Waking up was slowly becoming Adrien's least favorite activity. Of course, that was shortly followed by falling back to sleep. He was in a state of barely wakefulness, while also being too tired to sleep. His mouth was dried out and scratchy, and the tingling sensation of numbness had settled into his limbs.
Breathing was still difficult. He knew that the tube in his throat was supposed to be helping with that, but it just sucked. It all sucked. Everything hurt, and he felt disgusting, and his nose itched.
Was this his existence from now on? He didn't know if he could bare it.
The doctor was standing in front of him. "Hi Adrien, how are you feeling today?"
How was he supposed to answer that? With a moan? A smile?
"Wink once for yes, and twice for no."
Wink.
"Excellent. Now I know you're uncomfortable, but we need to wake you up for a little bit. In about an hour, we'll sedate you again."
Oh so he wasn't even sleeping on his own? Damn.
"Are you warm enough?"
Wink.
"Are you thirsty?"
Wink.
"Yeah, I'm sure your mouth is dry too. But you can't take any fluids by mouth right now. You have a feeding tube in your mouth, and a nasotracheal tube in your nose so you can breathe. Then we have an IV for fluids. Because you're thirsty, that's a sign that I can up your fluid intake."
Adrien closed his eyes, emotion building behind his eyelids.
He didn't want this.
"We're going to get some food in you too, while you're awake. It might feel a little awkward because you won't be swallowing on your own, but you have to eat."
It not like Adrien could protest.
So food was forced down the tube in his throat by a pump. It wasn't a lot, but it helped to ease the pain in his stomach.
"There's someone who's been dying to see you. Well, he's been here for a while, but he wants you to see him," Said the doctor. "Are you up for a guest?"
No. He wasn't. He didn't want anyone to see him.
Unless it was Marinette. In which case, yes.
Wink.
Instead, a black blur floated in front of his face. "Hey kid," Plagg greeted, with a soft voice full of affection.
Looking into Plagg's infinite green eyes, Adrien felt a hurricane of emotions. Feelings of abandonment, betrayal, grief, and failure. Of sorrow and anger, confusion and hatred.
It was awful and unfair. Plagg hadn't done anything wrong, and Adrien knew that in his head.
But trauma messes with the brain.
Adrien clenched his eyes shut, as tears leaked out.
"I missed you," Plagg said, nuzzling against his cheek.
Where were you?! Adrien screamed in his head, I needed you!
"You're so brave, Adrien."
But Adrien didn't want to hear it. He was so lost in his hurt, he couldn't bare it. He swatted Plagg away, feebly.
The Kwami sunk to the mattress, staring at his charge. This was not the tearful reunion he expected. "Adrien?" He whispered.
The boy kept his eyes shut as tears continued to slip out.
The doctor carefully wiped his face. "Alright, that's enough for today." He urged.
Plagg disappeared, hiding somewhere out of sight, and that was just fine with Adrien.
"That wasn't very nice, Adrien." Gabriel scolded.
Ugh. He wanted to talk to his father even less. Especially right now. Why was he even here? Wasn't he profoundly disappointed in him already? Was he a glutton for punishment?
"Plagg has been here all along. He's been worried sick. I've been worried sick."
Yeah right.
Adrien rolled his eyes and turned his face towards his pillow. This was unfair, having to listen to this, not being allowed to leave. Not being able to defend himself.
"Mr. Agreste," the doctor interrupted. "Adrien's heart rate is accelerating. We're trying to keep him calm. Perhaps now is not the time for a lecture."
"Of course. I'm sure he's just confused."
Confused? No, he was perfectly aware of what was going on. He was in a hospital, bound to a bed, and being prepared to fit right back into the peg he didn't fit anymore. He could see it unfolding around him.
And it was maddening.
"I can see you're feeling tired. Ready to go back to sleep?"
Please. Please for the love of God.
Wink.
"Alright. Just try to relax and take a deep breath, counting down from ten.
1…
2…
3…
Well it didn't work, because here he was awake again.
"Good morning Adrien, how are you today?"
Again, he couldn't talk. Hadn't they just had this conversation? Perhaps not, considering the doctor had been wearing a blue shirt yesterday, and today he was wearing a red one.
Had he slept that hard?
"Are you cold?"
Wink wink.
"Are you hot?"
Now that he thought about it, he was stifling under these blankets.
Wink.
The doctor rolled back the top layer.
Again, he was force fed some unidentifiable substance through a feeding tube, and he was asked a dozen yes or no questions.
"I have some more visitors for you. If you're up for it."
Why not? It's not like he was really given a choice.
But when Tom Dupain came into view, with a warm and tender smile on his lips, Adrien relaxed.
"Hey kiddo, look at you! You've got some color in your cheeks!" He said softly, brushing his thumb over his forehead.
That felt nice.
Sabine was up further by his head. "We've been with Marinette most of the time, but when the doctor said you were going to wake up for a little bit, we just had to come say hi!" She was lightly scratching his scalp.
That felt really nice.
Now these were parents. Always a warm welcome, full of hugs, ready to stuff him full of carbs. Whenever he had come over to Marinette's house, they had both asked about his day, his well-being. It was everything he craved in his own father.
They were a comfort. The comfort of having a mom and dad around when you didn't feel well. Though they couldn't necessarily make the pain go away, the kiss on the head was soothing.
"Marinette's sitting up now and eating on her own." Sabine said, as she squeezed his hand. "Isn't that just wonderful? She still sleeps most of the time, but that's really good."
It hurt to hear about his lady. Hurt to hear and not see.
"She came to see you a few days ago," said Tom. "When you were severely unstable instead of mostly unstable." He joked. "She really misses you."
And he missed her. Even though they were mostly separated in the catacombs, she was still with him in experience. The fear for her safety, wondering if she was safe, it kept her close when he couldn't be with her. Her voice from the adjacent cell, her hand in his...
What a horrible thing to bond over.
"She'd come see you every day if she could." Tom insisted, "but the doctors want you both to stay as calm as possible. Especially you. But it won't be long until we move you into the same room."
Sabine swept the bangs from his forehead. "And Marinette is really looking forward to spending the Christmas season with you. Hot cocoa, cookies, evenings in front of the fire and watching the snow fall..."
All things he had seen in movies, but nothing he had emotional attachment to. Maybe having them around for the season would make things more bearable, but he doubted Sabine had any idea how unmotivated the holiday made him.
"You're so strong." Sabine whispered, before kissing his forehead. "You're fading fast, but just know that we'll be checking in on you when we can."
Adrien felt a tear run down his cheek.
What did he do to deserve such love? Did they just love Marinette so much that it overflowed onto the people she loved? Was that what a parent's love was like? Or what it should be like?
With one last squeeze to his hand, they left. Their departure was foggy, as the drugs started to kick in again.
"Just sleep Adrien, you're doing so well," praised the doctor.
1…
2…
3…
And then he was awake again. And the process repeated himself. Hot? Wink wink. Cold? Wink. Blankets. Food.
Guest?
Wink.
This time, it was someone he was unfamiliar with. A woman with short gray hair, stout, Coke-bottle glasses.
"Well hello there, Adrien. Adrien Agreste, the one and only! How're you feeling sweetie?"
Oh, so this was a fan then? Or perhaps another nurse?
"My name is Dr. Robin Zollar, I'm a board certified clinical psychologist, and I specialize in the treatment of physical and emotional trauma in youth. I'm going to be working with you and Marinette going forward."
Her voice sounded so familiar to him. Who did she remind him of?
"I know it's kind of a kick in the pants not being able to talk things out right now, but I just came to introduce myself and let you know I'm here for you."
It was a cartoon character, for sure. An older woman in a cartoon...
"I'll be keeping an eye on your recovery, and when you can talk, I'll be right here to listen. And if you don't want to talk about it right away, you don't have to. I won't judge, I'm just here to help."
Ah yes. The fairy godmother from Cinderella. An odd connection, but it felt accurate.
"What you've both been through is extremely traumatic, and it's one that no one else can sympathize with. From here on out, you're going to have to learn what your new normal is. Don't expect to get right back to where you were. You need to be patient with yourself and know your limits. Most of all, I want you to talk out what you're feeling. Don't bottle stuff up, though it might be easy to do so."
What, no bippity boppity boo?
"You have a great support network here. It'll be really easy to shut everyone out, but I recommend against that."
A strong support network? Where was that network the rest of his life? When his mother died? Through all those years of grieving and neglect? When he asked for therapy?
Where was the comfort then? He had asked for help. And he had been told he didn't need it. It took the trauma to be public to get help.
And that was bullshit.
"Is that something you're interested in? Wink once for yes, twice for no."
Wink wink.
The woman nodded. "Okay. Well, if you change your mind, your father will get in touch with me."
Yeah right. If he changed his mind, his father will ridicule him for it. 'Why didn't you take it before?' He'd ask, 'it's been long enough now. You don't need it anymore.'
But it's not like it would help anyway.
The psychologist bid him farewell while he was lost in his thoughts, and soon he was put back to sleep again.
The next morning, while felt like a minute later, Adrien blinked his eyes open, seeing Doctor Boucher nearby.
But there was someone else too. A warm, familiar face that he hadn't expected to see.
Nino.
Nino was smiling at him. Just a patient, friendly smile.
Adrien hated it. And he hated that he didn't know why.
Nino rested a hand on his shoulder, rubbing a thumb back and forth over his collarbone. He comforted him while he was fed, and all his vitals were checked. Then the doctor backed off.
"Hey bro, you look like death." He said it with a laugh, trying to make a joke. To loosen him up as always. To bring laughter and happiness to his dull, gray, lonely life.
"I mean, you look better than when you were brought here. Got a little color in your cheeks. Well, your face in general, I can't really see your cheeks."
Right.
"Chloe really wanted to come, but your dad was afraid she would jump on you in her excitement."
That was probably true. He didn't really want to face Chloe right now anyway.
Nino swallowed thickly, and when he spoke, his voice was filled with emotion. "I really missed you, Adrien. You're my best friend, my brother…the best person I know." He sniffed. "I want you to be happy, you know? I want…to help you. And I'll do anything for you. You know that, right?"
There was a tickle on the back on his head. A memory locked away that was demanding to be recalled. A moment on a rooftop, standing in the drizzling rain. Nino on the ground, terrified, staring up at him with nothing but fear.
"Hey, hey dude…come on man…you didn't know."
Shame. That's what he felt. He had hurt his best friend, though he couldn't remember the specifics. But why wouldn't be feel shame? The whole world saw him naked, crawling on the ground, wallowing in his filth and crying crying crying…
Wasn't Nino embarrassed by him? Wasn't he disgusted? Everyone else was.
He had to be faking it. Cutting him off like he wanted to would make him feel too guilty. That had to be it.
Who would want to be friends with him?
Nino kept talking, but Adrien didn't want to hear anymore. So he closed his eyes and pretended to fall asleep.
Eventually he left, by suggestion of the doctor, and the room went quiet.
Every once in a while, he'd hear the flip of a piece of paper, and the beep of a machine. Cracking one eye open, he saw his father reading a magazine. The lights were dimmed, and they were alone.
The doctor hadn't put him back under for sedation.
Which meant he could finally rest without the jarring sensation of the scene changing every hour, but it also meant he had to fall asleep on his own. It also meant he had time to think. And only think.
His pain was low, but with each passing minute, it was starting to rise again.
It would be really nice to lay on his other side. Ugh, but he was too weak to even try.
God his throat was dry.
His father flipped another page. Why wouldn't he just go home? Why was he here? Pretending to care?
A throat cleared, but it wasn't Gabriel's.
Adrien raised his eyes to the door, where a figure in black leather stood.
Adrien's throat was already dry, and he almost gagged on his feeding tube.
"Relax, it's just me." Said the figure, becoming more visible.
Chat Noir had come to visit him.
Wait.
He rubbed his thumb over his ring finger, not feeling his Miraculous.
"Nah, don't worry. I'm a hallucination born of a lot of pain meds and trauma. I don't think the doc ever had a time to explain that to you."
So he was crazy now?
"No, you're not crazy. My visits will fade with time. But you have to talk somehow."
To who? Himself?
"Yeah. Better than no one. Now, I know what you're thinking. Why Chat? Why not regular Adrien? It's because you don't want to be Adrien right now."
True.
"But Chat's always been your creative outlet. Your source of bravery, your fun side. Maybe you'll listen to me better."
Listen to him? What did he have to listen to?
"Your attitude stinks," Chat said fiercely. "How dare you. You should be glad they can't see your facial expressions. Nino was so worried about you, and you tuned him out! Tom and Sabine? They took time away from their own daughter, who's hurt just as bad as you are, to come see you and to love on you, and you doubted them! Your own father, who has never showed an ounce of care for you in years, is here, right here!" He gestured to the man who was oblivious to the exchange. "He's left his house, he appeared in public, and he looks like a hobo! Because of you! I know this isn't going to undo all those years of hurt, but you have to acknowledge him. It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to you if you don't."
And when he wasn't dying in a hospital? When Gabriel decides everything is fine now, and turns back into a robot?
"Then that's his problem. Then you can say 'screw it' and be with Marinette." He took a few steps closer and loomed over him, threateningly. Though he was a hallucination, Adrien feared he might actually get hurt.
"More than anything, you need to apologize to Plagg."
Plagg abandoned him. No matter how many times he called for him, he never came. Not in the darkest places, in the longest nights…
"He was asleep in the ring! You can't blame him for that! Don't you know how much he loves you? He's been with you every moment since you got the ring. He's your constant companion, and he knows how to make you feel better. Why would you push him away?"
He promised never to leave Adrien alone ever again.
"That wasn't his fault. You know that. I'm right here, telling you. And I am you. That part of you that Salo tried so damn hard to stamp out. That part of you that loves unconditionally, that gives second chances to those that don't deserve it. The part of you that made you worthy of the Miraculous."
Well, Adrien was tired of that part of him. It only lead to trouble.
"Deny me all you want, but I'm the foundation to your very being. I'm not going anywhere. This is who you are, Adrien. Accept it, or spend the rest of your life in denial and misery."
"Adrien?" The small, timid voice of Plagg spoke up. "Are you still awake?"
The kwami floated into his vision, his limbs limp, his ears drooped, and eyes downcast. "Listen…I know…I know you feel like…" He sighed, unable to find the words. Adrien knew he was always bad with feelings. "I love you, Adrien," he said finally. "You're my favorite holder I've ever had. I would never, ever intentionally abandon you. When Salo took off the ring…I felt ripped away from you. I felt it. It was the worst feeling ever. Then I was alone in the ring, waiting. I didn't know if you were killed or—" Fat tears fell from his eyes as he struggled to continue. "And then I woke up, and I found you…and you were in surgery and there was all that blood—" he dissolved into quiet sobbing.
Maybe Chat Noir had a point. Maybe everyone was right. Even if the only person, or kwami, gunning for him was Plagg, he would be unstoppable.
It took great effort, but Adrien raised his hand and wrapped his fingers around Plagg's small body, stroking his head with his thumb.
"Are…are you still mad at me? Wink once for yes, and twice for no."
Wink wink.