There's a knock at my hospital room door. I wipe away my tears as I say, "Come in."
"Hey Jess." It's Emma.
"Hey Em." She comes and takes the place where Darcy was.
"Where's Darcy? I thought he'd be here with you." She asks, and I stay quiet. "Jess?" she says looking at me.
"I told him to go. I shouldn't have ever told him about the cancer Emma. It was a mistake." I say, feeling the tears in my eyes.
"You guys fought didn't you?" she asks.
"I don't know if it was a fight but he was mad because…" my voice fades off.
"I think he just doesn't want to lose you. He loves you. We're all scared Jess. You may not like it or want us to be but we are. And I think you're being stubborn and a little aggressive because you think you're fine. You're in denial. You don't think anything is wrong because you don't want people taking care of you or feeling bad for you. So you resort to being aggressive and pushing people away. That's just my opinion and I think you and I both know I'm right."
There's a brief period of silence. "You really think I'm being too hard on everyone Emma?" I ask.
"Yes and no. I think you're being too hard on yourself. Jess you aren't defective. You're sick. Whether you want to hear it or not you are and people just want to help you because we don't want you to die. Darcy doesn't want you to die. So by you being easy on yourself it makes it easier on everyone else. Make sense?" I nod slightly and trace my finger around my IV. Emma grabs my hands and I look up at her. "Let us help you."
Before I can say anything a gurney is rolled into my room with 2 nurses behind it. "Ms. Delaney are you ready?" the tall blonde one asks.
"Um… no my family isn't back from eating yet. I have to wait for them." I say.
"They're already down in Pre-Op. They're all just waiting for you." the shorter one informs me. I nod and get onto the bed. As I'm getting wheeled down the hall, Emma's at my side holding my hand. They take me into the Pre-Op bay where my mom and dad are waiting. "It'll be about 30 minutes, maybe 45." the short nurse tells us and then they leave.
I look around at all the machines and needles with long tubing attached. Before I know it, I'm crying. "Oh Jess…" my dad says trying to calm me down. The machine starts to beep, indicating my heart rate is rising.
"I… need Darcy. Please." I say gasping. Emma takes off out of the room while my parents are trying to console me. Emma was right.
A few minutes later Darcy is at my side, holding my hand and stroking my hair. "What's wrong?" he asks me repeatedly.
Once I can choke back my tears I say, "I'm really scared."
I see a tear drip down his cheek. "I am too." he whispers.
"Please don't leave me." I say, the crying starting back up again.
"I won't, I promise. Just breathe. Take deep breaths. Inhale…" we both breathe in unison, "...exhale." And we exhale in unison too. We continued that until I got my crying under control and after he sits on the side of my bed. He's holding onto my hand while my dad holds my other. My mom stands behind my dad and Emma is at the foot of my bed smiling a sad smile at me. They all have that same, sad smile.
"Everyone says good luck Jess and that they love you." Emma says. I smile at her but I'm feeling weak.
"What if I die? What happens then?" I ask my dad.
He looks at Darcy and then back to me. "It's not for anyone to think about Jess. Not for anyone to worry about."
"They shaved part of my head. Now my hair is either going to grow uneven or fall out all together from the chemo." I say. "I'm feeling a little sleepy."
"That's because we've already started you on a very low dose of anesthetic." my neurosurgeon walks in my bay. "Now you need to keep this oxygen cannula on until we administer more anesthetic in the OR where we'll cover your mouth and nose with a mask that will be pure oxygen until you're completely under. Then we will intubate you and go on with the operation." She says as she's putting the cannula around my ears and placing the nose pieces of the tube in my nose. "Sounds good?"
Panic floods my mind. "No. No, I can't do this." I say trying to get up. Darcy and my dad are holding me down. "Stop! Stop I said stop!"
"Jess calm down. We're trying to help you. You need this surgery." Darcy says.
"No no no." I whine. "I don't want there to be something wrong with me."
Darcy holds my face and I look at him. "There's nothing wrong with you. You have cancer. It's not you it's the sickness. You're a little loopy. Please. Just let them help you. Do you trust me?" I nod, feeling weaker than before. "Let them go through with the plan. I'll be waiting right here when you wake up."
"Promise?" I say, choking back tears.
"I promise. I love you." he says. For some reason I can't say it back. My body feels… off. Probably the medicine. The last thing I remember is his smiling face with tears streaming down.
This is the make or break moment. The one that kills me faster or delays death.