Chapter 8: Back and Forth, Back and Forth
Later that night, the other castle was prepared for the next scene. A crowd of guests surrounded the Warner trio. A single spotlight shone down from above. Not wanting to have a repeat of the last song sequence, Yakko and his siblings spent the last half hour rehearsing. Which wasn't hard since they had very few scripted lines in this scene.
"Mike, can you give us five extra minutes?" Dot asked.
Wakko looked down at his script."Hey, what other stuff rhymes with friend?"
"Relax sibs, I think we got it this time," said Yakko. With that, they decided to start with the show. Mike rose his megaphone.
"And… action!" he whispered.
[Scene 4 Take 1]
"In dear old Anvilania, Everyone's our friend." Yakko sang, this time without error.
"We want to meet you all…" sang Dot.
"Or kick you in the can!" Wakko blurted spontaneously. Both his siblings looked on in confusion. "What? It fits!"
"But it doesn't rhyme." said Yakko.
[Scene 4 Take 2]
"We want to meet you all…"
"And shake you by the hand!" Wakko sang. He stared at his unamused siblings. "Hand! Hand! It rhymed!" he shrugged. A blare of a trumpet came near the front entrance.
"Dictator of Dunklikus, Umlatte" a spindly man announced. He looked behind him to see no one was there.
Mike got up from his seat."You got to be kidding me…" He peeked behind the curtains. "Umlatte, what's wrong?"
"I'm not going out there dressed like this! Couldn't I keep my other costume?" Umlatte replied.
"You're kidding, right? You look fine. I'm positive."
"Positively, ridiculous!" ,Umlatte spat back. Ed came from behind Mike and peeked through the curtain. He had a brief giggle fit. "See, he knows it!"
"Ed's an idiot. He doesn't count."
"Piss off, Mike!" said Ed. The cameraman received a bonk to the head. "Ouch!"
The Warners looked over from afar to see what he was talking about.
"Come on it can't that bad…" Yakko spoke.
[Scene 4 Take 3]
"Dictator of Dunklikus, Umlatte" the announcer recited again.
Umlatte trudged into the room in a gaudy bright purple and red uniform. Complete with tights, lace, and gold medallions... It only took one second for the Warner's to voice their opinions. And momentarily forgetting their lines in the process.
Yakko doubled over with laughter. "Oh, never mind!"
Wakko huddled behind his older brother. "Clown!"
"Even in a clown suit, he's handsome!" Dot said while beaming.
"Mike!" Umlatte whined.
"Just grin and bear it, man." Mike pressed on. 'You'll do fine,"
[Scene 4 Take 4]
"Dictator of Dunklikus, Umlatte."
Umlatte came out for the second time. He strutted in with a flick of his cape, doing his best to appear as regal as possible. The Warners happily bounced on their tails.
"Oh boy!" Dot cheered.
Wakko did likewise. "The Clown is here!"
"Yay!"
All three of the Warners clambered onto the burly dictator.
"Are you here to entertain us Mr. Clown?" asked Yakko.
Dot searched Umlatte's pockets. "Where are your magic tricks?"
"I want a balloon animal that looks like a woodchuck!" Wakko blurted. Umlatte pried the trio off his chest.
He brushed himself off. "Please please, I am the dictator"
"Dictator? Like Hitler?!" Wakko hissed, deviating from the script.
"Nah, he's got more of a Stalin mustache. Only less thick." Dot pondered, doing likewise.
[Scene 4 Take 5]
"…I am the dictator."
Do you go by the name Mr. Tator?" Yakko asked, improvising.
"No!" Umlatte spat.
[Scene 4 Take 8]
"Would you prefer the name tater tot?"
"No! No!"
[Scene 4 Take 9]
"Okay Dick, or is it, Tator? You mind if we call you Richard?"
"Or Little Richard?" Dot added. Wakko banged on a piano off to the side.
"Good Golly miss molly!" he sang raucously. Yakko shot a dirty look at both his siblings.
"What? It's an innuendo and a celebrity name," said Dot.
[Scene 4 Take 13]
"… You mind if we call you Richard? I know, let's play musical chairs!"
The trio dragged Umlatte around the throne as they sang a little song. "You never know when we're going to stop, we might go on forever, you could get sick waiting for us so we can stop…!" All four of them froze in place.
"Don't move! Give me one moment," Mike called out to them. He ran off to have a brief talk with the floor manager.
"The dancers for the next Polka sequence are here" the floor manager told him.
"Great, I was wondering what was keeping them…"
Meanwhile, sweat was beginning to bead off the Warner's faces. Umlatte's legs were beginning to tremble.
"H-how long does he want to us to stay h-here?" Umlatte asked through clenched teeth.
"I don't know…" Yakko strained.
After the break was over Mike came back. "Okay, action!"
[Scene 4 Take 14]
The scene picked almost instantly. All four of them plopped onto the throne at the same time.
Wakko snapped his fingers. "Darn, A tie"
"I know, we'll have a tiebreaker. Pin the tail on Mr. Tator!" Yakko proposed. While the musical chair part was in the script, this wasn't. Before Umlatte could react, he was already blindfolded with large bullseye stuck to his rear. Yakko himself was also blindfolded, as he felt around for his target.
Umlatte angrily pulled off the blindfold when Yakko accidentally touched his butt. "Stop you obnoxious creatures! I am not Mr Tator. Or Little Richard… I'm..."
"...Served with diced ham and peppers." Yakko finished his sentence.
Umlatte stomped his feet. "I told you it's not pronounced Om-lette!"
Yakko held out his script copy. "That's that not what the script says. Your name ends with an E."
"The E is silent!"
Yakko poked a finger at his mouth "Just like an omelet should be, silent."
"Cut!" Mike yelled.
Wakko rubbed his belly. "When's lunch? I'm hungry now."
"Cut!"
At this point, Mike's yelling was steadily being drowned out by the chuckling crowd in the back. He was grateful to know the microphones weren't picking all of this up.
[Scene 4 Take 18]
"Stop you obnoxious…!" Umlatte began to speak when a dry snark creaked from his mouth. The dictator breathed deeply through his nostrils. Yakko eyebrows bounced. He knew was getting to him.
[Scene 4 Take 20]
"Stop you, obnoxious creatures, I am not Mr. Tator. I'm not your entertainment! That's your entertainment!"
The jester was back in the spotlight again. "Hey, Take my anvil" And was quickly taken out by another fallen anvil. "Please…"
"Well if you're not the entertainment, then you shouldn't be wearing a costume," Yakko stated, briefly returning to the script. "Dot, let's help this man out." Dot slipped one of her dresses over Umlatte.
"Polka Dot?" he asked.
"Again? Oh alright." She said with slight exasperation. Umaltte suddenly found himself in another polka dance with the Warners.
Lively, but unfitting, swing music blared throughout the castle. The sounds of saxophones and trumpets played over Yakko's fake accordion playing. Two extra dancers dressed as Beauty and the Beast danced in and out of the shot within seconds.
"What the hell…?" Ed exclaimed, he gawked at Mike in confusion.
"Don't blame me, blame the script, Ed," Mike said just before the music stopped.
Umlatte ripped the dress off him. "No, No No! This is the uniform of a great man,"
"Does he know you're wearing it?" Yakko quickly spat back.
"Im…"
Umlatte doubled over and turned away, his cheeks flushed bright red. This time the crowd was howling with laughter.
"I can-" Mike said as he stifled a chuckle. "I can't even be mad at that. That's a good one"
Yakko snapped his fingers."This is improv doc! You got to be quick on your feet!"
[Scene 4 Take 23]
"I am Umlatt Dunlikus and I demand you surrender your throne to me. I'll give you 24 hours to evacuate"
"Give me some laxatives and I'll cut that time in half" Yakko joked.
"Eww!" Wakko exclaimed.
"Yakko!" Dot reeled in disgust. Umlatt buried his face within his hand.
[Scene 4 Take 26]
"…I'll give you 24 hours to vacate" Umlatte readjusted his warning.
"Vacation? This is only my first day on the job." Yakko replied. More laughter came. Umlatte nearly sputtered as he tried his best to maintain his composure.
[Scene 4 Take 28]
"I demand your surrender!" the dictator growled.
"I will not surrender, you surrender!" Yakko answered sharply.
Umlatte crossed his arms, playing along with the semi-improvisation. "Me, surrender?"
"Alright, I accept. Hand over the keys to your castle."
"Don't be ridiculous, I'll go to war before I surrender."
"Then go ahead, and don't you come back until you learn so manners young man!"
Umlatte's teeth clenched with frustration. But Yakko could see the corners of his mouth shuddering upward.
"Cut!" Mike yelled. When Umlatte covered his mouth, Yakko swore he heard a brief chuckle.
Yakko pointed him."Ha, made you laugh!"
"I'm not! Damn it…!" The costar's face flushed a deeper shade of red. The laughter in the background was uproarious by now.
[Scene 4 Take 29]
Umaltte shook his fists in a complete fit of rage.
"Very well you silly child, this means war!" he declared, returning to the script.
"I thought that meant touch down," Yakko quipped. The other siblings appeared in cheer-leading outfits.
"Yay, push em back shove em back! Waayy back!" They cheered. Umlatte nearly lost his footing when they pushed him back towards the exit.
"I'll see you on the battlefield!" he declared with a parting note.
"Wait, you forgot to get your parking ticket validated!" Yakko called out to him. The door slammed. "Oh pooh, a war." Yakko returned to his siblings. "And so I stand corrected, not everyone's a friend"
"The Dictator, he wants a war" Dot and Wakko joined in.
"So our country will defend." All of them sang together. Pretty soon the crowd joined in as well.
"This means war! This means War! This means War!"
"Of course you know this means warrr…" the trio sang together. Mike flinched at the Warner's off-key screech that was supposed to be harmony. It was an instant tension killer.
"Cut!" he yelled.
"And it was going so well…" Wakko sighed.
"I told you we should have rehearsed an extra 5 minutes…!" Dot complained.
[Scene 4 Take 30]
"...you know,this means War...ners" the trio sang again, finishing the scene in perfect three harmony.
"Perfect! Now-" Mike said, He was cut off by Umlatte's distinct shouting. Yakko and Wakko were dragging him back into the room.
"Come on! Admit it!" Yakko teased.
"Stop it! I wasn't laughing!" Umlatte yelled.
"Why were you smiling then?" Wakko asked.
"The lace in this costume is ticklish!"
"Can't even stay in character, and you call yourself an actor!" said Dot. "You're still handsome though"
"Who said he was acting?" Yakko retorted.
Umlatte huffed past Mike. "I don't need this! I'll be retiring to my trailer."
"We'll visit you on Thursday, pops!" Yakko called after him. Umlatte's faced burned red again when he stormed back out of the room. Mike couldn't tell if it was out of embarrassment or anger. Maybe both.
"He does know the exit's the other way right?" Mike asked.
"Shut it!" Umlatte yelled out.
[Scene 5 Take 1]
Day 2:
The scene began with Nurse leading Yakko within the long castle walls.
"Hurry your majesty, these are desperate times. You must meet the cabinet," Nurse advised. Yakko dreamily gazed up at his attractive costar. He was too out of it to notice a wooden cabinet coming up.
Thunk!
Yakko rubbed his head. "Hello, I'm Yakko. Nice to meet you. Ouch,"
"Cut!" Mike yelled.
[Scene 5 Take 2]
This time Yakko stopped at the wooden cabinet. He opened one of the drawers. "Hello, I'm Yakko. Nice to meet you." The pitch of his voice rose. "Oh the pleasures all mine"
"Sire...?"
"Wait til were alone," Yakko answered suggestively. Nurse ignored his off-script advance and led him to a conference room where three other cabinet members stood behind their seats. So far, the scene was going as intended. Yakko stood before them. "Gentlemen, please be seated"
The cabinet members did as told. Three pops were heard. Cursing and groaning, they got back up. Each of their seats was drenched with water.
"See, that's you get for not paying attention!" Yakko reprimanded. Out of the corner of his eye, his accomplice Wakko, hid an extra water balloon under his head. "Wait until I say, Simon says!"
"You didn't give us a warning!" one of them complained.
"Oh, Jesus…!" Mike muttered.
[Scene 5 Take 3]
"Gentlemen, please be seated. Aha ha-ha! I didn't say Simon says." Yakko commanded. The others froze at Yakkos' command. "Simon says, please be seated." They sat down with no accidents this time. Yakko did likewise. "So what's the plan?"
"Our situation is grave, our army hasn't been to war in 200 years," the oldest chair member stated. Yakko simply stared at the man in complete disbelief. "What is it?" he asked.
Yakko leaned in, stroking his white beard."I really don't who you're trying to fool with that fake beard." He swiped it clean off.
"Ouch!"
"See, fake," Yakko added. He hopped over to the next guy and swiped his brown mustache beard off. "Also fake, and this guy…" He grabbed the third one's red beard and saw that it wouldn't budge.
"Oww! Let go!"
"Oops,"
[Scene 5 Take 3]
"… hasn't been to war in 200 years." The first chair member spoke again.
"Then they should be very well rested then," Yakko replied.
"First we must prepare the troops," the second member proposed.
"No, first we must get new weapons." The third one cut in.
"Ennngh! You're both wrong!" Yakko cut in. He stood behind a Gyparody podium. "First we must have a new national anthem. Hit it!"
Dot strummed an electric guitar, a top hat covering a scraggly mane of white hair.
"Then darlin' don't refrain, Or I'll just end up walkin' In the old Avilanaia Rain!" Wakko squealed his best Axl Rose impression.
Mike cracked a half smile at that."I'm really tempted, but… no,"
"Worth a shot," Dot shrugged. Then the first beardless chair member snatched the white hair from her head.
[Scene 5 Take 4]
"Hi it!"
Wakko played an old ragtime tune on a piano.
"Oh the Anvil shines on my old Anvialian Home" the siblings sang in unison. Everyone else stood up, hands held to their hearts.
"Thank you, please be seated." Yakko instructed. The others immediately fell to the ground when their chairs suddenly broke apart.
Wakko shook his head. "You guys are not good at this game…" The hilt of a screwdriver peeked from under his shirt cuff.
"Cut!"
[Scene 5 Take 5]
"Heh, very good. Simon Says, please be seated" said Yakko. The others did as instructed.
"Your majesty I may…"
"I wish you would..." Yakko blurted out.
Nurse paused a moment before guiding everyone's attention to a map stretched across the entire table "Now if we post our army on the northern border here, and a battalion of tanks on the…"
While Nurse was busy giving explaining their game plan, Dot noticed Wakko rubbing his belly.
"You know when our next lunch break is?" he whispered.
"No, but I thought you ate already?" she said quietly.
"I didn't. Someone swiped my plate of bagels before I could eat them."
A soft crunch could be heard. Ed stood behind his camera with a powdered bagel in his hand.
"Oh, those were yours?" the cameraman answered, crumbs spilling from his mouth. "They were delicious." He finished it off with a self-satisfied smile. A hard scowl stretched across the Warner's face. Dot pulled Wakko away from Ed before he could do any damage. Meanwhile, back on camera, the meeting countinued.
"…But, your highness," the first chair member protested.
"It'll be your highness if you keep calling me that." Yakko retorted.
"We must prepare!"
"Very Well Make no middle man! I am the…"
"The king, we know!" Everyone groaned.
"Cut!"
[Scene 5 Take 6]
"Very well. Dot! Wakko!" said Yakko. Both Warners appeared at his side. " Wakko, As the king of Anviliana I appoint you general of the armed forces, prepare the troops!" Wakko dutifully saluted before running off. "Dot, I appoint you minister of girly things I don't understand."
That covers a lot of ground" Dot ad-libbed.
"I know! We need- Ouch!" Yakko stopped mid sentence when a microphone boom landed square on his head. "A retake…"
[Scene 5 Take 7]
"I know! We need new uniforms"
Dot wheeled in her line of dresses again. "How about these?"
"Polka Dot?" Everyone asked.
"Not Again!" Dot moaned. She was genuinely getting tired of this gag. And so followed another polka sequence.
Slick Hip hop oozed through the speakers."Yo Dre! Kick in the bass…!"
Mike said nothing as he blankly stared at what he was seeing. He'd never thought in his career he'd see a polka done to Bee Gees, Benny Goodman, and now N.W.A., all in the same week. The music stopped before the first explicit lyric was uttered.
"Now on with the plan, the meeting is adjourned. You are dismissed." Yakko declared. The chair members almost did as told. "Ah ah ah I didn't say Simon says."
"And…Cut!" said Mike. "Let's get everything set up in the next room so we.-"
Nurse interrupted his train of thought. "Mike, can you help me?" She was struggling to pull off 50 pounds of adolescent Warner clutched to her chest. Yakko gave her a kiss on the cheek.
"Can't we stay like this forever?" he pleaded, not wanting to let go.
"You're very lucky you're cute," Nurse stated irritably as she took him out the room.
"Hey, that's my bit!" Dot whined. Mike groaned and followed after her.
When the others had left the room, Wakko noticed something out the corner of his eye. Ed was busy packing up his camera equipment. When he finished, two wrapped brownies fell out of his backpack.
Still pretty miffed from not having breakfast earlier, Wakko didn't hesitate to snatch them up before the camerman noticed. Technically it wasn't stealing, they were misplaced. After downing the treats in one gulp, he happily tossed the wrapping off to the side. He never noticed that wrapping paper contained a warning label in written in Dutch. And it translated to this.
Warning: contains several ounces of cannabis and hash
An hour later, the next shot began with Dot in a dressing room. One of the soldiers stood atop a platform modeling one of her uniforms. Equipped with pink fabric and striped clown shoes, it was loose fitting and entirely mismatched.
[Scene 5 Take 8]
"I think this uniform needs something, something that says I'm here to destroy you, but with a sense of fun." The youngest sibling pondered. " I know! Wear your clothes backward like Kris Kross! No…
[Scene 5 Take 9]
"Go commando! Nah…"
[Scene 5 Take 12]
She donned a French accent"Eu Natural. Nope"
[Scene 5 Take 16]
She held up one of her polka dot dresses from earlier. The soldier opened his mouth to say something when Dot clamped his mouth shut.
"Don't even think about it!"
[Scene 5 Take 20]
"I got it, wear your underwear outside of your pants! Hey it worked for Madonna"
"Bullshit..." Ed faked a cough.
"That's your opinion." Mike muttered "Next!"
[Scene 5 Take 21]
Several troops lined up outside the castle, geared for battle. The Warner trio marched before their troops, the Anivialian flag flanked behind them. Yakko cleared his throat before he spoke.
"Men, all this stuff you've heard about Anvilania not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the war, is a lot of…"
"Cut!" Mike shouted.
"Oops, wrong movie."
[Scene 5 Take 22]
"Troops, you are about to..." Yakko spoke. He suddenly disappeared when the flag fell down upon him. "And for my next trick, I'll be using our next take."
[Scene 5 Take 24]
"Troops, you are about to head off into war."
A scratchy fit of giggling came out of nowhere. Both he and Dot looked to their left to realize where it was coming from.
Wakko apologized between laughs. "It's okay, I'm sorry"
[Scene 5 Take 30]
"Troops, you are about to head off into war, I won't lie to you, some of you may not return, and the rest of you definitely won't." Yakko lectured his troops. He barely noticed the uneasy frowns and mutterings from the troops. Part of that was from Wakko struggling to hide his snickers. "Now although war is a cruel and brutal affair, it is also…" Another fit of laughter made him lose concentration. His smile disappeared from his face. "Wakko, it wasn't that funny!"
"Cut!"
Wakko waved off his agitated brother. "No, no, no no! It's okay. I'm good now!"
Although he wasn't fully convinced, Yakko resumed with the scene.
[Scene 5 Take 31]
"...Now although war is a cruel and brutal affair, it is also dangerous and stupid, you may get squashed like a bug, smooshed and oozing. Or crunched like shredded wheat into dust. Or ripped apart….!"
The entire army ran away screaming in terror, leaving nothing but a few discarded helmets.
"Maybe you should have lied just a little," said Dot.
"So we'll go to war ourselves, how hard could it be?"
Wakko looked through a telescope and jumped back in shock. "Holy Moly! I can see over 2000 colors in this thing!" He nearly stumbled on his own feet.
[Scene 5 Take 29]
"…How hard could it be?"
"This hard" Wakko recited his correct line. Yakko looked through the telescope. He didn't see the 2000 colors Wakko saw. He did, however, see an enormous army peering just off in the distance. They were completely outnumbered.
"Ooh, we're going to need a few commercial breaks to figure this one out." He said to the camera. The shot ended with an iris out. In reality, the camera lens had closed in on Yakko's nose and pinched it off. "Ouch!"
"Sorry" Ed replied, not sounding sorry at all. He reopened the lens so Yakko could get his nose.
"Hey, I need that!"
"Cut! That's it for today, everyone! We'll start again tomorrow." Mike announced through his megaphone.
"Wakko, you sure you're okay?" Yakko asked Wakko. He looked down at his brother staring at nothing, his head bobbing in a daze. Still giggling as well.
"Just a little dizzy." Wakko replied. His eyes perked with excitement. "Hey, the snack bar's been refilled!" and with that little bit, he ran off.
Yakko frowned. "That, was very weird."
"Yakko, he's our brother. He's always weird." Dot retorted. Both of them followed after their brother, assuming it was just Middle Kid Syndrome in full effect. Unknown to them Ed was fumbling through his backpack. Someone had unzipped it.
"What the…?! Who swiped all my brownies?!" Ed yelled.