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In a Time Like This
The writers are wrong. They often refer to me as the "brave queen who saved her people." I'm set on a pedestal, painted in gold and silver. A role model to be looked up to because of my courage in a time of crisis. Yet may I share something the writers do not know? I was not brave. Terrified? Aye. Desiring to hide? Guilty. Doubtful? Indeed. Eventually at peace? Strangely, yes. But courageous…never.
I turned to cold stone with the burning edict in my hands, its bloody words confirming my cousin's message. All Jews destroyed. Not since being wakened by a thunderstorm when very young had I felt such fear catch me up in its unrelenting grasp. Could my crown protect me from this? I wondered, like the little girl reaching for her blanket to seek protection under from the lightning and thunder.
Almost I laughed, I confess, when I received Mordecai's message. Use my position as queen to plead for my people before the king. How ironic: he, too, was thinking about my crown, only it would possibly lead to my death. All knew what happened to those who approached the king unsummoned. Always I had followed my cousin's advice, knowing what he said was for my own good. For the first time I doubted him. Perhaps he had gone too far, asked too much. What power came with my crown? It was only of gold and jewels, easily passed from one to another.
The coldness, burning, whirling doubts, even the terror had slipped away, leaving me drained, empty. The parchment resting in my hands was both heavy and light. Maybe it is for such a time like this you've come to the palace. Such a time as this… A sensation like a calming, soothing flow of water washed over me. I am nothing, a woman in foreign court, yet not alone. Perhaps this is how it was meant to be. I am not brave; my strength comes from Another. His will be done.
THE END