Wednesday, May 11, 1977
"I'm bored," Sirius announced, finishing the last bite of his lunch and pushing his plate away.
"Me too," James agreed. "It's been a rather boring day, hasn't it?"
"It's been a rather boring week."
"That's not true, those two Ravenclaws had that very public fight the other day," Mary pointed out. "That was fairly entertaining."
"Oh yeah!" Sirius said. "I can't believe I forgot about that. When he said he couldn't believe he'd actually thought he'd fallen in love with someone who only got an 'Acceptable' on the Charms O.W.L., and she slapped him in the face and told him he doesn't know nearly as much about the Goblin rebellions as he thinks - that was classic."
"Ravenclaws really know how to insult each other," Remus remarked.
"I wish they'd have another fight," Peter said. "It would liven things up a bit."
"I don't," Lily said. "When she chucked a book at him, I was walking by and almost got hit with it."
"Was that before or after he said he'd rather date Moaning Myrtle than be forced to spend another second with such an ignorant tart?" James asked.
"He said that because she threw the book," Lily explained. "He was horrified she would treat a book with such disrespect."
"They're back together, though, aren't they?" Mary asked. "I saw them snogging at break yesterday. I suppose they enjoy the drama." Suddenly, her eyes widened and she reached over to touch Sirius's shoulder. "I've just had a brilliant idea to cure our boredom."
"Oh?" Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Do tell."
"Let's stage an argument. The argument to end all arguments. We can make the fight those Ravenclaws had look like a polite disagreement." She looked at him, her face lit with anticipation.
"I'm in," Sirius said, grinning. "Although this would definitely give people the impression that we're dating. Do we care?"
"I don't care at all, to be honest," Mary replied. "I've had much worse things said about me."
"I guess I don't really care either," Sirius mused.
"People already do think you're dating," James added. "I get asked about it all the time."
"Well, then I suppose it doesn't matter anyway," Sirius said. "All right, what should our fight be about?"
"Hmmmm." Mary twirled a lock of hair around her finger as she thought. "How about you're cheating on me?"
"That's rather rude of me. Who am I cheating on you with, then?"
"Moaning Myrtle! You ran into her in the prefect's bathroom, and she liked what she saw," James suggested with a wink.
"How could I cheat with a ghost?" Sirius asked. "That's not even physically possible. I'd just, like, go right through her." He shuddered.
"Well, it would be more of a one-way thing," James conceded. "She would probably just, I dunno, watch you."
"James Potter, what in the name of Merlin is wrong with you? This is the most disturbing conversation I've ever had the misfortune to be a part of," Lily complained, grimacing.
"I wish I could honestly say it's the most disturbing conversation we've ever had, but I know we've had worse," Remus said with a wry smile.
"What if we don't name a specific girl?" Sirius suggested. "Actually, what if there are multiple, unnamed girls, so everyone's looking around wondering who the lucky girls are that get to experience all of this." He put a hand to his chest and grinned.
"Bloody hell, you might be the most arrogant person I've ever met," Lily said, looking at him incredulously.
"That's pretty inconsiderate to say, Evans, when James is sitting right there," Sirius said. "He's held that title for ages, and now you're just going to take it away from him?"
"Fine, I stand corrected. You are the second most arrogant person I've ever met," Lily amended.
"Thank you. Now, Macdonald, I'm fine with being a dirty cheater, but I think you've got to be at fault as well, so it's a fair fight, know what I mean?" He tapped a finger against his jaw as he thought. "What if I accuse you of giving me a box of Bertie Botts that you tampered with so it only has gross flavors?"
Mary laughed. "That's an oddly specific thing to just come up with off the top of your head," she remarked.
"That's because I didn't come up with it off the top of my head," Sirius explained. "We did that to someone for April Fool's first or second year. Anyway, what if I also accuse you of filling my pockets with cat treats so Mrs. Norris will follow me around everywhere?"
She raised her eyebrows at him. "Let me guess - you've done that before as well?"
Sirius grinned mischievously but didn't answer. "All right, should we plan out anything else, or just sort of wing it?"
"Wing it, I think," Mary said. "Before we start, though, I think we should agree not to take anything said during this fake argument personally." "Agreed," Sirius said. "I think we should also agree that when we inevitably storm off, because what's an argument without a good storm off, we should meet up by the broom cupboard for a make-up snog."
"Yeah, all right," Mary said. "Although does it count as a make-up snog if we're not actually arguing?"
"Semantics, Macdonald," Sirius said, waving his hand dismissively. "Anyway, would you like to start? You are, after all, the one being cheated on."
"I'd love to." She straightened and cleared her throat. "You absolute fucking arsehole, Sirius Black!" she shouted, crossing her arms and glaring at him. "Did you really think you could cheat on me with three different girls and I wouldn't find out?"
People sitting nearby turned to stare. One first year girl sat gaping at them, her fork paused halfway to her mouth.
"What was I supposed to do, when you gave me a box of Bertie Botts with only bad flavors in it? What kind of psychopath does that?" Sirius shot back.
"I'm the psychopath?" Mary slid out of her chair and stood staring at Sirius with the full force of her pretend rage. "You're the one who wears a leather jacket no matter what the weather is. Doesn't your body adapt to temperature, for fuck's sake?"
"Oh yeah?" Sirius stood and faced Mary, his handsome features drawn into a haughty expression. "Speaking of my jacket, I know you put cat food in all the pockets so bloody Mrs. Norris would follow me around. I got three detentions because of you!"
"It serves you right, you arrogant tosser! Was it really necessary to shag girls from all four houses at once?"
Several girls at the Ravenclaw table turned to stare at them, then began whispering amongst themselves animatedly.
"How else was I supposed to decide which house is best at shagging?" Sirius argued. "Don't be jealous, Macdonald, it's not a good look for you. I have a sexual appetite that can't be satisfied by just one person."
"So I'm not enough for you?" Mary demanded. "Who else would let you eat treacle tart off her arse while wearing a hippogriff costume?"
Upon hearing this question, a boy at the Hufflepuff table stared down at his treacle tart in horror, then pushed it away in disgust.
"Oh, well if we're airing bedroom secrets for the entire student body to hear, we may as well talk about the time you asked me to spank you with Remus's copy of The Great Gatsby!"
Remus sighed and looked from Sirius to Mary, completely unimpressed.
Mary's eyes widened. "Or what about the time we shagged in the prefect's bathroom and we realized Moaning Myrtle was watching us, and instead of thinking it was creepy, you liked it!" she shot back.
James gave her a surreptitious thumbs-up, thrilled she had found a way to include his suggestion.
"McGonagall is heading this way," Sirius said under his breath, jerking his head in the direction of the staff table. "We should storm off in a second." He raised his voice again. "I don't know what's wrong with that! She's been dead fifty years, the least we can do is give her a show, and if you're not on board with that, then we're through!"
"Fine with me," Mary shouted. "I don't want to date someone who likes when ghosts watch him shag, thank you very much! Good luck eating treacle tart off of Myrtle's arse, and don't come crying to me when it just falls through her ghostly fucking body. You've broken my heart, Sirius Black!" She grabbed Peter's goblet of pumpkin juice from the table and threw it into Sirius's face, then stomped out of the Great Hall.
"Why the fuck am I always getting pumpkin juice thrown in my face?" Sirius demanded, knocking the empty goblet onto the floor and kicking it for good measure, before stalking away after Mary.
When he caught up with her in front of the broom cupboard, they looked at each other for a moment before dissolving into hysterical laughter. Mary leaned against Sirius, struggling to stay upright because of how hard she was laughing. Sirius had to catch his breath before he could finally speak.
"But why didn't you tell me you were going to throw pumpkin juice in my face?" he asked, still slightly breathless. "I would have done a charm to protect my bloody jacket. Now it's all sticky."
"I wasn't planning on it, it just came to me in the heat of the moment," Mary explained, prodding the juice-spattered sleeve of his jacket. "Sorry about your jacket, but it did add dramatic flair, don't you think?"
"Yeah, I suppose it did," Sirius conceded. "And you missed it, I threw the goblet on the floor and then kicked it, so that just added to the drama."
"To be fair, I didn't think we were going to be revealing actual secrets. What we do with Remus's books should stay behind closed doors. He'll never forgive me."
Sirius started laughing again. "Bloody hell, I'd forgotten I said that. But wait, that was only because you said the thing about the treacle tart! That was one time, Macdonald, one time! And what was that rubbish you added about a hippogriff costume?"
"I dunno, it just felt right," Mary replied, grinning. "Seems like the sort of fucked up shit you'd be into, doesn't it?"
Sirius raised his eyebrows. "You're the one who thought of it. You sure it's not your secret fantasy?" He glanced at his watch. "We still have a bit of time before class." He opened the door to the broom cupboard and ushered her inside. "Come on. I can make hippogriff sounds if you like. Actually, hang on, what sound does a hippogriff make?"
"I think they sound a bit like Moaning Myrtle," Mary replied, pulling the door shut behind them.