have the other plot bunnies I'm sitting on for this series until I've finished the four stories I already have outlined, I keep getting sidetracked with ideas for this one because it has the potential to be as important to CT's overall character development and growth as it does to be entertaining.

While she deals with a lot of major things in each of her lives, there are a few reoccuring issues that keep getting covered with humour and shoved to the side, because there are always more important things to deal with and despite her poor coping skills she's still functional. Despite writing this story to be humorous, I'm hoping to have CT make some serious revelations and come to terms with them in this. Part of this is due to the fact that when she awakens in this life, everything is just "too much" for her to deal with and her coping skills are now hindering more than helping; meaning she's no longer functional.

This is why the decision of whether the Uchiha Clan lives or dies in this fic is still up in the air - while stopping the Uchiha massacre is what she's trying to focus on dealing with, it's not actually the point of this fic at all. The point is for her to be forced to face the problems caused by the inappropriate coping skills she keeps using, and to finally begin to deal with them and come up with healthier plans for the future.

While I'm intending for it to read a bit like a comedy of errors, it's largely as a way to offset the very serious themes CT's going to be dealing with. The survival of the Uchiha Clan as a whole - while very important to her personally - is completely irrelevant to the true plot. She's going to have to deal with these issues whether or not she saves them - saving them will just make her less likely to admit she needs help, while not saving them will just give her plenty of additional issues.

I gave in and started working on it because there's a big gap in character development between the third and fourth stories I had, and I couldn't find a way to bridge it without dragging out either one. This lets me deal with that perfectly. The amusement factor is just a bonus.

I listed the various themes I intend to explore in this fic at the end. While not explicitly stated below, Mental Health Issues will also be a feature.

Prologue – Realizing You're Fate's Chew Toy

Disclaimer: I own neither the world, nor the characters within it, save for any OCs.

My fourth life was as shocking in its own way as the first two had been, despite being as prepared for reincarnation as I could be at that point.

After the details I noticed during my third rebirth resulted in my being better adjusted to my new life at first, I promised myself I would pay as much attention as I could manage during my rebirths from then on. So despite the screaming and the trauma, I was desperately trying to aim my focus towards my environment; straining to absorb as many details as possible in the few seconds I had.

The combined pleased surprised and despairing disappointment of hearing a Konohan dialect pronounce me male almost prevented me from hearing the next words. A voice said, "His name is Uchiha Sasuke."

Upon hearing that particular bit of misfortune, my last thought was merely hysterical gibberish.

Despite my initial unhappiness, I was a generally cheerful baby. I was surrounded at all times by people my subconscious considered precious, and I adored them. An infant brain couldn't grasp what could possibly be distressing about being related to people I loved so much, so I felt no distress whatsoever.

My past history with other versions of Itachi aside, I had little to be distressed about. I was much loved; and subconsciously I knew how lucky I was.

Fugaku might not have been the most expressive or demonstrative of fathers, but I knew subconsciously that he treasured his children in his own way.

Mikoto was my idol during my first rebirth, and my love and admiration for her remained steadfast; just as her love and care did for her children.

Itachi was Itachi – my heart, my soul; my joy, and the center of my existence. My one constant; and he was utterly devoted to me. I was his precious otouto; his light, and his reason for fighting. His love and affection for me kept me in a constant state of happiness and contentment.

It would be years before I understood the difference in our devotion to each other. I had no way of knowing then how something that brought me such joy could become the source of such pain.

Excerpt 1:

"What are you up to, little monkey?" Shisui's cheerful voice broke through my childish reverie as I worked intently on creating the perfect flower crown.

My head shot up and I looked around wildly, seeking out my favourite cousin.

"Shisui-nii!" I called out joyfully. "I'm making a bridal wreath!" I lifted my floral headpiece for his perusal with a beaming smile.

"I… see." His voice sounded oddly strangled, though I was a little too preoccupied to dwell on it. I couldn't help my anxious peering around him, hoping to spot my beloved Nii-san near his friend.

"It's… ah… lovely, Sasuke-chan," he informed me, lips twitching.

"I'm gonna wear it when I marry Itachi-nii," I informed him seriously. Shisui abruptly started coughing.

I blinked up at him in concern, noticing his face seemed fairly red, but he waved me off.

"Are you now?" he wheezed. "You plan on marrying Itachi, do you?"

I nodded decisively. "Yup! When I grow up I'm gonna be Itachi's wife!"

Shisui burst into another coughing fit, and I frowned at him, worried.

"Are you alright, Shisui-nii?"

"Fine, fine," he chuckled. "But Sasuke, you know you're both boys, right?"

"No, we aren't!" I scowled at him. "I'm not a boy; I'm a girl!"

I nodded firmly. "So I can so be Nii-san's bride!"

Shisui raised his eyebrows. "That's not quite how boys and girls work, Sasuke-chan."

"But I am a girl!" I burst out. "I know I am!" I sent him my fiercest glare, which only seemed to send him doubling over into another coughing fit.

I crossed my arms. "It's why I don't like baths; my body feels wrong, and when I'm naked I have to see it. But I am a girl."

Shisui straightened up, a frown greasing his brow. "Wait, really?"

I tipped my head to one side, frowning back at him in confusion. "Hai," I replied.

Itachi suddenly dropped from the tree branches above us, landing in front of me in a graceful crouch.

"Aniki!" I shrieked, my face lighting up with joy. I threw myself into his arms, and buried my face in his neck as he caught me.

"Otouto," he murmured. "Or should I call you imouto?"

My head jerked up, and I searched his face frantically for any sign of humour or disapproval. He simply stared back at me with complete sincerity, and I nodded, my throat strangely tight.

He gave me a gentle smile. "I think you make a very pretty girl, imouto," he informed me.

I glowed.

My proposal was forgotten in light of the revelation of my gender dysphoria.

Excerpt 2:

I buried my face in my arms, wrapped around my knees. I wanted to scream so badly that the feeling was choking me. A desperate surge of need rose inside me, and I clenched my eyes tightly.

"I need a drink," I croaked. "Oh, Kami; I can't do this sober!"

I refused to think about my family. "Especially not – NO. I won't – I can't - I'll go mad!"

A sob tore its way out of my throat; a broken, wounded noise I tried desperately to smother. I hiccupped miserably, remembering against my will my toddler-self's stubborn conviction that I would grow up to be Itachi's wife.

Itachi.

A wave of grief flowed through me; so potent it nearly rendered me unconscious. I shuddered, gasping for breath under the force of it.

"What am I going to do?"

I wept helplessly, my mind ricocheting between two incomprehensible horrors. The stomach-churning reality of being my lover's otouto was only outweighed by the terror of what had become of the original Sasuke.

"How can I live like this?"

Excerpt 3:

Danzo looked around the council chambers, and felt an inexplicable shiver of foreboding. He was unsure what could possibly have caused it – all of his plans appeared to be progressing beautifully, and anyone who entertained any suspicions of him had been swiftly and effectively muzzled.

He frowned; wanting to dismiss the feeling as paranoia, but too used to trusting himself to do so completely. However he refused to allow anything to distract him during these oh-so-important proceedings.

As the meeting opened, he began to address the assembly, confident that there was nothing which could upset any of his plots, when the doors were flung open with a bang.

He turned to face the intruder, fury etched in every line of his face and with every intention of putting the upstart in their place. But when he caught sight of just who it was he'd started to berate, all the blood promptly drained from his face.

Tobirama-sensei stood in the doorway, arms crossed and wearing a fierce, disapproving scowl.

"So," he said, using a low, dangerous voice which sent shivers down the backs of his former students – especially considering the disappointed expression he seemed to be levelling at each of them.

"Would anyone care to explain to me just what, exactly you idiots thought you were doing?" he demanded.

Danzo swallowed, suddenly feeling his sense of dread increase.

Something told him that this meeting would not go anything like he might have hoped. That, in fact, his old sensei would most decidedly not be happy with him; and he would have much to regret by the time the day was over.

Never had he wanted to curse an Uchiha so badly as that moment.

A/N: The themes/issues this fic deals with are:

Gender Dysphoria - While the first story touched upon her experiences with gender dysphoria, she was not entirely male, and soon had the comfort of knowing her body was meant to be female if not for her father playing mad scientist. She was able to focus on the female side of being intersex and largely ignore the differences once she was living as female. She then spent the second largely in denial, before transitioning and pretending it never happened. In the third she was born female and spent it focusing on other issues. So this is the first life where she's actually going to be dealing with her gender dysphoria instead of simply denying reality to make it go away. Dealing with this is an important part of maintaining her mental health, and she has to do it here, where there is no way for her to transition that isn't an illusion, and she can't simply create a way herself in less than a decade or more of dedicated research and study.

Obsession/Fixation - While she has honestly fallen in love with two different versions of Itachi, she's also allowed herself to become fixated on him in what could potentially become a very unhealthy way. This life is less about torturing her and more about forcing her to face up to her obsession, and accept that she can't regain control of her existance just by fixating on maintaining a romantic relationship with a single person and their various alternates throughout the multiverse. It does this by putting her in a situation where that person is still an important part of her life, but she never can or will have the relationship with them that she wants, and forcing her to deal. While an Itachi/Sasuke pairing may work in fanfiction, in reality incest is extremely unhealthy and this shows her dealing with her obsession with that understanding.

Identity - One of the things that keeps causing her problems is that she's still clinging very hard to her original identity as being her "true" identity; which is a problem because it ignores everything she's done and gone through and the person she's become. She deals with the question of "Who am I?" and tries to accept that her experiences are adding to the person she is, rather than diminishing it. This also ties into the next theme below.

Sexuality - Again, this was touched on the first story, but she mostly blamed the gender issues as the source of her problems and ignored it otherwise. In the second it was a non-issue due to involuntary enforced celibacy - though she was still grieving when she learned about the Vow, so she was mainly relieved she wouldn't have to struggle with guilt from moving on, and refused to acknowledge anything else. It was equally unproblematic in the third since she was closer to her original body chemistry. Here, she's actually forced to face the reality of her body chemistry changing in her new life and the effects it has on her sexuality. This is important because part of her original identity was as a highly sexual person; while Tobirama's DNA impacted her sex drive negatively in her first rebirth, she still had one even if she was technically Grey-A. My Uchiha Sasuke is almost always a sex-repulsed, aromantic-asexual - so having his body chemistry impacts her, and she needs to deal with the confusion and conflict from that. She needs to accept that sex isn't that important to who she is - that she can be herself without wanting it and that's okay.

Alcoholism - She flirted with alcoholism a bit in her original life, but moved past it; in the first story she could just emphasize a bit with others because of her past. In the second, she was too depressed and traumatized to realise that she had crossed the line; while she cared deeply for her loved ones there she also spent most of that life either drinking or in denial. In the third she didn't have access to alcohol, so she had to learn to cope without it. In this life she becomes a full-blown child alcoholic, and is forced to recognize that she is Not Okay. She's forced to get help, and eventually acknowledge she needs it.

Denial - CT has gotten very good at lying to herself about things that her mind refuses to deal with. While this has helped her cope with a lot of things she wouldn't have been able to deal with so well otherwise, she used to notice that she was doing it. She knew she was lying to herself; she just chose to ignore it because she was afraid that forcing herself to accept reality would drive her stark raving mad. Eventually she doesn't even realise she's doing it. This breaks down a bit here and she's forced to relearn self-honesty.

Trauma - She has gone through lots of trauma in every single one of her lives, and while she's dealt with some of it there's a lot more that she's been supressing, pushing down, to the side... eventually it's all going to come out. She has a lot of anger and pain to deal with.