*cowers* I know I should have updated sooner but the higher powers have decreed that I get a job. No, they didnt believe me when I said that every review puts a dollar in my bank account. Booo on un-gullible parents. So as an offering of apology....chapter 15

1234 - Feist

I have a problem saying no. Seriously. Like a need-a-psychiatrist, where's-my-straight-jacket kind of problem. I mean, if I had just said that simple word, I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.

Ok, so I did volunteer to keep an eye on Bella. Mostly cause Embry kept asking what he should do in case he saw her in her underwear and Jake was getting pissed off and someone needed to diffuse the situation before one of us had to go to Dr. Carlisle to get some bones fixed. Something told me that person was gonna be Embry. The guys who had imprinted can be so touchy sometimes. It used to bug me cause it was always, 'Rachel this' and 'Emily that,' but I get it now. I can't imagine my life without Mia. Hell – I can't imagine a minute without her.

So I said yes. To Jake, to Edward AND to Charlie. Why? Cause I can't say no and Charlie kept spinning his gun on the table. You don't mess with a spinning gun. I didn't expect them to be so pushy. I kept getting calls day and night. I think Edward's the only one who knew that the other two had put me on guard dog duty. Didn't make him less pushy, though. Tanya used to snap at him at the start but when he told her all about Bella's shenanigans after he left, she actually took over for him. They were on bloody shifts calling me to find out what she was up to. I mean, didn't they have houses to break or something? It was only when I finally started ignoring them that Jake went berserk. He drove all the way to Seattle so he could phase in some hotel bathroom to torture me. I know it was a mean trick I pulled with the Debbie Harry that night but I was out for blood. It was all cause of Jake that Bella had to see me like that; a pitiful, mangy little dog howling in a bath tub.

"And how are you any different in real life?" Paul snickered.

Yeah, Paul's voice has been following me the whole day today. It's not like I can really hear him, though. Whenever he's around, I get jumpy and he taunts me from inside my head.

See what I said about the straight jacket?

Anyway, about the "epic cock block" (name courtesy of Leah). I paid for that shit. I paid for that shit hard. I didn't want to phase when we got back to Forks but I knew whatever ass-whooping I was gonna get, I had to get it now. They say revenge is a dish best served cold. I never got that. I mean, wouldn't a hot dish burn your mouth and stuff? Best revenge ever. Jake almost mauled me to death that night after making me relive their 'moment' a million times over. God, the sexual tension made me want to leap off a freaking cliff. He kept at it until I pretty much rolled over dead and said that if I ever did that again he was gonna tell my mom about the time I got drunk and threw up in her geraniums.

I answered back with an "Ooooh, I'm so scared!"

Sometimes I just don't know when to shut up. My big mouth was gonna be the death of me one day.

Jake tore into me like I was a burger and he was a guy who.... hadn't had a burger in a while. Yeah, I'm no good with the metaphors. Paul made it worse when he said Bella was my girlfriend. That was the first time I wondered if wolves were cannibals. Seriously.

"Seth, you seem... err... distracted." Mia perched on the ledge near the front door of her apartment building. Her hands grabbed mine, pulling me towards her. "What's wrong?"

I placed my palms on the cool cement on either side of her thighs, careful not to touch her. I mean, I wasn't a prude or anything... ok, I was. I just didn't have the experience the other guys had. Paul and Sam had some experience before they met Rachel and Emily. Sam definitely had. I shuddered as I remembered how Leah would use it to piss Sam off.

Urgh! As if walking in on her changing wasn't bad enough.

And Jacob... whoa, boy... before he went all Drooly McDroolson over Bella, he knew a lot of girls. And I mean a LOT of girls. And when I say know, I mean "biblically." It's like he was on his own American Idol, except it was the American Idol of sex and the person with the least...ok, so American Idol isn't the best metaphor for it. Even though we did see everything, voting lines were never open. Embry and Paul, however, rated them on style, technique and looks. Whatever Jake was going through, though, it was bad. I mean, for a guy who was getting laid whenever he wanted, he wasn't very happy about it. He looked downright miserable. Then suddenly a few months before the wedding, we were having lunch at Emily's and he just looked up and stated that he was going for the wedding. I just shrugged and munched on my sandwich but Sam was crazy pissed. He yelled at Jacob for ages. Man, that was a good sandwich. Roast beef and mustard and...

"Seth, you're drooling."

"Sorry." I wiped at my mouth.

Dammit, why couldn't I concentrate?

"You've been distant all day."

I sighed.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. It's just been..." I scrambled to find a suitable word, "...tiring."

"Jake and Bells?" She smiled.

"Yeah, they're being..."

"...idiots?"

I loved that she always thought PG-13.

"Exactly."

"You know, Seth, I have the feeling those two are destined for each other. I mean, did you see the way he looked at her? It's like fate or something."

We were gonna have that talk soon enough.

"I just wish they'd get it together already. All this angst makes me feel like inviting a reality show crew into the apartment." I shook my head.

Her hands brushed up my forearms, playing with the sleeves of my shirt.

"You're hot," she whispered.

"So I've been told," I smirked.

I mentally face-palmed myself. Lines like that were better left to Jake and Paul.

"No, I mean, really..." She gasped as I ran my fingers along the back of her neck. I really, really wanted to...

"We need to talk about something," I blurted out. I thought I saw a look of disappointment cross her face.

"Let me guess." She crossed her arms. "You're a spandex-loving bi-sexual who likes to break into people's homes and proclaim you're the next Messiah."

Jeez, if it was that easy.

"Bi-sexual?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Not that I have a problem with that..." She shrugged, licking her lips nervously.

Oh my God, has she kissed a chick?

"Looks like she will tonight!" Paul's imaginary insult rang in my head.

"Shut up, Paul," I muttered, leaning in and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"What?" she whispered. We were moving closer to each other with every second. I swallowed thickly before whispering back.

"Nothing."

"Seth," she exhaled, arching toward me as her eyes fluttered closed. I touched her lips with mine, wrapping my free hand around her waist. She smelled good as I ran my fingers through her hair, wanting to taste her, to have her wrap her legs around me. I pulled away just as she moaned against my mouth. I wondered if she wanted more cause I definitely did. We rested our foreheads together, smiling like a couple of kids on a sugar rush. She hummed, which I took to be a good thing. After a few minutes of dazed silence at what just happened, she started playing with my sleeves again, a grin etched on her face.

"You know what makes a guy really come out with his feelings?"

"What?" My thumb was making little circles behind her ear.

"Get a third party involved."

"Mia, that's sweet, but I don't think Jake and Bells do things like that."

What kind of a freaky chick have I imprinted on?

"Like what?"

"Like..." I scratched my head, trying not to sound crude. "...they're not into swingers and stuff."

"Seth, a third party to show interest in Bella, to make Jake jealous." Mia rolled her eyes.

"Ooohhhhhhhhh."

Sometimes I'm too dumb to function.

"It's cute that your mind went there. Though, on second thought, it's creepy, too." She shook her head before checking the time.

"Thanks for a fun date, Seth. I really enjoyed it, even though you weren't really here most of the time."

I mumbled an apology and she punched me softly on the shoulder before walking away. She turned to open the door before looking back at me, smiling shyly.

"By the way, thanks for the amazing first kiss."

I stuck my hands in my pockets, rocking on my heels. I knew I was blushing. She walked back to me, pulling me down by my neck before kissing me again.

"Thanks for the second," I said, a little dazed as I watched her walk up the stairs, stopping for a second to wave at me and catching me staring at her ass in the process. I can't remember how I got home that night.

When I walked in, Paul was already perched on the kitchen counter, smirking. I used to wonder if he was making that face and then the wind changed and... I really shouldn't listen to my mum.

"We need to talk."

"No, we don't." I closed the door, rummaging in the drawer for my "Kiss the Cook" apron. I flipped the bird at Paul when he whistled.

"Ooooh, feisty!" He grinned. "Anyway, it's about Bella and Jake. I think we need to get someone involved."

"I don't think they'll agree to counselling." I pulled the rice out of the pantry. "Seeing that they won't even admit they're a couple," I mumbled into the packet as I read the directions. He swatted me across the head and I yelped, rubbing it.

"To make him jealous, dumbass."

"Oh, right." I was still rubbing my head. That shit hurt.

It was like my brain was replaced with pudding. Mmmmm pudding...chocolate...

"Seth! Concentrate!"

"Yeah, sorry, so who's gonna be this other person?" I started chopping up the onions extra fast so I wouldn't cry. Last thing I needed was for Paul to call me a cry baby.

"Ok. So I saw her talking to this guy in the park today."

The knife clattered onto the wooden chopping board.

It's just talking. Why the hell are you panicking?

"Oh my God, have you been stalking her? That's real creepy Paul. Did Jake put you up to this?"

Cause I can stalk waaaay better than Paul. Listen to yourself! Jeez!

"No, it was on my way back from Marc's. So anyway, she seemed really into this guy. He was pretty good-looking."

I stared incredulously at him. I mean, I would have if I knew what it meant.

You're not the fairy godmother in this relationship. Even though Paul does call you a fairy because of that play in junior school when you wore glitter wings. And maybe if mom would stop showing those pictures to everyone, people will think you're a man again.

"Unlike you, dickweed, I'm secure enough in my manliness to admit when another guy is good-looking. The point is, we know that Jake's gonna win in the end. We just need to give it a little push."

"Again, does Jake know about this?"

"Jake, Jake, Jake... Jeez, Seth, why don't you go marry the guy already? I'm sure Bella would love to be your bridesmaid. Peach is so your colour."

"Shut up," I grumbled at him. The wok was already smoking and for a second I wished I could beat him over the head with it.

"So are you with me or not? Cause if you're up for seeing more fantasies that involve Bella and that couch in the garage..." I knew he wouldn't let up. At least I'd be around to make sure he didn't go too far.

"Fine. But if Jake finds out, you threatened to flush my head down a toilet, so I had to agree, alright?"

"Deal! I know how much you hate lying to your boyfriend, so what if I actually stick your head in the toilet? You know, for authenticity." He drummed his fingers on the table.

"Don't you fucking dare," I growled at him.

"Temper, temper, Sethy. Don't wanna destroy this beautiful home by struggling, do ya?" He grabbed me in a head-lock till I whined.

Yeah, it's pathetic but it works.

He let go, wiping is hands on his jeans like he'd touched something disgusting.

"So do you guys have a bathroom or do I have to go on the furniture?"

I pointed him in the right direction, my face scrunched up at his coarseness.

Ok, so I'm a little civilised. Sue me.

Bella came in a little later and I couldn't wait to apologise. I hated it when she was mad at me. I really didn't mean to bring up their sex life. I mean, it was just a one-off thing, right? I had no right using it as ammo.

"Oh, I don't mind you meddling. Just don't let me know if... when… you err... see things, cause you might be seeing them more frequently from now on."

Frequently? Like dating frequently? Damn that stupid phone.

Her face lit up as she answered. Problem was she never saw the way she looked when she was around him. Like he was a giant Christmas cracker, a giant Christmas cracker that turned into a...

Yeah, I'm stopping now.

"Hey, can I call Rachel?" Paul picked up the phone.

"Wait...Bella..." I hissed, but he was already listening in on their conversation.

"Jacob, you dirty dog. You dirty, dirty dog." He covered the receiver, shaking his head.

"Will you stop?" I hissed again, looking for something to throw at him.

"Not when it's just about to get juicy!" He put a finger to his lips.

"Paul," I whined. Jake would flay me alive for this.

"Do a little dance...make a little love...get down tonight!" he suddenly sang, snickering and keeping the phone. I heard a snatch of yelling before I heard Bella's door open.

Dinner was exceptionally awkward but I think we got our point across. Bella looked positively green by the end of it. I was just coming downstairs with the pillows when I heard Paul murmuring to her near the sink. I paused, afraid of moving in case he knew I was eavesdropping.

"What makes you think he's not sticking to the rules?"

What the hell was Paul doing?

"He's done this before, Bella. Trust me, keep your options open. It's called friends with benefits for a reason."

This was supposed to end at the dinner table.

"It's meant to be fun, Bella. Loosen up." I flapped the blanket extra hard to let them know I was downstairs. I heard her mutter, "Fun," before she went upstairs. She looked a bit shaken, to be honest. I waited till she shut the door, calling out a goodnight before I pinned Paul onto the couch, my knee pressed against his chest.

"What the fuck?" I hissed as he gasped for air. I knew I only had a little time before the shock wore off.

"If she gets hurt cause of your fucked-up plans, I swear to God, Paul, I will tear you from limb to limb!"

"Jeez, Seth, relax. I would never let Bella get hurt and Jacob… well Jacob just needs to open his big damn mouth and tell her already, before the whole pack goes crazy. So as soon as he stops being a pussy and faces a little competition, everything will fall into place."

I had a feeling Jake was gonna kill us nice and slow for that.

Have I told my betas how much I love them recently? I mean they write such amazing FF AND read my word vomit. Stothep and Fangbanger are the reason I write in the first place. 3

And you guys....400 reviews? Thats crazy! I love all of you so much for reading the updates and being so wonderful in your reviews. You guys make me cry. 3

So till chapter 16 (which will def come sooner *thatswhatshesaid* than this one or feel free to egg my house) Muah!