Chapter 47 Ireland Calls

Dark turbulent waves crested and crashed against the sides of the Mira. The water as sinister and violent as Jamie's dreams of late. If the wretched bouts of sea sickness churning his stomach weren't enough; his inner reflections while continuing to heal from his poisoning kept him in a weakened state and poor mood.

Swinging in the hammocks they slept in within the belly of the cargo ship, Jamie turned to Murtagh who was busy smoking his pipe, a dire question resonating on his lips.

"I know ye told me a dozen times it isna yer tale to tell...but I beg ye-I...I need to know."

Murtagh let out a long sigh, his exasperation evident.

"I truly wish ye would let this go, I promise ye don't want to be hearing such tales." Murtagh pleaded, dragging a long inhale from his pipe.

"If I am to do better... be better, I need to know everything."

The older man thought on his reasoning, mulling it over before finally conceding to Jamie's wish.

"Aye, ye do when ye put it that way."

Murtagh laid back in his hammock as he began the story.

"The lass was doing very poorly after ya left for Lallybroch. Even with her own treatments some of her wounds began to fester which made traveling even more painful for her. What would have taken a day took near three to get her back to Leoch."

Jamie's face, already pale became ashen as he took a long swig of his flask.

"Mrs. Fitz tended to her body while Angus and Rupert made quick work trying to raise her spirit. But no matter what anyone did she barely ate, refusing to function aside from taking the tea for her pain. Now ye see she was like this before...when ye were ill and she was taking care of you. She didna eat, barely slept; so I suppose on our part we became accustomed to it. That was our fault."

Murtagh cursed, grabbing for the whiskey before he continued on.

"Then came the night when Ned brought a letter to Leoch."

Jamie's body tensed at the ominous statement. A lump of fear forming in his throat.

"Ned came ta me first and had me join him when he handed her yer letter. She didna show any sign of emotion, it was like watching a ghost. She just sat down, read and reread yer words then asked for parchment and ink to do as ye asked of her."

Murtagh shook his head at the memory.

"I shouldna of left her alone. I've seen that look… I know that look…" He admitted gruffly.

"When Ned left to send back the papers; I went to yer Uncles to inform them that we had to come up with a plan to keep the lass away from the watch as well as Randall. We even got as far as going to suggest the idea of remarrying after Rupert volunteered on his own accord."

"I was only gone a wee bit of time. When I came to tell her we had a few good plans and to not worry, I found the door locked. I pounded on that damn door, begging her to open it. Finally I had to kick it in."

Jamie's breathing all but stopped as he hung to every word in horror.

Murtagh's lip quivered as he remembered in detail, a small stutter breaking up his voice.

"She was...laying on the floor by the window. Yer letter was soaking up the flow of blood coming from her wrist. She had taken one of her knives and slashed through her handfast mark."

He took another long drink as he glared at Jamie who sat stupefied.

"I grabbed her and wrapped my hand around her wound, I tried to stop the bleeding. Luckily Mrs. Fitz heard ma screams and fetched Alec who sewed her up like he did his injured horses. If she hadna been so weak she would have…" He trailed off.

"Lucky fer us, she had no strength to cut as deep as she intended."

With that confession Jamie's worst fear had been proved true.
"Why-what?"

"There's more." Murtagh whispered. "Ireland. I-was..I...I convinced her that she had to give me time to try and change her mind. But- if she was still determined..."

"No! Don't say it!" Jamie lunged, grabbing for Murtagh's shirt.

"I would take her home and help her end it so she wouldna condemn herself ta Hell."

Jamie began to hyperventilate, his body buzzing with anxiety.

"She's going home ta die?" Jamie sobbed, "And ye were going ta...and ye were never going ta tell me! She was just…"

"I told ye, it isna my tale to tell. She is steadfast to stop her pain lad. Nothing anyone can do, or say can change that, if it's what she truly wants. I would rather be there and show her love and understanding than to abandon her to that darkness alone."

The world felt like it was crumbling in on itself and the boat was not going fast enough.

"I had hoped the trip would give me time to change her mind, that helping Jenny would even help. I tried ma best to keep ye two apart to keep her mind on a healing track instead of her pain but now..." He took another long drink, " I have no idea what mindset the Lass is in."