Chapter 25: Ruin Me

On Sunday, Severus did not leave his quarters at all. He spent the day barricaded in his bedroom, much like he had done just three and a half months prior after they had shared that blasted night in his office. He did not even have the strength to go to today's Quidditch game. Plagued by migraines and insomnia, he was dreading what the upcoming week would bring. He knew that it was only a matter of days at best before he would run into his apprentice and felt driven into a frenzy by the fact that he had no idea how she would react. Would she burst into tears? Or would she perhaps even throw a nasty curse his way? It was that uncertainty of not knowing what to expect which made him feel sick to his stomach. His mind kept replaying the conversation he'd had with Dumbledore. But as much as he wanted to believe the old man's words, he was convinced that there really was no way that this was just a mere misunderstanding and that Hermione did not actually despise him. In a desperate attempt to escape his own thoughts, he downed one third of a second bottle of Firewhisky and two whole phials of Sleeping Draught before finally slipping off into sweet, sweet unconsciousness.

The next morning, he woke up a lot later than he usually did, but he really did not mind; he had not been planning on going to breakfast anyway. In a bid to put off the inevitable, he showered and got dressed so excruciatingly slowly that he ended up being almost five minutes late for his first lesson of the day. He could feel the curious looks which were given to him by his young students amidst hushed whispers as he strutted into the classroom. They were undoubtedly asking themselves what the hell had got into their Potions professor – after all, it was a well-known fact that Severus Snape was never late. Truly not feeling like dealing with those brats any more than he absolutely needed to, he decided to throw the original lesson plan out of the window and simply instructed them to write a comprehensive essay on the uses of the common snowdrop plant in memory potions. Whilst he normally took great pleasure in hearing the irritated groans of pupils faced with an assignment so dull, he barely even noticed their pathetic outcries this time. His mind was too preoccupied with a certain Gryffindor and whether or not she would show up to class that day. And an hour later, as more and more seventh-years filled into the cramped dungeon room, Severus could feel his throat slowly start to close up until it reached the point where he was barely even able to breathe. Would she turn up? And if so, how was he supposed to act? Should he ask her to stay after class so that they could talk it out? He was so unbelievably nervous that he felt like his heart was about to burst, and then – nothing. The heavy, wooden door slammed shut after the last student had entered, and then everything was already over. No Hermione. He had expected that she would not come, of course; but the tension which had been building up inside him all morning still made him want to go drown himself in the Black Lake. Mentally drained, he gave his class some random potion to brew which was so easy that there was no possible way that they could mess it up before disappearing into his office, longing for a sip – or two or three – of the small metal flask filled with Dragon Barrel Brandy he always kept in there. If he was not careful, he would soon turn into an alcoholic. Just like father, he thought, totally disgusted with himself.

When the witch also did not show up to their apprenticeship lesson the following day, Severus was not surprised. In fact, he was rather glad, as just the thought of being completely alone with her made him break out into a cold sweat. He had still prepared a task for her – brewing another batch of Blood-Replenishing Potion for the Hospital Wing – but he was more than happy to do it himself. When he later decided on a whim to attend dinner, however, he was not able to make her out anywhere in the Great Hall, and it was then that he started to worry a bit. Was she okay? He was almost tempted to ask his colleagues if she had at least been attending their classes but ultimately decided that it would not do any good to draw anyone's attention; or else they might just start to wonder why he did not know the whereabouts of his own apprentice. After all, the headmaster's knowing smirks were already enough to deal with.

Wednesday too passed by without a trace of Hermione anywhere, and so Severus was admittingly caught a bit off-guard when she suddenly showed up for double Potions the next morning. As he entered the classroom that day, he froze for a split second when he discovered her sitting in her normal spot in the front. Although her face appeared almost sickly pale, she looked the same as she always did with her nose buried in one of the many books distributed all over the narrow desk in front of her. She did not acknowledge him at all and also did not bother to look up a few minutes later when he started telling the class about the specific magical concoction they would be preparing that day. Not really knowing what to make of that behaviour, Severus refrained from doing his usual rounds inspecting his students' work in order to avoid getting too close or perhaps even having to talk to her. Instead, he spent the time stealthily observing the girl. As usual, she was working very efficiently and was able to produce a flawless-looking potion in no time; however, he did notice that her hands seemed to shake a little more than what would be considered normal. Was she really that nervous? But how could she be, considering that she barely even paid him any mind? Time went by disgustingly slowly, but as soon as the bell rang two hours later, Hermione immediately jumped up and rushed out of the room, leaving behind nothing but a perfectly clean workstation with a small phial filled with shimmering lilac liquid standing in its midst. On one hand, Severus was relieved. There had been no tears, no accusations, not even any nasty looks. But for some reason, he also could not help but feel a little disappointed. He did not really know what he had expected; it just felt like there had been something missing, something that he maybe should have said or done. And he still felt that way later that afternoon when Hermione did not show up for yet another one of their private lessons. As he was sitting in his office all alone, he picked up the bottle she had left behind earlier. He could tell by simply glancing at it that the potion inside it was immaculate. Of course – what else would one expect from Hermione Granger?

The rest of the week went by without incident. Severus did not see his apprentice at all aside from a handful of times in the Great Hall; apparently, she had finally decided to consume her meals in company again. Which he guessed was good – at least that way, he could make sure that she was still alive. Months later, he would realise that for the first time in 17 years, he had not spent the last days of January falling to pieces behind closed doors as the birthday of his deceased first love crept up on him. He had still felt a bit sad, of course, but not absolutely devastated as he usually did.

When Monday rolled around, Severus found himself sitting at his desk, watching on as the second-year Slytherins and Gryffindors were streaming out of his classroom. Yet again, he was wondering whether or not Hermione would attend class that day – though that question was quickly answered when she stepped into the room just a few minutes later. Just like last time, she did not make any eye contact as she quietly worked, throwing together different ingredients inside her big cauldron. As he studied her every move, Severus questioned if he should perhaps approach her at the end of the lesson. He certainly did not want to, but at the same time, he thought that this awkward tiptoeing was beginning to get a bit ridiculous. Mind you, there were still almost five months left until the end of term so there really was no way that they would be able to avoid each other in the long run, especially not if they were supposed to properly go about this stupid apprenticeship. But just as he finally took the decision to speak to her, the deafeningly loud sound of the school bell resonated from the dungeon walls, and before the man was even able to open his mouth, she had already left – but not before giving him a barely noticeable, shy smile in passing.

All in all, it took her exactly eleven days before she at long last decided to attend one of their apprenticeship lessons again. It was particularly cold on that Tuesday morning in early February, and the Potions Master was just rifling through some papers when the creaking door leading to his classroom suddenly swung open without warning. Alarmed, he looked up, and there she was, standing on his doorstep, looking as breath-taking as ever.

Letting her long hair fall loosely down her back, Hermione was carrying a bulky book on international magical law in her arms as she tentatively stepped into the room. For a long, drawn-out moment, neither one of them dared to speak as they both simply stared at one another with wide eyes, like two hungry wolves circling each other. Was this really it? Was this weird dancing around they had been doing for nearly two weeks truly about to come to an end?

After what seemed like an eternity, Hermione eventually mumbled a quiet, "Good morning."

Oh, it had been so long since he had heard that silky voice of hers! Nervously pressing his tongue against the roof of his mouth, he took in her body language. Well, she was not crying yet, so that was a good sign, right? Maybe she did not absolutely loathe his guts after all?

"Good morning, Miss Granger."

Her eyebrows shot up seemingly in surprise, but why he did not know. And there also appeared to be something else there in her gaze which he could not identify exactly. Was she … sad all of a sudden? Disappointed? More than befuddled, he cleared his throat.

"So, um … I thought that we could perhaps use our time today to dust off and reorganise all of these jars." He used a quick hand gesture to vaguely point towards the dozens upon dozens of glass containers filled with pickled animals and other oddities which lined the walls. "They are too fragile to use magic on them, so they need to be cleaned by hand. It is tedious work, but I am afraid that it still needs to get done. Unfortunately, I have not got to it in months."

She eyeballed him critically for a second before giving a wordless nod in response, and for a while thereafter, they worked in silence – Severus clearing the long, wooden shelves one after another before giving each a good clean and Hermione carefully polishing the crystalline flasks. But just when he was starting to think that this one-on-one encounter was actually not going all that bad and allowed himself to relax a little, she suddenly spoke up.

"So are we just not going to talk about what happened?"

Severus was so startled that he unintentionally let go of the large potion bottle he had been holding, causing it to fall onto the stone floor and create a gigantic mess made of sticky, dark green liquid mixed with tiny, razor-sharp bits of broken glass. Cursing under his breath, he pulled out his wand and used a nonverbal Vanishing Spell to remove the disgusting puddle from his leather shoes before he reluctantly turned towards her. A dirty cleaning cloth still in her hands, the brunette's cheeks were slightly flushed from embarrassment, but she nevertheless stared at him with such focus that it almost made him flinch.

"Miss Granger, I am so sorry –"

"Why do you keep calling me that?" she brazenly interjected in a quivering voice. "You haven't done so in months! Do you really think that now would be the time to go back to using formalities after we have already kissed each other?"

Severus stood as if paralysed from the neck down. Whilst he was not used to students talking back to him in general, it was especially perturbing for something like that to come from the Gryffindor Princess; though he had to admit that these were indeed special circumstances. "It was a mistake. I –"

She threw the rag she had been holding onto the table forcefully. "A mistake – is that really all I am to you? Am I truly such a fool that I have completely misinterpreted the connection we have built over these past few months? Tell me, have I been too oblivious to the bitter truth of you actually hating me?"

"Of course I do not hate you!"

"THEN WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!" Taken aback, Severus had to blink several times. He could not believe the way she was speaking to him! Was this really goody-goody Hermione Granger or just a very convincing imposter? "You can't just kiss people and then toss them to the side like a piece of rubbish, you know?! I always knew you were cruel, but I never thought you cruel enough to get someone's hopes up just to then crush them like you would crush a tiny, defenceless beetle to death!"

To say that Severus was confused would have been an understatement. "What are you even saying?"

"I'm saying that I liked it, okay?! I liked kissing you!" she shouted at him with watery eyes. "For years, I tried to hate you, just like everybody else; I really did, but I never ever could! Instead, I have always admired you, have always strived for your approval! And then you suddenly just go ahead and sweep me off my feet and make me bloody fall for you! What am I supposed to do now, huh? How am I supposed to feel when the guy I like finally kisses me and then talks about a big mistake? Enlighten me, please!"

"What?" Severus was in complete shock – had she really just said that she liked him, too? "But you ran away from me!"

Finally, her eyes overflowed. A single tear travelled down her right cheek all the way to her exposed neck. "But only because you looked so absolutely appalled …"

Snape started to laugh; he simply could not help it. It was not that kind of fun-filled laughter which came in response to a witty joke. No, rather it was the sort of laughter that escaped you involuntarily whenever you were faced with a situation so ridiculous. They had both been wanting each other all along! How absurd was the thought that they had been driving themselves out of their minds without realising that the other's longing had been just as strong.

"And here I was thinking you hated me!" he exclaimed dumbfounded.

She looked at him completely baffled. "But how could I ever hate you? You're just like me! We match so well. If anything, I regret that I hadn't come to this conclusion any sooner."

Severus was absolutely ecstatic – she liked him, too! She liked him! This newfound excitement was sadly short-lived, however, when he abruptly remembered that he was still her teacher and that this was still so unequivocally wrong. He had to fight the sudden urge to bash his head against the wall until his brain was nothing more than a mushy mess. He knew that he should have never let their relationship get this close – now that poor girl even believed that she was in love with him!

"Miss Granger, perhaps … perhaps we should just cut today's lesson short."

"What? But why?!"

His gaze was full of something which he showed so seldomly – vulnerability. "Because this is highly improper. Our personal feelings do not change the fact that you are my student. I have already let my despicable desires get the better of me once. I will not risk it again."

"Please, you –"

"I think that you should go now," he interrupted her coldly. It had always been easiest to act against his own emotions if he simply pretended that they had never existed in the first place.

"B-but I'm not even asking to be your wife or for you to spend the rest of your life with me. I just want you to give us a chance!"

He unsuccessfully tried to swallow that sudden lump in his throat as he looked at her with great sadness in his eyes. "I am not some sort of heroic knight on a white horse, Hermione. I have done things in my life too horrendous and vile to even be said aloud. I would ruin you if you were mine."

She did not even miss a beat. "Ruin me then."

"What?"

"I said ruin me," she repeated calmly. "There is so little left of me to be ruined anyway. Do you know why? Do you know what has already ruined me beyond repair? Growing up in the Muggle world as a geeky overachiever with bushy hair and ugly teeth who no one wanted to be friend with, because they thought that I was weird for enjoying libraries and studying so much, has ruined me. Suddenly finding out at age eleven that it was my birthright to be part of this amazing, hidden world and believing with all my heart that I had finally found a home, a place where I wouldn't be judged for simply being who I am, only to realise that even here, I would always be a bloody misfit has ruined me. Being reduced to the supposed impurity of my blood over and over again by the sons and daughters of the very men who were obsessed with having my best friend dead and seeing my kind eradicated has ruined me. Finding myself in the middle of a war when I was only just a child and having to see the people I loved be killed off one after another has fucking ruined me."

She raised her chin almost defiantly. "And all of that happened against my will. I had to endure it whether I liked it or not. But now … now I'm actually in control for the very first time. No war having to be fought, no friends having to be kept alive. I get to choose what will happen, what I want to do with my life." She bit the corner of her bottom lip. "And I want this. I want this to ruin me; I will let this ruin me – if it only means that I can be with you."

It sounded so tempting. Severus wanted nothing more than to believe her, to believe that this all could work out somehow and that they could actually have a future together. But her little speech only made him more determined to push her away. It was for her own good – she had already had to endure so much in her short life; how could he possibly justify burdening her with his broken self?

"Trust me," he pleaded, his palms raised before his chest beseechingly. "You do not actually want me. You have no idea what you are really asking for here!"

Hermione threw her hands up angrily. "How come everyone always tells me that I am so mature for my age, so smart and grown-up, but when it comes to decisions that aren't a matter of life or death, I am suddenly again treated like a five-year-old who has no idea about the real world?! I mean, for god's sake, I bloody killed someone! That's the sort of stuff that will haunt me in my dreams for the rest of my life, not other people's opinion on who I'm going out with!"

"What?" Severus asked aghast. "What do you mean you killed someone?"

Hermione opened her mouth to answer, but not a sound came out. She slowly closed it again as her gaze wandered to the floor.

"Dolohov," she ultimately said in a meek whisper, her face contorted into a grimace. "I stunned him during their attack last year. I-I hadn't realised how close he was standing to the edge of that bridge before I used the Body-Bind Spell on him. They never found a body, but … there's no way he survived that fall without being able to use magic to save himself."

"Oh."

Severus had long been wondering where the dark wizard had disappeared to, but it was only now that he realised that he had, in fact, never seen him again following the Death Eaters' attempt at taking over the school one month before Voldemort's ultimate defeat. First the torture incident, now this – Snape was really starting to question what else the headmaster might be keeping from him.

He sighed. "Hermione, you are such a beautiful and brilliant woman. I truly feel honoured that you would choose me. But I cannot allow you to make such a grave mistake. You could have anyone – a man your age, a man with no problems, someone who –"

"BUT I DON'T WANT THAT! I WANT YOU! FOR ONCE, LET ME DECIDE ON MY OWN, I BEG YOU!" Big, fat tears started streaming down her cheeks one after another until the brunette was full-on sobbing. "I made smart choices all my life. I made the choices that were expected of me. For once, let me be irresponsible. Let me follow my heart!"

"Hey, hey, hey!" Severus hurried to her side and grabbed her face with his dry, cracked hands, wiping away the salty teardrops one by one. "Now don't cry! I am not worth your tears, Hermione, I will never be. You mean more to me than you could probably ever even begin to comprehend, but as much as I want this – and trust me, I really, truly want this – we cannot go through with it. What if someone found out? What if we both got banned from Hogwarts? Being with a former follower of the Dark Lord would shun you for life, and whilst you may not care about that right now, I could never forgive myself for taking your youth, your innocence away from you. I'm sorry."

And with that, he let go of her and turned to leave.

"Severus."

Stunned, he stopped dead in his tracks – she had never addressed him by his first name before! Why, it sounded so melodic coming from her darling mouth, almost like a term of endearment.

"Could you at least do one last thing for me before you go? Just answer me this one question, please. And if afterwards you still want me to leave you alone, I will."

His mind was screaming at him to flee, urging him to just run away and never look back. But how could he possibly deny her such a simple request? Taking a deep breath, he turned around. The way she was standing there was threatening to make his chest explode. She looked so utterly miserable, just like she had done after their kiss.

"Do you really think we could go back?" she asked softly, her big, round eyes focused on him so intently that it seemed as though she was staring directly into his soul. "Back to being just teacher and pupil, tutor and apprentice – without it being painfully awkward?"

"I –" He knew that she was right. There was no denying it – they had passed the point of no return a long time ago. He did not even want to imagine the horrors of having to forcefully suppress their feelings for each other for the rest of the school year. And so whilst he wanted to lie to her, he could not bring himself to do so. "I don't know."

Hermione let out an agonised titter. "You see … I don't think that there is any way that I could ever give up being this close to you. Working with you, reading with you, talking with you – those are the only times I am truly, unconditionally happy." She took two steps towards him. "And if the only way that we can keep doing that is to be together, then so be it. If I will regret this down the line, then so be it. Because this is what I need right now."

She reached out her hand to touch his cheek, but he stopped her by grabbing her wrist. He wanted nothing more than to stop fighting this, he was truly so tired of fighting this. But if he was really about to throw all of his moral overboard, he at least needed be sure that she knew exactly what she was getting herself into first.

"I am a broken man, Hermione. I come with so, so much baggage and issues and then some. And if we really go through with this, then I will never be able to let you go. My heart will be yours forever. Are you willing to deal with that? Can you deal with that?"

"Yes," she breathed – and that was all he needed.

Without a second thought, Severus rushed forward and pulled her into a tight embrace. Burying his lined face in her honey brown curls and revelling in the heady scent of her perfume, he forced his mind to shut up for now. He knew that this was more than likely the wrong decision, of course, that there was no way that not at least one of them would come to rue this choice sooner or later. But in this exact moment, with his little witch safely hidden in his arms, he could not help but feel relief wash over him – they were okay.

They were okay.