I wake up and I'm in Darcy's arms. I stretch out and look up. He's awake, but his eyes are red and puffy and his face is wet with tears. He's been crying. Because of me. He smiles at me, but it's a sad smile. I can see the worry, fear, sadness… all of it in his face. The same things I saw in my parents' faces in the doctor's office. We just lay there for a while before he speaks up. "When is your next doctor's appointment?" he asks.
"Tomorrow." I whisper. He pulls me onto his lap and I lean back, resting my head on his shoulder. I can tell he wants to ask so many questions. I laugh slightly. "Treatment: I'll see my options tomorrow and decide what's best. I have about 6-9 months if the treatment does work for the most part. I can be 'cured' but it's a long shot with it being stage 4 borderline terminal with a brain tumor it's kind of a death sentence." I see the panic in his eyes. "Oh right. AML. Acute myeloid leukemia. It's fast spreading and can cause cancer in other parts of the body, hence why I have a brain tumor. Without treatment I have weeks… 2 months max they said." I realize I'm overexplaining and stop talking. "You don't have to be with me. You have enough on your plate and this isn't helping…"
"I'm not leaving you. I never will. I don't want to." He says, cutting me off. I stay quiet.
"I'm going to the doctor's office alone tomorrow. My parents want to go but they have a big order and I told them not to worry about it. If you want to come you can… you don't…"
"I'll be there. What time do you want me to pick you up?" He answers immediately.
"I'm actually staying here tonight with Emma. I'm trying to cheer her up. I'm trying to cheer everyone up. Or everyone that knows." I say. I look down at my hands.
"Who all knows? Everyone?"
"You, Emma, my parents… you all know. Nobody else. You and Emma were the hardest people I had to tell."
He nods. "How did Em take it?"
"Alright. She cried. But I had to leave before things could really sink in. She's been trying to act strong but I'm not sure how much longer she can keep up the act. You know how she gets. Shuts out feelings and then bursts."
He nods again, but without saying anything. I sit facing him as slow, quiet minutes pass. "I love you." he says and I look up. He takes my hands into his and continues, "I love you so so so much. You aren't alone. You won't be. Ever. I'll go to every appointment, every scan, every treatment session you want me at… and then some." I laugh a little. "I don't want to lose you. I refuse to lose you so soon."
He starts to cry and for once I pull him into me instead of the other way around. "You aren't going to lose me. I'm gonna fight. So hard. And you'll be there every step of the way." I tilt his face up to meet mine. "I promise." I kiss him and he tightens his grip around my waist. I run my fingers through his hair. I have to fight. For him.
"So Ms. Delaney, I'm going to need you to change into the gown for me before we run tests and do a physical exam." I nod as the nurse hands me a gown and walks out of the room.
"I'll go too." Darcy says, standing up.
"Just pull back the curtain. It'll take me 20 seconds. Then I'll most likely need you to tie the back." I laugh and he does too. He kisses my forehead and closes the curtain. I slip my clothes off and the gown on. "Ready." I say and Darcy closes the curtain. He ties the 2 ties in the back and steps back. I can see the look in his eyes. I feel it too. It's all becoming way too real. "Hey, remember no crying or getting emotional. We talked about this." I remind him.
He plants yet another kiss on my forehead. "I'm not, I'm not." He steps back and pulls out his phone. "Take a picture with me?" he asks.
"Why?" I laugh. "I'm in a medical gown and my hair isn't done too well… no makeup…"
"Because I want a picture with you. So we can have this to look back on when you kick this cancer's butt. Document the journey. And you look gorgeous. So shush." he says with a laugh. He leans in and we take a picture of the 2 of us. "Now one of the beautiful model in front of me." I throw up peace signs and laugh.
"This model is showing off this lovely blue medical gown with 2 high class fancy ties in the back. It also has a hole in it for god knows what and the sleeves have the luxury of buttons to convert it to an off-the-shoulder dress." He laughs and I see an honest to god true Darcy smile. Oh how I've missed it the past 24 hours.
He gets serious again but still has a slight smile. Probably one to help ease my nerves. "You ready?" he asks me.
"No. But I'll never be ready. So why not just get it done and over with?" As I say that a nurse walks in to take some blood and another doctor gives me a physical exam. We take heat CTs to see my brain tumor and we wind back up in the room it all started.
An hour passes and a completely different doctor comes in. "Hello Jess. I'm Dr. Taylor Geniara. During this process I'll be your oncologist. Let's discuss treatment okay?" I nod and grip Darcy's hand. He squeezes it 3 times, his way of saying I love you without verbally saying it. "Your cancer has progressed in the past 2 weeks. The tumor is significantly larger and your pancreas isn't at the best levels. So I want to set you put with a neurosurgeon to have him look at the tumor and decide if he wants to try and shrink it with chemo first or operate. For you AML, I want to do chemo and see if it responds. If it does, your pancreas should heal itself because it has minimal damage right now. Until then, I want you treating yourself as if you were a diabetic. Monitoring your glucose, insulin shots at least once a day at a low dose to provide extra support, all that fun stuff." I nod when the doctor pauses. Darcy squeezes my hand. "It's going to be a long road Jess. You have a support system right?"
"I have the best one yet." I say, thinking of all my friends and family and Darcy.
"Good. Because you'll need them. This is going to be hard on you Jess. Hard on your body. You could feel tired and weak for a long time. Like some of the side effects of your treatment could be that you'll lose your hair and never be able to have kids on your own." I freeze. I don't dare look at Darcy. He loves my hair. And we've only been dating for almost a year. At the moment I really wish he wasn't here. "So you want to proceed with the treatment?"
"I guess so. Without it I'll be dead in weeks right? There's no other choice." I say, feeling tears start to fall down my face. Stop crying Jess! I scold myself.
The doctor sees me and wraps things up. "I'll schedule your first chemo appointment and the appointment with the neurologist. I'll see you then Jess."
She walks out the door. Tears continue to flow down my face. Darcy stands up from his chair. "Hey after we leave, want to get a bite to eat?" He takes one look at my face and his face fills with more worry than before. "Hey," he says, wiping my tears and hugging me. "Why are you crying? I mean I know why, but are you just scared or…"
"This is scary Darcy." I say, muffling my cries into his chest. "And I don't want to lose my hair or give up doing things I normally do. I don't want to be that sick girl."
He tilts my face to meet his. "I know this is scary. I'm scared too. Your parents are scared and so is Emma. But we're all here for you. And you have so many more people that are here for you. As for your hair… it'll grow back. I'm gonna miss your hair too. I won't have any braids to tug on." I laugh and wipe my tears on my hand. "But it doesn't matter as long as you get healthy. As long as you're here with me. If it makes you feel better I'll buy you all the wigs you want. But I think you'll look just as beautifully stunning without your hair. You'll have to give up some of the stuff you normally do but I'll try my hardest to help you do anything and everything you need and want to do. You aren't just some sick girl. You aren't at all. You're my girl. The love of my life. The most beautiful person in the universe. You aren't anything less." I nod and he kisses me. "You feel better?" I nod and give him the best smile I can muster. "Good because I'm starving, so change into your clothes and let's go get something to eat. What sounds good? Anything special you want?"
"Can we go get ice cream at Kimball Farm?" I ask.
"Whatever the princess wants she shall receive." he says, bowing. I laugh and hit his arm. He shuts the curtain again and I change back into my normal clothes. I open the curtain and Darcy extends his hand. I take it and we walk out, stopping at the front desk to pick up my appointment cards. I look at him and he gives me a Darcy smile, one I've always loved, except it's tainted with worry. This is really scary, but at least I have him by my side through it all.