i owe you all an apology, if any of you have been following me. it's been six months since my last activity, i have not updated my other two stories, and i might not for a while. i apologize if i've caused any of you worry. things in my personal life have caused me to not be able to focus on writing. i am not sure if i can update. i am very sorry but i must prioritize my mental health first, as much as i would love to update constantly. but i appreciate you all so much for your support on my other two stories. much appreciation as always to fairytalec. i hope you're doing well.
a oneshot between luna lovegood and theodore nott. i've had this in my drafts for a while and decided to publish this just to say, i'm alive.
rated m for one curse word and mild sexual and violent implications (torture, trauma). compliant with the books, until the deathly hallows. i do not own the characters, setting, world or original plot. please enjoy.
luna lovegood is fourteen when she meets someone who, for the first time, looks past her quirks. maybe he didn't even see them. she is feeding the thestrals when she has her shoulder tapped. "watch where you walk," she says calmly, without turning around. "there are thestrals. you probably can't see them."
she looks to her right, not at them, trying to see and trying not to see the figure standing behind her.
"they're beautiful, aren't they?" she says, stroking the mane of her favorite one. she hasn't named them, for she decides they are too free to be confined to a name decided by another. "the horses of death are no more than misunderstood angels."
she finally turns around. there stands a tall boy with a slytherin tie. he nods. "really," he says. "may i come closer?"
she nods. "stand to my right. there are no thestrals there."
the boy walks cautiously to her, dwarfing her in height. "how can you see them and i can't?" he asks, in a mild tone. he isn't indignant. nor jealous. just curious.
"you can see them when you have seen death, when you have comprehended loss," luna whispers, dipping her hand into the bucket by her feet. she hands a piece of meat to the boy. "toss it."
she knows who he is now. he's theodore nott, fifth year. son of a death eater.
he does, a bit apprehensive. but the meat is caught by a thestral and eaten. to him, there is nothing more than air gnawing at it. he opens his mouth, perhaps to inquire more about thestrals, she thinks, but instead he asks "what's your name?"
"luna," he says, not understanding how the flawless creature in front of him thought of less of herself. "you're so perfect."
"i'm not," she says, turning to face him, her eyes gentle. "i don't have to be. we don't have to be perfect, we don't owe it to anyone. it's okay to have flaws, theodore."
"theo," he corrects. "my father's name is theodore."
she nods slowly. "would you prefer not to be associated with him?"
theo fidgets with his hands, a habit that his father hates. "without his name, i'm nothing. but he's a death eater. i don't think anyone would want to be associated with a death eater."
luna turns back to the small blue blooms "theo, no one is perfect."
theo drags a hand through his hair, watching her pick the small plants. he's sure they aren't regular flowers, but a magical species common in potions. "those girls desecrated your dormitory bed, luna. they hung your belongings in the great hall for everyone to see. and you didn't tell me, or complain, or report them?"
"they're my friends. like you are. besides, i hung up flyers for them. i'll get them back. i always do. or i could buy new things."
"friends wouldn't do that. you deserve better, friends who are more than a few mean girls and a death eater's son," he said. luna deserved to be loved and adored and worshiped and valued. she deserved to be more than loony lovegood, the resident lunatic. she was, in fact, perfect.
"what would you want to do after you graduate?" luna asked, as if she hasn't heard. she grinned at him, blinking her glassy eyes as she stroked the petals of the flowers.
he paused. "i'd want to leave my father's legacy. perhaps go to america or france."
luna clutched a small bouquet of the flowers, and tucked one behind his ear. the petals were blue. they were ordinary flowers after all. a forget-me-not.
"what's stopping you?"
"i have no idea. i have no idea what my father wants. but please, stay safe. take care of yourself. you come first." he couldn't keep the pleading from his voice. luna had asked if he would join the death eaters. "dangerous things are happening. my father's free from azkaban now. he wants me to be with him. i need you-"
but she cuts him off, and kisses his cheek.
he stares at her, captivated and mystified as he is often by her, and then he kisses her on her lips. "i have no idea what what's going to happen," he repeats, voice a rasp as he rests his chin on her head.
she leans against his chest, and they're blissfully silent. she can hear, or rather feel, his heartbeat. it's steady. "what will happen if i go?"
"if- he wins, he'll give the losing side to his death eaters. anyone close to potter gets sold for a higher amount," blaise said. "i've no idea if i should stay neutral."
"would you buy one of them?"
"probably. to do what, i'm not sure..."
theo wasn't exactly paying attention. blaise has no real connections. he can join or leave, and it wouldn't matter. his slytherin friend, true embodiment of the cunning qualities, would do what would save his own skin.
"if lovegood is for sale, i might buy her," blaise says, laughing. "i'd love to know what she's like in bed."
theo's stomach turns at those awful implications. zabini can't have known. there was no way blaise could have known- that luna lovegood is his, that theodore nott is hers. theo will do what would save luna, and then maybe his own self. but he needs- salazar, what does he need?
luna. she is sixteen when she becomes a soldier. in the order of the phoenix, she is just another scared and scarred child wanting to do her part. and so she will. so she and neville and ginny reform dumbledore's army as a rebellion under snape's regime.
she hasn't seen theo since the school term started. they kept in touch through letters over the summer holidays, but she's yet to see him in the now-somber halls of hogwarts. when she makes a wrong turn in a corridor, tracking a stray wrackspurt, she sees him.
he stands, pale and horrified and gaunt, waiting for her. she runs to him and goes to embrace him, but he desperately flings out a hand before she can get nearer. he draws back his sleeve and the dark mark is stamped in his moon-white flesh.
she hugs him anyways, and he's shaking and cold. "you're still perfect to me," she whispers, and he breaks down, sinking to the ground, luna's arms still wrapped tightly around him. he heaves and pants and sobs in the abandoned hallway, but he keeps his left forearm well away from luna. she presses her forehead to his.
"what are we going to do?"
"i'll sit alone this time, ginny," luna says, smiling gently. "i've some runes i'd like to decipher, and i need to concentrate with them." she's waiting for theo. he's in the small train infirmary for joint pain. ginny and neville nod, deciding not to question her, and set off to find another compartment. there's mistletoe hung sparsely down the train, perhaps an attempt to bring festive moods up for christmas. luna doesn't think it works. there are nargles in mistletoe. she fiddles with the corks on her butterbeer necklace as she waits, and then the door to the compartment slides shut.
she's dragged off the train by death eaters, but not without a fight. she's sure at least a few people have seen her, and they will tell someone. her necklace becomes unclasped and falls on the cushioned seat. theo will find it when he comes back. probably. they drag her out of the train, and the one clutching her whirls away, in the cloud of black smoke, like at the department of ministries in her fourth year. "what is this for?" she asks dully, not expecting an answer.
lucius malfoy responds. he's one of the masked. he looks eerily like her father- the same white-blond hair and pale eyes. he looks colder, perhaps. "xenophilius has been printing rubbish supporting potter in his ridiculous magazine, you insolent brat," he hissed. "he must suffer the consequences."
luna's questioned briefly and then put in the cellar of malfoy manor. ollivander the wandmaker is there too- for what, she doesn't know at first. they talk, so as not to lose their sanity. luna talks about conspiracies and stories and her adventure in sweden with her father and being sent to the forbidden forest by snape for trying to steal the sword of gryffindor. she talks about dumbledore's army and her hopes. ollivander talks about his favorite wands and customers and the best combinations for wands. they're all too willing to listen to each other.
it's draco malfoy's job to bring food to the prisoners- her and ollivander- twice a day. sometimes he stays and talks to them. "do you know what's to happen with theodore nott, draco?" luna asks one time.
"why the fuck would you care, loony?" he asks, but there's no bite to his words. this time, the name 'loony' sounds teasing. but he's anything but. his eyes are bloodshot.
when luna doesn't answer, he shrugs. "most of the slytherin boys in my year took the mark, but they're wanted to complete their education before they start training. they get a little bit of it at hogwarts. amycus and alecto are teaching the cruciatus curse."
luna wants to vomit at the thought of theo casting the cruciatus curse on someone. the boy who knows nooks and crannies at every floor on hogwarts to duck into, in case his knees buckle and doesn't want anyone to see his weaknesses. the boy who loves to read but hates answering in class. the boy who actually did subscribe the quibbler. the boy who could've seen the thestrals if he'd been a little older when his mother died. she shivers to think of him unwillingly casting the curse- or, merlin, willingly casting the curse. she turns away from draco.
when draco leaves, ollivander croaks, "he's your wizard, then, miss?"
"yes." luna nods. "he's my wizard. do you think he'll be okay?"
"yes, i am expected to fight with them. if you don't get out, if they win, you tell them that you are with me," he mumbles, mouth pressed to luna's ear. "you need to survive." he brushes away her tears. "i need you to survive. please, just this once, be selfish in these situations. when it comes down to someone else's life or your life, choose yours, okay?"
she nods, although she disagrees. she doesn't want to plan the war for herself, she didn't want to plan to live. because that might mean someone else's death.
because if she were to survive, she needed to live.
"i love you," he says, brushing a hand through her hair, down her face. he brushes her lips against her forehead. then he's gone. are they going to hell?
he is already there. he is in hell. he has committed sins, and amycus won't let him forget that. "don't think i don't know about you and that ravenclaw, nott," he sneers. "show your loyalties right now, show you're for the dark lord, or i'll find your pretty blonde girl and kill her."
theo snaps, and a flash of green light ends amycus carrow's life. but antonin dolohov sees. "what's this, junior?" the cruel man barks. "nott's going to be heartbroken, indeed when he learns his own son is a blood traitor."
theo's still reeling from shock. he killed someone. he killed amycus carrow. strangely, he doesn't feel regret. only shock. so he doesn't anticipate the crucio, the flipendo, the sectumsempra and then the episkey and then the sectumsempra again.
harry potter defeats voldemort.
theo is taken to azkaban. he's in the lower-security cells, as he wasn't an active death eater and he is still just a boy. at his trial, he is cleared of all charges. luna testifies. and his medical history shows that he has early arthritis. the result of the cruciatus curse being used on him when he was in his early youth.
at least theodore nott, senior was dead. solace.
when luna brings theo home to her father, it's tense and awkward. as oblivious as he seemed to some, xenophilius lovegood is perfectly aware of everything that has happened. his own time in azkaban had hardened him. so when luna brings the tall, quiet boy home, xenophilius is instantly suspicious. he shakes theo's hand civilly, but narrows his eyes at his surname. "nott, you said? your father was a death eater? you're a slytherin, aren't you. are you one of the boys who made her life hell at school?"
luna holds theo's hand. "daddy," she says patiently. "slytherins aren't all bad. they have ambition and cunning. in fact, i think the lot of them are bothered by nargles."
xenophilius sends luna to the stream to fish for freshwater plimpies. it is intentional, because luna's father has wisened considerably. having his daughter taken from him had aged him ten years a matter of months. he was coming to terms with luna's and theo's relationship with his hackles raised. "listen, theodore," xenophilius says, and his pale eyes unnerved theo to the core. "i want you to roll up the sleeve of your left arm."
theo complies, and braces himself for what is bound to happen.
xenophilius sits down, hard, on his chair, eyes fixed on the blackened smudge. "i knew it," he says in a hoarse whisper. "get out of my house."
"mr. lovegood- sir-" theo tries.
"no."
"please, sir, i love your daughter-"
"get the HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!" xenophilius bellows, hands shaking. "stay away from my daughter! stay away from me! you're evil, the lot of you!"
theo stays calm. "mr. lovegood," he says placidly. "when i betrayed them in the final battle at hogwarts, they tortured me."
xenophilius snorts in derision. ''you're not special, boy, they've left many a mark on me."
"when they used their dark spells on me, i could only think of luna. i yelled out their name, but when they asked me where she was, i lied. i knew that i would kill all of them to keep her safe. i took the mark against my will. i tried to cut it out of my arm."
"i don't know if you've played some sort of game with luna, but if you have-"
"no, sir," theo says, looking out the window to see luna toting a fishing pole and a pail a little ways down. "my intentions with her are honorable. i have not harmed or manipulated her in any way. she doesn't see me as a death eater."
xenophilius takes a step closer, and he looks wild. "if you lay one damned hand on her the wrong way, if you even breathe on her the wrong way, i don't mind going back to azkaban. because she's all i've got."
"i understand that, sir," theo whispers.
"she's still in school," xenophilius says, but his facade is fading. "you'd better be the best goddamn creature since the crumple-horned snorkack. you'd better be good enough for her. she's the best as they come, no one deserves her."
theo understands. he understands loss and pain, perhaps not as much as luna, or maybe even more so, but understanding it was enough. "i understand. i agree, sir."
luna stands in the doorway, smiling. neither of the two men knew how long she had been standing there. "have you become friends, theo?" she asked, gazing at them with adoration in her eyes. "i forgot the fish hooks."
"how long have you known this boy, my girl?" her father asks, running a hand through his shorn hair. it used to be long. it was cut off during his time in azkaban, when he was sent there when he failed to deliver harry potter and hermione and ron to the death eaters.
"since fourth year, daddy," she responds, her slim fingers rubbing over a charm on her bracelet. a tiny snake.
"no one knew about this? you never told anyone?"
theo shakes his head.
"well why not?" xenophilius demands. "maybe if your father's friends had known you had a relationship, they wouldn't have taken her to that hellhole!"
"theo doesn't like attention and i get too much of it," luna says patiently. "i don't get the good type of attention, either."
"did i ever tell you i rode a thestral to the department of mysteries in my fourth year?" luna asks, entwining her fingers through theo's hair. she's using a pencil to translate runes in the quibbler, and he's making small corrections with her work while browsing a ministry entry-level job catalog.
"no," he retorts. "it's been what, four years and this is the first i've heard of it. what was it like?"
he doesn't like talking about his fifth year. it was the year, funnily enough, harry potter had implicated his father as a death eater in luna's father's magazine. funny how things worked out. but the prospect of luna riding a thestral intrigued him, so much so that he pushes away the depressing cloud that loomed over his fifth year.
"have you ever ridden a broom?" she asks. "i'm not one for brooms. but i think it was rather like that. or a horse. its mane tickled my face, and it was like wisps of smoke kissing my cheeks."
theo can see them now. the thestrals. sometimes he wakes up in a cold sweat, seeing amycus's twisted face lose animation, the green light flashing and throbbing in his eyes. oh, merlin, he's-
"don't let those wrackspurts cloud your brain, theo," luna's voice cuts through the intrusive memories. she is still tracing the runes with her stubby pencil. he kisses her cheek, and then her other one, and then her forehead. he presses her palm against his cheek now, mulling over his thoughts.
luna lovegood is eighteen and theodore nott is nineteen when they ride thestrals together. the two thestrals are majestic. their wings skim the water. their bodies pulse with power. their manes brush their faces.