Disclaimer: I don't own the show or any of its characters
'What a peculiar task you got yourself here Sidney' he thought to himself, and what a peculiar task indeed. He had been preparing himself for a trip down to the 4077 anyway, but for a whole other more cheery matter, now he was preparing to go save a dead man. 'Never a quiet day with Hawkeye Pierce' Sidney thought to himself remembering the young doctor working with the 4077 M*A*S*H* unit i Chorea; 'Dead or alive, always creating a turmoil' Sidney smiled to himself. He had been preparing a trip to the 4077 for the monthly medical convention as their monthly poker night was called, since gambling wasn't well seen upon amongst the army. Now he had been tasked to come talk down a dead man, from doing something reckless that could very well end up getting him killed; 'Indeed never a quiet day with you Hawkeye'. He shook his head a last time and closed his bag, 'ready to leave and save the dead' he laughed to himself.
At first he had found it funny that somebody had declared him dead, him and Hunnicut had definitely joked a lot about it. But they still hadn't been able to reach his father and tell him that Hawkeye wasn't actually dead, and it was nagging at Hawkeye to think of his father and the grieving he was having. On top of everything was the fact that because of him technically being declared dead it meant no money on payday, and no way of getting by or getting anything, Frank was even making sure his mail be withholden do to him being dead and therefore not having a legal ID. 'This reeks' Hawkeye thought to himself, kicking another stone out into the minefield, this time succeeding in setting of another mine, camp barely registered the mines exploding anymore because of Hawkeye having set of so many by now kicking rocks, a few still looked out the tents but upon seeing Hawkeye returned to their daily usuals. The minefield had been Potter's last drop, and he had called for Sidney to come talk with Hawkeye before the man actually succeeded in becoming dead by accident, or just as bad got someone else in camp killed by enemy because of the noise he was making; Sidney had of course agreed, and Potter had giving the order of having Hawkeye retained in his barracks by the MP's do to him being a threat to himself or others, an order Hawkeye had of course made a big fuss over;
"You're not the boss over this dead man. Maybe when I was alive you were, but now I am dead and my own damn boss" Hawkeye had yelled.
"You may be dead, but as long as you are in this camp you're under my command" Potter had told him sternly, not caring for Hawkeye's yelling.
"Well it ain't like I got somewhere else I could damn go without money, now is it?" Hawkeye continued yelling.
"You will go to your quarters and stay there under supervision", Potter was yelling now as well; "At least until Sidney can clear you" he sighted pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Oh this is just great, you called in the head doctor on me" Hawkeye yelled. "And what is he supposed to do, call me crazy?" he asked sarcastically. "Not like he can take a dead man with him anyway right?" he asked in a bitter tone.
"You will do as told" Potter said and added sternly, looking Hawkeye straight in the eyes while doing so, "Dead or alive".
Hawkeye threw his arms in the air and said annoyed, while storming out of the office and being stopped by the waiting MP's: "Just great, first I die, and now I'm under house arrest". But of course it became as the colonel had ordered.
"So Hawkeye, wanna tell me what I'm here for today?" Sidney asked the jokester laughing.
"Well Sidney, if you find out why don't you tell me" Hawkeye answered sourly.
"Oh I see", Sidney just said, Hawkeye not even turning to look at Sidney. Hawkeye had been laying in his cot in all the time Sidney had been there, his back turned to Sidney and not in a talkative mood. "Well how about you tell me what's new in your life lately?" Sidney asked jollily, knowing very well that Hawkeye would react upon him using the word life, since Hawkeye had technically been declared not alive. Sidney figured whatever was going on with Hawkeye, it had to do with him recently becoming a dead man who was still alive and walking, but he needed Hawkeye to confirm.
"HA" Hawkeye said sourly, this time standing up and turning around so he was looking directly down at the shrink. "Like you haven't already heard it doc, but I don't have a life, I'm dead" he said, giving out a cold laughter without any happiness in it.
"Ah, but you don't seem dead to me" Sidney tried, Hawkeye just huffed, turned his back on Sidney and went back to the cot to lay with his back turned towards the shrink. "And the noise you created around here suddenly didn't sound like a dead man either" Sidney commented with a mischievous smile, Hawkeye just almost having admitted what Sidney expected all along since seeing him in his cot in the swamp.
"Haven't you ever heard of a poltergeist doc" Hawkeye said, his voice cold and dead, without any humor in it.
"Oh yes" Sidney said, getting more mischievous for the minute. "Then tell me mr. Poltergeist, what happened to this place", he gestured around the tent which was scaringly clean considering its normal state; "Was this as well your workings?". Hawkeye didn't turn, he knew what the shrink was referring to.
"What about it?" he huffed. "Had to do something after I was confined to this hell hole" Hawkeye answered, with the first sign of emotion in his voice since Sidney came.
"Ah I see", Sidney said, receiving another huff from Hawkeye.
"I'm glad one of us is" Hawkeye huffed sarcastically, making Sidney smirk. "And by the way I never said I was a poltergeist, I just said that even the dead can make a noise sometimes" Hawkeye added, still not looking at the doc, this time holding back a tear and a sob which were threatening to form, but he didn't want Sidney to see him as week or crazy.
"You didn't?" Sidney challenged with a smirk.
"No, I didn't", Hawkeye answered sourly.
"So let me get this straight; You're dead, but making a wreckage, which is impossible for a dead person, unless they are a poltergeist, but you're not a poltergeist. Is this correct?" Sidney asked innocently, anticipating Hawkeye's answer and preparing his next question.
"I guess" Hawkeye just shrugged, still with his back turned
"So what are you then?" Sidney challenged again, this time more serious, unsure of how Hawkeye would respond this time. Silence filled the tent for a long time, but then Sidney heard the small, almost whispering voice of Hawkeye
"I'm nothing" Hawkeye whispered, then turned angrily in his cot to sit up and look straight into the eyes of the shrink; "I'm nothing and nobody, neither man nor ghost, and somehow I seem to be both", Hawkeye said angrily at the shrink, "I have no identity, Hawkeye Pierce is dead. I have no money or receive any payment, for I don't exist. I have no voice, for it was strangled with my connection to the world" he slumped back into his cot, laying with his back turned yet again, but this time not holding back on the tears or the sobs, who cared anyway.
"And how did that make you feel?" Sidney pressed. Hawkeye turned to look at the shrink with teary eyes.
"How do you think it made me feel?" He asked angrily through his sobs.
"I don't know, you tell me", Sidney challenged, Hawkeye had to be the one saying it.
"Don't wanna play this game doc, not with you or anyone else" Hawkeye stated, staying turned towards Sidney
"I need you to say it Hawkeye. How did it make you feel when finding out you were dead?" Sidney said, looking at Hawkeye who seemed like he would break at any moment. Hawkeye remained silent, but the tears and sobs slowed down. Sidney didn't ask again, he knew Hawkeye had heard him, and knew that waiting long enough he would eventually tell. For a long time they just looked at each other, Sidney with sympathy and Hawkeye with pain and anger, almost like a powerbattle between the two.
"Fine doc, you win", Hawkeye sighted in defeet. "Relieved okay, I felt relieved when told I was dead" Hawkeye admitted.
"Why?" Sidney just asked, not surprised, just professionnel.
"Because I was free", Hawkeye answered, having given up on trying to avoid this talk with Sidney.
"Free of what?" Sidney pressed, knowing they were getting closer now.
"Of everything, of nothing, who knows. I was just free" Hawkeye shrugged uncomfortably with the situation, building back up his emotional wall, distancing himself from Sidney's prying questions.
"No, there's more", Sidney pressed, trying to break the wall back down before it got too strong.
"What more do you need?" Hawkeye said, starting to feel annoyed with Sidney again.
"I need you to tell me the truth you are so afraid of admitting" Sidney answered. "I need you to tell me why you were relieved of being free, and what it is you feel trapped by" Sidney pressed.
"I just did", Hawkeye said annoyed.
"No you told me you felt relieved and free, not why or from what" Sidney said simply.
"From here, God damn it. From this stinking hell hole. For a moment I was free of this God awful WAR, going HOME" Hawkeye raged, partly yelling the last parts of his confession, before breaking down crying; "And then I was not, I was just trapped in the same hell, no way of contacting home to tell them I was not dead, not even being allowed home for my own damn funeral", Hawkeye continued crying, "My dad thinks that I'm dead, and I'm stuck here unable to reach him and ease the pain, unable to do anything because I'm dead to the army, yet I'm forced to stay".
"Right, so you were relieved of being dead, that relief turning to anger, then what? Did you stay angry?" Sidney challenged again, needing Hawkeye to admit to something more than the relief.
"Why are you doing this to me Sydney?" Hawkeye asked with a fragile voice, looking Sidney in the eyes with so much pain in his own.
"Because you need to say it", Sidney answered, trying hard not to look too deep into those eyes of Hawkeye Pierce, eyes that were begging for him to stop. "It's time Hawkeye, time for you to tell me why I was really called here"
"I can't" Hawkeye whispered
"You can", Sidney said as if it was a statement of fact, "You have to"
"But what will happen when I do?" Hawkeye whispered again, looking down at the ground.
"What will happen if you don't?" Sidney answered, moving to sit closer yet still directly across from Hawkey. After another moment of silence, where Hawkeye mostly fidgeted with the sleeves of his rope and stared down at his shoes, Hawkeye look up and stared into Sidney's eyes again;
"I wanted to die for real" Hawkeye said without hesitation, Sidney just barely managing to catch him when he collapsed. Sidney placed Hawkeye in his cot.
"Now let's see what we can do about getting you whole", Sidney whispered to Hawkeye, who had passed out from the emotional distress the conversation had brought on, "and then let's see about that damn funeral" he laughed to himself.