Chapter 18: Coming Out With Self Doubt

JEAN navigated throughout the disoriented area. She didn't know where she was as she aimlessly walked around in the misty place. Fog in the color of imperial red manifested in front of her.

As the telepathic girl stepped in what seemed to be a neverending corridor, Jean came to a realization when she saw the imagery flashing before her like a giant cinema screen.Jean let out a breath of amazement. She was inside her own head.The redhead didn't care to rationalize how she was doing this, and immediately decided to discover the depths of her subconscious. Maybe it was after furthering her grip on her telepathy that she was finally able to understand herself and find out who she was.Passing by her most recent memories, Jean could only sigh once she'd realized where she possibly was. A captive in a russian secret base.. But her disappointment over the present didn't stop her from continuing her path down memory lane.A wide grin came up to her as she walked and surpassed her earliest memory; the memory of first laying eyes on Eleven in the woods.One more step, and she'd finally find what she was looking for."No, no, no, no!" Jean's eyes turned glossy when she'd hit a wall. A literal wall that was invisible to the naked eye, it was more like a force field.Something was keeping her out. She didn't know that she was keeping herself out.Jean's lower lip quivered, her eyebrows scrunched in frustration as hot tears descended down her pale cheeks. "Please, please, let me see." She softly tapped against the see through wall with the palm of her hand, her voice trembling."I wanna see!" As time passed, Jean's crying grew more intense and her anger overtook her grief. Her light tapping against the force field morphed into raging bangs, her fingers clenching onto fists as she slammed them against it. "Let me in! LET ME IN! LET ME-"Before the eighteen year old could howl even further, she was sucked into the opposite side of wall.Jean gasped, her breathing picked up in surprise at what was happening; misty images manifested itself before her, and each one of them dragged her into it almost forcefully."You wanna come in? Come all the way in." A man whom she couldn't place, but looked really familiar, was standing in front of her, up close.

"Don't forget what you did." He bit out. His face was stern but grief was flashing in his eyes.

Jean could see another scene flash by her, this time it was a child. A young girl. Her hair was as red as hers and her eyes were the same shade of green. She was sitting in a moving car."Quiet!" The little girl yelled, covering her ears and closing her eyes shut. Then the whole vehicle she was in flew in the air out of nowhere.Once Jean blinked, she was brought back to the original place where the older man stood in front of her."I'm sorry, Jean. But my whole world died that day. And... you went with it." He admitted, his voice trembling.Jean could feel the tears of rejection gathering in her eyes and clouding her vision, she tried to hold them back but was unable to. Trying to blink them away but once she did, she was dragged into another portion of her memories.

"Whose blood is that?" A man with an accent queried, narrowing his eyes at her. Jean looked around the dark room where shadows played in its interior.The man grimly approached, clenching his jaw, tossing her an accusatory look. "On your shirt. Whose blood is it?"Hesitantly, Jean followed his line of sight and looked down to see she was wearing a wrinkled grey shirt, its center was stained with a big splash of red.Bloody red.

Was that really someone's blood?Jean began to hyperventilate at the thought of hurting someone. She wouldn't do that.Would she?"When I lose control... things happen, bad things. To people I love. And it scares me because-" This was what she could hear, but the words seemed to come out from a sobbing version of herself. Bile rising in her throat as she muttered those last words. "-it feels good."And then Jean was pushed away, out of that part of her head.The redhead collapsed to her knees, terrified breaths escaping from her chest, her heart pulsing overtime.The things she'd just witnessed left her body in a cold sweat and confused as to how horrific the imagery had been. She cried, they were too realistic for them to be nightmares. They were memories, her memories.She wanted out. Jean didn't want to be all alone in the maze that was her own mind. She was scared of herself."Jean?" Like an angel's tune, said girl heard a soft pitched voice utter her name. The redhead looked up from her misery wallowing and her face immediately lit up upon seeing the face of someone she always loved seeing.Jumping to her feet, Jean ran to the girl who seemed to be always rescuing her. But she wasn't sure if she was really there, a part of a memory or just a figment of her imagination."Eleven? Are you really here?" Jean breathed out, her gentle hands rose with subtlety to cup El's cheeks."Yes." El declared, smiling softly at the gesture. Eleven sure as hell needed that warmth after the hell she and the party went through.The brown haired girl was at Hopper's cabin with Mike and the rest. Still trying to find the flayed, but it seemed like they've vanished off the face of the earth. So, while she was cooped up in her room trying to find them, and the people outside still arguing about what to do next, El decided to deviate slightly. It's been two days since she'd seen her sister figure and it was safe to say that she was far more worried about Jean's safety than about finding Billy and the rest of the flayed. She just had to check up on her.So when the fourteen year old entered the Void to find Jean, she was instantly dragged to a place she didn't recognize. And she found that redheads's face drenched with tears."Are..we inside your head? What..is this place?" El softly asked, her brown eyes scanning the area.

Jean was evidently too preoccupied with gazing at her saving grace to realize where she'd been. She wasn't returned to that godawful long hazy corridor filled with misty memories. Instead, they were in a hallway, one that must've belonged to a large house. Jean made her way to the wooden wall and placed her hand against it. The entire hallway radiated such a warm aura as she looked around, her heart soothed by it.The place was all too familiar."I don't know. I keep having these memories. I see flashes. I think I had a life here." Jean hesitantly announced, eliciting the confused look on El's face."Are you okay? Why can't I find you?"Jean gasped at El's question, her mind going back to the original (and physical) predicament at hand. She, Steve and Robin were all probably prisoners waiting on execution. "Oh, my god! The Russians, they-they took us.""Russians?" Eleven repeated, her head tilting to the side, dark eyebrows furrowed in perplexity."Go to Hopper! Tell him to call the police or-or the military. Tell them to come get us from under the mall." Jean frantically said, hoping to god that they could be rescued in the nick of time.El shook her head. "You're not making sense.""Eleven, please!" Jean begged for her dear friend to focus, seeing that she was losing her attention. Eleven walked away from her, her footsteps echoed in the hallway as she stopped in front of a window high up on the wall. Eleven's curiosity was spiking as she saw something different outside. Instead of reflecting a greenery sight like the other windows, this particular one showed an entirely different sight."What is that?" El asked, making Jean follow her to see what it was.Outside the window there was..what looked like a cloud. A firey crimson cloud that swayed in waves outdoor. It was destroying every thing in its path."Nothing good." Jean breathed out, shaking her head, she sensed that the object was coming for her. It was the same one from her nightmares.This force wanted her, Jean could feel it. It craved her to the point where it didn't care what it wrecked in its way to reach her.

"Get out of here."

"What?"Jean grasped El's shoulder and telepathically pushed her out of her head. "Get out! NOW!"Eleven's scared face as she flew out of the corridor was all Jean could see before the walls crumbled and the glass windows shattered, the force attacking.The crimson cloud surrounded the red haired telepath in a field that didn't contain air nor even gravity. It made her float around, controlling her every movement just before it rushed to enter her.Jean screamed; she could feel her veins burning as the fire consumed and possessed every inch of her being, marking it as its own.In this moment of agony, she cried and cried. Jean wished for it all to stop and to just go away.And so, it did.

Jean Grey's eyelids snapped open, her head lashing backwards. Eyes blinded for a second by the bright lights fixated against her face. Once they adjusted, her green irises roamed as she tried to break free and get out of the chair she was bound to.

The redhead panicked, skimming the place around her, but a breath of relief was released from Jean once she saw Steve and Robin lying on the floor. "Guys? Where are we?" She asked, looking at them. They were chair-tied like herself, only their backs were to each other.

Hearing the girl's soft voice put both the Scoops employees at ease.

"Jean? Oh good you're up." Robin said with a breathy chuckle. "Do you think maybe you could lift us up and cut off our binds?" She asked, her tone gleaming with hope.

Puzzled at the blonde request, Jean narrowed her eyes, looking down at her own shackled form. "How? I'm as tied up as you guys are, if not more."

"You know.. Do it with your mind?" She drawled, her face turning grim in hesitation. She had hoped that Steve was wrong and that she could not only read minds, but also move things with hers.

"My what?"

"It's okay, Steve told me everything."

Steve shook his head.

"Well, I can't move things with my mind, I'm just telepathic." Jean clarified.

"Told ya." He chirped smugly at Robin. He tried to lift his head from the cold floor to try and see Jean's face, he'd honestly missed her. But he was unable to because his back was to her. He was jealous of Robin for being able to see her while he was stuck gazing at the wall. "Are you okay?"

Jean smiled at his concerned question and was quick to reply. "Yeah, I'm just a little lightheaded that's all."

"I gotta say, it was so awesome when you knocked out those two back there." Robin gushed, glad that Jean was finally awake so she'd be able to express her excitement. It felt surreal to meet someone with actual superpowers, let alone be friends with them.

"It really was." Steve agreed with a smile.

Everything came crashing down on Jean once they spoke of the earlier incident. "Right.."

Steve sensed the melancholy Jean's tone emitted, this wasn't the response he was expecting to their compliments. "What's wrong?" He asked, his dark eyebrows perking.

"That thing I did back there.." Jean gulped, recalling what she's seen in her head. The things she'd possibly done before losing her memories. Violence she must've committed was hinted to her by those flickers. Perhaps hurting those guards was just the beginning to her descent into losing control of a dark power she didn't know she possessed.

"It surged out of me like a tidal wave, and it almost killed them. I almost killed them." Hot tears were pooling in her pale eyes, and she desperately wanted to wipe them but was enable to due to her confines.

Robin snorted, unaware of Jean's distress. "To be honest, it would've been totally fine if you had."

Steve rolled his eyes at his coworker. "Robin,"

"Yeah?"

"You're not helping." He seriously indicated. The boy could sense Jean's pain, and it hurt him, too.

"Okay, I'll shut up." Robin mumbled, pursing her lips.

"Jean, it's okay." He affectionately soothed, surprising the blonde by his side.

The redhead shook her head, feeling the tears of frustration going down her face. "No, it's not. I shouldn't be able to do that."

What if she couldn't control herself from then on?What if she starts hurting people she loved because of it?

"But you can." Steve said, and Jean could practically hear the smile in the softness of his voice. "And despite what you're thinking, the fact won't change that you did it to save us."

Steve heard the shaky breath coming out of Jean's lips and he wished that he could see her face, look her in the eye and tell her it was all going to be okay. He hated the Russians assholes for binding him, and he also hated his own weakness at this very moment for not being able to break free of them. "Once we get outta here, we'll control it. So it's less tidal wave, more... ripple. Okay?"

Robin saw the downcast look on Jean's face dissipating as it was quickly changed by a tiny smile. Steve was smoother than she gave him credit for, Robin thought.

Jean thickly swallowed her doubts, and chose to believe in Steve's words just like he seemed to believe in her. "Okay."

Steve smiled to himself, trying to imagine the look on her face; probably her translucent green eyes glistening with tears, but the gentle tone of her voice indicated a rise of her lips into a small grin.

The blonde female was dead silent, listening to the two. She wondered if it was alright to hide herself when they were so open about themselves in front of her.

"If there's any consolation, I know what it's like to have a part of yourself that you can't change. To have to hide it from everyone else." She told Jean with a shaky voice.

The two of them readily accepted each other with all their flaws, maybe, just maybe they could accept her, too. Robin hoped.

Both Jean and Steve held similarly confused expressions at her declaration. "What do you mean?"

Taking a deep breath, Robin braced herself for a moment that could possibly change her friendship with the two.

"I'm..gay."

The brown haired guy and crimson haired girl went silent for a second, but it felt like an eternity to Robin who was already on edge to hear their reply.

A non-surprised Jean appreciated the fear and stress involved in unveiling something this big. Choosing to come out meant that she trusted them and wanted to share a significant portion of her life.

"Thanks for telling us. I know it may not have been easy to come out, and I really appreciate you trusting us enough to share this." Her voice was calm and steady, thoughts about her own predicament long gone as she focused on the nervous blonde.

Cocking her head to the side, Robin held an astonished look. Sure, she was relieved at her open-mindness, but it felt off that she so readily accepted it. "That's it?"

Jean nodded. "I mean..I kinda already knew?" She shamefully admitted.

"What, how?" Robin frantically asked, not necessarily offended, but shocked. She thought she'd hidden that part of herself pretty well. Did she give out a vibe?

"Telepath, remember?" When Jean didn't hear a reply, she was quick to explain. "I'm sorry. I know it's a huge invasion of privacy, but I sometimes just slip into it without meaning to."

It was especially hard for her to remain outside of people's psych when she'd just met them. Her ability having more of an instinctual approach to kickstart around strangers, and then she puts her foot down and asserts her distance away from their minds.

She licked her lips awaiting for a response from the other girl.

"No, no. It's fine. It just wasn't the reaction I was expecting." Robin said, chuckling in disbelief. She was panicking a little on the inside, to think that she could've been exposed on every thought that ran through her head was a tad terrifying.

"What were you expecting?" Jean queried, an amused smile rising on her lips.

Robin's smile stretched, but Jean could see the strain in it. The latter tried to gesture with her head to the grimly quiet Steve whose face neither of them could see. "Something like his." She said, her voice breaking a bit from nerves.

Jean tilted her head to the side.

"Steve, did you pass out over there?" Robin asked.

Clearing his throat, the boy was quick to reply. "No, no, I'm awake." He could sense from their eerie silence that they were waiting for his response.

Robin was anxious, but Jean knew wholeheartedly that Steve wouldn't say anything that would make her feel bad about her sexuality.

She knew what kind of guy he was, Steve was kindhearted and comforting. Even though he might have once called her a 'freak' the first time they met, he apologized and Jean had never encountered that side of him ever again. And afterwards she found him to be one of the most accepting people she could ever meet. Jean wasn't even sure that he could ever be mean to anyone.

A guy who always managed to put her heart at ease.

Steve sighed. "That's cool and all, but didn't you just say you had a massive crush on me back in high school?" His curious question seemed to make both girls gap at him.

"What?!"

"She said that?"

"No, I didn't!" Robin was quick to deny the accusation.

Steve furrowed his brows. Just now before Jean woke up, Robin admitted to always focusing on him in their history class. To the point where she even knew his breakfast routine. He was flattered, sure. But his heart belonged to someone else right now.

"Well, I might be paraphrasing but I'm pretty sure you admitted to stalking me in history class." He said, a playful note fluttering in his tongue.

"Wow, you are definitely way off base." Robin humorously replied, knowing that he was jesting to lighten the mood.

Jean smiled, but she was yet to know the entire story. "I feel like I missed out on a lot by passing out." She mumbled, prompting Steve's smile to widen.

"Trust me, you didn't." Robin replied to the redhead, then directed her next words to Steve. "And you, I was only obsessed with you because I was jealous.. She just wouldn't stop staring at you." Robin said, her perky voice dying out at the end.

"Mrs. Click?" Steve asked, confused.

"The history teacher, I presume?" Jean asked, raising a wondrous brow.

Robin sighed as she remembered the object of her unrequited affection. "Tammy Thompson." She corrected, frowning.

Steve pinched up his face, scanning his memory for someone with that name in their class. Then, recognition blinked in his eyes. It was the girl who couldn't hold a tune even if her life depended on it. "The lousy singer?"

"Hey!" Robin snapped, offended for her crush. But before any more words could be said, the door buzzed open."We'll discuss that later." She muttered to the guy stuck on her back.

Jean's head quickly turned to see an old man in uniform. His stoic face turned slightly amused upon seeing Robin and Steve on the floor.

"Where were you two going?" He asked in his thick accent, clicking his tongue and shaking his head. His eyes gleamed with evil mischief once they'd landed on Jean. "You're awake. Good." The officer said, intimidatingly walking up to her. Jean's face scrunched in disdain for the evil man. "We gathered that being with your comrades will make you a bit more talkative."

Jean averted her gaze from the Russian and instead looked at Steve who the other men lifted off the ground and repositioned in front of her. Her eyes widened at the sight of blood and bruises covering every inch of the skin of his face.

She winced, her heart aching at the sight. Once he'd met her gaze, he smiled softly. "They really beat the shit out of you, didn't they?" She joked.

Steve shrugged, a smile still drawn on his lips. "Oh, this? You should see the other guy."

The Officer rolled his eyes at the two, but smirked once he saw their skilled doctor walk in with his equipments. "Try telling the truth this time, yes? It will make your visit with Dr. Zharkov less painful."

Jean, Steve, and Robin widened their eyes at the sight of the gun-needle a man in all white was holding.

The brown haired teen felt his insides drop once he approached him. "Wait a second. Wait. Hold on. Okay! Wait, wait, wait! What is that thing?" He panicked, meeting Jean's frightened face.

"It will help you talk."

"Did you even clean that thing?!" Steve screeched.

Without needing his complaints, the sadist if a physician injected the drug into Steve's neck and enjoyed as the boy screamed at the excruciating pain.

"Stop that!" The redhead demanded, but no one looked at her. The military men seemed to be enjoying each and every moment of Steve's agony.

Jean exhaled sharply before closing her eyes, she wouldn't just sit by when the people she cared for were hurting. So she immediately went into as many russian minds there were in the room, and started to induce a painful ringing in their heads.

The doctor dropped the needle and held his head in agony as he and all of them screamed. Seeing the response, Steve and Robin chuckled victoriously, but their faces immediately fell when one of the men ran to Jean and smacked her in the face.

The redhead winced, the impact making her dizzy. She yelped at the pain that literally shook her brain and made her lose concentration.

"SEDATE HER!" The Officer demanded, and Doctor Zharkov complied in a flurry.

Jean felt a needle piercing into the skin of her neck, ripping her flesh as she wailed.

Her vision became blurry before she once more succumbed to the soft darkness that creeped in.