A/N: Now that the semester has started, updates probably won't be coming as often. They'll come, though :)
Ben hoisted his pack back onto his shoulders and made his way out of the cave. The sun had begun to set, and he squinted against its light. As he straightened and let the vines fall closed behind him, allowing his eyes a moment to adjust. Then he heard a rustle and a snap just to his right, and he whipped out his lightsaber, turning to face whatever unseen enemy lurked there. He reached out with the Force and could sense no presence there, and after he blinked a few times, his vision confirmed it. Still guarded, he took a few steps forward, saber still raised. Nothing. He sheathed his saber, but his eyes still darted back and forth, unable to rest.
As he shifted his pack, he became aware of his racing heart. He and Rey had not seen a single living soul during their time there, but he knew that didn't mean much. On a forested world like this, someone could have been watching their every move and they would never have known. All his senses on alert and his hand still tightly gripping his lightsaber, he continued further up the mountain.
Eventually, he encountered an ancient pathway worn into the grass and dirt. It led him in switchbacks across the face of the mountain. He trod on until the setting sun's last rays shot across the valley below, until sweat dripped into his eyes, until each his legs felt like lead. And still, on the path wound. As darkness fell, his progress slowed, but he refused to stop. When he could no longer see his hand in front of his face, he reluctantly pulled out his torch, knowing it would give his position away to anyone who might be watching, but unable to continue any longer without light.
The yellow light bathed the rocky path, casting deep shadows. He had to rely completely on the Force to sense anyone approaching him, because he could see nothing outside of his circle of light. Onwards and upwards he traveled, the cool air chilling his sweat against his skin and raising goosebumps all down his arms. He could no longer distinguish the section of the path he then trod from any other he had passed over. It all looked the same to him. The valley below had vanished into the night, as well as the peak hovering somewhere above him. His eyes and his head grew heavy with exhaustion, but he pushed himself onwards. He was close, he could sense it.
At last, he came across something; a squared outcropping of rock overgrown with moss, but still recognizable as the remains of a wall. He bent down close to it, shining his light on it, all his fatigue forgotten. Perhaps it was the entry gate for the temple compound. With a renewed sense of purpose, he straightened and strode on. As the path wound upward, he encountered more and more signs of the ancient temple: square stones that lay across his path, carved pillars broken into fragments, the remains of great statues overgrown with lichen. And with each step, the Force grew stronger until it was almost a hum reverberating through the air. He could sense it in every fiber of his being: this place was ancient and sacred. The Force seemed to beckon him onwards, inviting him to discover the secrets of the ruins.
He came to a large stone courtyard, amazingly intact after years and years of weathering. The too-narrow beam of his torch revealed grass pushing its way up between the stones. The Force penetrated his mind and his heart, and he shut off his torch to better sense it. He could see nothing, not even once his eyes adjusted to the darkness, but he did not need to see. The Force clung to the air, passing into his lungs, suffusing his entire body with warmth. It guided him forward, his steps unerring in the darkness. The grass underfoot became broken stone as he crossed the remains of the courtyard. Each step sank him deeper into the Force and brought him closer to the answers he sought. Nothing else mattered.
At the opposite end of the courtyard, a spiral staircase delved underground, and Ben followed it into a cavern. It was blacker than pitch, but he could sense how large it was. The air was dank and musty, but it welcomed him as though he was coming home after a long journey. He deposited his pack at the base of the stairs. His steps brought him to the very center of the chamber, and he knelt before easing himself into a cross-legged position.
His lips parted, and he gasped a little as the Force overtook him. It washed over him in waves of prickling energy, sharpening his focus and his awareness. He had never been so fully immersed before. He could sense the entire planet, and the entire galaxy beyond it. Every being whispered to him in colors and shapes and feelings he could not name before they slipped away. For the first time, he understood for himself how the Force bound the galaxy together. As his view expanded, he started to sense more depth, beyond the whisperings of the galaxy's myriad presences. He started to sense the pain and grief that underlay it, a dark murmur flowing beneath the whispers.
And then he saw how much of that pain had come from him. An image of the other him flashed through his mind, the crackling saber seared on his vision. He flinched. His chest rose and fell with shuddering gasps as the Force dragged image after image through his tortured mind. He saw the innocents he had murdered, the rebels he had tortured, the subordinates he had terrorized. He saw himself through the galaxy's eyes; a masked tyrant, ruthless and hot-blooded, rash and volatile. A ragged sob escaped his throat, and he gripped his head in his hands, a silent scream on his lips. He saw them all, and their ghosts seemed to crowd around him in a cacophony of rage and sorrow. He could almost feel their hands, ice-cold, clawing at him.
In terror, he yanked his saber from his belt and ignited it, slashing at the empty air around him, a strangled cry erupting from his lips. In his mind's eye, he saw them vanish like smoke. His saber clattered to the stone from his trembling hand, and his breath came in great, shuddering gasps as he fought his tears back. He slumped over onto his side, knees curled to his chest, and a whimper escaped him.
"You'll never be rid of them," a clear, firm voice spoke. His saber leapt to his hand, and he ignited it, jumping to his feet.
"Who's there?" he growled, the darkness pressing in on him until he could barely breathe.
"Oh, it's just the person you came all this way for," the voice replied drily, and he whirled around to face its source.
He found the Sith from his vision, the edges of her form blurred and tinged with blue. Her curly hair framed a pair of sharp eyes that glinted in his saber's glow. Her face wasn't unkind, exactly, but she did look uncompromising and a bit distant.
"Put your lightsaber away, Ben Solo," she said, a little more gently. "I won't harm you."
His eyes dropped to his saber, and he sheathed it, looking self-conscious.
"Sit," she said, and took a seat herself. Obediently, he lowered himself to the stones, facing her.
"So tell me why you have come, Ben Solo."
His gaze snapped up to hers, confusion flitting over his features. "Don't you already know?"
"Of course," she replied evenly. "But I want to hear it from you. And something tells me you need to say it."
He nodded his head submissively, dropping his gaze to his hands, which were faintly illuminated by her glow. He felt so small and alone there, in the center of that massive cavern with only the ghost of a long-dead Sith for company.
She reached her hand over and placed it on his. "I know the burden you carry, Ben Solo. I have carried it myself."
Tears welled up in his eyes, and his chin trembled. "I...I don't know if I can do this." His shoulders slumped.
"Tell me."
Ben shook his head and bowed it further, fighting the tears back. She waited patiently while he composed himself, her hand still gently resting on his. Despite his large frame, the darkness and misery had shrunken him into no more than a child in her eyes.
He took a shaky breath. "I feel...lost." His deep voice shattered the silence. She could almost see the wheels turning in his mind, working to make sense of the tangled mess of emotions. "All I seem capable of doing is causing pain." His gaze was still glued to his hands. "I hurt...all those people." His voice took on a savage quality. "The entire galaxy suffers from what I did, I feel it. I murdered innocent people, I murdered my own father-" A sob choked his words off. "Both my mother and my uncle died for me, and I just don't see how it was worth it. I should have been the one to die, they should still be alive." Another sob, and a tear slipped down his cheek.
"I can't fix what I've done, I can't go back and change it. The galaxy will always bear the scars of my actions, there's no way to erase them." Another tear slipped down his cheek, dripping onto his upturned palm. He clenched his fist around it, nails biting into his flesh. "I want to let go, I want to leave him behind, but I can't. He's just there all the time, and I can't get rid of him no matter what I do." The words tumbled out of him now. "I'm so broken and twisted, and I just keep hurting everyone around me. Everyone would just be better off without me. Luke should have killed me when he had the chance. Rey should have let me die. I don't deserve to live, and I can't live like this. I can't live with the memory of what I've done haunting me at every step, never letting me rest. I can't live with myself." The tears had dried, stiff, on his cheeks, and he sat there motionless, staring at his clenched fists.
She allowed the silence to settle. "You have just voiced every doubt that came to my mind after I first turned back to the light. I didn't know how to go on, how to reconcile the person I once was with the person I wanted to become. I had caused so much suffering in the world and in the lives of the people who loved me most." He was silent and unresponsive. "I murdered in cold blood, just as you did. I turned my back on all that was good and entrenched myself in the darkness. I allowed my pain to consume me to the point that I inflicted it on others. Now, Ben Solo, did I deserve to die?"
He looked up now, taken aback by her question. "I can't-I can't pass judgement like that. You changed, you became a better person."
"And yet you pass judgement on yourself?" Her query was gentle, but probing, and she allowed it to hang there in the darkness. "Who is to say that you won't go on to change, to become a better person?"
He fixed his gaze on his hands again, but his fist had loosened a little.
"If I can change, then so can you, Ben Solo."
"How did you do it? How did you get rid of the darkness inside of you?"
Her gaze rested on him, full of gravity. "I didn't."
"What do you mean?"
"I didn't get rid of it," she replied. "The darkness rests inside everyone, waiting to be released. No one is wholly without it. And no one who surrenders themselves to it can ever be free of the effects of that choice. You will always carry Kylo Ren with you, Ben Solo. He is a part of you now."
His eyes slowly lifted to meet hers, brimming with fear and sorrow and pain, begging her to say otherwise, to tell him he could leave Kylo Ren behind him forever.
"You must learn to hold both Kylo Ren and Ben Solo," she said. "You must learn to make room for them inside your heart and soul. You will need both of them to overcome what lies before you. I see great courage in you, Ben Solo. I see the promise of a bright future. I see in you what Rey sees in you. In time, you will learn to see it for yourself." His gaze was fixed on her. "You are capable of more than you know. And one day, you will look back on your life and feel satisfaction instead of regret, pride instead of shame, happiness instead of misery. You will be grateful for all those who spared your life." Her gaze felt weighty and intense. "You are not alone in this, Ben. I am here to help guide you, just as my sister will help guide Rey when the time comes." She planted a kiss on the top of his head that he could not feel and cupped his face in her hand. "Until we meet again." And then she faded away.
He drew a trembling breath in, his mind spinning with all that she had said. He is a part of you now. He shuddered and got to his feet, ready to escape the darkness. Swinging his pack onto his shoulder, he made his way back up the stairs and out into the fresh air. He breathed it in deeply. The sky was grey, the sun waiting to rise just behind the mountains. It was time. He needed Rey.