We choose whom we love. Consequently, we choose who hurts us. But we accept that pain, and it's something that is a part of us, forever and ever. Love is pain, sometimes, but that's alright, because we chose it.

The first time I saw her, she was laughing. At me.

It confounded me, how she could dare to have the audacity to laugh at someone as distinguished and honorable as Ian Kabra himself. How she could look at me right in the eye and part her perfect lips, and laugh.

Also it was not my fault that Dan, the little pig, managed to spill an entire glass of red champagne on my white suit jacket. But a mishap like that was to be expected, because Americans are always clumsy and uncultured, especially these Cahills I was unfortunate enough to call cousins.

Also, now that I'm was thinking about it, I have absolutely no idea what six year old Dan was doing with a glass of champagne.

The next time I saw her, she was an absolute mess, which I thought was deplorable. No one should ever cry at a funeral, it wasn't the British way, or at least the British Lucian way. Tears were for the weak and by sobbing, she showed a weak side of her that, despite myself, fascinated me.

How was she brave enough to let all of her potential enemies see her weakness?

The clue hunt… when I think of it now, is either with great shame or embarrassment. I'd acted so immature and hateful, but she helped me to see that. In Korea, I watched her spin on Alistair's measly excuse for a lawn, saw the flush of happiness in her cheeks for the first time since Grace's death, and my heart was drawn to hers.

And then I locked her in a cave to die, but I saw her face before the wall had slid completely shut, and the horror of the betrayal I'd inflicted upon her had not been something I'll ever forget. Nor is it something I want to experience again. After that moment, betrayal was never an option for me.

Truth would always be spoken, even if meant telling my enemies, "Yes, of course I intend to kill you."

When she and her despicable little brother and the old Asian man had somehow managed to make it out of the cave alive, I was relieved. At least I wouldn't have been guilty of murdering the one I found lovely.

But, I mused later, that sounded exactly like the kind of sappy British literature she would have been into, would have loved to read, would have forced me to stay awake long hours to discuss and argue over.

No, what she really liked was what she demonstrated for me on Everest—the unconditional goodness and love that poured out of her like a spring of fresh water, always refreshing, always giving, always sharing.

I was falling, off the peak of Everest, and I watched her throw away the very thing she'd risked her life to attain, just to save me.

For her, a clue was nothing, if it meant a life had been sacrificed.

I wished I could the say the same about myself, but I couldn't, because of Korea.

But somehow, most amazingly of all, she and her brother united the whole family against my evil mother, and we won, and even more amazingly, we didn't go right back to arguing.

During the Vesper incident, I watched with dismay as she leapt from Evan to Jake, wavering back and forth in the valley of indecision. I remember watching her kiss Jake on the cheek over video call, I remember the piercing agony that shot through my heart.

But then it happened, she and Jake broke up, a horrible, messy situation which I don't fully understand, something about her wanting to take a break to focus on her studies, and Jake becoming suspicious…

It didn't matter to me, doesn't matter now, because now I have a chance.

"Amy," I said, taking my life on the line, setting aside my pride and arrogance for once in my goddam life, "I love you Amy, I've loved you for most of my young life, and I want you to love me too. Do you… will you… will you learn to love me, give me a chance?"

Amazingly, she said she wanted to give me a chance. And that was where it all began. My life, I mean. That was where I truly began to live.

Amy showed me that I could be human, and by human, I mean that I could love, an unselfish, uncorrupted love, unlike the love I had for her in Korea. Amy showed me what it meant to grieve. I don't think I would still be here if it wasn't for her. After Natalie…

I'm sorry, I don't mean to… it's just, there's been so much grief in my life, and Amy healed me. She wasn't just a bandaid, she was the embodiment of the cells that knit my wounds together.

I don't know what I'm going to do… I'm sorry, I should have control.

We got married two years later. That was the happiest day of my life, and she was beautiful.

There was no children. Amy… she was diagnosed with cancer six months after we were wed. The day I heard the news, I thought I would die.

But I didn't. I'm still here.

She went downhill quickly. The chemo stripped her of her hair, her beautiful long hair. But that was okay, because I still had her.

But bit by bit, inch by inch, that goddamn cancer… it… it stole her from me.

I'm still here, and cancer stole her from me.

A year and a half after Amy and I married, she died. She died…

I knelt by her bedside and begged her not to go, begged her to stay with me, I needed her. But she didn't. She left. But before her eyes closed for the last time, she said something to me.

"Ian." She said. "When you locked me in that cave in Korea, I was determined to hate you, and I wanted to kill you."

I sat there stunned. I didn't understand her. Why would she tell me on her death bed that she wanted to kill me?

But she wasn't finished. I'm sorry, please give me a minute.

She wasn't finished. She said… she said, "Ian, I did kill you. I took the boy you were, and changed him. The old Ian is dead. You don't need me anymore, because you're new, I've watched you grow into someone beautiful."

I… No one has ever poured into me like she has. No one has ever seen any potential in me. No one has loved me enough to change me.

I stayed strong as she died, for Amy, but as soon as her last rasping breath left her lungs and her chest never rose again, I screamed, I fell on her lifeless chest and begged her to come back. I cried, I, Ian Kabra, allowed the most prestigious doctors in all of the world to see me sobbing on my knees.

Because Amy… Amy was my love. Amy loved me, she killed me and she raised me again.

I still haven't accepted that she's gone. Sometimes I wish I would have gone blind the instant she died, because life without Amy isn't a life I want to see.

But Amy taught me how to live, and she would want me to keep going, just like she would want all of you to keep going.

I chose to love Amy. And therefore, I chose my own pain. I didn't know she was going to die, but I promised her when we married that I would love her, no matter what.

And Amy, if you can hear this, even though you're… you're… gone, dead, no longer here, Amy Kabra, I still love you, no matter what.

Amy's Eulogy as given by Ian Kabra to those in attendance at her funeral

I cried writing this... I'm so sappy argh

Okay so I have had a few requests regarding my good friend Inagw, or, I'mNotAGoodWriter, or I'mBadAtThingsILike, but now, "nolongerherenowi'mgonenowbye"

I'm pretty sure that's her name, although I'm not sure if that's exactly how it's spelled...

If you searched it and you still can't find it, search "T39C Haven" forum, which is Inagw's forum. Her name is listed as the creator of the forum, and you will be able to look her up.

However, just a warning, Inagw long ago deleted all of her works. The only work that's on this site by her that is not deleted is our collab, Imminent Inferno, which was written by both myself and Inagw.

My suggestion is that you join our fandom and write your own works :) We'd seriously love to have you, because this fandom is getting smaller and smaller year by year, month by month, day by day.

I hope this helps you all out!

Also RIP INAGW I MISS YOU SO FRICKING MUCH YOU ARE LITERALLY ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS IN THE WHOLE WORLD *sobs*

also see lol INAGW YOU SHOULDN"T HAVE DELETED YOUR BEAUTIFUL SOUL-TEARING WORKS WE ALL MISS THEM

alright haha i'm done

I love you guys, and happy thanksgiving, although for some of you (depending on Time Zone or country) it may not be thanksgiving at all. But that's okay. I can still take time to be appreciative.

I am so thankful for each and everyone of you who supports me and my work. I'm also so thankful for all those with whom I have developed close friendships with during my four (geez goddam it where has the time gone) years here.

LOVE YOU GUYS LOTSSS,

Addict