Fandom: Finder no Hyouteki / Viewfinder
Title: regretful vexation.
Pairing: Fei Long + Takaba, Asami x Takaba
Rating: PG-13
Description: Called to Fei Long's room, Takaba realizes the cruel games they each have played on themselves…
Disclaimer: Viewfinder belongs to the sexiest mangaka, Ayane Yamano-sensei.
Born blind,
having no concept of seeing images
reflected on and from the light,
if all you do is hurt yourself in the darkness,
when you close your eyes at night
then how do you dream?
The madness spreads and spreads
in feeling my aloneness,
this self-imposed Game of Solitaire
disguised as solitude.
But you keep calling it by
its other name: Love.
What happens to you has nothing
to do with me.
So write me off as you do,
just because I'm going insane.
But what you'll never know, baby,
is that I've known all along:
There were always two of you.
regretful vexation.
By Miyamoto Yui
Before he'd call me in the middle of the night, my aching body extinguished before my mind was aware of it.
"Asami…" I mumbled, but when I focused my eyes, it was Yoh's hand shaking me awake. I'd fallen into a deep sleep, the first time since I'd arrived in Hong Kong.
Trying not to show my disappointment, I pretended to be irritated. He stepped back so that I could quickly wash my face in the bathroom.
In less than five minutes, we were already standing before his master's door.
Knock, knock. Yoh turned the knob for me to enter, closing it quietly while his profile gave me a quick look over as I passed him. He'd never done that before.
Huh? Vaguely, I could have sworn I saw a tint of jealousy within that look…
Was that even possible? Then again, Yoh is a volcano, bubbling calmly until he erupts in violent destruction. Lava continuously playing over the brink.
I stood in near blackness with only the outside lights dimly illuminating the room through the open curtains. Still trying to wake myself up, the room's shadows made it difficult to navigate and Fei Long was absolutely silent, eyeing the window with his back towards me.
To complete the dream-like display, a song hauntingly played in the background from some old record player. Even through the static, the woman's temptatious, yet rich voice took hold of the whole room. What was stranger was that I could understand it from the core of my being though I had no idea what she was saying: Fighting with herself, resisting her own lyrics.
It was something I was too familiar with whenever I took random pictures just for myself.
Especially those images of Him appearing through the fluid when I stood alone in the darkroom, wondering about the saturation. My fingertips would linger on the hanging prints longer than they should have…
Weak as I already was, my will stood solid, not wanting to give him the benefit of viewing my fatigue for his twisted pleasure. I strode up to go next to him with a severe attitude, giving a bitter stare. However, my right hand grasped onto my left wrist to ease the tension, realizing that even if he was a bit lax now, underneath it all, the freezing fear gnawed at me.
But I'm also afraid of Asami, only for entirely different reasons. Many of which I don't care to admit to myself sometimes…
My eyes swept over the harbor and into the lights of the bay, so close I wanted to hear the lapping water. At least then, I was a step closer to home. To Him.
Ache.
The glimmering crystal image of the city lines marked with high rises and colorfully lit boats seemed ephemeral, translucent upon the waves where happiness gathered within the darkness. The violets, blues and pinks more pronounced the further I watched.
If only I had my camera.
Because even at this moment, there were things I would still take pictures of.
"From the expression on your face, it seems like you're enjoying the song. Even the view."
His voice was undeniably gentle, solemn to the point that I thought there was someone else in the room besides us.
Reaching out to my head, he ran his fingers through my hair without looking into my direction. A few seconds later when he took his hand away, he chuckled to himself. "You would."
"If I could, I'd have taken pictures of the water with the sprinkled reflections of all the colors. It'd be hard to get clear ones, but I want others to experience it."
Skeptically, he questioned, "Yours would be special out of all the thousands?"
"They haven't seen Hong Kong's specialness through your eyes. And certainly not from this angle."
"You sound so confident of that." Shaking his head, he smirked. "You're truly in love with your profession."
A compliment for exposing all my reckless moments?
That's where all my best pictures come from.
Turning to look at Fei Long's profile, I faintly traced the outline of Asami's, the mirrored reflections that could never meet.
My mouth slightly opened and then I shut my lips.
He continued to listen and observe, making no demands or giving orders. I was more than flustered on what I should've done when he asked me to repeat the record. Going over to the custom-carved player painted in light red, I was confused because I got it to turn in circles and wondered how to 'play' it until I lifted the small stick and delicately placed it over the outer rim of the small spinning plastic surface with its etched grooves.
Once more, the woman's presence seized the room.
"This building was made for Father's songbird. The very one we're listening to right now. She was one of his favorites though compared to all his other lovers, she wasn't one of the most beautiful. But when she sang, he'd give her anything she wanted. And even when she fell out of favor, he refused to give her up. She never stopped loving him though. Somehow, I don't think he did too." He placed his hands on the window, pushing against the glass. "He said this song was created especially for him. He was so proud of it."
Instantly, his lips briefly curved upwards. A genuine smile unmarred by obligations. But as fast as it had come, it disappeared into contemplative misery.
I blurted out, "Then what do the words mean?"
His eyes widened silently in surprise. It was obvious no one ever dared to ask his thoughts.
"The translation goes like this:
'There are mysteries in the world
which beg to be opened,
but there are those
we should never unlock.
If I could take it back,
I'd steal my heart back,
beg for my limp and broken body
to be restored,
resurrect my soul
from all the ignominies,
the impurities I subjected myself to.
Then I'd create the
forbidden potion with all
the spells my chest
could no longer keep inside,
floating and translating
to your frozen heart.
Maybe you'd give yourself to me then,
but who am I kidding?
That's why we keep
chasing one another,
hurting one another
the closer we become.
A blue flame thicker than ice,
fighting the impossible
just to exist.
Yet I'd sacrifice everything
just to know
what could melt you?'"
Even though I resented being here, I was surprised by the piling amounts of cruel beauty surrounding me.
So as he'd said these lyrics, they were like an incantation, his face becoming more melancholic with memories washing in minute instances before him as he looked through me.
Lost all the same.
Now I know why I understood the song so well…
Without warning, tears came to my eyes and fell down the sides of my face.
Why are you doing this to yourself?
This time, when he reached out for me, I still tried to resist the flow of where things were headed. Backing away, I tripped with him holding my head before I reached the carpet.
And despite it all, his pride won out.
His index finger and thumb gripped tighter and tighter against my jaw bone. Kneeling over me, Fei Long looked down into my face with his right knee pressing between my legs. I winced, both in sadness for the title of his position and the man hidden even from his own eyes.
Why are you killing yourself this way?
A sleek panther with his shoulders protruding under the smooth silk clothing, he let go of my jaw and now his hands pushed both of my wrists down into the carpet with abysmal eyes ready to attack.
The record stopped and we stared at one another.
Breaking the silence, he squinted with a sardonic expression. "I've discovered why he'd come for you."
The tone of his voice, however, wasn't spiteful or filled with disappointment.
It exposed his longing.
I don't know what happened between you two, but would this be my future if Asami and I ever separate?
Some part of me was suffocating deep inside…
Since I couldn't reach my hands out towards him, before I knew it, I strained to lift my neck to kiss his cheek, the cool, living porcelain. I could have pushed him off and left, found a perfect way to escape, but watching that face breaking before my eyes, I needed to save it somehow…
Indignantly, he rose his hand to the air to slap my face, but I still looked at him with determination, never wavering even when compassion had set in.
He put his hand down and sighed. "If only you and I had more time."
As he leaned forward to kiss me fully on the lips, the tips of Fei Long's hair brushed against my cheek and neck, making me slightly shiver from its softness. His tongue pushed onto mine with the flavor of strawberries and alcohol mixed together. Pressing and protesting, our mouths sucking and scraping.
Slowly, I was closing my eyes, almost wanting to drown in the sensations of his wants while his hands slid up my shirt and fingers massaged through my ribs, and my needs as his knee rubbed against me until I gasped before he tasted my mouth again.
So different from his earlier invasions, they're almost-
He suddenly tore himself away from me and I finally caught my breath, looking up while not knowing what to think. The fragile mesh of feelings was strangling me.
While haughtily peering down at me, he said, "Ah. So that's how he's still able to dream."
Letting go of my waist, I reached out for his wrist as he averted his face away from me. "Yoh, take him away."
Instead of unclasping my hand, I grabbed on more than ever.
Why are you playing these ruthless games with yourself?!
But forcefully smooth, he slid my hand away like a pure stone bangle and stood up in a composed manner. Then, he went to gaze at the bay once more. Even without seeing it, I felt it: His whole being hardened once more, complete with his face fitting back into its mask.
The wretchedly sublime statue returned to its unnatural state.
For just a second, my heart ached for him.
"Fei Long," I called out in a way that he'd never acknowledge for himself.
+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/
Someone squeezes my shoulders.
My eyes flutter to find Asami resentfully assessing me, half-glaring while I try to make sense of where I am, disoriented from suddenly waking up. Confused, I suck in my breath as his eyes pierce into me in their deafening silence, speaking without moving his lips.
Then I realize I probably talked in my sleep and remember the last thing I'd said…
Without hesitation, I hold my hand out to brush my palm against his cheek and circle my fingers on the nape of his neck, lifting myself up and pulling him down.
Don't get mad at me.
Asami blinks and his eyes lower halfway, not knowing he's showing another degree of his regretful vexation:
That maybe he'd been a few seconds too late in rescuing me from Hong Kong.
That that will be the catalyst for me to change and push myself away from him.
That I will finally wake up from our lucid dream together.
There were times he clung onto me desperately, clenching onto my skin as if I'd melt away. I saw brief shades, colored in rich red splotches staining many hands, straitjacket black disguised in suits, institution white for each person driven mad for his attention…
But it doesn't dawn on me until now.
Not until years of attempts to forcibly break the lock of the security box within your titanium heart: My soul painted into its walls, sustaining it.
There's a part of me that never wants to believe it. Denying that I have this kind of power.
I lick his lower lip and feel his teeth and then his tongue, deep enough I thought I'd choke. When he pulls away to try to kiss my neck, I shake my head and continue to kiss him until his lips pull my tongue and his hand wanders further and further downwards, stroking me up and down at the same time…
It breaks me to see a tarnish on your supposedly impenetrable armor. I never want to see you tormented. Never move from the image I have of you either...
Even if those doubts rise because of me.
My fingers cling onto the sheets until my knuckles are white,
my back bends so far I think my spine will snap,
bones grinding into one another to the point of almost cracking,
my neck raw from his bites,
the smell of sweat and semen clinging to the air,
his cologne rubbing onto my chest…
"Ryuichi!" I shout, losing my breath and my mind inside His chaos, the being that engulfs me whole.
I want you to hurt me if it means your doubts will disappear,
love me until I can't feel myself anymore.
"It's not enough…Deeper…" My arms hold onto his back, nails digging into his flesh, but he doesn't seem to mind, smiling smugly.
"Exert your claim. Torture it. Wrap it around yourself," he whispers and licks my ear.
You earned the right to me.
For a moment, contentedly, I open my eyes. As always, your stare penetrates every part of me.
Constantly searching.
What you didn't know…
…was that those were the times I thought
he looked a lot like you, Asami.
Owari./ The End.
-
Author's note: I was in the middle of doing another VF fic when this suddenly arose and I was so immersed into it, I had to take my hands away from the keyboard and reorientate myself. Being so lost at peering into Fei Long through Takaba, my sense of space became distorted.
And I missed Hong Kong for even more reasons than I'd care to admit.
It was such a powerful experience that I decided to do this one though the other one already had 7 pages. What did I expect? That is the magic of VF for me. And for some strange reason, I feel like a big weight has been taken away. I'm glad it's out of my system now.
Fei Long, who knew that the older I got that I'd realize I was more like you than I thought?
Hope you enjoyed the fic because I really enjoyed writing it! Even though it ripped into me, breaking places I never wanted to revisit or acknowledge, I could fully see all three of them. Everything appeared like a virtual reality movie, and I was in the middle of it watching their minute expressions.
What a unique experience I've had with this fic…
And Happy Thanksgiving!
Love,
Yui
11/26/2020 1:17:36 AM – Los Angeles
11/26/2020 6:17:36 PM – Tokyo