"Celebrity Jeopardy: Three Houses"
Rated T for a bit of Mild Language
Summary: Find out as your favorite students and everyone you know and love compete in the most smartest game show known to man. Or not, considering how well their I.Q.'s will hold up when it comes to a certain mustached host.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated with Fire Emblem or Saturday Night Live. Fire Emblem: Three Houses and its characters are owned by Nintendo and Saturday Night Live is owned by Lorne Michaels and NBC itself. Anyway, this fic will be dedicated to both Alex Trebek and Sean Connery, who we both lost this month. I've decided to do this story, because nobody thought to do a Fire Emblem Three Houses and Saturday Night Live's Celebrity Jeopardy crossover until now. So, alas, this one's for you Fire Emblem and Saturday Night Live fans!
P.S.: This one goes out in memory of both of you, Trebek and Connery. Rest in power, my good men.
Chapter 1: Byleth Eisner, Dorothea Arnault and Yuri LeClerc
The Celebrity Jeopardy theme song started playing out loud for the rest of the applauding audience before the camera switched over to the Jeopardy set where a certain host was standing there with his trademark moustache, dapper tuxedo and the beaten-down depressed expression on his face. He wasn't alone though as he was standing next to three other contestants, which strangely enough, all happened to be from the game Fire Emblem Three Houses. Once the Celebrity Jeopardy theme song finally died down, Trebek finally decided to speak toward the camera with defeat.
"And welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy," Trebek sighed before saying, "For those of you who are still watching this program, we deeply apologize for the racist remarks that were made before the commercial break. Because of that, the FCC had to fine us $8,000,000. Most of that money though had to come from my contract. With that said, let's take a look at our scores. Byleth Eisner is in first place with $10."
The camera soon shifted to the first podium, where Byleth was shown with a determined look in his face.
"That money of course was all I had in my pocket." Byleth replied.
"Nice to know, Byleth." Trebek nodded before saying, "Moving on, Dorothea Arnault is in 2nd place with $-12,500. It was originally $-2,500, but we penalized Dorothea an extra -10,000 for that lewd conduct she made to Byleth during the middle of the game."
The camera then shifted over to the second podium where Dorothea was standing there with a flirtatious smile on her face.
"Oh, come on, so I jerked the professor's gherkin, no need to penalize me for that." The songstress winked.
"You do realize this is a family show, right Dorothea?" Trebek reminded her before saying, "And in last place, Yuri LeClerc, whose score is so low that the rest of the 9's he was getting couldn't fill his podium."
The camera officially scrolled right over to the third podium where Yuri of the Ashen Wolves was standing with a dopey grin on his face.
After the applause died down, Yuri said with a grin, "For those of you all knew, I'm the one with the racist remarks!"
"Yes, everyone knows that, Mr. LeClerc..." Trebek cut him off while rolling his eyes, "Anyway, here are the categories for Double Jeopardy."
The camera then immediately scrolled over to the Jeopardy board where the first category was highlighted, leading the host to read the entire categories from left to right.
"They are Potent Potables, Foods that ends in "Izza", Famous Horses, What Show Is It?, Look Up To The Ceiling, and finally, Donuts. You choose this category, and you get free donuts." Trebek said before looking to Byleth, "Mr. Eisner, since you are in the lead, you choose first. May I suggest Donuts?"
Byleth shook his head before saying, "Oh, no thanks, I already ate."
"I wasn't offering you donuts, Mr. Eisner." Trebek shook his head back.
"Good, I wasn't hungry anyway." The swordsman retorted.
Trebek rolled his eyes before turning to Dorothea, "Never mind, we're gonna let Dorothea choose a category."
The songstress found herself staring up at the Potent Potables category, therefore asking Trebek, "Um, Potent Potables, what on earth is that about?"
"It's about alcohol, Miss Arnault." Trebek replied.
"Ugh, can't stand alcohol." Dorothea shook her head before smirking naughtily at the host, "I'd like a category about hot dogs, though. Because I definitely know my way around a hot dog, if you know what I mean..."
The host found himself rolling his eyes again before reminding Dorothea, "I recommend you keep this family-friendly here, miss. You know what, let's just forget this and go right to What Show Is It for $400. And just forget about the clue, just tell me what show you're on right now and you get points."
*BZZT!*
"Mr. LeClerc?" Trebek said to Yuri, who rang his buzzer.
Yuri attempted to answer before shrugging his shoulders and said to the host, "I forgot."
"You forgot..." Trebek muttered to Yuri, "If you didn't know the answer, then why did you even bother ringing in?"
"I had the answer, but it kinda left my brain." Yuri shrugged yet again.
The host found himself shaking his head, "What was I thinking letting you on my show?"
Yuri shrugged once more before Dorothea rang in her buzzer.
*BZZT!*
"Dorothea?" The host replied.
Dorothea then took in a shrug saying, "I forgot too."
"Miss, you do realize the show's name is right behind me, right?" Trebek said as he pointed to the Jeopardy sign right behind him.
"Sorry about that," The songstress apologized to the host before replying, "It's just that I have sausages on my mind. You know what I'm talking about, right? The kind of sausage that I know how to smoke really good?"
Trebek found himself rolling his eyes again before gesturing over to Byleth, "Well, you definitely smoked the professor's in the middle of the game earlier..."
*BZZT!*
"Mr. Eisner?" The host said to Byleth.
The blue-haired professor then said with a smile, "It's a game show, of course."
"Yes, it is, but which game show are we on, Byleth?" Trebek asked him politely.
Byleth attempted to think up an answer for a good several seconds before saying to the host, "Double Jeopardy?"
The buzzer then sounded off on the professor, indicating that the answer he guessed was wrong.
"Not even close, Byleth." Trebek shook his head, "The answer was, of course, Celebrity Jeopardy."
"Then why did you say this was Double Jeopardy, then?" Byleth asked the host, all before drawing out his Sword of the Creator towards him in a threatening tone, "Are you lying to me, Trebek?"
Trebek sighed as he said to Byleth, "Double Jeopardy is just the name of the round, it's not the actual- you know what, forget it. Just choose another category, Byleth. You have control of the board."
"You got lucky that time, Trebek." Byleth pointed to him before drawing his sword back into his handle. He then looked to the board and said, "Okay, I'll have Famous Whores for $400."
Trebek looked very mindboggled of what Byleth said before looking up to the category that said Famous Horses. The host found himself rolling his eyes before correcting Byleth, "Byleth, it's Famous Horses, not Famous Whores!"
"No, it's actually Whores. The first S is silent." Byleth smirked.
The host immediately shook his head as he said, "I feel sorry your mother gave birth to you."
*BZZT!*
"What is it, Miss Arnault?" Trebek said to Dorothea.
The songstress then shouted, "I'm a whore!"
"Yeah, good to know." Trebek sighed depressingly.
*BZZT!*
"Mr. LeClerc?" The host replied to Yuri.
Yuri then smirked as he said, "I like man-whores."
Trebek found himself hitting his own forehead in frustration, knowing that the three contestants the host was dealing with at this moment were quite stupid in their way. He soon cleared his thoughts soon enough for the host himself to regain his focus.
"You know what, maybe that was a bad idea." Trebek shook his head, "Let's just move on and continue with Famous Horses for $400. The answer is this, 'Twilight Sparkle is this kind of female horse.' And just to help you all out, the answer is 'pony'. If one of you say 'pony', you get the points."
There were only a few seconds of silence before...
*BZZT!*
"Oh, thank god, Mr. Eisner?" Trebek said to Byleth.
"Who is Dorothea?" The blue-haired professor then replied with a smirk.
Trebek shook his head before shouting at Byleth, "Once again, it's Famous Whores-Uh, I mean, horses!"
"See, I knew it was Famous Whores!" Byleth pointed to Trebek, "Gimme the points."
"It's not the right answer, Byleth!" Trebek said, angrily losing his patience.
"But it's soooooo the right answer!" Dorothea smirked to the host before gesturing over to Byleth, "Now please give my lover the points."
"No, I will not." The host said with a groan, "Let's just go right ahead with Final Jeopardy. And forget about the category, all you have to do to win is to tell me what your favorite person in the world is."
With his clue finished and done with, the Final Jeopardy theme song was played in full-blast, leading all three contestants to draw their answers while Trebek talked to him as a way to help them out.
"Remember, this is all about your favorite person. It could be a father, perhaps a mother, your favorite celebrity, or perhaps even your own archbishop. It could be anybody as long as it's a favorite person."
The Final Jeopardy theme finally died down at the same time the trio of contestants put down their pens, only for Trebek to come take a look at them. The first podium he decided to take a look at first was of course, Byleth's.
"Okay, let's see what kind of masterpieces our contestants came up with this time," Trebek said, rolling his eyes in an unsure way, "Byleth Eisner, you look very determined for yourself. Let's see what you put down."
Byleth's answer: I
"Okay, it looks like you wrote yourself as your favorite person, so technically that counts." Trebek replied.
"Yeah, it just came to me all of a sudden." Byleth said, nodding to the mustachioed host himself.
Trebek then nodded, "How nice. And your wager..."
Byleth's wager: Love Whores
"Love whores..." Trebek said, reading the clue slowly before putting them together, "I love whores..."
Byleth took in a smirk before patting Trebek in the back, "What can I say? I'm a catch back at Garreg Mach."
The host found himself shaking his own head, due to the stupidity Byleth showed to him today.
"Well, good luck to the cathouse you'll soon build yourself..." Trebek replied, rolling his eyes.
The professor then turned around and gasped to the host in amazement, "Hey, how did you know I was gonna make one?"
"Moving on already!" Trebek shouted quickly before going to Dorothea's podium, "Okay, Dorothea, I hope you found yourself a favorite person. You wrote..."
Dorothea's answer: Me
"You wrote down 'Me'," The host said in wonder, "That's kinda odd of you considering you dislike yourself in that Three Houses bio, but regardless, that too is also a correct answer."
"Yeah, I'll admit I kinda had a change of heart about me, so I'll admit I actually like myself for once." Dorothea shrugged to the host.
"Quite surprising, Dorothea." Trebek nodded to her, "Anyway, let's see what you wagered."
Dorothea's wager: And Byleth had sex in your trailer before the show
Trebek was once again appalled by the wager Dorothea suddenly gave him in surprise.
He somehow shook his head slowly before reading the entire answer and wager very carefully, "Me... and Byleth had sex in your trailer before the show. I assume you mean my trailer."
"You got that right!" Dorothea said, nodding to Trebek.
Byleth on the other hand, shot a very flirtatious look at her as if her flirtatiousness somehow got him very turned on.
"Oh my goddess, I love your dirtiness..." The professor smirked very hungrily.
"Well, thank you, lover." Dorothea winked over to Byleth before saying, "Care to dirty me up then?"
"You don't have to tell me twice." Byleth said, winking back to her before approaching the beautiful songstress herself.
It didn't take too long for both Byleth and Dorothea to engage in a very hot make-out session, kissing the hell out of each other in front of a cat-calling audience. They immediately went crazy for this battle of tonsil hockey, which truth be told, did a good job of pissing off Trebek right now.
"I so hate the both of you." Trebek shook his head to the lovebirds before approaching Yuri's podium, "Okay, let's get this over with. Yuri LeClerc wrote..."
Yuri's answer: Alex Trebek
"Alex Trebek." The host said in amazement yet again, "You actually like me, Yuri?"
Yuri nodded before he said to Trebek, "Yeah, I'll admit that you're a pretty good dude. Even if you have to keep taking shit from that Connery guy."
"Well, I'm glad I don't have to thanks to that restraining order I had." Trebek shook his head in relief, "Nice good answer you thought of, Yuri. Let's see what you now wagered, shall we?"
Yuri's wager: Is a man-whore
All of a sudden, Trebek had become immediately stunned of what the lavender-haired student had suddenly put down for a wager.
"Is a manwhore..." The host muttered before reading both the answer and wager again, "Alex Trebek is a man-whore."
With the host still stunned as ever, he looked over to Yuri who right now was winking at Trebek before doing a "call me" hand gesture to him and saying, "Call me. Let's do dinner and dancing."
"Not even on your life, Mr. LeClerc..." Trebek shook his head, "That's all for Celebrity Jeopardy..."
"Oh, so this is what this show's called?" Yuri said, cutting him off while he raised his eyebrow, "Huh, no wonder that was the answer I thought of from earlier!"
Trebek then nodded to Yuri, "Yeah, Mr. LeClerc, it was. Anyway, you three can go to hell. Good night."
The host then proceeded to end this show by exiting right behind the set while at the same time Byleth and Dorothea were continuing their makeout session behind the podiums and Yuri being himself as usual.
Well, Dorothea got pretty horny there with those sexual thoughts, huh? No wonder she's my favorite, and I so ship her with Byleth hard (the male version of course), which is why I paired them together in this story.
Deep down, I think I did alright with this. Sure, it doesn't have a certain white-bearded Scotsman in this, but I can guarantee you that he'll be sure to do a little pop in somewhere later in the story. So I wouldn't forget about him. Oh, and I wouldn't forget about a certain little "Bandit" either for those who are big fans of Celebrity Jeopardy too. For those of you young enough that don't remember those Celebrity Jeopardy sketches on Saturday Night Live, go check them out on YouTube. Those were some funny shit for what it is and still is, especially the interactions between Will Ferrell and Darrell Hammond's versions of Alex Trebek and Sean Connery respectively.
Anyway, now that I'm done doing the trio of Byleth, Dorothea and Yuri, which three characters of Three Houses will I do next to torture our beloved host? Whoever it is, you definitely do not want to miss the next chapter of Celebrity Jeopardy: Three Houses coming soon. Until that comes, make sure to read, review and leave respectful feedbacks if you wish.
Oh, and one more thing: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!